I need a joke - help me out

what the fish say when it swam into a wall?

DAM.

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

With little Nazis.

I think elephants are overprotected, but that's easy for me to say, from my ivory tower.

I saw a man feeding the birds in the park today, he was there for hours! I then realised he was dead.

The only reason nobody's punched queen Elizabeth in the face yet is because in England, you can be fined for damaging a heritage site.

Everybody seems a bit down on tha ASBO, but come on, its the only qualification some kids are going to get!

Two popes walk into a bar....

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

I went to a Zoo in China, paid $50 to go in and all they had was 1 dog.

It was a Shihtzu.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You have a drink called 'Murray'?"

Meet my invisible, Indian friend Joe. Shake his hand. Whoops, I forgot to tell you he is ten feet tall.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

Moi wrote:

The only reason nobody's punched queen Elizabeth in the face yet is because in England, you can be fined for damaging a heritage site.

Everybody seems a bit down on tha ASBO, but come on, its the only qualification some kids are going to get!

Don't get either of these. Please explain.

Sorry, those are British jokes about British culture, I forgot this forum was American. An ASBO is anti social behaviour disorder. The other one is saying that the queen is as old as a heritage site. (These sound awful when I try to explain them, lol)

Young fellow was walking down the road in Arkansas with one shoe on. Fellow in a car stopped and said "Lose a shoe?" Fellow w/one shoe said "Nope, found one."

What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?

One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker

Arkansasan wrote:

Young fellow was walking down the road in Arkansas with one shoe on. Fellow in a car stopped and said "Lose a shoe?" Fellow w/one shoe said "Nope, found one."

My favvvv so far!

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Fellow was walking down the road in Arkansas with one shoe on. Another fellow was walking the other direction barefoot and yelled at him... "show off!"

An uppity guy drove by in a rusty old ford and yelled... "shoe off!"

Want to hear a good joke? Women's Rights

Want to hear a bad one? Women's Basketball

That's really good. I like it.