I think I inadvertently messed up my friend's marriage. Would like your take on things.

Gotta keep your names straight if you are going to post a fake story

I don't think you've done any wrong. It sounds like you're just being a friend. It's not your fault that you have a good relationship with your G/F and she notices the difference.

Keep being her friend if you like, but keep your pecker in your pants.

good lord...you can do better than 'Sally' for a fake name.Why are people so bad at telling fake stories?You can tell just from title and the block paragraphs this things weak troll attempt.Do better or don't waste your time.

I liked her better when she was sally. can you tell us again but with sally's name?

You are having an emotional affair with Sally/ Shelly. Don't feel as if you are the good guy, just be happy you haven't acted on your feelings for her. Be a bigger man and let her figure it out. Relationships are difficult, she needs to realize this.

I actually found this story believable. I’m assuming he used a fake name so his runner friends wouldn’t know it’s him if they somehow find this. Fake name, real story. That’s my take. 

You're the OP desperately trying to salvage a weak thread. That's my take.

You said it your self, their marriage is not good or healthy. Not your fault if she stays or leaves. You can still feel for her though.

Cheers

I may have contributed to messing up my good friends marriage. I sometimes talked about women and escorts to his wife and then she probably thought her husband was guilty by association. He was. For what it's worth she came to the strip club with us one time and loved it so much.  He was cheating on her but that was supposed to be a secret, aha. But he seems happy it's over now and has a new woman every other week for a one and done, at least. I told my girls friend to hook up with him and she obliged, delightfully. Hey what can I say I'm a real team player. 

The name is fake. The story is real. Not sure why people think it's a troll post. Not sure why someone would take the time to make up a story like this.

Potential troll post aside:

1) You don't really know what her relationship with her husband is like. You only know what she tells you, and that could be BS.

2) Most people like attention, and she is getting that from you (whether she sees you as a romantic partner or not), so perhaps she embellishes, lies, whatever about her husband. You have no way of knowing unless you live in their house with them, and even then you wouldn't be privy to everything.

3) You also like the attention. You like that she listens to you and tells you stuff. Know that about yourself and work on not needing so much attention.

4) Generally speaking (unless she comes in with a black eye and bruises all over), it's a good idea not to discuss the health of someone's marriage with someone you aren't married to. That's how affairs start. That's how husbands come around and start swinging. So, yeah, you should feel a little bad here. You are being gossipy and engaging in inappropriate discussion with a married woman. There is a remedy. Stop discussing the health of her marriage with her. You do not have to do one more word of that.

I am 100% right about all of the above. Take appropriate action.

1) I know very little. What I do know is quite bad though, WELL outside what is normal or healthy. I've seen enough evidence to know it's not BS.

2) She has actually been very reluctant to share anything and thinks it's embarrassing. She told me she doesn't like to talk about it because if she talks about it, it sounds crazy. She recognizes on some level it's a mess but doesn't want to face that or admit it to herself (my take).

3) I like listening to people, and we are friends. Perhaps there is something "wrong" with me, but I don't think this is simply "I like attention." I actually don't really like attention. I like listening to people.

4) I agree with most of this, and in general, I think marriage is sacred and between husband and wife and that people who don't understand that are foolish. But. There are exceptions like when people are in very bad marriages, they might need to talk to SOMEONE about certain things. It's not like we're having full-blown therapy sessions. There have just been some conversations over the months, and I can tell some wheels have turned in her head, and she's seeing things differently. When I first knew her, she was still trying hard to fake being in a good and happy marriage. Now it's like she is not only not faking it anymore but has no desire to... Seems like she has no desire to emotionally reconnect with her husband at all to be honest, or, she doesn't seem to have any hope that things will resolve and become better. She hasn't explicitly stated this. I can just see it. I feel like I've played some role in this, which is what prompted my starting this thread. Is enlightenment a good thing if it causes your marriage to end? Is it better for people to repress things and not know life could be better if it means keeping a marriage intact when a kid/kids are involved? I don't know.

Love how you proclaim yourself god at the end of your post. You have some good advice at times, but I've been coming to these boards long enough to know you're as fallible as anyone, FP.

1) I will take you at your word that you have seen enough evidence. I didn't say it WAS BS, only that it COULD BE.

2) Your explanation in #2 is the actions of a woman who wants you to feel special...she doesn't WANT to talk about it...it's embarrassing, and yet she DOES talk to you about it. Why does she want you to feel special? Who knows.

3) There is nothing wrong with enjoying listening to others. The problem here is that she is a married woman talking to you about her marriage. Bad form on her part to begin with, and it's not really appropriate for you to engage in that. It's gossip. Gossip is bad. Reject if you wish, but people who engage in gossip are looking for attention...unhealthy attention. SOME people, both men and women, don't want to leave a relationship unless they have something else locked up (especially a parent with a minor child)...this is ONE reason that affairs happen. You do need to know that.

4) You are dead wrong here. You are a heterosexual male...an unmarried one at that. You are absolutely NOT the person she should be sharing details about her bad marriage with. Does she not have a girlfriend? A brother? A sister? A gay male friend? Remember that YOU brought up this subject and YOU were concerned and wondering if you should feel guilty. That means you at least have considered that you should be. Your good sense was tingling. YOU were asking for OUR opinions on this. I gave you mine, and then you want to argue with me about it. I actually didn't even say you should feel "guilty", just that you should "feel a little bad" about it, which I consider less than feeling guilty.

5) I absolutely did not proclaim myself as God. While I have made mistakes in my life, I am absolutely NOT as fallible as anyone. I live a life of high integrity and truth and knowledge seeking that is far beyond the norm. Now, the vast majority of the time I will just give my opinion and not state so strongly that my opinion is absolutely the right thing. I did so here, because my opinion on this is absolutely 100% right. Deep down, you know it. Getting too cozy with a married woman is not appropriate. There's even a phrase for it..."emotional cheating". Both of you are doing that, but it's a bit worse for her since she is married and you are not.

So, I have given you appropriate solid advice, and it is 100% the right thing. Now, if you just want to consider it my opinion only, then fine. You can not argue with me about my opinion. YOU asked for it. YOU got it. I tried to help you. Do with that what you want. I'll leave you with this...do you want to be a step father to a 9-year-old and then have to deal with your new wife's ex-husband? If he's the tool you say he is, he will be a pain in the ass to deal with...shared custody, alimony that isn't paid, saying bad things to the kid about his mother, making your life hell, etc. Now, you may say you aren't interested in her in that way...well, maybe not, maybe so. She may be interested in you in that way, and the closeness groundwork has been laid. Is she playing the long game to rope you in? Who knows? Are you telling me you haven't thought of having sex with her? Do you think an afternoon of sharing and then an after work drink would never lead to that? No need to answer any of these questions to me...just answer them to yourself.

When I was in grad school one of the neighbors had a relationship like this. Every day the man would scream at the wife telling her she’s stupid, and the kids are stupid, and how she’s useless and so on and so forth. She was essentially his slave. If she asked him to help with anything, that was the end of her life. They also had two kids. I was close to calling the police a few times because it sounded like he was about to kill the wife and kids. Anyways, one time he told her she’s not allowed to talk to anyone or have any friends because, I presume, she brought up to him how other married grad school couples with kids have healthy relationships and share responsibilities. He screamed while slamming all the doors that nobody else knows what their marriage is supposed to be so she’s not allowed to talk to anyone about their marriage or have friends. It was the classic she had no skills or education to get a job, so she was stuck in a emotional abusive and probably physically abusive marriage or be homeless. From what I could tell he also alienated her from her family. So she had no place to go. It was an interesting dynamic. Pretty sad situation. It was funny because everyone who moved in downstairs would move out within a month. Because it was constant stomping and doors slamming. I was surprised nobody else called the police. It’s not like the police could do anything. Even if it’s obvious it’s an abusive relationship, they can’t do anything unless the wife says something. And wives in that situation are way too scared to say anything.

Anyways, I tell the story because there’s millions of women in these types of relationships. Some not always as extreme as the neighbors I had, but even less extreme examples aren’t good. Sometimes it seems harder to get out of a terrible relationship or marriage than to just suck it up stay in it, even if you’re being emotionally and physically abused. But the truth is getting out is always better. If there really is a threat to your life by leaving, then find a way to contact a lawyer or police. Sometimes you just gotta pull the rip cord to save your life.

Does your gf know about all this sharing between you and Sally?

T L D R

Pics?

It's interesting. I agree that Flagpole is right in his assertion about their relationship and attention. I agree the dude needs to be careful. But I can play devil's advocate a bit? What's wrong with being close to someone? I guess for the vast majority of hetero people it might lead to an affair. But what if this was a female co-worker writing? Should she feel bad?

Speaking of not knowing what their relationship is like. I think it's always good in life to try to put yourself in the other party's shoes and try to see what they are thinking. "What if you were the husband's confidant? How do you think the husband sees the marriage etc? What would you tell him?"I don't think anyone wants to have a bad marriage or be a bad husband. It's easy for you to have a healthy relationship as you have no stresses. Wait til you have kids. It's got to be really tough to have a kid at 20 when you dont have much money and are trying to jumpstart your career. It seems that parenting is much easier if you have a ton of time and money - something people early in their careers do not have.

I don't think the OP should take the tone of - you guys have been under a lot of pressure and deserve some props for making it 9 years. But your in a rut. You can do this. Go to the husband and say The first 10 years of parenting haven't been perfect but we've made it. Let's try to refresh and make the 2nd half of parenting ideal. Will you go to a therapist with me?

OP. I don't think you should feel bad but I don't think you should take the tone of pushign them to divorce or that this guy isn't good for her.

Rojo,

There is a difference between being close to someone and being a potential partner to someone talking about how the other person's husband is horrible. THAT is where the OP is behaving inappropriately.