Why do guys do these kinds of things to girls?

This is a potential soap opera. Can I buy the rights Mr. Black Box?

This Guy is a Black Box wrote:

(And honestly, he never really was much of a skirt-chaser anyway -- more of a loner. Think Chris McCandless, that guy that died alone in Alaska.)

As difficult as it may be for others to understand, loners actually do like being alone.

You see each other 4 times a week even when you're not dating? That is a lot. Give him some space. Let him spend some time alone to walk around in his underwear, belch, and scratch himself without having to worry about you.

Then, when you meet next, remind him how great it is to be with you. Cook a great meal. Wear a short skirt. Emphasize whatever it is that he values in your relationship. He'll come around...

No one should have to explain why they don't want to be in a relationship with you. Odds are he'd just make up a bunch of bullshit lies & give you a false sense of hope. Breaking up with someone is a very hard thing to do, especially after a longterm relationship. If they mustered up the courage to actually tell you they're done, then trust them, they're done. There are 6.5 Billion people in this world. Odds are you can find someone else out there that will care about you a lot more.

Only love can break a heart.

Only love can mend it again.

There was a song by Bobby Rydell, I think, that said that and then another song by Neil Young. Any others?

Your initial description, and especially points 1-3 here, remind me of a situation I am familiar with. I think there are a couple possibilities. - He's tired of your games (e.g. the multiple breakups in the past). You didn't say specifically, but i'm guessing there used to be lots of fighting (hence the breakups) and now there is less (hence your "really hit our stride" comment). Well, he still sees you as the person who used to cause fights all the time. - You don't excite him anymore. This is particularly related to point #3 below. Sounds like he is, for various reasons, *obligated* to see you fairly frequently, and he resents it. - He didn't really want to get back together after the month long breakup, but he caved in (either because he wanted sex, or he was weak and caved in to what you wanted). Either way he realized it was a mistake after a short while, and has been looking for an excuse to break up ever since.The moral of the story is, no matter what his reasoning, he isn't doing this specifically for the purpose of hurting you, he is doing what he thinks is best for him, and that does not include you, unfortunately. Sorry.

He finally realized what an awful mistake it would be to be trapped for life with an over-analytical, putting-on-weight like crazy, needy chick like you.

I think he did explain why he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore- he finds it stagnant, he doesn't think it's progressing and he doesn't see himself continuing in a longterm relationship with you. That seems pretty straightforward to me. Do you WANT him to pick apart every last little thing he dislikes about you? Most likely it's not one major cause, but more of a realization that you're not what he wants for his life so he needs to move on- which is exactly what he told you.

To the OP:

- Stop referring to this overly convoluted situation as a hypothetical. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but trying to dissociate isn't working.

- For whatever reason, he doesn't want it anymore. You know what that means? No matter how much you love him it won't work. Shed some buckets, eat some ice cream, and move on. In 2 years you will be much happier.

- Live and be happy about what you have aside from relationships.

Same thing happened to me last month, but it was her who had all these same traits. She too was a loner, swore she'd never cheat, still cared about me, we still saw each other at school, and both gunshy about marriage because of past divorces. She had met another guy who caught her eye. She tried the "I need some space" routine until I found out there was another guy in the picture. I threw her out of the house, we spent some time apart, and then she realized she couldn't live without me and came back.

Set him free. There might be another girl in the picture, and he's just confused as hell and is trying not to hurt you. Give him some time, be patient, and trust him. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

Thanks for the awesome insight, Jorge; may all of your present and future relationships be so straight-forward, happy, and functional, too. I'm glad you have it all figured out.

No, he doesn't need to do anything beyond what he's done. He's shown you respect and he's shown you integrity. He has been honest with you and quite frankly by your continuing to demand more of him is what's causing the problem. You seem to be dragging out the breakup that he clearly wants. A true friendship often doesn't materialize after a couple breaks up, that's just life. Maybe it will and maybe it won't, the point is men don't break up with women they want to marry. They usually do everything they can to get to be with that girl.

Interestingly a scientific study was recently published where attractive women were told to flirt or at least show interest in a male subject. The male then would rate his personal satisfaction with his current partner. After the attention by the attractive female the partners ranking dipped very low. The reverse situation, male paying attention to female showed no difference in rating ones partner. So maybe there's some attractive woman somewhere paying attention to him.

H2O girl wrote:

Interestingly a scientific study was recently published where attractive women were told to flirt or at least show interest in a male subject. The male then would rate his personal satisfaction with his current partner. After the attention by the attractive female the partners ranking dipped very low. The reverse situation, male paying attention to female showed no difference in rating ones partner. So maybe there's some attractive woman somewhere paying attention to him.

Where did you see this study?

Let's cut to the chase, shall we?

To "This Guy is a Black Box": For the love of Mike, GET A GRIP...PLEASE!!!

He gave you the best explanation he could, and he moved on. Time for you to do the same. With all due respect, stop being such a chick. Do you really want to waste another precious moment of your short life fretting over this nonsense???

H20 Girl (and others who have suggested similar things): I completely, 100%, get the message that he doesn't want to be with me for the long term. That much is blindly obvious. I'm also not interested in dragging things out; I need to get on with my life, too! (You'll note that in deference to the previous poster, I've dropped the anonymous distance nouns.)

What's most baffling to me, though, is why he insists on still wanting to spend time with me and be friends with me. He MUST know that I still love him, and thus am vulnerable to agreeing to spend time with him when he asks, and when we do (and we have a couple times since the breakup), it's always really fun and relaxing. It's not until after I get home and reality sets in again that I get confused. If we still have so much fun, still enjoy each other's company, still have so much left to talk about, still feel comfortable around each other, then WTF? Either make up your mind that it's okay to keep dating, or leave me alone and let me heal. (On a separate note: I honestly don't mind keeping the long-term out of the picture, or at least on the back burner -- I'm at least as afraid of that kind of commitment as he is. So continuing to date w/o reference to long-term would be okay with me.)

Why don't you take the first step by being honest with him? Tell him that you don't want to spend time socially with him anymore, at least for a while, because you want space to move on with your life. Tell him to leave you alone. Schedule new things and make plans with other friends.

He's had a lot longer to adjust to the relationship ending than you have, and he's probably just not experienced enough to realize that he's hurting you by continuing to be friendly. You can't really fault him for being nice to you, so it's your responsibility to toughen up and tell him no.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. -- Oscar Wilde

People normally go through stages in relationships when they are more attracted and less attracted to their partner and that could be freaking him out. It's an ebb and flow thing and it can take some getting used to.

I would wager this is (both of) your first long-term relationship. The attraction will always be there to a degree in a LT relationship, but to make it work for life, there has to be a sense of partnership and a resonance at other levels besides physical attraction.

Maybe the relationship has run its course and things have gotten stale emotionally-physically (no slight intended). You also need trust. If he is sampling life outside of the relationship with someone else, that is usually a deal-breaker. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is considering other options. Protect your interests and make sure it isn't going to work out before you both decide to move on.

I saw it in the Globe and Mail online edition. I tried to search the archives to post a link but couldn't find it. I'll try again this afternoon and I'll post it here if I'm successful.

Detailed strategy discussions?

If a relationship is built off of detailed strategy discussions it's not going to be much fun.

It sounds to me like you found a guy who's great in theory and you probably think that you are a good fit for him, in theory, so you were willing to work for a long time in the hope that you could make the chemistry happen. You strategized and planned and got to a point where there were no obvious problems. You were fine with that, he was not. I don't blame him. It's not very romantic when a relationship "works" because you've laid out ground rules and plans for why it is going to work.

Even though this guy didn't mess up or get in fights with you for the last five months, he probably liked the period before the strategizing better because then there was the possibility of a surprise or organic thrills, rather than manufactured contentment.

If you're a believer in love and passion, strategy discussions don't turn you on.

I've been happily married for nearly five years and there have been a lot of talks between my wife and I, but they don't make the relationship happen or cause, as you put it, "qualitative differences," they're just maintenance.

So, in short, to respond to your question, he broke up because there's no thrill in arranged happiness.