Should I marry my friend?

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  • a gem
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 4:09pm CDT
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    This is somewhat hypothetical, but my friend is nearly perfect in a lot of ways. I get on better with her than I do with almost anyone, and being with her feels so completely and indescribably natural it is almost supernatural, like we were "meant" to be together. However, three things have cropped up that make me question if she really is right for me. She thinks she needs to be rich to be happy (even though she's certainly not rich now and seems to be very happy), she is religious (I am atheist, but this has been a complete non-issue so far), and she is admittedly not super smart. She's not stupid, but I am a pretty smart guy, and she's about average. This isn't really a huge deal, but I've realized I will never connect with her intellectually, despite how well we click in virtually every other way. I'm young and have never been married, so I'm unsure if she is as close to perfect for me as I will find or if I would be better off waiting for another to come along.

    Like I say, this is kind of hypothetical for reasons I won't get into as it's a long story and hard to properly explain. Basically, though "just friends," we both see each other as potential long term mates, but current life circumstances do not allow us to be together. We have spent a good deal of time with one another though, including a five day backpacking trip just the two of us. I think this alone allowed us to know one another better than we know most of our long term friends.

    What are your thoughts?
  • Raptured
    registered
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 4:22pm CDT
    re: a gem
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    1. Girls that need money to be happy aren't usually ever going to actually be happy.

    2. Religion might not be a problem now, but wait until you have kids. Are you ok with her bringing them into her religion and, likely, dragging you along with them?

    3. If you're within 15-20 IQ points, it shouldn't be a big deal. Calling yourself "pretty smart" and her above average could mean that you're a humble guy with an IQ of 150 and she is a 103. It could also mean that you're a 110 and therefore smarter than well over half the population (ie, "pretty smar"), whereas she's a 108 and there's actually almost no difference at all. I suspect it's more than the latter if you're mentioning it. People that are considerably dumber than you can get extremely boring after a pretty short period of time.
  • Thereinliestherub
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 4:26pm CDT
    re: a gem
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    You're leaving out the most important thing; Is she good in bed? If you need a friend you can buy a dog. If you marry someone you better make damn sure she can deliver the goods when it counts.
  • Doclove
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 4:30pm CDT
    re: a gem
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    So you don't fancy her or have much in common... go for it!
  • a gem
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 4:47pm CDT
    re: Doclove
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    Doclove wrote:

    So you don't fancy her or have much in common... go for it!

    Of course my post only highlighted the differences. That was the point. In actuality, we are both extremely unique people, to the point both of us feel like we've never met anyone like the other, and though she fits in with "normal" people alright, I have a harder time getting on with them. I mean, I get along with most everyone, but I am a big loner most of the time because I enjoy time to myself more than time with the vast majority of people. I do not feel this way with her. We have similar outlooks on life, overlapping hobbies (hiking, traveling, new experiences, etc), are both health conscious and into exercise (finding a sane female who fits this description is tougher than you'd think), we laugh and laugh and laugh together, and like I mentioned, we were able to spend five days continuously around each other and no one else without any problems. That's not say there would never be problems, but very few people can be around someone for 120 hours straight without wanting to kill them by the end of the second day.

    To the other guy, she is a bit younger than me, and I'm hoping she will kind of "come to her senses" over money in the next few years as she moves from college into the work place and realizes people don't just "decide" they're going to make $100k/year (she thinks it's as simple as that). As far as religion, neither of us have made it an issue, and we are both very tolerant people. From my time with her it seems she simply has never actually looked into religion at all and that her faith comes from being told it's good and true as a child. Though not a genius in any way, she is fairly logical and would probably move away from her deep beliefs with only a small amount of illumination. I have no intention of tackling this directly though and see no point in it at present time. I would like to have open discussions about it if we were more romantically serious though, and I am sure it wouldn't take much for her to see that humans weren't created in present form 6000 years ago. She's never looked into this or studied it at all, and her mom (the apple of her eye) is super religious, so I can kind of understand her current views.

    We haven't done the dirty, but she is a 9.9/10. I'd give her the full 10, but she's pretty "lean" in a particular area if you know what I mean. This is not a concern of mine, however.
  • liberal muslim
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 4:50pm CDT
    re: a gem
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    You have a huge crush on this chick that you're intellectualizing to the extreme and she thinks you're a cool guy but is unattracted to you. Sorry dude, it's never going to happen.
  • myself included
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 5:15pm CDT
    re: a gem
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    Should I marry my friend?
    No she should not marry you.
    I firmly believe no woman should marry anyone who would post this question on LetsRun, myself included should I ever post a guery like this.

    While I do not find much value in internet published advice there are anynumber of sites that pander to this behavior . You should go ask there the bad advice will be just as bad over there but there will be more of it.
  • LetsRun.com
    your benevolent dictator
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 5:24pm CDT
    re: a gem
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    What the hell does the following mean?

    a gem wrote:

    Basically, though "just friends," we both see each other as potential long term mates, but current life circumstances do not allow us to be together.

    Please explain. It seems to me to be a big problem if there is something stopping you from dating now but you think nothing will stop you from being happy for 50 years despite disagreements over arguably the two biggest things in a marriage - money and religion.

    A few questions/comments:

    1) Is she dating someone else? Are you?

    2) Is there any sort of physical attraction between the two of you?

    3) i must admit i got a chuckle out of the following response:

    myself included wrote:

    No she should not marry you.
    I firmly believe no woman should marry anyone who would post this question on LetsRun, myself included should I ever post a guery like this.

    While I do not find much value in internet published advice there are anynumber of sites that pander to this behavior . You should go ask there the bad advice will be just as bad over there but there will be more of it.
  • NJ Possible
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 5:33pm CDT
    re: a gem
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    Keep your friendship and find someone better for you. Sounds like you're giving in.
  • worst poster
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 6:23pm CDT
    re: LetsRun.com
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    How about doing the right think and just deleting this gibberish? or at least not condoning it by participating.

    Humorous trools the provide a quick laugh are one thing. Lameness like this doesn't belong. It's not funny and probably untrue.
  • dumb
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 6:28pm CDT
    re: LetsRun.com
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    LetsRun.com wrote:

    What the hell does the following mean?

    a gem wrote:

    Basically, though "just friends," we both see each other as potential long term mates, but current life circumstances do not allow us to be together.



    The "life circumstances" is 99% likely to be that he is in the friend zone. I would speculate that she had a boyfriend except that they apparently went on a backpacking trip alone together.
  • Balian
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 6:34pm CDT
    re: a gem
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    Gotta tell you...

    This sounds like a mess.
  • noyesno
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 7:58pm CDT
    re: Balian
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    As a bona fide super-smart guy, I'mma tellin' you:

    IQ is over-rated!

    Seriously.

    WAAAAY more important question: Does she admire you? Respect you? Support you?

    If so, then... dude... do it!

    Super-smart women get tiresome eventually--always second-guessing, which presents as undermining. The girl that understands that "You da Man!" is, long term, WAY better than the one that thinks SHE da man (or close enuff).

    Religion? Give her a chance--maybe you'll convert (or, next best thing, understand that it is WAY better that your children grow up on a Christian--yes, Christian--world than in a post-religious, deconstructionist, hedonistic, self-centered morass; just my opinion).

    Is she hot? Will she STAY hot? Will she always think YOU are hot? If yes, then, day-um, brah, hop on that train!
  • noyesno
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 8:04pm CDT
    re: noyesno
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    Oh, and as for "girls that need money?"

    Yah, they keep you professionally sharp, looking to "manage your career." Elsewise you'd be some schlump with a nice 5-yr old car living in some dump with no savings and no retirement. There is a REASON that she is thinking about money/nesting/savings....
  • noyesno
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 8:11pm CDT
    re: a gem
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    a gem wrote:

    ...though she fits in with "normal" people alright, I have a harder time getting on with them. I mean, I get along with most everyone, but I am a big loner most of the time because I enjoy time to myself more than time with the vast majority of people. I do not feel this way with her.

    Man, this is KEY KEY KEY!

    She's gonna keep you from being some loner/loser (you will, eventually, be INCREDIBLY appreciative of her social skills). Sounds to me, on the minute info you've presented, that she is MADE for you and you should feel d-mn LUCKY that she'll even LOOK at you. Grab grab GRAB tight and hold on, bro! You opine that SHE might change? Oh, man: YOU are gonna change WAY more and, trust me here, you're gonna be SO FREAKIN' GRATEFUl that she has steered you into health, wealth, and happiness.
  • GoodGrief
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 8:19pm CDT
    re: noyesno
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    noyesno wrote:

    a gem wrote:

    ...though she fits in with "normal" people alright, I have a harder time getting on with them. I mean, I get along with most everyone, but I am a big loner most of the time because I enjoy time to myself more than time with the vast majority of people. I do not feel this way with her.

    Man, this is KEY KEY KEY!

    She's gonna keep you from being some loner/loser (you will, eventually, be INCREDIBLY appreciative of her social skills). Sounds to me, on the minute info you've presented, that she is MADE for you and you should feel d-mn LUCKY that she'll even LOOK at you. Grab grab GRAB tight and hold on, bro! You opine that SHE might change? Oh, man: YOU are gonna change WAY more and, trust me here, you're gonna be SO FREAKIN' GRATEFUl that she has steered you into health, wealth, and happiness.


    You are a b0ner. Quit telling this guy how to live. You sound clingy and are coming off as a headcase. Plus, you're not as smart as you think you are. Smart people know their intellectual limitations. Stupld people think they are "bona-fide smart."
  • Skyart
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 8:48pm CDT
    re: a gem
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    Are you even going out? Seems like a pointless question unless you've been together for a while, and even then you shouldn't have to ask somebody to know the answer...

    Obvious answer is hell no
  • J.R.
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 9:00pm CDT
    re: a gem
    Forum Index
    a gem wrote:

    being with her feels so completely and indescribably natural it is almost supernatural, like we were "meant" to be together.[/quore]

    You're dreaming.

    [quote]However, three things have cropped up that make me question if she really is right for me. She thinks she needs to be rich to be happy (even though she's certainly not rich now and seems to be very happy), she is religious (I am atheist, but this has been a complete non-issue so far), and she is admittedly not super smart. She's not stupid, but I am a pretty smart guy, and she's about average. This isn't really a huge deal, but I've realized I will never connect with her intellectually, despite how well we click in virtually every other way. I'm young and have never been married, so I'm unsure if she is as close to perfect for me as I will find or if I would be better off waiting for another to come along

    She is not close to perfect for you; you're better off waiting.
  • SLC
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 9:05pm CDT
    re: a gem
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    The moment you posted the question here, I guess u already got the answer in ur heart. Ur not with someone because she is (or close to) perfect, Ur with someone that u wont question this way.

    PS: I almost thought it was my ex talking until I saw "pretty lean on somewhere~~~~LOL"
  • noyesno
    6 years ago 05/11/2013 9:13pm CDT
    re: GoodGrief
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    GoodGrief wrote:


    You are a b0ner. Quit telling this guy how to live. You sound clingy and are coming off as a headcase. Plus, you're not as smart as you think you are. Smart people know their intellectual limitations. Stupld people think they are "bona-fide smart."

    Dood: middle-aged; happily married 15 years (I learned a LOT as a young gun); four children; six figures with bonus multiples in a demanding, technical industry -- smartest thing I ever did was latch onto a woman like the one described by the OP (after years of "executive-level" women)

    Don't *compete*, COMPLEMENT!