Hospital requires me to have someone accompany me out of the hospital following surgery.

This is what family is for, ask them to be available. No buddies, no girlfriends?

Are you affiliated with any religious groups? Perhaps a member of your congregation can help you.

It might help you figure out who to ask to think of this way: For a good while after you wake up from surgery, you are going to be drunk. Who do you trust to keep you from doing dumb stuff while drunk?

PS A few months ago, an older cousin had oral surgery. The next day, he couldn't find a steak he'd been saving for a post-op treat. He could not figure out what happened until he logged onto instagram. There he found were pictures of the really nice steak dinner he'd made the night before. He had no memory.

You could pay someone.

They force you to pay for a more expensive taxi service where the person walks you all the way your front door. They won’t let you leave with an Uber

I hear you. If you have family members in or near the area, you should ask them. I of course don’t know what your dynamic is with them, but family relations are primal and sometimes a family member asking is all it takes for the other person to genuinely want to be the kind of person who rises to such a need.

Alternatively, depending on for how long you need someone to assist you, you can hire a nurse that continues to visit you at home or just find a TaskRabbit-type tasker to escort you home just that one time. You can also call a local taxi service and ask if them if the driver can come inside the hospital and accompany you at the scheduled time. The hospital itself may be able to arrange such a service.

Just leave. What are they going to do? Have the hospital police arrest you?

I don't have any friends or family either.

If I ever have a surgery, I will hire a sexy midget escort to pick me up. I guess I won't remember it, but I like the idea of the hospital staff reacting to a super-hot midget waltzing in wearing leather and high heels and maybe a whip and taking me home.

If it's an "unsafe discharge" they might not let you out.

Hospital police are the worst. Their tasers are defibrillators.

Well, it's called leaving AMA (against medical advice). But if you're all drugged out, I doubt you'll be able to find the exit.

He saved a steak for post-oral surgery meal?

You'll find out that being that rebel simply doesn't work. What happens the next time he needs these people, needs that hospital? This.....can't tell me what to do......you should out grow, go with the way are suppose to be done, use your head.

Saving a stake just in case a vampire might come in to take advantage of some punk all doped up on fentanyl.

is op serious?

Actually, what’s the LR community good for if someone can’t volunteer to take home a fellow runner getting an Achilles surgery? Assuming you are serious, post your city and if you happen to be in my area, I’ll try my best to work it in my schedule to be a good samaritan for you. If not, hope you can find someone who lives in your area on this board.