Guest Column on Alexi Pappas' Memoir Bravey: How Bravey Could Have Been Braver

One of the best things about managing LetsRun is when we get unsolicited submissions for guest articles. They almost always represent something that the author is passionate about but is having trouble finding a voice for. While I don't agree with some of what Kate wrote, it's nice to be able to give her a voice.

I feel much about this piece the way Kate feels about Pappas' book. I consider myself to be on Kate's team and admire her intentions but am "troubled by some of the language present."

I mainly feel like the "death by suicide" take is just flat out wrong and potentially very dangerous itself. Yes, suicide is often the result mental illness. Yes, after it happens, there is no point to shame the deceased. But the reality is it takes a self-inflicted act to die by suicide. I feel like the more graphic we can be in acknowledging this, the more likely we are to reduce suicide.

As someone with no female siblings who went to an all-boys high school, I decided to share this piece with my feminist mentor, my friend whom I often talk about on the podcast, the one who at one point used to help write speeches for Hilary Clinton, to see what she thought.  When I showed her this piece, she admitted that she is "totally un PC about suicide" and wrote that she already tells her 4 kids - all of whom aren't even 10 yet - that it's "almost always a shameful thing to do unless you're going to die a certain painful death. People glorify suicide and I have zero doubt that people do it more than they would if it wasn't so socially acceptable."

I 100% agree.

When I showed this piece to the rest of the LetsRun staff, they couldn't believe that anyone would feel they have the right to criticize someone for "incorrectly" writing about something as personal as their own mother's suicide.

As for the rest of the piece, I think it's important that sex and women's bodies be talked about in a more empowering way for women. However, what good does it serve to have a woke police making sure we are doing everything in the proper intellectual way? Does it really matter if we say vagina or vulva? Miniscule criticisms like that may intimidate a teenage girl from even talking or writing about this stuff as they may feel they may get on the wrong side of the PC police.

However, I don't have to agree with everything we publish. Debate is good for society if we do it sincerely. As Kate concludes, we all can do better and that's what moving forward and being Brave means.

You and your so-called "feminist mentor" are missing something. It seems you both could stand to learn a LOT about psychology and mental illness.

Also, you meant "platform" or "amplification," not "voice." Kudos to you for this gesture, but I won't be reading either.

If you and your pal ARE interested in updating your understanding, learning from Mark Goulston is a good place to start:

https://markgoulston.com/design-thinking-suicide-prevention/

I am about 2/3 of the way through this. I'm listening to the audiobook, which is read by Pappas.

I caught the vagina vs. vulva thing. It's a personal pet peeve of mine how few women know the difference. But I'm not sure I'd be moved to write an article critiquing the book based on this. It's sort of immaterial to the point Pappas is making.

I don't take issue with saying "killed herself" versus "died by suicide" at all. However, so far, I tend to disagree with some of Alexi's assessments of her mom's struggles. For example, I just finished a section where Alexi said her mom died because she was trying to be a perfect mom instead of just focusing on what she was doing right, or something like that. For someone who supposedly went through months of severe depression (Alexi), I find this perspective incredibly naïve and off-base. We don't know why Alexi's mom killed herself, but the fact that she attempted to saw off her arm suggests to me that it was a bit more than frustration with not being the perfect mom.

In general, after getting about halfway through this, I had to look up how old Alexi is, and she is quite young - only about 30. She's an excellent writer, but she's also immature in terms of experience. The book talks a lot about parenting and even marriage but is written from the perspective of a child or young adult. I suspect Alexi's perspective will change greatly as she ages and if/when she has her own children.

So far, I like the book much better than Tracktown. But I appreciate Tracktown more having read the book.

As Robert has pointed out, this discussion extends far beyond Pappas's book. I feel strongly that we should use the phrase "death by suicide" rather than "commit suicide" or "kill oneself" precisely because of what Robert himself has identified in talking to his friend: there is still so much shame around suicide, and, adjacently, mental illness. Robert's friend teaches her children, not yet 10, that death by suicide is shameful. But shame is not a helpful emotion. June Tangney, among other psychologists, has studied shame for decades, and explains that "Feelings of shame can be painful and debilitating, affecting one’s core sense of self, and may invoke a self-defeating cycle of negative affect." Shame does not motivate change, and is in fact linked to depression and anxiety, among other psychological disorders.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3106346/

By and large, people who die by suicide are suffering from serious mental illness. Death by suicide often occurs when people are not thinking clearly, their minds literally clouded by their illness. When they die, they lost the battle against their disease in that moment. The words "kill" and "commit," however, invoke the language of agentive, criminal offenses. Robert says, "One doesn't die by suicide in the same way they do cancer. I feel like the more graphic we can be in acknowledging this, the more likely we are to reduce suicide." But in fact, people die by suicide much in the way they die by cancer: disease won. Perhaps with better treatment or a different intervention, their lives could have been saved, but being "more graphic" about suicide actually only serves to increase rather than decrease rates of suicide, as the evidence clearly shows.

https://www.bmj.com/company/newsroom/media-reports-of-celebrity-suicide-linked-to-increased-suicide-rates/

I would not dare to tell Alexi Pappas how to process her mother's death, and I make this clear in my original essay. But by publishing a book that outlines, often in graphic detail, episodes of her mother's self harm, she has made choices about how she talks about and frames mental illness. Using certain language and detailing specific events do matter to the people who will read this book.

As for the language around women's genitalia, the distinction matters. The vagina is the internal canal that connects the vaginal opening to the cervix, while the vulva contains all the external genitalia, including the clitoris. While the vagina is central to male pleasure in penetrative sex, the vulva is central to female pleasure. By not giving name to it, we erase women's sexual autonomy

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/feb/12/external-female-genitalia-vulva-vagina-sexual-agency

The linguistic distinction between vagina and vulva should be made clear in the sex education our children receive, so that they don't have to wait to hear from me or Alexi Pappas to figure out what their own body parts are called. There is power in naming the parts of ourselves and understanding their function. Our performance and understanding of ourselves as athletes is evidence of that.

I am not here to be the "woke police." I don't make these arguments to intimidate anyone and certainly not to shame anyone. But I believe that language matters. Words are not neutral; they have tremendous power. Pappas herself has shown how poetry can inspire a movement, offering a generation of young women the word Bravey to name and identify themselves. I hope that we can give these young readers additional tools of language to promote health, empowerment, pleasure, happiness, and growth. We should not shy away from this goal for fear of intimidating people who use the "wrong" word; in fact, that is just an opportunity to learn.

This is the worst book review I've ever read. Imagine writing a book review that zeroes in on one PHRASE (which is accurate) and one WORD and writing a book review out that.

I'm shocked that Letsrun posted this tripe.

LRC response. It's not a standard book review. It's an opinion piece that uses her book to make key points.

Also, not related to Raphael's review, but Pappas states in the book that she decided to run for Greece because of her desire to inspire young girls in that country. She notes a lack of female track athletes.

She does not at any point (so far) acknowledge that she might not have made the US Olympic team, nor that it might be easier to make the Greek Olympic team, or that this might have been a factor in any way. She makes a very big deal about being an Olympian throughout the book, and it IS a great achievement - running the qualifying time for the 10K is not a small thing. But for me it's far less of an achievement to run for a country that you happen to have dual citizenship for than to make the US team.

I found this whole bit in the book rather disingenuous.

Did ya'll promote the book on the front page at all or only this critique? If it's the latter, that's disappointing but not surprising.

LRC reply: Yes. We promoted the book at the top of the home page as shown here:

https://www.letsrun.com/archive/2021/01/15/

If someone is murdered by someone with a mental illness (which is frequently the case), remember not to say "that person was killed." That's very insensitive. Instead, you should be saying "he died from mental illness."

reviews that pore over scientifically correct anatomical word choices as if they determine the quality of a memoir about a runner and moviemaker/actor (not a scientist)...are missing the point.

the reviewer is at least on track thematically with her criticism of the description of suicide. But the text of Bravey makes it pretty clear that Alexi thinks her mom chose to leave young Alexi, and that hurt. In other words, Alexi thinks her mom did an act of agency, and was not entirely a passive victim. So that goes against the reviewer's argument.

Although there is a lot of ambiguity, as there should be for discussions of mental illness.

I'd argue that Pappas is much more comfortable with ambiguity and messiness in life than is the reviewer. Therefore I'd argue that the reviewer failed the text by placing her own grid of belief onto a memoir written by someone else. That makes the review more about the reviewer than it is about the book or Pappas.

FightFor15 wrote:

Did ya'll promote the book on the front page at all or only this critique? If it's the latter, that's disappointing but not surprising.

Agreed, though there's slim chance of Pappas ever granting an interview to this site and the JoBros probably don't care.

The review can be summed up as: the language is not PC enough and does not encourage sexual promiscuity enough.

I am deeply disturbed in the trend that women feel the need to have sex with many guys in college. Extremely destructive behavior especially when you have not fully consented and feel pressured. The blame is not college, but in parenting and the entertainment industry for encouraging rampant sexual promiscuity, and college is just the first time away from parental support. Very important lesson for young women. Take control of your life! Choose your actions and empower yourself, don't let others control you.

Technically you're correct re: vulva and vagina, but vagina is colloquially used to refer to both the vagina and vulva. I haven't read the book, but i assume it isn't a medical text, and I don't think people be confused by that passage. would you prefer a more vulgar term?

Pappas, or any memoir writer, owes nothing to any broader cause. The duty of the memoir writer is to give an honest account of his or her personal experience.

Therefore criticizing the memoir for doing a disservice to women and girls or those with mental illnesses is an unfair criticism because that is not the purpose of a memoir.

suicide (n.)

"deliberate killing of oneself," 1650s, from Modern Latin suicidium "suicide," from Latin sui "of oneself" (genitive of se "self"), from PIE *s(u)w-o- "one's own," from root *s(w)e- (see idiom) + -cidium "a killing," from caedere "to slay" (from PIE root *kae-id- "to strike").

Why is it okay for someone to project their personal views onto Alexi Pappas? This is a memoir right? Pappas is simply telling her story as she has experienced it.

1) Pappas' choice of words to describe her mother's suicide is important in understanding who she is. She acknowledges that her mother was a victim of a terrible disease, but she doesn't shy away from the feelings she has regarding this moment. There are repercussions for the people closest to suicide victims. They should be allowed the space to grieve and heal from that event.

2) While accepting the importance of a woman to understand her own sexual identity and desires, understanding that virginity is important to a great many people should not be dismissed. Pappas isn't shaming any women for how they view sex, but simply sharing that to her virginity was important and her initial sexual encounters as she defined them weren't what she would choose for herself now.

3) I do not have a strong objection here to the larger point. But again this is a memoir and at this moment in her life, Pappas likely doesn't know the distinction between these terms either if at all. This was an impactful moment for her and crucial in the woman she has become. She described it in an accessible way that is appropriate for the moment in time.

This opinion piece stands up for certain underrepresented groups, but ignores the identity of the author. We shouldn't dismiss the individuality Pappas displays here. Her flaws both explicit and implicit are what make her human and what makes the book a compelling read.

I struggled to get through Kate Raphael's review/opinion, honestly. The main reason, though, is that there is something about narrowing in on and criticizing the way that someone speaks about losing a loved that makes me feel uncomfortable. As the above quote says, a memoir is to give an honest account of personal experience. Harping on this aspect of book just seems a bit much to me. If Alexi wants to speak of her mother's suicide in this way, I don't really think that deserves criticism. I may be in the minority I dont think it is Alexi's responsibility to be "PC" when speaking about her experience with her mother. Now if you want to criticize the book for being boring/poorly written/overly verbose/trite/unrelatable, etc, I think that is fair. Full disclosure- I have not read the book so I don't know if it is any of those things; just giving an example.

kateraphael wrote:

I would not dare to tell Alexi Pappas how to process her mother's death, and I make this clear in my original essay..... she has made choices about how she talks about and frames mental illness.

I don't think you do. You make it clear that she should process her mother's death on the terms you lay out. Pappas' understanding of her mother's illness may be misguided and potentially harmful, though I think you overstate the impact, but this is a person who has been through a tremendous amount of pain related to this illness and its effects.

Again as a memoir, it is important for her to use the terms she herself uses. It is all part of the color of her life. Rewriting the story out of her voice as you would like her to do is removing crucial details to understanding who she is. In favor of a more inclusive book you are erasing little bits of Alexi form the book. It would be a shame to allow that to happen.

Apparently they did promote it which is a step forward at least. As for this guest piece, a lot of what's in there is valid but it feels disingenuous to promote that on a site that embraces the controversial in the name of clicks/views (& claims ignorance/free speech when things get nasty). The brojos feed into threads all the time about liberals wanting people to use the correct labels and now promote the same rhetoric here just to drive some traffic their way. Choose a lane. Are labels good or bad or just when they fit your needs?

I've done some work with AFSP so I'm aware of the "die by suicide" language & why it's important to use. If it makes sense to offer that framing to someone in conversation then I might think about it but usually these topics come up for a reason -- i.e. someone has someone they know who has died by suicide and they're trying to process it. I'm not about to tell Pappas in a public forum on a heavily male website where she receives a lot of hate that she needs to use different language to process what she went through and is going through. Most reviews of the book have been very positive by well respected people in the running community.

This is not the right forum or context for this sort of a public shaming. Pappas is directly impacted by this topic and opened up about her experience with this kind of trauma. Do you think that might help some people dealing with similar things? These boards are particularly vile towards her. That is well known. While the Brojos say they want to help educate on this topic, they know plenty of men will click through because they hate Pappas for reasons they can't adequately explain. It doesn't feel right to use a right leaning platform that is often terrible towards women to critique a book by a pro female runner.

How many critiques have been shared on here about other books by pro runners? I can't think of any. It's bad taste to wedge a real issue because the author of a book is someone that riles up a male audience. That choice was intentional. Look for clicks/views in other places.

Mahavishnu1500 wrote:

The review can be summed up as: the language is not PC enough and does not encourage sexual promiscuity enough.

I am deeply disturbed in the trend that women feel the need to have sex with many guys in college. Extremely destructive behavior especially when you have not fully consented and feel pressured. The blame is not college, but in parenting and the entertainment industry for encouraging rampant sexual promiscuity, and college is just the first time away from parental support. Very important lesson for young women. Take control of your life! Choose your actions and empower yourself, don't let others control you.

Now do men.