Funniest Joke You Have Heard

Jimmy Carter was a great President. Funniest joke I know.

Women's sports.

A duck walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender says, "No." The duck walks out.

The next day, the duck walks back in. He says to the bartender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender says, "No. Get outta here!" The duck walks out.

The next day, the duck walks back into the bar. He says to the bartender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender says, "No! And if you come back in here tomorrow asking me for 'gwapes' I'm going to staple your feet to the bar!" The duck walks out.

The next day, the duck walks back into the bar. He says to the bartender, "Got any staples?" The bartender says, "No." The duck says, "Got any gwapes?"

A Different Christmas Poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,

I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.

My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,

My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.

Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,

Transforming the yard to a winter delight.

The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,

Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,

Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.

In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,

So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,

But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.

Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the

sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,

And I crept to the door just to see who was near.

Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,

A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,

Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.

Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,

Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,

"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!

Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,

You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,

Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..

To the window that danced with a warm fire's light

Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,

I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."

"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,

That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,

I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.

My Gramps died at Pearl on a day in December,"

Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."

"My dad stood his watch in the jungles of Nam ,

And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,

But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile."

Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,

The red, white, and blue...an American flag.

"I can live through the cold and the being alone,

Away from my family, my house and my home."

"I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,

I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.

I can carry the weight of killing another,

Or lay down my life with my sister and brother.."

"Who stand at the front against any and all,

To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall.

So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,

Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."

"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,

Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?

It seems all too little for all that you've done,

For being away from your wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,

"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.

To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,

To stand your own watch, no matter how long."

"For when we come home, either standing or dead,

To know you remember we fought and we bled.

Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,

That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

PLEASE, do me the kind favor of sending this to as many people as you

can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our service men

and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities. Let's try in

this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think

of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

I suspect more than a few of us will end up like this man .... and have the same thoughts!

CRABBY OLD MAN

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte , Nebraska , it was believed that he had nothing left of any value .

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem . Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital .

One nurse took her copy to Missouri . The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Crabby Old Man

What do you see nurses? . .. .. What do you see?

What are you thinking . . . . . when you're looking at me?

A crabby old man, . ... . . . . not very wise,

Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . .with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . .. . .and makes no reply .

When you say in a loud voice ..'I do wish you'd try!'

Who seems not to notice . . . .the things that you do .

And forever is losing . . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . lets you do as you will,

With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?

Is that what you're thinking?. . Is that what you see?

Then open your eyes, nurse . . .you're not looking at me .

I'll tell you who I am . . . . .. . As I sit here so still,

As I do at your bidding, .. . . . .as I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of Ten .. . . .with a father and mother,

Brothers and sisters . . . . .. . . who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . . with wings on his feet

Dreaming that soon now . . . . . a lover he'll meet

A groom soon at Twenty . . . . .my heart gives a leap.

Remembering, the vows . . . . ..that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . . . I have young of my own.

Who need me to guide . . . . . .And a secure happy home.

A man of Thirty . . . . .. . . . . My young now grown fast,

Bound to each other . . . . . . . .With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons .. . . . have grown and are gone,

But my woman's beside me. . . . to see I don't mourn.

At Fifty, once more, . . . . . . . babies play 'round my knee,

Again, we know children . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . .. .my wife is now dead.

I look at the future ... . . . . . shudder with dread..

For my young are all rearing . .. young of their own.

And I think of the years . . . . and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . .. . . . . . . and nature is cruel.

Tis jest to make old age . . . . . look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles . . . . . . grace and vigor, depart.

There is now a stone . . . . . . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . . a young guy still dwells,

And now and again . . . .. . . . . my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys . . . . . . . I remember the pain.

And I'm loving and living. . . . . life over again.

I think of the years, . . . . . . .all too few gone too fast.

And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people. . . . open and see.

Not a crabby old man. . . . . . . Look closer . . . . see ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within . . . . we will all, one day, be there, too!

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM

The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched.

They must be felt by the heart.

May you always have

Love to Share,

Health to Spare,

And Friends that Care.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the seat next to

me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

Saturday morning I got up early,

quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I

hooked the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly

undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

I rear-ended a car this morning. So,

there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

************ ********* ********* ********* **

My wife was hinting about what she

wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny

that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman

that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your

shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,

'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my

wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped

your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

My wife and I were sitting at a table

at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed,

'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife,

'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason took my order first.

"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

A woman was standing nude, looking in

the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw

and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I

really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick

Who's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

....

Christopher Walken

This site would qualify.

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says, "Can you drive this thing?"

A fish swims into a wall. He says, "Dam."

Three gay guys are sitting in a hot tub when suddenly, a huge wad of semen floats to the surface. One of them looks at it and says, "OK, who farted?"

Did you hear BET is starting it's own version of Good Morning America? Starts at noon.

What's the most common pickup line at a gay bar?

"Can I push in your stool for you?"

The stick joke was already mentioned. I love that joke.

Did you know the title of one of Christopher Reeves' books is "Still Here"?

Why does the bride always wear white at a wedding? It's customary to have the dishwasher match the fridge and the stove.

How do you get a gay guy to f*** a woman?

Shit in her c***.

A daddy shark and a baby shark swim towards a crowded beach. The daddy shark says, "Ok, now I'll teach you how to hunt. First swim around with your fin just sticking out of the water." And so, daddy and baby shark swim around with just the tip of their fin sticking out of the water.

"Next," says daddy shark, "swim around with half of your fin out of the water." So daddy shark and baby shark swim around with half of their fin sticking out of the water.

"Then daddy shark says, "Now swim around with your whole fin out of the water." So daddy shark and baby shark swim around with their whole fin out fo the water.

Baby shark says, "Daddy, why did we have to do all that?" He replies, "They taste much better without shit in 'em!"

It's a pun! wrote:

Who's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

....

Christopher Walken

Ahhh! You beat me to it. Probably my go to joke right now.

A tray of muffins is baking in an oven. One of them turns to his neighbor and says: "Getting hot in here, huh?" The other muffin yells: "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

Two friends go out hunting. The drive and drive and finally park on the edge of the woods. They hike in for about an hour to the tree stand.

After a bit, one of the guys, Bob, says "I gotta go to the bathroom."

"Well, just climb down the tree and go over behind those bushes" said Tom.

"No, I need to take a crap," said Bob.

"well. behind those bushes."

"I can't. What will I use for TP?"

"Use some leaves; it will be fine."

Bob says "Give me the truck keys. I'll drive back to that store we passed."

Tom: Are you nuts. It took an hour to get in here and at least 20 minutes to drive from that store. You'll never make it and waste the entire morning. Tell you what, after you crap, just wipe your ass with a dollar.

Bob: Damn good idea.

So Bob climbs down, goes behind the bushes and is back there for a while before emerging and climbing back up.

Tom: Damn, you must have really needed to go!

Bob: Nah, it was a normal crap.

Tom: Then what took you so long?

Bob: Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with three quarters, two dimes and a nickel?

_________________________________

Why do sharks swim in saltwater?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

hgfvhvbh wrote:

What did one twin tower say to the other?

I'll be down in a minute.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple.

The holocaust.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

One was the first to walk on the moon, while the other rapes children.

Those three are some of the stupidest jokes I've ever heard. Nothing funny about them!

why did Michael Jackson go to Wal-Mart?

he heard boys pants were half off!