The Ultimate Hypothetical 800m Race

i'd go with the bear if it was a polar bear because it'd be so pissed off that his home is melting. Since its a mere grizzly, let's go with Coe in 1:43 after snell stopped with 50 to go to kick the bears ass...

Kaki i reckon..

Also not thatthe prize for the winner is a lifetime supply of wild Pacific salmon. I'm not sure how this was communicated to the grizzly bear, but he seems to be very excited by the prospect - bellowing and standing up on his hindlegs and whatnot.

Kipketer is also excited, but does a better job of containing himself.

Kipketer, tape to tape.

Why even ask? :)

El Caballo

Kevin Akers wrote:

El Caballo

Alright, fair enough. We'll add Juantorena as a late addition. However, he has to share a lane with the grizzly bear.

Let\'s stick in El Guerrouj just for fun. I think the bear will eat them all except for the skinniest one (el guerrouj) and he will win by default

this is a great thread

this is some of the reason why I love this message board

I say kipkiter barely but so many people would be closing him in that last 100

A grizzly bear would probably get out the fastest, then you have to question who would want to go around it. If anyone did they would be swinging well wide, winning time would be slow. Pistorious would be the least appetizing for the bear, plus he would not tie up at all on the second lap so I'm going with him.

But if Pistorius wins against this, the greatest middle distance field ever assembled, it casts huge doubt upon the idea that his prosthetic legs offer no advantage. The IAAF would be crazy not to ban him from competition after seeing such a win. Is it worth risking one's career in athletics, simpky for the sake of a lifetime supply of salmon? I wonder if he would really want to win.

Bear in mind that Pistorius has already demonstrated that having a good human interest story gets you much, much more press than any running accomplishment, so he knows that this win would do little for him in terms of either fame or fortune (ignoring, that is, the fortune of fish that he would gain).

i don't know man beating a bear in a race may actually make the press. You can't get on TV for actually being fast but people love stupid PR stunts.

I remember reading that Grizzlies have been clocked at 25 mph, pretty durn fast I reckon.

Fantasy Scenario wrote:

Sebastien Coe

There is no such runner with this name that has ever been elite.

The gun goes off and it truly is a mad dash off the line. The runners are going all-out to try to get away from the grizzy bear. Juantorena, having the unfortunate luck of sharing a lane with the bear, is instantly mauled. The bear sits at the start line tearing apart his meal.

As they break from their lanes, the competitors are in order based on top end speed. Wariner out front, then Coe, Cruz, Kipketer, and Kaki in some order, followed by Snell, then a gap to Pistorius.

They hit the 200 meter mark and the runners start to slow down. No one wants to lead as they come back around again to the bear. They hit the top of the home stretch and slow to a jog. The bear is spread across lanes 4 and 5, so the runners go to lanes 1 and 8.

As they approach, the bear rises from Juantorena's corpse and roars. The runners turn and run in the other direction. The bears chases. Once again, top end speed is the determining factor and Pistorius gets caught at the top of the home stretch.

By now the remaining runners are shitting themselves. They head back to the top of the back stretch and wait, about as far from the bear as possible. The bear finishes with Pistorius, then heads across the infield. He is DQ'd.

As he approaches, the runners go scrambling in all directions. Wariner, Kipketer, and Kaki are sprinting back toward the starting line. Wariner is feeling confident because he is the fastest of all the runners. He can sprint back and forth all day letting the other runners get picked off until the bear is full. However, unfortunately for him, with his pink-ish white skin and fish eye glasses, he looks the most like a salmon.

The bear eyes the prize that is Jeremy Wariner and gives chase. Wariner reaches the starting line and heads into the stands. He is DQ'd, and then a second later is killed by the grizzly. Kipketer and Kaki start to head in the positive direction on the track once again, though they are now 200 meters behind Snell, Cruz, and Coe.

As Snell, Cruz, and Coe hurdle the corpse of Pistorius at the top of the home stretch, they realize now is their best chance to pass the bear. He is occupied in the stands. They sprint by in lane 1. Their 1st lap split is 15:24.56.

Kipketer and Kaki coming cruising by 25.68 seconds later.

It is now a 3 man race. Cruz, Coe, and Snell come to the 700 meter mark and it's a sprint. Kaki and Kipketer are at the 500 meter mark. The trio in front thinks they can make it past the bear, who is still in the stands near the start/finish line. As they swing 3 wide in the very middle of the track, the adrenaline and fear push them faster they they would have thought possible. 50 meters to go, 40, 30.

Suddenly the grizzly emerges from the stands and rushes the threesome. Coe, Cruz, and Snell leap toward the finish line Christian Smith style. The bear leaps toward them and...clotheslines all 3 of them at once!

They go flying backward, unconscious. Not one has crossed the finish line. The grizzly goes to work on these three.

The only runners left now are Kipketer and Kaki. They've slowed to a walk and are standing at the 730 meter mark watching in disbelief as the bear eats his 4th, 5th, and 6th victims at the finish line.

They don't know what to do. Kaki is poor, so a lifetime supply of salmon would feed him and his family for a long time. Kipketer is simply a salmon fiend, so he wants it too. Neither will yield.

They decide to get in opposite lanes and sprint by the bear. God will decide who survives. With Kaki in lane 1 and Kipketer in lane 8, they begin their sprint.

The bear sees them coming and hunches forward in attack mode. Who will it be? The runners approach. The bear crouches and roars.

At that moment a flash appears in the middle of the track. It is Juantorena! Though the bear ate his legs, after it was no longer occupied with him he crawled up the home stretch and attached Pistorius's Cheetah Flex Foots to his bloody stubs! He goes bounding by Kaki and Kipketer. His incredibly long stride combined with the extra height and bounciness of the Cheetahs has him up to speeds never before reached by human beings. The bear sees him coming and leaps for him. Juantorena jumps clear OVER the bear! It's a miracle!! He's won! Juantorena has won!! He drops to his stumpy knees and praises God.

Kipketer crosses the finish line, followed by Kaki, then the bear. The bear mauls Juantorena. Stupid El Caballo, all that lost blood must have made him mentally foggy. He didn't win. He didn't even run 1 meter.

Final results:

Kipketer 35:37.65

Kaki 35:37.76

Coe DNF

Cruz DNF

Snell DNF

Juantorena DNF

Pistorius DNF

Wariner DQ

Grizzly Bear DQ

Kipketer just smiles. He's a freak for salmon.

jeremiah johnson wrote:

I remember reading that Grizzlies have been clocked at 25 mph, pretty durn fast I reckon.

That is slower then the fastest human though.

That may have been the funniest post ever on letsrun!

Very funny except for the end. The guy coming back and throwing the legs on was super stupid.

Forget the bear. Kip comes from a land where he'd probably spear and kill it. But unfortunately during that time, he'd fall too far behind.

Dear play-by-play:

Well done, sir (or madam). Well done.