Simple Question: did you become a better man after you had kids?

Your word choice leads me to want to answer to separate but overlapping questions: did becoming a father make me a better PERSON? and did becoming a father make me a better MAN?

As a man that is now divorced and came upon fatherhood without planning to do so, I may have a perspective that is uniquely appreciated or may be particularly disdained, but I will offer my thoughts nonetheless.

As a MAN: I immediately became a better man, defined as I became immediately better at fulfilling roles/duties that are historically/stereotypically defined as masculine. Mainly, I learned how to fix things, I started working more (and thus earning more money for the household), and I became the source of discipline and even became very strict (previously I would have thought that I would be a more liberal, hippie of a dad, but while I am a pinko at the ballot box, I am the metaphorical Ronald Regan at home).

As a PERSON: I immediately became a better person as well. I started trying to take better care of my health, I became faithful as a partner, and I became more respectful to my own parents.

BUT, these things were immediate changes for the better, but they all came at a hefty price. When you have a child, you HAVE to change, you are forced to work and you are forced to discipline and you are forced to do many things. The stress of being forced into those roles caused me great personal drama and pain because I was not ready for those things and irresponsibly created a child I was not ready for. That nearly destroyed me as a person and as our home. As someone that is still in reproductive age, I am never going to have a child that I am not 100% eager and ready for, and would counsel you not to so either. The things I identified above were positive changes brought about by my child, BUT they were things that I SHOULD have changed or been BEFORE having a child. I think you are only really ready for fatherhood or parenthood when you are 100% self-fulfilled already, after all that kid is looking to you to have the answers and if you don't you just failed in your job.

So in summary, yes being a father made me a better man and person because I had to rapidly try to become a good person/responsible person/ wise person, but that was the backward role, you should only have a child when you already are a great person/responsible person/ wise person. I other words, as a father your duty and job is to have life figured out so that you can explain it to your kid. If you don't have life figured out and are hoping that child-rearing will help you figure it out, use protection.

You sound like a schizophrenic. Damn. Relax, man.

I didn't change much, but I placed a priority on certain things that normally wouldn't have bothered me...

For instance, I learned more about money management so that I could make sure my family was cared for in he event that I got hit by a bus or tried to install a new light fixture in one of the rooms of my house and accidentally touched the white wire coming out of the fixture to the black wire coming out of the fixture.

Also, I had a new found respect for my wife. Before I just treated her like a girl, but after watching her have a baby, I saw her as a f***ing warrior.

I don't think it had any significant effect on my personality.

But it had a huge effect on the home dynamic and how we spend our time. Some things that were fun and easy to do without children (e.g., weekend trips, sporting events, even simple things like going to the grocery store together) became much more difficult and less attractive/enjoyable.

Other things that would have been a complete bore before (e.g., spending an hour at the neighborhood park) are now really fun because you will find enjoyment through your child's eyes.

My life was already over committed already (pre-kids), but I don't really miss anything that I had to cut back on to spend more time with my children. It really helped me to put things into perspective and to prioritize my life to be the way I want it to be.

It's definitely an added stress (at times) and it will take away a significant amount of your free time, but for me I'd do it over again (would probably have done it earlier in life).

Gelo Orange wrote:

You sound like a schizophrenic. Damn. Relax, man.

Come on, that was a useful contribution if I ever saw one.

It absolutely made me a better person.

For me, I don't think so. It has changed how I spend my time, but not really my character.

For my brother though it changed him 180 degrees. He was a tough guy in HS and hated school. Hated authority. He wanted to drop out of school. He went into the army since the work force or college weren't going to work for him. He was still a not fun to be around. He always seemed grumpy, and never aimed to better himself. He married a nice girl(how he got her to marry him, I'll never know). He was still grumpy and not very motivated. He had a girl four years ago. He became pleasant. He started finding better and better jobs. He and his wife got their finances together and are working their way out of debt. They are going to put their daughter in private school. He talks about her education with purpose and passion(even though he didn't like anything about school when he was younger.) So for my brother, yes. For me, not as much

headofhouse wrote:

I became the source of discipline and even became very strict (previously I would have thought that I would be a more liberal, hippie of a dad, but while I am a pinko at the ballot box, I am the metaphorical Ronald Regan at home).

This made me laugh. My parents are archly conservative at the ballot box, but were liberal hippie pinkos in terms of child raising.

i know men that have children and are still self-centered douches.

father hood wrote:

For those of you who are fathers, what are the actual effects that child-rearing has had on your personality, if any? Did it make you a better person? A worse person?

Concrete examples would be appreciated!

I can't say that it made me a better man or person.

Unfortunately, it rendered me sleepless: my first child was born 18 years ago, and since then I've had two uninterrupted, undrugged full nights' sleep. Two.

The lack of sleep destroyed me physically, and lowered my resistance to every kind of stressor: illness, dealings with coworkers and students, my wife's development from a wonderful person (with whom I'd never had an argument of any kind) to a hateful alcoholic, etc., etc.

Because of the physical depletion, my basic immaturity surfaced and I still have to remind myself constantly (at age 50+!) to act like a grownup. Not much of an example for one's kids. My work (as a college coach) went down the tubes, and I eventually resigned (before I could screw up any more students' college xc/tf careers--and, unfortunately, after I had screwed up dozens).

Because of the sleeplessness and fatigue, I packed on 20-30 pounds over the course of several years, and drove myself deeper into exhaustion and illness. (Note to new-dads-to-be: extra eating does *not* make up for a lack of sleep.) I've shed that, and am gradually getting a little fitter, but it's been a long road.

All of which is a longwinded way of saying that fatherhood *could* have made me a better person, but that *I* made myself a worse person.

Pussy Cat Eater wrote:

tried to install a new light fixture in one of the rooms of my house and accidentally touched the white wire coming out of the fixture to the black wire coming out of the fixture.

Have you ever heard of a circuit breaker?

There is no excuse for dying like that.

86r5f wrote:

[quote]father hood wrote:

Unfortunately, it rendered me sleepless: my first child was born 18 years ago, and since then I've had two uninterrupted, undrugged full nights' sleep. Two.

Why couldn't you sleep? I understand when they are young, but 18 years worth?

Yes. Somebody once wote that God gives us children so we'll no longer be the most selfish person in our home. Fatherhood motivated me to come to grips with my faith, to become a better husband, and to love someone (now three someones) unconditionally, regardless of their attractiveness, attitude, or actions. I don't think I was capable of even imagining that before I became a father. And therefore I wasn't really able to see that element of the love of God.

this is just crazy. having children did not render you sleepless for 18 years. you basic immaturity surfaced because you are basically immature.

No doubt. Right after I busted my nut to start the process of child-rearing, I felt a few hairs pop out on my chest and my sac hung a little lower - definitely made me feel more manly.

g'damn man, you seem like the fun sponge.

I refer to my children as "going away presents".