Need advice: broke up with my fiancee

Need 2 No wrote:

In that case, winter break is NOT over. Also, you would know to capitalize Asshole, Troll.

Just as one would capitalize 'PHaggot'.

anotherrunner wrote:

he could be a teacher, genius...or could work at a college or something... try thinking before you write stuff just for the purpose of trying to bash someone else

May I suggest you thoroughly read a thread before responding. Or, as you might say, "... try reading before you write stuff just for the purpose of trying to bash someone else."

I felt the same way as you did when the 27 year Marriage failed.

What I did.

Antidepressants.

Counselling:Three sessions is all it took before I started to deal with the whole situation.I was a non believer in counselling before this and it was the Best decision.

Run:I literally ran myself to a standstill.Sort of a self punishment.My times improved dramatically.

I went out and had more one night stands than I can remember.I was late Forties at the time.

After about a year I felt like I had the old self back.

I then felt it was time to get my life back in order.

I went for a particularly attractive Woman that I thought was out of my League.I couldn't believe that we had so many things in common.

She doesn't run but who cares.

Have been together 7 years and NEVER looked back.

Good Luck Buddy.

Only You know what You are going thru and it is a very Lonely feeling.

Steven R. wrote:

Troll Alert wrote:

You're 27, but just finished "winter break." Nice try.

I'm a teacher, asshole.

You both have "great careers"? Nice try.

It could be worse. At least you have relationships. My friend has depression and he's wasted his teens and early twenties feeling sad and lonely. You wouldn't know it from looking at him or talking to him. He's good looking and could get any girl he wants if he tries but I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend. He always sets high standards for himself but considers himself a failure at everything he does. He's also underemployed for his level of education.

Some tips that might help:

1) Write down the warning signs that you missed or ignored. Please don't tell me that there were none. If you like, post them to this thread so others can benefit, and so that you can find and read it again, if necessary.

2) Move. New surroundings help form new memories, which should starve the bad memories more quickly. If you can't move, redecorate and/or rearrange the furniture.

3) Throw out the physical reminders (photos, gifts, etc.). Get a new mattress. Toss the cologne she liked.

4) Leave the lid and seat up on the toilet. Fart more often without looking around.

5) Get some hilarious movies and watch them every day.

6) Pretend you went through a bitter divorce, but were spared the lawyers, legal costs, alimony, mud, nasty comments, etc. Celebrate!

7) Look for things you can do to help others. Teaching is nice, but volunteering works wonders also.

Now you know why you need to date someone for at least 2 years before getting engaged, and why engagement is a good idea: It makes it much harder for unstable people to hide their problems from their potential mates. Resolve to make your future children promise to wait 2 years before getting engaged, and to be alert of warning signs.

Every step of your run is a step forward with your life. The first step is the hardest, but it will get easier.

Best advice is to burry yourself into the two most important things you still have. Work and Running. Seriously, focus (I know it can be hard, but now is the time to MAN UP) on Work and Running. Keeping your mind occupied will help you move on. When you feel yourself slipping back to thinking about the "good old days" just burry yourself into work or go for another run.

This was the advice a good friend of mine gave me after my wife left me after 6 years of marriage and he was so right. Focus on work and running.

You are only 27.... everything will be fine in the future and if this girl is really bipolar... then you should be happy you found it out now than after you have a kid with her!!! Be happy, focus on the great things you have in your life and run!!!

I've been there before. Best thing to do is to force yourself to do things even when you don't want to. When you keep busy, it keeps you from over-thinking things and feeling really down. I suggest running EVERY day to keep busy. Even better if you can go with someone. Throw yourself into activities & make plans even when you don't feel like it.

You say you're a teacher... take on a coaching position, a club advisor, volunteer to chaperone a school function, etc. Sign up for some classes through the gym or rec department. Hang out with friends and family ALOT. In time you will feel better. I think dating is different for everyone. I casually started dated about 4 months later.

People have a tendency to remember the good times and feel sad about the relationship ending. You need to remember the bad times and how selfish she is by not seeking treatment for this manageable condition. Do not rethink you're decision - I am sure you made the correct one. You cannot help someone who will not help themself.

Thank you so much for the advice. My first day back at work was extremely difficult. Not getting an email from her at lunch (something we did every day) brought on a wave of sadness I can't even describe. I've been through a couple breakups before, but nothing like this. For the first time in my life, I cannot see the light on the other side. I am truly at my breaking point.

As far as warning signs, there are two I can think of. One is her mother. From the minute I met her, she was rude and short with me. She was a control freak, and cried at the drop of a hat when my ex did anything that went against her approval. The other warning sign is the fact that she had anorexia in high school and into college. She told me that it was due to her mother's controlling nature, and had nothing to do with trying to be thin (she said that the only thing she could control in her life was how much she ate, so she ate nothing). She told me about her anorexia early on, and I never judged her by it, and respected the fact that she sought treatment for it while in college.

I've been giving some serious thought to counseling. I've never been to see a therapist, nor has anything in my family, so I really don't know if it would be helpful or not. Has anyone taken that road, and can you tell me what it was like?

Thanks again, everyone. Your help means a lot to me.

up your mileage; go to the gym twice a week for some light weight work (and a chance to meet people); see how good you can be with your running and racing this spring without the female distractions.

All great advice so far.

After my ex went pyscho and left me and my 3 sons for someone else I went to see a therapist. It is really helpful. It was a talk therapy deal, I just went once a week and sat and talked to the therapist. I thought it was very helpful, of course, I didn't want to share the ugly story with my frineds so it just unburdened me to talk to someone.

I also got active in Church, joined a running club, did a lot of dating.

I have been divorced about a year after a 14 year relationship.

You are very lucky you didnt marry her and have kids!

Oh, another thing I did is every day wrote down 5 things I was grateful for. During some of the bad days it was really hard to list 5 things.

Time is the best medicine. It will get better.

I dated a woman who ended up having a similar type of problem and also went through some misery afterward for a while. But the reality is, you are MUCH better off learning this now and making this break than marrying the woman and perhaps having children with her.

Give yourself some time to mourn it a bit, but try to use the start of a new year and the passage of the holidays as an opportunity to open new doors. Don't obsess about it.

Start making plans for the new year, like travelling somewhere on your own or with your buddies, taking up some new hobby, whatever. Do something fun, just for t he hell of it. Rearrange your furniture, whatever.

Dude, you will be surprised to see that in a short while, you will be thinking about some other woman. It seems impossible at the moment, but it is absolutely true.

Definitely keep exercising, but if the running seems like its in a rut at the moment, throw in some swimming or something else.

Also, counseling is a good idea, as is reading though some books in the self-help section. There's plenty out there. The main thing to remember is that your own thoughts have a lot to do with how you feel, so don't dwell, blame yourself or wallow for too long. When you start thinking about it too much, change the subject.

You'll get through this.

Tough love dude, it sucks and sorry you had to go through it, just remember that the worst is over. Its always hard going through the Holidays without someone, especially when its relatively a new breakup, but if you made it through christmas and new years, you're probably going to be fine.

My tips for break-ups are as follows. Surround yourself with some good friends and try to get out the door and socialize with people. You don't have to be on the lookout for the next chick, but I find that just putting yourself in positions to meet new people will get you exited and re-adjusted to the idea that you're in fact single. Part of the breakup is for you to realize that your not doing anything wrong and to let go of the anymosity... practice makes perfect.

Tip 2, complete cut-off. No calling, no e-mailing, none of the little quirks you used to do... it only adds on to the time it takes to move ib.

Tip 3, I don't think people ever completely get over some that they loved. Remember that there will probably always be some kind of conection there, think of it more as moving on to another chapter in your life. The more you focus on the past, the harder it is to write the future.

Time heals all wounds.

best of luck dude... you'll be fine...

I know your pain. I've been through breakups several times. I hope to never again (I'm now 47) but it's part of life. My first wife "became" bipolar (I guess maybe she always was but she got progressively worse). We divorced after 15 years. What I did then you should not do (drink). That my friend is a slippery slope and it took me a year to hit bottom. If I were you I'd go to a counselor right away. You need some support. Maybe some running buddies could be helpful to chat with also. You probably need to take a close and honest look at yourself to find out why you jumped into the relationship so fast. You are not alone. After my divorce I met a pretty woman and after a month we were an item. Problem is I fell hard for her but she was not honest with me. PAIN again. Next year, different woman, same result. The pain does go away slowly. It should come as no surprise that you must love yourself (as you are) before you can love someone else and watch for warning signs. If you see them, walk away to avoid the heartache you know feel.

i think the best person to call in situations like this is the captain, he always helps.

I've been to counseling after my divorce. I was nervous about going, but it's the best thing I ever did. Go with an open mind and a willingness to know yourself better and you'll get what you put into it out. But if you go with resistence... you won't get anything out of counseling.

Counseling won't bring her back, nor lessen the pain. It will get you to know yourself better. You'll know why you hurt, what you are afraid of and so on and so on. How does that G.I. Joe's saying go? "Knowing is half the battle!" Yeah, you are of that age... you should know that!!!!

Focus on work, keep busy and RUN!!!

I broke off my engagement last year and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. You should appreciate how lucky you are that you didn't marry her. A few months after my broken engagement I met an amazing man who I am still dating (going on 9 months) and I've never been happier in my life. We are an infinitly better match. A relationship should feel easy, if you have to work hard to keep in tact (especially in the beginning) you probably aren't right for eachother. During the healing process work on improving yourself, buy new clothes, work out, feel good about yourself, and have a guys night out with your friends.

I've passed age 50, been around the block once or twice, so take it from an older man.

Count your blessings, as another poster wrote: you didn't marry and/or find out after the fact, mercifully no kids were involved.

Nothing against you, but you related that the warning signs were there. Take that point & review it.

You also related that the Mother-in-Law was a piece of work: another reason to be grateful you're out of that situation.

Were you in love, or just had so much mental and emotional investment that you couldn't break the deal & blinded yourself to what was happening?

I'm not being mean...you're your own Man, roll up your sleeves, spit in your hands and get on with life. I've seen too many men get their heads messed up by ex-whatevers.

I recently dated a woman for a year who I, at one time, thought for sure was the one.... Everything started out great but then it became quite the roller coaster ride... Despite the ups and downs there was a Very strong connection and the chemistry was amazing but like your fiance she could be very different at times... She always seemed to turn when things were really good. All of a sudden I wasn't doing this or that etc. etc... I can honestly say I was Very good to her and I think anyone who knows me can vouch that I have a consistant character & personality.... Anyway,,,, I can go on and on but from what I can tell she suffers from some form of Borderline personality disorder. Her mother is bi-polar... When she wanted to call it quits she started dating another guy right away which was quite painful... After a few months depressed, sad, and at times angry I do feel like I'm beggining to move on.. Trying to have a healthy relationship with a woman who has a personality disorder is Very Difficult... Your going thru the worst of it now especially since you really love her... I know what its like.... It can be confusing and you may be hard on yourself but in actuality it sounds like your the healthy one... Don't start thinking your the crazy one... Trust me, you will get thru it but right now its got to be pure hell.... Go for a run.. It will make your feel better..

These posts are why I laugh (or snarl) at women who complain about how men treat them.