Men over 30, how lonely are you?

I’ve gotten used to it. I’m indifferent between interaction and isolation now. I like both and just let whatever happen. I do my work, and enjoy my hobbies in my spare time =)

33 year old single male here. I'm in a similar situation although I overcame the emotions of loneliness that I felt. I have a handful of friends that are spread out across the country and busy with their families. I see my parents about every 1-2 weeks for dinner.

I work in an office and I do interact with people as I go about my daily business. However, I go weeks and weeks without a single social engagement with a friend.

This was a big change from my life pre-COVID. I had a very active and engaging social life with a lot of time with buddies and girlfriends. COVID upended all of that and sent me spiraling. People I considered good friends went away.

There was a period where I did struggle sometime in 2021. I was suffering from depression and also quite isolated. I found that the more I resisted my feelings of loneliness, the worse they became. Without going into too much detail, I was at a crucial point of what I now consider to have been a journey to bring me where I am today.

Without getting too woo woo on you, I recognized that I had a lot of inner work to do. That I was caught in a cycle of suffering based on my attachment to that which I couldn't control... society, chaos, and people... essentially, even if I did find new friends or a girlfriend, I would then suffer from fear of losing them. You can see that fear drive a lot of how other people manage their relationships by staying in friendships that don't make sense any longer or in loveless marriages.

This brought me to mindfulness teachings which brought me to Zen Buddhist teachings which brought me to peace. I don't know if I identify as Buddhist or not, it doesn't matter with what we learn in these practices, which is that it isn't the things that we experience that cause our suffering but rather our reaction to those experiences and the stories we tell ourselves about them. The label I assign to myself or the stories I could tell myself about my life don't matter but rather I live out the reality of my life in the most authentic and genuine way possible.

There was a time that I would have felt an aching emptiness in me as I sat alone in my home. My resistance to that emotion and others... guilt, shame, regret, loss, grief... perpetuated them. That resistance looked like avoidance and emotionally based coping behaviors such as constantly keeping busy and working out, trying to mend relationships broken beyond repair, obsessively swiping through dating apps, and ruminating about the past and my fears for the future. I thought if I could just connect with people again those feelings of loneliness would go away, but even when I was with people I felt terribly insecure, self aware, and still very lonely.

What I learned to do was sit with these emotions and accept them along with the reality of my experience. I had guidance and support with the resources I turned to along this path to do this in a constructive and cathartic way which made all the difference. By reposing in a place of non-judgmental awareness and allowing myself to be with the totality of experience in life, the reality of my life, through meditation and practicing being present, I was able to work with these emotions and troubling doubts in a positive way.

By experiencing my emotions of loneliness and embracing them along with all of my other emotions, I found that they began to dissipate. Moreover, I began to feel connected to the present in a way that more than made up for anything I felt I had lost before I undertook all this inner work. I now feel tremendous joy, peace, and contentment, along with many other emotions on a daily basis, but I no longer experience emotions of loneliness, even when I am and remain "alone" in the way most people would characterize my life.

“We must become so alone, so utterly alone, that we withdraw into our innermost self. It is a way of bitter suffering. But then our solitude is overcome, we are no longer alone, for we find that our innermost self is the spirit, that it is God, the indivisible. And suddenly we find ourselves in the midst of the world, yet undisturbed by its multiplicity, for our innermost soul we know ourselves to be one with all being.” -Hermann Hesse

Middle-aged dude here. Retired.

Been widowed now for 8 yrs - was married for 19 before she passed.

Kids are grown up & out on their own.

Didn't have many friends when I was married & nothing has really changed now (I have a fair number of a acquaintances at my gym).

I had a really nice lady friend that I hung out with for about 3 yrs. She was beautiful. She was coming out of a her 2nd divorce & was looking for a friend. We had a lot in common & she lived down the street from me. We also belonged to the same gym, and at one time about decade ago - belonged to the same running club (I remember her & her husband would show up at some of the club races).

We worked out at the gym & did things together. A lot of laughs & some cries. I wanted to date her but she was not interested. I never felt lonely when I was around her. She has such a great sense of humor.

Then she met a fellow from her work & they started dating. They got serious & now she's engaged. Her financee is uncomfortable with our friendship, so she ended it. That hurt really bad. 😥

I'm unable to find a girlfriend or another lady friend. I've never felt more lonely in my life. 😔

Que Sera Sera

Feel bad for you, man...but take a moment to consider how much of a blessing you were in this woman's life. She probably learned to trust men again...and, if she used that rebuilt trust on someone else...that's not the worst outcome.

Also, the Stoics had a perspective on this matter that might help: we don't own anything. When we lose it, it goes back to where it belongs.

There are many other women out there in the same boat. Hope you find one.

Middle-Aged Loner, I accidentally downvoted your post. It's a sad but good story you told and I didn't mean to.

buy an xbox or something and join some gaming communities.

A lot of introverts find that the best plan is to get married. Then you live with your best friend, who may be of a similar personality. You are at a prime age to be dating seriously and meeting your life partner.

you can change downvotes to upvotes if you're a registered user, moran

I experienced this somewhat significantly in 2019. Some life disappointments didn't help. I was probably clinically depressed and all alone, despite being VERY involved in my church and succeeding in many typical respects.
Until my wife and kids met another family on a sledding hill in our neighborhood. I stayed home somewhat self-loathing. The husband found out that I had run at one point (it had been 6 years) and my wife thankfully gave him my number. He started pestering me to come out for a run. He wouldn't stop. It was almost annoying. I finally said yes to get him off my back. It turned into a couple of days a week. By the end of summer I'd lost 30-40 pounds. I'd opened up about my struggles, and he his. We both found healing.
A year later we founded a local chapter of the nationwide F3 organization (Fitness, Fellowship, Faith) to rescue other sad clowns (our loving name for what you are describing and what I had experienced).
Our F3 now reaches 200-300 men who come out at 0530 to lead each other in free workouts multiple days a week. The beautiful concoction of using our bodies as designed (fitness), coupled with the relational needs we have as humans (fellowship) and the eternal perspective ingrained in us (faith) has brought healing and hope to our community.
And it started because one dude wouldn't stop texting me to go for a run.

In short, you're not alone in your experience and you don't have to be alone in life.
There is an epidemic of male loneliness in our country, but it doesn't have to be this way.
Find an F3...Form a running group...Make it happen. You got this.

I struggled with loneliness on and off in my twenties, but now that I'm married and have a child, I don't feel that anymore.

Most of my coworkers are not married and have moved away from close family and friends. It's sad to me that when I ask how their weekend was, they generally have so little to report. Glad that you are filling your life with good things.

I would recommend marriage and having children - it provides meaning like almost nothing else.

Advocating marriage--stating the obvious, but of course with the right person. Nothing is worse then being married and feeling even more alone. This happens and carves a greater emptiness.

Yeah I'm right there with you. I used to have a great social life and along with the obvious reasons of 2020 being bad on my social life, my two closest local friends moved away durin that time, followed by a second baby, and then worse of all I went through a brutal cancer treatment that required me to move away several hours while my wife (at the time) gave birth. Cancer drove our marriage into the ground, as I felt she resented me from taking attention away from her while she was pregnant, and she never supported me during treatment aside from just hoping I didn't die. Her mental health deteriorated until she asked for a divorce because she saw how happy her friends are after they divorced (two of them were in abusive relationships so yeah they're happier now duh). Don't mean to sound douchey but I am handsome and my social skills are above average, so dating has gone well, but women really get weirded out about my cancer. I will reach out to male friends most of whom essentially aren't allowed to have social lives outside of their marriages, or they are extremely career oriented, or just don't have time. I live in a very small town so hobby clubs and things like that are few and far between.

I'm feeling for you, man. People in general can be disappointing when suddenly you're confronted with serious illness. What you're experiencing makes them feel uncomfortable and rather than feel uncomfortable, they tend to ice out those who need community and connection more than ever.

Regarding the disappointment with the women you encounter, check the below video out. I think this woman explains why you're seeing the kind of behavior that you have from your wife, your friends' wives, and the women you date. It might be validating to watch.

I’m not lonely. Also an introvert here. Just entered 40s.

I make it a point to see someone every couple of days, for either lunch, dinner, or a quick coffee.

Once every month or two, I get a few friends together for a meal.

When the weather is good, I will get a couple people together for a hike. A good friend studied art so I will join him at galleries or museums once in a while; not my world, and I don’t always understand it, but I enjoy doing something different than my usual.

Easiest way to meet up with people is to base it around cuisine. I wanted to try Salvadoran food so I asked a couple friends if they were interested and they joined in, ended up being really fun.

OP: Loneliness after 30 isn’t inevitable. It takes more effort than when we were younger, which can be frustrating. The rewards are great, and life can be really fulfilling in different, more meaningful ways. Less around booze, more around ideas and conversation.
I might be happier now than in my 20s.

This is awesome. Not a person of faith here but I fully support your group and its intentions. Community is important for all humans, and you’re also helping people get healthy, along with staying connected. You nailed it in your last paragraph: it doesn’t have to be this way.

If you feel lonely while having normal interactions with other people, then you are not really an "introvert."

Getting married and having kids isn't like flipping a switch. It takes a bit of time, effort, and good fortune. I also reject the idea that just because someone doesn't have some grandiose, exciting weekend (in your opinion) that it's "sad". For some people, reading a good book, having coffee/drinks with a friend, and going for a run in the woods is a great weekend.

What type of environment do you live in? Urban? Suburban? Rural?

If you're in a suburban/rural environment, is moving closer to the city or in a more urban environment a possibility or realistic? This has been the issue for me. Although I love what's available to me out my back door (large park), buying a house in the suburbs has effectively shut me off from a lot of social stuff. It makes it extremely difficult to meet up with social groups because even a drive of 5-6 miles into the city takes a half hour. Unusable public transportation and no realistic route to bike into the city. Unfortunately this is what we've built and are continuing to build in this country... sprawl and car dependency. If I were to go back in time, I would consider buying a condo/apt or maybe a house in a location where I could easily bike to social things. I rarely do social things because it's just such a hassle to do where I'm currently located.