Married folks: How to do it?

Both Parties wrote:

quite simple wrote:

^THIS^

E.O.T.

By all means, if you and your wife inserted another woman's name into the vows, it is 100% A-OK.

But you can't change the rules after the game is in play unless both parties are in agreement.

Another adult ^ has spoken.

Seriously, all the idiots on the other side need to ask themselves why they keep it secret if it is so OK.

Skipped all the stuff except for the original post.

Dude. Don't do it. Sack up and love your woman.

Also, one woman is usually enough work to care for, spend money on, etc. Why the heck would you need two?! You will have a full head of grey hair after a year of that junk.

How would you feel if you found out your wife had been f*cking around behind your back? She's not in love with him, so it's not emotional. But he's hung like a horse and gives her five Os every hookup. No big deal, right?

ScaryStuff wrote:

RacistX wrote:

There are all kinds of wedding vows ... one common phrase I've heard many times at weddings is " .... forsaking all others ....".

OP - Why do you think they call it 'cheating'? Would you cut the course at a marathon? If you don't want to be monogamous then get divorced. End of story.

This whole subject explains why online porn is so popular, although some of you Born agains may think that is also cheating).

Amen brother. Porn is literally saving my marriage. I need sex constantly but realize that 1) my wife cannot give it to me all the time 2) it's boring with her. Porn provides a great distraction to this predicament. It's hassle less, not considered cheating by my standards, and boy do I get variety! It keeps me calm and I don't find myself begging for sex. When she wants it of course it's on but otherwise I'm all set with my favorite sites/girls.

Charlie Freak wrote:

How would you feel if you found out your wife had been f*cking around behind your back? She's not in love with him, so it's not emotional. But he's hung like a horse and gives her five Os every hookup. No big deal, right?

Seems incredibly selfish to want your wife to suffer through mediocre sex simply because it would hurt your fragile ego.

Lawyered wrote:

Easy shanking wrote:

So you plan to break your marriage vows and deceive your spouse who you claim is a wonderful person. Do her a favor and tell her about it upfront. Maybe she will agree to an open marriage where she can also get some variety. Or maybe she will want a divorce in which case you should let her go so she can get with someone who won't treat her like shit.

Cheating is not directly breaking vows because nowhere in traditional wedding vows does it indicate monogamy. While I will never cheat on my husband, I want to point out this misconception. You are correct - it would be deceiving your spouse (but not breaking vows).

'With my body I honour you,

all that I am I give to you,'

Does not mention honouring anyone else.

Try using your excuse in a divorce court hot shot

Oh the young and naive... I would venture that every married couple has secrets they keep from each other. Maybe she has been upfront about the $600 purse she bought(women be shoppin')

Maybe he took off work early to see Transformers and told his wife he is working.

According to all you dr. mcjudgements, these are deserving of a one way ticket to hell and divorce court.

I hate to shatter dreams but marriage isn't like the Brady Bunch or the Cosbys.

(Full disclosure, I get a happy ending once a week after my massage. My wife is none the wiser. It's good for all including the girl who gets an extra $10)

There are actually some useful and insightful comments on here. Also plenty of garbage, but some good stuff. I can see both sides of the porn argument.

Back to the original post. Sometimes it is best to step back and look at yourself objectively if possible. What is really the problem? Do you want sex more than your wife does? (This i nearly every marriage since women want sex about 20% of the frequency of men). Do you no longer find your wife attractive? Do you feel that variety is the real issue?

After you have assessed your own issues, maybe you should talk to your wife about your needs. Honesty is really the best policy in a marriage. That doesn't mean you need to tell her every time you see a hot babe and fantasize about it. It means that when something of substance is an issue, you talk to her about it. Otherwise you slowly drift apart and don't really know each other. You become roommates. By talking, you might just find that she has some similar thoughts and you can work on those things together. Or you may find that you have a real incompatibility.

One more thought here. If you decided on infidelity and hiding it, how do you guarantee that the other party does not talk? There is nothing more dangerous than a pissed off woman who feels she has nothing to lose and knows that you do.

Men will always wonder about a greener pastures, but it is another thing entirely to actually act upon it. OP, you seem more concerned about keeping it a secret, but you really need to think about what happens if it doesn't remain a secret. If your wife finds out you cheated, she will go home DEVASTATED.

My fiance was previously married. Her previous husband had an affair, and she divorced him for it. I've firsthand seen what that affair did to her, and I've seen the long-term impact it has had on her sense of self, her ability to trust, and her ability to love someone/anyone again.

Having seen what that experience did to her, I made the decision that I will NEVER put her through that again, and I would never do it to anyone else. It clarified my entire perspective on cheating, and has drastically lowered my opinion of anyone that would actually do it. If you cheat, you are basically saying you value that fling more than the long-term personal and emotional well-being of a person you claim to love.

It doesn't get much lower than that.

^ and yet another adult.

Whoda thunk that there were so many adults on LRC?

Real married man wrote:

Oh the young and naive... I would venture that every married couple has secrets they keep from each other...

Oh the arrogant and ignorant.

Here is a hint for you: Try speaking for yourself. You will often be right that way. This compares with pretty much always being wrong when you try to speak for others.

From someone who did it:

Married 7 years. Met another married lady, we both worked together, mutual attraction, had lunch a few times, talked about our "too busy for us" spouses, etc. Took about 6 months of this until we finally had drinks when both spouses were out of town and we hit the sack.

I'll be honest, it was hot and made me so happy and guilty and miserable; it's hard to describe. This went on for almost 3 years. I loved/lusted her and she felt the same for me, at least so I thought. However she was serious about ending her marriage and I was not. She separated, met another guy, and ended it with me. I was heart-broken and no, this doesn't make any sense, but it killed me to see her with the other guy. I offered to leave my spouse but she said not to do it for her. I couldn't hold it together so I confessed to the affair to my spouse and tried to win my lover back. No go. What a mess. I honestly tried to go back to my wife but I just couldn't lie about our marriage being dead any longer.

I eventually got through the divorce, met someone else, and remarried. She is great and I confessed everything to her about my previous affair. I just wanted her to hear it from me and not have to lie any more. I grateful I got another chance at a happy marriage.

Don't do the affair unless you're prepared to leave your wife and end your marriage.

Wondererer wrote:

That's not what I'm interested in. My partner is a wonderful person and I have no intention of getting a divorce. I was simply wondering if it is possible to have one night of pure sex without any emotions that won't affect the marriage. Heck, it might be invigorating and put the fire back in the relationship.

You don't know what the other person is going to do. You bang her. She can then a) become crazy b) Black mail you c) tell your wife. So your night of fun may end up ending a great marriage.

If you were going to do it, I'd suggest a prostitute, but only where it's legal. Pay in cash.

If you do a prostitue elsewhere, you could arrested and then everyone will know including the kids. If you pay with a card, there is a record of it.

It just seems way easier to not do it and just walk by a hottie and imagine, "I wonder what that would be like."

I'm not going to judge, to me there is a lot of gray area surrounding the subject.....

....But be prepared for dealing with MASSIVE guilt, especially if you have kids

So a dude using on an anonymous message board using a fake idenity is claiming he had no secrets?

Yeah it is obvious...that I'm right!

I am very anti-cheating, but there can be a few circumstances where it may... just maybe... be justified. I would have never thought this, but here is what happened to my friend a few years ago (like 10 years ago).

He and his wife have a seemingly good marriage. He is a successful attorney and she is a stay-at-home mom with two daughters. They have a nice house, many friends and all is well. Both had let themselves go a little bit, but they were still very attractive people. At this point, they are in the early thirties. I believe she was actually 29 at the time, since she is two years younger than him (we are buddies from high school).

So one night my buddy and I were out with a few other friends and he is getting kind of drunk. It was during the World Series. He normally doesn't drink a lot, and this was just a guys night out to watch the game, so it was a little odd that he was drunk. He proceeded to tell me that his wife had totally shut him off. Not like the Post-Nuptial Shut-Off thread, but actually told him to his face that she was done with sex forever. She just didn't like it and wasn't going to do it anymore. She told him she would do other things for him (none of them very exciting), but that basically her body was no longer going to be involved. I laughed at first and told him that she was BSing him but he said that she was 100% serious. She wasn't mad at him and she even told him that it had nothing to do with him; she just didn't like sex and didn't like people touching her. In my head, I immediately thought that she must have gone through something in the past, but I never told him that...

So they go through counseling and everything and basically she didn't budge.

So they go a few years and eventually my friend gets busted doing some extracurricular activity with a stripper. Yes, a stripper. So she divorces him and he is basically socially ostracized. He has two daughters and looks like a total sleazeball cheating on his wife with a stripper.

So I have had so many discussions with him about this. He has never told anyone about her refusal to have sex other than the divorce attorney. He wasn't having sex with the stripper, but it was close to sex and it was in a hotel room. His wife does not believe that they were not having sex, but I do believe him because he has no reason not to tell me. He said he really didn't want to deal with paid sex because of the chance that he might get someone pregnant. He chose a stripper because he didn't want to deal with an emotional affair, and had gotten to know the stripper by visiting the strip club numerous times over the years. It sounds really dirty and terrible, but this guy was totally shut off... He is a really nice, intelligent and kind dude. He is also a very good father.

So in this situation, I am not sure what he did was right, but what are you supposed to do? He was like 31 when this all started. 35 when he got caught.

The silver lining is that he started working out and killing it at work and he ended up marrying a younger woman who is very cool. They now have a child and his ex-wife is fat and alone. The real losers in all of this are his daughters, but the new wife is very good to them and they seem to be okay. I don't think they know what really happened, but they are good girls. Hopefully they never find out.

Anyway, long story but it is true and I thought it was relevant.

Grounds for divorce are regulations specifying the circumstances under which a person will be granted a divorce. Adultery is the most common grounds for divorce.[1] However, there are countries that view male adultery differently than female adultery as grounds for divorce.[1]

from wiki.

mellow seeds wrote:

Charlie Freak wrote:

How would you feel if you found out your wife had been f*cking around behind your back? She's not in love with him, so it's not emotional. But he's hung like a horse and gives her five Os every hookup. No big deal, right?

Seems incredibly selfish to want your wife to suffer through mediocre sex simply because it would hurt your fragile ego.

Mellow Seeds is talking sense. Try this approach:

Real married man wrote:

So a dude using on an anonymous message board using a fake idenity is claiming he had no secrets?

Yeah it is obvious...that I'm right!

1) Yes, this is an anonymous message board. (Is there some point to that?)

2) Basically EVERYONE posting here posts under a fake identity (or is your real name "Real married man"?)

And somehow this suggests something to you?

Honest question - are you really that stupid? I mean, it is truly difficult to believe that ANYONE could be that stupid so I am just curious at this point.