My marriage sucks. I love my kids. I love being married. But I can't see myself with my wife after the kids are out of the house. I married before age 30 and am now reconsidering the advice of many. I don't want to get divorced but it's inevitable. It's a bad sign when my family never wants to come over because my wife treats them terribly. I get it.
Are all women this terrible?
Reconsidering wrote:
Are all people this terrible?
FIXED. And Yes.
Mine has turned selfish and she thinks she's sweet and lovable. In public she acts all nice and like a devoted wife, home, she's mean and cares only about her self.
Yes there all slags dont wory about it!! Women are the root of all evil
Start getting yourself more involved in volunteer opportunities, and look for ways to include your wife in some of them. She needs to get out of her comfort zone.
Also, don't overlook the possibility that she may have some nutritional deficiencies or gland abnormalities.
Getting divorced sucks.
Being divorced is awesome!
Is she black or white? We all know that's what really matters.
Overview and Background of the American Hispanic and Latino Population
As of July 2007, Hispanics comprised approximately fifteen percent of the U.S. population with an estimated 45.5 million individuals reporting Hispanic ethnicity. Hispanics are currently the nation's largest ethnic or racial minority, and the Hispanic population is projected to nearly triple in size by the year 2050; nearly one in three U.S. residents will be Hispanic .
Generally speaking, family is an important cultural value to Hispanics. Sixty-six percent of Hispanic children live with two married parents. Hispanic couples generally have more children than other racial and ethnic groups. In 2000 the birth rate for Hispanics was 96 per 1000, compared with 69 for Blacks and 57 for Whites.
Generally speaking, family is an important cultural value to Hispanics. Sixty-six percent of Hispanic children live with two married parents. Comparatively, approximately seventy percent of all U.S. children live with two married parents. Hispanic couples generally have more children than other racial and ethnic groups. In 2000 the birth rate for Hispanics was 96 per 1000, compared with 69 for Blacks and 57 for Whites.
Used interchangeably, "Hispanic" or "Latino" refers to any person of Mexican, Puerto Rican, Cuban, Central American, South American, or other Spanish cultural origin or descent. The 2000 Census expanded terminology by inquiring about "Spanish/Hispanic/Latino" ethnicity. Given the multiple countries of origin, there is much within-group variation under the label "Hispanic" or "Latino." Despite having a unified language -Spanish- there is also variation in terminology among the various countries. For example, a "tortilla" is circular flat bread made of corn or flour, but in Puerto Rico, a "tortilla" is an omelet. In Bolivia, babies are called "huahuas; in Chile, babies are known as "guaguas." However, there are also Latino cultural commonalities that unify people of Spanish-speaking countries that are described in more detail below.
There are a number of traditional beliefs about family relationships among Hispanics. Most of these beliefs overlap with philosophies of marriage and roles within the marital relationship. The extent to which Hispanics identify with or accept these cultural norms or mores, however, may depend on their country of origin and their level of acculturation and assimilation to the U.S. For instance, integration with American mainstream culture may weaken adherence to traditional Hispanic cultural views for second- or third-generation Hispanics born in the United States.
Marriage in the Hispanic and Latino Community
Marriage in the Hispanic culture is often seen in a familial context-extending beyond the nucleus of the married couple. Familial relationships are regarded more highly than the marital relationship.
Marriage in the Hispanic culture is often seen in a familial context-extending beyond the nucleus of the married couple. This perspective is influenced by cultural beliefs regarding family, for example, "colectivismo" (defined below). Familial relationships are regarded more highly than the marital relationship. Being a good parent to children and involving extended family members or close friends as trusted sources of support are common beliefs and practices upheld by the Hispanic / Latino community.
Cultural Beliefs Related to Marriage:
• "Colectivismo" emphasizes the needs of the group rather than the individual. Family needs go before personal needs.
• "Simpatía" emphasizes achieving harmony in interpersonal relationships by avoiding conflict, emphasizing positive behaviors, and downplaying negative behaviors.
• "Familismo" refers to strong feelings of loyalty and unity among family members.
• "Marianismo" refers to being submissive, self-sacrificing, religious, humble, and modest. A wife is often evaluated by her conformity to these values.
• "Hembrismo" (femaleness) refers to strength, courage, and perseverance. A wife is expected to enforce tradition, morality, and religious values, as well as run the household and rear the children.
• A husband is expected to display "machismo," meaning he is expected to be strong, in control of the family, and responsible for providing for his family.
Hispanic CoupleMarriage, Divorce and Living Arrangements:
• Approximately 67% of Hispanic households consist of a married couple; 44% consist of a married couple with children under the age of 18.
• When compared to the population at large, Hispanics have higher rates of never marrying. According to Census 2000 data, about 30% of men in the U.S. were never married; approximately 24% of women in the U.S. were never married. Comparatively, over one-third of Hispanic men (38%) and 30% of Hispanic women have never married.
• 35% of all low-income married couples are Hispanic. 40% of all low-income married parents with children under age 6 are Hispanic.
• In 2004, 37% of Hispanic marriages were to a non-Hispanic individual. The number of inter-ethnic marriages among Hispanics increased from 891,000 in 1980 to 2,076,000 in 2004. The majority of inter-ethnic marriages are between Hispanics and Whites.
• Researchers have found that compared to the overall population, the divorce rates in the year 2000 among Hispanic men and women are lower. In the general population, approximately 9% of men were divorced; approximately 11% of women were divorced. In comparison, Hispanic men have a divorce rate of 6%; Hispanic women have a divorce rate of 9%.
Researchers have found that compared to the overall population, the divorce rates in the year 2000 among Hispanic men and women are lower. In the general population, approximately 9% of men were divorced; approximately 11% of women were divorced. In comparison, Hispanic men have a divorce rate of 6%; Hispanic women have a divorce rate of 9%.
• When a Hispanic individual is married to a non-Hispanic individual, their marriages are more likely to end in divorce than when they are married to a Hispanic individual. Unfortunately, there is little research to explain why this is the case.
• When compared to marriages involving two White, non-Hispanic individuals, marriages between a Hispanic individual and a non-Hispanic individual have a similar or lower likelihood of divorce.
• Educational attainment has a positive association with divorce rates for Hispanics. Hispanics with less than a high school education are far less likely Whites to divorce. In contrast, Hispanics with post-high school education are more likely than Whites to divorce.
• There were 6 million unmarried partner households in 2006 (5.2 million are opposite-sex couples). Hispanics are slightly less likely to cohabit than Whites.
Hispanic CoupleResources for Practitioners
The National Healthy Marriage Resource Center (NHMRC) has numerous on-line resources to enhance healthy marriage curricula and family strengthening programs that are serving Hispanics.
• The NHMRC held a seminar on Capitol Hill in Washington DC entitled Healthy Marriage in Culturally and Racially Diverse Populations where panelists discussed lessons learned on serving African American, Hispanic and Native American populations in healthy marriage programs. Transcript and audio-cast of the September 2008 seminar are available.
• Appealing to Hispanic Men (Migrant Workers): Strategies for Recruitment and Engagement in Marriage Education -- This Tip Sheet is designed to give practitioners strategies and advice on how to engage Hispanic men in marriage eduation programs.
• Las características de los facilitadores efectivos (Characteristics of Successful Marriage Educators) --This Spanish-language Tip Sheet provides a description of various characteristics to be considered when identifying facilitators for healthy marriage programs serving Hispanics.
• How To Partner with Existing Social Service Systems - Expanding the Reach of Hispanic-serving Healthy Marriage and Family Strengthening Programs -- This How-To Guide provides tips and strategies for expanding the reach of Hispanic-serving social services.
• Trends in Percent Ever Married by Age and Race/Ethnicity -- This fact sheet provides a table on marriage among Hispanic men and women.
• Considering Culture in Marriage Education -- Tip Sheet to help you make your curriculum culturally relevant
• Twogether in Texas Baseline Report on Marriage in the Lone Star State. See Special Report #1: Culture and Marriage: Strengths and Weaknesses of More Traditional Versus Assimilated Hispanics in the Texas survey. This is a statewide survey which includes a large Hispanic sample. Survey findings report on attitudes toward marriage, living arrangements, and interest in marriage education.
Additional Resources available through the NHMRC:
• The Hispanic Healthy Marriage Initiative (HHMI) has developed curriculum modules which can be used to supplement a marriage education program. The modules are available in their entirety on the NHMRC Website here. Topics include: Hispanic Culture and Relationships, Gender: What Makes us Different, and Talking Together.
• The Hispanic Family in Flux. Center on Children and Families Working Paper by: Roberto Suro. Nov 2007.
• Hispanic Families: Stability and Change by: Nancy S. Landale and R.S. Oropesa. Annual Review of Sociology. 2007.
• Gender Norms and the Role of the Extended Family. Publication of the HHMI. 2005.
• The Future of Marriage and Hispanics by: Nancy S. Landale and R.S. Oropesa. Journal of Marriage and Family. 2004.
Resources for Hispanic Families
• 10 Cosas Que Puedes Hacer Para Tener Un Matrimonio Saludable (10 Things You Can Do To Have a Healthy Marriage) --This Spanish-language Tip Sheet provides examples of things couples can do to strengthen their relationship.
• Preparando a tus Hijos para tener un Matrimonio Saludable (How to Teach Your Child About Healthy Marriage) --A Spanish-language Tip Sheet for parents with strategies to help teach children about the importance of healthy relationships and marriage.
• Los Efectos del Estrés en tu Relación de Pareja (How Stress Affects a Relationship) --This Spanish-language Tip Sheet offers couples strategies to protect their relationship from the negative effects of stress.
• Reconstruyendo la Confianza en Tu Matrimonio Después de una Infidelidad (Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage After an Affair) --A Spanish-language Tip Sheet designed to help couples who have experienced infidelity rebuild a trusting relationship.
• Como Proteger Tu Matrimonio de la Infidelidad (Preventing Infidelity: How to Stop Affairs Before They Start) --Spanish-language Tip Sheet providing strategies to help couples maintain their connection and prevent infidelity.
• Como Lograr Metas Financieras en Pareja (Strategies for Couples Dealing with Financial Strain) --This Spanish-language Tip Sheet is designed to provide strategies to help couples make decisions and reach financial goals together.
• Trabajando como Equipo para Criar Hijos en otra Cultura (Working as a Team to Raise Children in Another Culture) --This Spanish-language Tip Sheet offers ideas to help couples maintain a sense of family unity while raising children in a new culture.
Hispanic CoupleLinks to Other Relevant Information
• The Administration for Children and Families' (ACF) Hispanic Healthy Marriage Initiative (HHMI) provides resources from tip sheets, to curricula listing, to data. This website also has many links to other useful resources:
http://www.acf.hhs.gov/healthymarriage/about/hispanic_hm_initiative.508.html
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The HHMI has developed brief video interviews of healthy marriage program participants and staff, and programs are encouraged to post the videos on their own website as well as utilize them in other settings when reaching out to potential partners, educating community stakeholders and recruiting participants. The videos are available in Spanish and English and can be found at the following links:
HHMI Video La Familia: Nuestra Fortaleza y Felicidad
HHMI Video Family: Our Strength and Happiness
HHMI Video 2 Compartiendo Nuestra Experiencia...Fortaleciendo la Familia Hispana - Video Uno
HHMI Video 2 Compartiendo Nuestra Experiencia...Fortaleciendo la Familia Hispana - Video Dos
HHMI English Video Sharing Our Experience...Strengthening Hispanic Families - Video One
HHMI English Video Sharing Our Experience...Strengthening Hispanic Families - Video Two
ACF also provides this list of available resources for Hispanic Healthy Marriage programs: and this list of marriage education curricula available in Spanish:
In addition, ACF also have a series of briefs for practitioners:
* Measuring Program and Marital Satisfaction Among Hispanic Couples
* The Importance of Faith and Religion in Delivering Marriage Education Services to Hispanic Couples
* Cultural Adaptation and Relationship Dynamics
* Gender Norms and the Role of the Extended Family
• Family Bridges provides services for Hispanic couples, and this website has resources that cater to the community's culture:
• The Chicagoland Marriage Resource Center primarily serves Hispanic couples and highlights information available for providers with Hispanic couples:
• The Center for Law and Social Policy (CLASP) prepared a paper entitled Adapting Healthy Marriage Programs for Disadvantaged and Culturally Diverse Populations: What Are the Issues? It is available at
• The Fragile Families and Child Wellbeing Study is following a cohort of nearly 5,000 children born in large U.S. cities between 1998 and 2000 (roughly three-quarters of whom were born to unmarried parents). These families are considered "fragile" because they are at greater risk of breaking up and living in poverty than more traditional families. Papers of interest include:
Bendito Amor: Religion and Relationships among Married and Unmarried Latinos in Urban America Working Paper 2007-06-FF by: W. Bardford Wilcox and Edwin Hernandez.
Married and Cohabiting Parents' Relationship Stability: A Focus on Race and Ethnicity by Cynthia Osborne, Wendy Manning, and Pamela Smock. 2007. Journal of Marriage and Family. 69(5): 1345-1366.
• The Pew Hispanic Center is a nonpartisan research organization that seeks to improve understanding of the U.S. Hispanic population and to chronicle Latinos' growing impact on the nation:
. Between Two Worlds - How Young Latinos Come of Age In America is one publication of this organization. 2009.
• U.S. Census Bureau's American Community Survey Report -- Hispanics: 2004. Released in 2007.
Appears he's learned how to copy and paste.
I feel for the poor women who are married to these whiny, conniving men.
Snatch wrote:
Appears he's learned how to copy and paste.
Taking lessons from Marshall Burt.
Having been there myself, I recommend a starter marriage. Get in young, get 2 1/2 years experience with serious intent of long-term ownership, sign off, then move on to the one that's a keeper once you are older and know what you are getting into. By far the best approach. Sounds too late for you, but for all the young, impressionable folk out there...
The Real UncleB wrote:
Generally speaking, family is an important cultural value to Hispanics. Sixty-six percent of Hispanic children live with two married parents. Comparatively, approximately seventy percent of all U.S. children live with two married parents.
Do you even read the drivel you copy and paste without attribution?
Is family an important cultural value or do more Hispanic parents split than non-Hispanics?
The institution of marriage has undergone great stresses in the Western society. High divorce rate and the trend of living together has resulted in broken families and troubled children. The human society developed and refined the institution of marriage over a long period of time. Although scientific achievements have provided the World with all kinds of amenities, the human beings have not changed at a basic level. The human instincts such as joy, jealousy, love, hate, fear, pride and prejudice have not changed over the millenniums. The people still need stable family environments and friends to share life experiences. Being a first generation immigrant, I am always amazed when I read about the divorce rate in the USA. Looking within the South Asian community here, I find the divorce rate negligible. This diametrically opposite situation has prompted me to analyze the roots of a successful marriage. These statistics have led me to believe that unsuccessful marriage is a unique American phenomenon. This problem has started to manifest in the second generation of immigrants who are born and brought up in this country. Since this causes a major disruption in the lives of children who are the future custodians of this great nation, it is worthwhile to study the factors that contribute to a stable family and marriage.
The successful marriages require support systems, common values, and shared aspirations in addition to love and mutual understanding. These aspects are discussed in detail in this article.
Cultural Uniformity
General observation shows that the couples in a successful marriage belong to a similar cultural group. By cultural group in American context refers to refers to Italian, Cuban, Mexican and Irish American groups. The other groups include Chinese, West European and Hispanic American. The culture is a broad term that includes language, music and literature among other things. These divisions may not mean much to European immigrants but they are in fact considered important in India and Pakistan. A cursory look at ethnic newspapers reveals that people or parents are looking within the same group for marriage relationship.
The first generation immigrants generally marry within their cultural background and most of them have stable marriages. It is not suggested here that people should only marry within their own ethnic group. The successful marriages between people of diverse backgrounds require broad vision, maturity and freedom from all kinds of prejudices. As the marriages between diverse cultural groups have started to occur in the second generation of immigrants, so have the divorce rates started to approach American norms. In the USA, marriages are intermixed among people from European origins. There are no considerations for family or cultural background. The differences start to manifest soon after the honeymoon.
A better communication between people of similar background could be the reason for fewer instances of misunderstanding. The people of similar cultural background instinctively understand the likes and dislikes of their partners. For example, some people love dogs or other pets because they always had a dog or cat in their homes while growing up. There are other people who consider dogs and cats as a nuisance that must be avoided at all costs. Some people like to congregate in-groups while others are brought up alone in a calm and quiet home. The differences are obvious if a person goes from England or Sweden to any place close to the Mediterranean Sea.
Role of Religion
It has been observed that religious people have successful marriages. This refers to both partners. If one of partner is religious and other does not share same ideas, it becomes a difficult relationship. The immigrants are more religious than their counterparts in the native country. The people back home in India, Pakistan and Mid East believe that if a person lives in America then he or she must be modern and liberal in outlook. A lot of marriages fail because of this particular misconception. The humanity in various parts of the World developed marriage as an institution and religion sanctified the relationship. The religion provides a code of ethics and standards of behavior that need to be followed. For example, the religious edict saying, " Thou shall not commit adultery" lays the foundation of relationship in marriage for both partners. This factor alone can reduce strain in a relationship as it gives certain level of assurance of commitment to the marriage.
Recognition of mistakes
It is never easy to accept and own the mistakes and saying sorry. The ego gets hurt and people tend to think that after saying sorry the other partner will gain an upper hand. Just by simply acknowledging the error or a mistake can resolve fifty percent of the conflicts. Most of the people who have a stable and successful marriage are very up-front in their relationship and never hesitate to say sorry.
On the contrary, small misunderstandings can resultin irreconcilable differences. The common response is to find equal and similar fault in the partner and reminding that he or she is even a bigger culprit. The preeminent reason in many of such instances is that both partners are not giving up any ground and differences continue to grow. This approach if avoided can result in a harmonious relationship. Forgiving and accepting apology leads to better understanding.
Economic Conditions
Better economic conditions do not mean that only rich people can have a stable marriage. The people should spend only what they can afford. This is one of the major causes of strain in marriages at all income levels. Some people at a lower income level have much better marriages as compared to the rich and wealthy people. The key is to keep the expenses within limits for both partners. In the USA, the temptations are unlimited. Everyday, people are targeted with advertisements for new cars, better gadgets, and idyllic vacations. The message comes across as if all these things do not cost anything. There are promises of no payment for a number of months. The human beings are psyched up to buy the things that do not need and vacation that they can not afford. After few weeks of bliss, the reality dawns when the payments have to be made and there is hardly any money available for essentials needs. At this point in time the blame game starts. In Europe and Asia, people buy the merchandize whenever there is a need. In the USA, the need is created. There are countless examples. A simple one that comes to mind is the cellular phone. Some people need wireless communication for business or personal reasons. However, the marketing of wireless equipment make us believe that nobody can live in the next millennium without it. All of these small things add up. A large segment of population can not afford all of these modern inventions. The inevitable result is the strain on all relationships. The misunderstanding reaches the peak when the primary bread -winner in the family loses the job. On the other hand, the cost of food, clothing and housing is much cheaper in the USA as compared to Western Europe, Middle East and Asia. The people can live comfortably by controlling expenses and by staying married.
Support System
The availability of a support system is a great contributor to stable marriages. The support system is a network of friends and relatives that can be relied upon in case of any misunderstanding. Both partners can discuss the problem with their respective friends. By discussing the problem alone can put it in a proper perspective. In North America, there is a great emphasis on individual growth and independence. This factor alone prohibits sharing of concerns and aspirations with friends. In the Eastern society, the extended family and friends provide a network that keeps marriages on track. The lack of this support system has started to manifest in the second generation of immigrants. The Americans can at least go to a psychiatrist to identify the problems. The immigrants lose the support system that was readily available in home country. They also abhor to seek in any kind of psychological help and thus face a double jeopardy. I have personally known a number of marriages in stress in the USA, while similar relationship would have been very cordial in their own country.
The solution is to develop a new network and also keep the old network alive by communication. The revolution in communication has brought the whole World very close. Now it has become possible to reach out to anyone at anytime. In the USA, one can find all ethnic groups from all over the World. The social and cultural links can now be very easily maintained. I have seen Korean, Indian, Chinese and Pakistani communities all across America. It is now possible to develop a network of friends within one own community who can understand the background of problems.
In South Asian communities, parents, brothers and sisters play a powerful role. If the parents listen to only one side of the story, then the marriage is doomed. On the other hand if they understand and appreciate the situation of other partner, then the marriage is strengthened. I have seen parents listening only to version of their own kids. It is very difficult to accept that their own kids could be wrong because it reflects their own failure. The key for the parents is to listen to both sides before placing the blame.
American Work Environments
The working environments in the USA are very dynamic as compared to any country in the World. The non- stop restructuring, new technologies have a great impact on the society. In order to keep up with the changes, people have to move in search of jobs. The neighborhoods get transformed in a matter of years. Sometimes it seems as if all America in on the move. When the people move, they get away from friends, relatives and familiar environments. The American born people are perhaps used to this kind of life. Most of the Americans quickly get settled in new environments, make new friends and never look back. However, people from the East come from very stable family systems.
The movement from one place to another uproots people and kids never develop lasting friendships. These relationships are a stabilizing factor in marriage. Whenever, there is a disagreement between the spouses, these are the people who can patch up the differences. The big dilemma is now how to reconcile the demands of career with the needs of a stable marriage. A simple advice for people on the move is to develop new friendships and also maintain old relationships. It has become very easy with the emerging technologies of Internet and communications.
Developing new friends can be easily done. In a new place, telephone directory research to look for places of worship and familiar surnames can be very helpful. Our experience shows that even random calling can result in finding very helpful people from any Asian or Mid Eastern countries.
Conclusion
In spite of great social upheaval in social norms during the past century, I find the institution of marriage still very strong. In the USA, people can live together without marriage and have children. The people in USA do not question the private life styles of other people. However, it is a surprise to see young Hollywood stars getting married who are supposed to be in the forefront of new liberal style. A large number of people get married again after bitter divorce. This indicates that there is something in the human psyche that propels people towards making a commitment to marriage. This fact was recognized long time ago and gradually the institution of marriage evolved over centuries. The challenge for our times is to keep the marriage intact. I believe it can be done and most of the marriages can be successful. The institution of marriage is a foundation for a stable society. We owe it to our future generation to provide them a carefree childhood with pleasant memories.
No, they just make terrible choices
Actually the biggest problem are the whiny, self-serving men who are still feeding at mommys tits and have not matured beyond fourteen years. We have a neighbor like that. He was whining a while back and I just told him to grow up, get a pair and then I walked off.
Jeez, more and more women are castrating their sons and making them mommy boys for life.
If you want to be happy, live like UncleB.
but seriously, your situation sounds like the one with my parents. Things became pretty crazy once my dad moved out. My sisters and I (all HS age) moved with him. The enormous hassle that ensued was worth it and perhaps inevitable.
Your situation probabably differs a good bit, so good luck with whatever you choose.