Do childless couples regret it when they reach their 50's?

This whole thread is a classic case of “I am not sure about my life decision so I go on a message board full of strangers asking them to offer cases of people who regret making the opposite decision so I feel better about my life”

A person can find happiness either way. I have kids, and the experience has been amazing and I wouldn't change a thing. I did enjoy being single, but I enjoy this stage of my life as well. One can be the rich uncle or aunt or can influence the next generation through coaching, teaching, or mentoring. Each of us should make an effort to have a positive impact on the next generation.

semantic antic wrote:

......but then kids came and took over their lives....

........also compromise your ability to create your own life and affect other important relationships........

Kids are definitely not for everybody and if anybody believes the two statements I picked out of your post I'd say they are not supposed to have kids either. Regardless of what your life was before kids, the moment you do have kids your life becomes about those kids. It's definitely different, it's definitely tough (if done right) but there isn't a single moment I'd want to go back to life without my children. They've given my life meaning, purpose and drive. I live for them.

dad of three wrote:

When our old friends get together and we all have kids except one couple, that couple seems to be lacking something. Sure things were easy for them in their 30's and 40's but now they are missing out. I can't imagine life without my kids.

I have to wonder if they regret their decision.

What they're lacking is being able to converse about kids the way most older couples do.

To each his own. I'm happy my wife and I have kids even if my life is more hectic and financially more difficult. I feel more fulfilled being a parent but I don't want to judge and make assumptions about others.

Never wanted kids before marriage. Never wanted them after marriage. I can't think of a single regret and I'm old enough to have adult grandkids.

On the other hand, I've thought many times, thank goodness I don't have to worry about whatever the current drama is with my friend's kids... and my friends' kids are good kids. I can't imagine what it would be like to have some of the losers I see walking around every day.

Now, for everyone who loves kids, I'm truly happy for you. It's just not my thing.

The only reason I had kids was a desperate attempt to save a crumbling marriage that seemed doomed from the get-go. It worked!

docLorna wrote:

Not one bit.

Amen.

I'm 55, wife is 52, no regrets. In fact whenever we see a couple with kids we just breathe a huge sigh of relief.

umm, nope wrote:

Amelia Boone just wrote a column for Outside all about how she regrets not having kids, even though she doesn't actually regret it, and doesn't even know if he wants kids, and doesn't even think she likes kids, but she wishes it was up to her to decide, even though she's already decided by not having kids.

so yes, I think they all regret it, even if they didn't ever want them.

https://www.outsideonline.com/2423714/amelia-boone-motherhood-essay

I'll have to read the article. But that summary makes no sense. She doesn't want kids and doesn't like kids and still regrets not wanting kids? Sounds like she wants to have everything.

Coroner wrote:

and then you die alone.

For that reason alone, you might want to have a kid.

We all die alone

dad of none wrote:

I am sure some would have loved to have kids. I could have gone either way. But I am so glad I didn't have to deal with school boards or shuttling the kids around to sports practice.

Not to mention the $555000 for all of it until College and beyond.

You may have liked shuttling a kid to sports practice.

highhoppingworm wrote:

live in WA wrote:

We all die alone. The number of kids I know who live hundreds of miles away from their parents is substantial.

This is such an oddly selfish way of looking at procreation. You do understand most people don't have children so that they have people around them when they die. People actually want their children to be successful, independent beings. That is something that brings many parents happiness.

Good post and its what couples without children usually don't understand. Once you have kids you will understand its not about what the kids will do for you. Its not done for the comfort you might need when you are older.

Your love for your kids is selfless. You are happy when they are well settled and happy. This is your source of pleasure.

If you don't have kids that's hard to understand

umm, nope wrote:

semantic antic wrote:

But to be fair, I also have to wonder if maybe a small part of you wishes you didn't have kids, didn't have to make the sacrifices to yourself and your wife. It goes both ways, and this hypothetical could be you projecting your own regrets onto someone else. Who knows?

For any decent parent, the answer to this, and everything you wrote below it is this:

ZERO.

That seems like quite the overreaction. It's an emotionally charged topic, I get it, and we want to justify to ourselves that all the sacrifice we made for kids is worth it. But marriages with real love have been torn apart by kids, that's undeniable. People's dreams have been crushed because of kids. And for some, maybe it's worth it.

But if the strain of children (and let's be honest, it's a big strain and a ton of work if you're trying to be a good parent) causes someone to lose the love of his life, you can't possibly be serious to say that if this bothered him beyond "ZERO," that he's just a bad parent.

Kids aren't everything to everyone, and that's OK. You're not a better person just because you added to the 8 billion person population. If you love it, great. But some people love their spouse and want to make a life with that person, other people have meaningful connections with friends and other family, and others yet want to make a difference in the world through their career. There's more than one way to do it.

Haida Pigskin wrote:

dad of none wrote:

I am sure some would have loved to have kids. I could have gone either way. But I am so glad I didn't have to deal with school boards or shuttling the kids around to sports practice.

Not to mention the $555000 for all of it until College and beyond.

You may have liked shuttling a kid to sports practice.

Yeah, I am finally stepping out of coaching soccer (after five years of coaching rec and three years of coaching competitive). So now when I take them to soccer practice, I run, do pushups and core work while they practice. I am getting in great shape and they are too. There are parts of coaching that were a pain, but there are a lot of plusses to it as well. We made a ton of friends and vacation with some of the families we have met through our kids sports. Youth sports are stressful at times, but overall a great experience for the kids and the adults. Most of the kids in sports turn out to be great adults down the road as well.

umm, nope wrote:

Amelia Boone just wrote a column for Outside all about how she regrets not having kids, even though she doesn't actually regret it, and doesn't even know if he wants kids, and doesn't even think she likes kids, but she wishes it was up to her to decide, even though she's already decided by not having kids.

so yes, I think they all regret it, even if they didn't ever want them.

https://www.outsideonline.com/2423714/amelia-boone-motherhood-essay

Outside Magazine should change their name to Mental Health and focus on that. Every article they seem to publish anymore is some sort of battling depression self help story.

There was a big study on childless adults that concluded that they actually had better social networks than adults with children. They find social groups of other childless adults and spend time together on holidays when people usually are with their kids. They also provide support for each other when someone is sick or needs help with something.

Adults with children tend to form social networks based on their kids' friends and those networks tend to fall apart once the kids get older and move on to new friends, college, adulthood, etc.

Kids come with big sacrifices. You basically spend a solid decade per kid going with them to everything and can only get away every now and then for a "date night". You blow lots of vacation time schlepping your kids from one set of grandparents to the next (and to the next if your parents are divorced).

But there are so many moments with kids that are once in a lifetime. Teaching them to ride a bike. Learning to swim. Going camping. Xmas mornings. Watching them grow up. I am not sure childless people can ever really understand what they have missed.

This is actually a really fair assessment. Too often on these boards people without kids are just portrayed as selfish and people with kids are seen as miserable...probably because people feel the need to justify what they chose.

It's complicated and there are tradeoffs, and both can be rewarding if you are committed to the path you choose and get the most out of it. And someone who didn't choose your path isn't going to understand the value of what you chose.

mr38 wrote:

My longtime girlfriend and I had a few discussions over the last year about whether we should have kids. We're rapidly reaching the age where it won't be possible (and maybe we're already there).

Well we found out yesterday that she has stage IV lung cancer. So she's somewhat thankful she doesn't have to worry about the kids.

That’s tough, best wishes.

Not everyone dies alone. My brothers sacrificed jobs and were with my mom for months and I for weeks as cancer took it's toll. She was vary grateful we were there. We should all be so fortunate to have kids that care so much.