Nation’s Largest Roast Beef Distributor Accused of “Arbytrage”
By Senior Fast Food Legal Analyst R. L. Scribner IV
AKRON, OHIO---In what three or four well-known hyperbolizers around the country are describing as “The Legal Battle of The Century (So Far),” the owners of Subway, Quizno’s, and Blimpie’s have teamed up to bring charges against fast food giant Arby’s.
“It’s just completely unfair, and it’s been going on for years,” stated Subway Vice-President B.L. Thomaston in a press release regarding the lawsuit. “We’ve been putting up with this for far too long, and we will not stand for it any longer. Arby’s has been getting their roast beef at ridiculously low prices since the early [19]90’s.”
Thomaston, of course, was referring to what is now known globally as “Arbytrage,” a process by which a company specifically receives roast beef at low prices, then turns around and sells it to desperate consumers for a large profit.
“What better target than Americans? We love three things here in America: roast beef, roast beef, and Britney Spears,” claimed food critic Marvin Shoemaker. “The public just collectively cannot resist those fresh, piping hot Beef n’ Cheddar sandwiches. They are being taken advantage of, and they deserve to know. For the kids’ sake, for Christ’s sake.”
This is not the first time Arby’s has faced controversy. It was less than two years ago that the nation collectively realized that Arby’s commercials featuring their mascot, “The Oven Mitt,” were not funny at all. See article here (
http://geocities.com/scribnersatire/arbyslabatt
).
“In some ways, this is worse than The Oven Mitt scandal of 2004. Sure, they brainwashed us into believing that Tom Arnold was funny, or that The Oven Mitt which he voiced was funny, but this is different,” argued angry consumer Kyle Caféro. “Back then, they were only tampering with our senses of humor. But now…now they’re messing with our wallets. And that’s where it really hurts.”
“I’m angry!” Caféro added, as he slammed his fist upon a table.
But Arby’s has not been quick to admit it’s guilt. According to the CEO of Arby’s, John Bringham, this so-called Arbytrage is completely fair.
“Was it unfair when bottles of water were sold for $4 at Woodstock? No. Was it unfair when I bought those football tickets for $200 from a street vendor? No. Was it unfair when I bought that 12-pack of beer at a gas station and then sold it to 15-year olds for over seven times the actual purchase price? No. This is not a free country; it’s a damn expensive one. And we’re simply giving the country what it wants: our delectable meats and cheeses on fresh-baked French breads, with a bountiful supply of our delicious curly fries.”
The trial is expected to take place on Christmas Day. This date was chosen so that trial members would be in peaceful spirits and less likely to bring their own personal “beefs” into the courtroom. More reports to follow.