Anyone here a widow or widower? Care to share your story?

I slept with a friend while my wife had cancer. She (my wife) later killed herself. She had a miserable life- she suffered from various horrible ailments for years before the cancer took her.

I found happiness with my ‘mistress’ and married her shortly after my ex-wife’s sad passing.

This is rather personal, but I will share what she wrote me in a note prior to her death.

"Dear Ted, What has happened to us? I don't know. I feel myself in a spiral, going down down down, into a black hole from which there is no escape, no brightness. And loud in my ears from every side I hear, 'failure, failure, failure...' I love you so much ... I am too old and enmeshed in everything you do and are, that I cannot conceive of life without you ... My going will leave quite a rumor but you can say I was overworked and overwrought. Your reputation with your friends and fans will not be harmed ... Sometimes think of the fun we had all thru the years…”

Heart breaking, all-in-all. Fame and wealth are truly fickle foes…

Widower here. Wife passed away 7 yrs ago after 19 wonderful years of marriage. She died of complications from an autoimmune disease with her last year very difficult in & out of hospitals with the last 4 months of hospice care.

My children & I were devastated by her loss & we suffered major depression. For years, I struggled with depression & wasn't interested in meeting anyone yet. It was daily struggle to focus on my life & to continue with running & exercising.

About 2 yrs ago, I felt it was time to move on & start dating. Wow!...what a surprise - I've been rejected dozens of times by attractive & not so attractive women with occasional offers of "let's just be friends" (blind dates, dating sites, cold approaches, etc).

I'm average looking (probably a "5") with a muscular, stocky physique & decent income, home & ride. But it's seems if you don't have a really handsome face or loaded with $$$, I can't get a GF with today's modern women. Lol. It's brutal out there for an average looking middle-aged stiff like me; hence the user name "middle-aged incel." 😟

When I met wife in the mid-90s she was attractive & a runner, and though I was younger, I was still just average looking - things have changed so much these days with women - they're picky!

Thank you for sharing. Wow. That is beyond tragic... I'm so sorry for you and your wife and everyone who knew her. I'm sure others will judge, but I'm glad you found happiness again.

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that the guy you’re responding to isn’t really Dr. Seuss. 

Not technically a "widower", but my fiance took her own life while we were engaged. First 6 months I was completely numb to it. Never even shed a tear because I was basically in shock the whole time. Took a few days off work, but showed up again a week later and didn't really say a word about it.

The following 6-12 months is when it finally set in. Basically went through the all the classic stages of grief. Blaming myself, blaming others, denying that it happened, trying to find other ways to cope, etc. The main emotion I felt during that time was anger. Anger towards myself. Anger towards her. Anger towards her family who heavily contributed to her mental state. It was miserable and my quality of life greatly suffered and I was a barely functioning adult at the time.

Eventually things got better. I learned to forgive and ultimately that gave me a little bit of peace. That being said there were still many rough days. It's been a few years since then and I'm now very open about my experience, but I'll probably never be the same (which is something I've come to terms with and fully understand).

I know this probably isn't the answer you wanted to hear, but it's my honest experience. I know my fiance would want me to find someone else and start dating again, but I'm still not ready for that yet.

What I can say is that things do get better. I visit her grave once a month to pay my respects, but ultimately I feel at peace. I'm still very close with her family and hope to continue that relationship for as long as I can. I'm blessed to have a solid friend ground that has helped me so much throughout the experience. I also started going to therapy, which I was against at first, but has absolutely been beneficial to me.

Did I deserve to go through this situation? Of course not. But am I strong enough to make it through to the other side? Absolutely.

-Austin

Becasue you don't believe in ghosts, or you don't think they spend their time on the LRC message board?

My wife died two years ago come May. She died of cancer having beaten it once. Since then I've been in a general malaise and acute guilt for being just a lackadaisical husband. My daughter will go to her wedding without a mother, which hurts me. I do work half days and I have a few buddies who I meet for libations, but I drink noticeably more than I used to. Still, time has worked his work, and I go through most of my life in a relatively predictable state of acceptance. The anticipated birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines, etc are painful, but for the most part days just run together.

So much pain, I'm sorry for your loss. Before I lost my wife, I thought that those were just empty words, but I learned that it matters when someone acknowledges the loss.

My wife of 20 years passed Memorial Day 2021. She had had problems with exhaustion for years and had been advised that she did too much, she needed to rest, and it would take 2-3 years to recover. We left a farm, moved to the gulf coast, and were looking forward to many happy years visiting beaches and spending time on the water. She got sick (not COVID) a few weeks before her death and was bed-ridden for two of those weeks. It wasn't until I found her unresponsive and followed the ambulance to the hospital that I learned that she had leukemia. She never regained consciousness and died that night. It was a total shock. I had expected her to outlive me. For several days, I just stumbled through the motions. I'm thankful that we had animals to take care of because that was something that needed to be done every day. Initially it was a pain dealing with the sisters-in-law, but after I found something that they could help with (memorial planning), that smoothed out. Between working remotely, COVID, the recent move, and living a self-contained life without a lot of outside socialization, I found myself extremely isolated. I joined a local running group. That was helpful, but I was injured a few weeks later. I had some good neighbors, but basically only talked to them if we had a chance encounter while I was walking the dogs. My boss at work was great. I think that he lets me ramble during our one-on-one meetings because he knows that I don't have much social outlet. I also used some of the insurance money to buy a kayak/sailboat hybrid. Having a new hobby was helpful even if I thought of her everyt ime I encountered dolphins or something beautiful. Sometimes on walks or when on the water, I would let myself think of her and grieve. I think that allowing your emotions to bubble over is helpful. I still needed people to talk to. After a few months, I turned to dating sites. The first woman that I met has become a good friend. She's a couple hours away and we're agreed that we will never have anything long term, but it is good to have someone to text and talk to regularly and see occasionally. I'm still looking for someone more local who I can hang out with and maybe have a relationship with. Sometimes it is frustrating and depressing and sometimes it is hopeful. I still think of my wife. Usually when I see something beautiful that I would like to share with her. It's not quite so frequent, but my understanding from friends who have lost parents is that it will never completely go away. I sincerely hope not. Everyone grieves and processes emotions differently. I think that I process things more rapidly than most.

The greatest positive was joining a cross fit group a couple of months ago. Getting fitter and stronger is great, but I feel that the socialization has been the greatest benefit to me. I'm also hoping that I might grow more injury resistant so that I can run more consistently.

When I married my wife 21 years ago, I had let myself go a bit physically. With her help, I am now healthy and fit. One of the things that I'm proud of is that I have continued to eat healthy after her death, making my home cooked meals, and eating out less than once per week. I'm fortunate that she had created a website with her recipes to share with friends and family, so it wasn't hard to figure out what to eat or how to make it. I've even created a couple of things on my own.

My marriage wasn't perfect, but things were getting better in our new home. Rather than actively working to expedite the healing, I was content to let us renew our relationship over time. I did not know how much she loved me until her friends shared how she spoke of me to them. I hope that she was more confident in my love for her. So, for those of you still married or in a relationship, remember that your time together may be shorter than you realize.

I am sorry for your pain. I lost my fiancé just over two years ago to alcoholism. I miss her so much and life is not the same without her. alcoholism is the silent killer in this country. She didn’t go out drinking, and I rarely ever saw her drink anything. Times I want to date but feel it is not fair to whoever I meet or myself. So finally recently I transferred my job to a new city now that my son is in college. I know she would want me to move on and be happy but I am just taking life one day at a time. running was a very good outlet but the last few months injuries have got in the way. I appreciate all your stories and prayers to all of you to find peace and happiness

My wife passed away from brain cancer almost 17 years ago. Never knew she had it until it was too late. She had a very demanding corporate job which included international travel. It seemed she was always on the go. In the office by 7am and often not home until 8pm. Anyway, what led up to it was she was having a hard time hearing. Her hearing was gradually getting worse. She even got fitted for hearing aids but didn't like the look of them. Then she was referred to another Dr. that decided to do a scan of her head still looking for something hearing related. What he found was a big tumor. Was referred to an oncologist and did more tests. Then scheduled her a date for surgery. My wife, for all of her corporate thinking, said, "No that won't do, I have a meeting with the people from _____________ scheduled for that day and the day after". The Dr. finally looked at her and said, "You don't understand. You DON'T work anymore. Your job is to get well and in six months if all goes well you will be back working". She then had brain surgery about a week later. They did the surgery but it was too far advanced at that stage. She slipped into a coma a day after that. Then they tried a different procedure where they go up through the nose. It too, was unsuccessful. She was still in a coma but never regained consciousness. She passed away peacefully a few days later only 13 days after first being diagnosed. Our kids were 19 & 17 at the time. She even went for a run the morning of her Dr. appointment where she was informed that she "didn't work anymore". Even the day that she had surgery she had been a picture of good health. You just never know when something like this can come up.

I don't know that you "move on". It's always there. You might change the place you live. The kids grow up. You might have other relationships. I don't think you ever just "move on". It will always be there.

This is not precisely the same, but I have read, in my quest to understand grief, that the two hardest losses are a child or a spouse. Our son passed away in his mid-20s a few years ago. I can tell you a few things from my experience:

1. There is no "getting over it," per se. There is life before, and life after. My wife and I have "come to terms" with life after, and we live productive, mostly happy lives, but I still think about him ever day, and cry a little every damn day.

2. Time shifts during intense grief. I effectively lost a whole year of my life after he passed. We took many weeks off before going back to work, but even that was arguably too soon. I relied heavily of good colleagues to make sure I didn't mess up at work, and I don't know how I managed to not screw up badly or lose the company a client. Also, I have no recollection of any work I "did" during that year. When I look back at any report I signed, it's completely new to me.

3. I think my mental health is probably not up to par. We can both put on a good front, but I don't know I'd get past a psychologist's inspection if I had to.

Things that I found helped:

1. My wife and I managed to come together and support each other, which might be mostly luck. Many couples do not survive the loss of a child and I'm sometimes amazed we did.

2. Grief counselling was very helpful. Immeasurably helpful, maybe. It gave us a safe place to think out loud the things we could do safely otherwise, which was very therapeutic.

3. Most people will not know how to deal with you. Well-meaning people will say dumb things. Try not to be hard on them for it; many of them, your friends and family at least, will be sharing in your grief, although obviously not in the same way.

Loss of a loved on is a horribly $hitty thing, but we all go through it, eventually. All the best to the OP, I hope this is only a hypothetical question for you.

Widower 

very painful. My wife died from glioblastoma and the things I saw were indescribable.

Fortunately and luckily, I'm not a widower, but my father died about six months ago and my Mom can't even imagine she can date anyone else. I guess it's very personal.

A small point, dear ones: a fiancé is male and a fiancée is female.

I am truly sorry for your terrible losses, and appreciate your sharing. I am glad to hear that counseling has helped some.

Seriously? People are sharing the most difficult thing they have experienced and you are correcting spelling.

Get a life.

I am truly sorry for everyone's losses. Reading this has been very powerful. I appreciate everyone sharing their stories.

Man, I'd kill to be a widower.

I am not a widow but recently I lost a close person. He had a terminal illness, entered hospice los angeles and 5 months later he passed away. It was hard but hospice care helped a lot. When you join a hospice program, you can be sure that a team of experts is working with your family to give you the best quality of life possible, just find the best option.