Two years ago, i was a d1 elite top of the state athlete competing for XC and track for highschool.
My last race i was running and i started noticing my legs were loosing strength, mobility and flexibility. (I am one of the strongest runners at my speed i know of, 165-170 all muscle 15:44 XC 4:25- 1600M Wouldve went down to 4:15 post season from) Because of this i knew something was terribly wrong so i went to see my first doctor and took an MRI on both hips.
He came in, examined me and said there was nothing wrong with me and i could continue running, little did he know he was dead wrong. A few months later i got sent to a more advanced one and he figured out i had two hip labral tears caused by hip impingement, (a bone deformity in the hip socket) had i wouldve listened to the first one i don't even know if i would have legs So i ended up getting surgery two times last year and they drilled off the bone deformity. During that year i came across the most bizzare illegal cult on youtube called actualized.org It's a dangerous channel on youtube with a mentally ill or evil individual who messes with your phychology and has caused people to end there life. He has making videos claiming he is god and how you can realise you are god too and because that year i was a evangelical christian i had a event that caused my phyche to seitch paradigms because of incident that led to realise i was deluding when i realised deeper things about some of my family members.
Because this bone deformity prevented me from doing crosstraining activities i was in a complete vulnerable state and lost my muscle and gained weight due to stress. I had no worldview and was prey to that cult leader, i have had 5 near death experiences (attempt suicide) as a result of pain, despair and constant stress
In one of his videos he said that solipsism is true and you are the only conciouss entity in the whole universe that suffers and through years of meditation, phychedelics or yoga you could realise this.
So for 6 months i locked my self in a dark room and meditated all day. It wasnt untill i started feeling the deepest dread i have ever felt in my entire life i realised over time something is not right and managed to break out of that cult through rigorous training doing calisthenics and lifting where i almost whited but i even stronger than before even feeling suicidal during the whole process.
For the past 2 years i could not think clearly which resulted in me almost injurying my rotator cuff tear benching to failure with no spotter out of desperation.. And now after finally doing my first strides and 3x2x1 fartlek last week i have never seen such beauty in my entire life. Untill i hit that long run and legs gave up at mile 7 and i had to walk 5 miles back.
I cant even walk without having pain now.. And here i am back to feeling depressed and suicidal.. (Wont do it of course.) I was out for two years and still am and part of my life has been destroyed. I have avoided phychiatrists and therapist because i dont know how much if that stuff is fraud or real but i tried to get support through reddit about nonduality and my physical deformity because i lost touch with reality and all they said i was feeling sorry for myself which put me into a deeper state of detachment from reality.
I could have felt sorry for myself and saw a therapist or phychiatrist or i could have trained to death while in leg pain and gave myself therapy, i choose to improve however i believe most would have chosen a, And would still wonder why they were depressed. Let alone even not having this physical disability and still feeling sorry for themself to not even just jog a few miles..
We dont even know if depression, anxiety are caused by caused by a chemical imbalance if you do the research however i am no expert, it just seems to be a controversial topic.
I was one of the most confident successful people in my entire town the time it seemed but because of mother nature hates me it seems to give an example that no matter how secure you think you are, life can flip a radical 360 and just about the exact opposite of what you are now can flip within the blink of an eye.
I am hoping there is no excuse to get back in kick ass shape with the same ranked class i was competing before but time will tell.
For those who have read this, thankyou and stay safe.