Post-nuptial shutoff?

Thanks Dr. R - I will suggest it to him, although I fear he is getting sick of my "suggestions."

To the poster who noted the difference between making love and sex - I think that is a good point and has a lot to do with maturity. I think my husband thinks about sex as raw passion, and when we do have it, it is always like that. He is just not turned on by the prospect of "making love". The trouble is raw passion fades over time and many women want a man to make love to them in a kind, gentle and caring way - at least some of the time. That starts way before the bedroom as many posters have said. In terms of my situation, I am worried that love and sex/making love go hand in hand, so as the sex fades so will the love.

It just seems callous to leave a man b/c of sex, and there is no way I could do the sex on the side thing.

They do want the same quantity though, you simply need to understand this. It doesn't matter whether I am married yet or not, but women love sex. They are probably losing their sex drive because over the course of living together for that long, the mystery and sexiness of their partner lessens. It doesn't need to be this way.

And while you might know about vibrators and such, I am more than willing to bet the less than a quarter of the guys here have ventured out and purchased something of that variety to spice up the sex life a little. I can't imagine how boring sex with the same woman would be after 20 years, regardless of how good she is in bed. We would eventually need to try something to spice it up, and if many of the couples here are stuck on plain vanilla sex, try something new, just go for it.

And aneconomist, don't talk down to me here either (bub?). There have been some sob stories here and I am sincerely doubt that many of the guys have done more than bitch, moan, and beg. Simply picking up some of your girl's chores won't do it. Make her want you. Think about before you were married, would she want to f*** simply because you acted like you cared and did her laundry? No.

not my usual screen name wrote:

no names here either wrote:

Married nearly 20 years.

She has gained over 100 pounds since we got married,

It's amazing you can still get your plumbing to work with her.

I made it clear to my wife that she was never going to have to f**k a fat guy, and I'm never going to f**k a fat woman. So much of sex is physical attraction ... there's no way I could do that with a fattie, no matter how much I used to love her. And yes, as important as being fit is to me, if she let herself go like that I would lose all respect for her, and that'd be the end for us.

What about when your wife was pregnant? Right after the baby? Were your grossed out?

My husband and I have an excellent sex life, and a part of that is him making me feel beautiful even when I was huge during/after pregnancy. It only took a couple of months for me to get back to normal weight after having a baby, but he always makes me feel attractive, and that is very very important. If he felt differently, then I'm sure our sex life wouldn't be as great as it is.

The first six months of my marriage were long distance. It was like three times per weekend. Then we finally got to move in together....now once makes a good month, and has for over three years. I should find a job 200 miles away and visit on the weekends. Gah.

I would run myself to exhaustion but I'm on hold pending an injury diagnosis. sigh.

I would have agreed with everything you have said before i was married. After being married for many years it can become very tricky to keep that fire. I would have never guessed that to be the case until i lived the married life for several years. Killer sex is tough to come by no matter how hard most couples try after 10 or 20 years together.

married ~ 20, and things can only get better from here on..brawn: I sometimes think that the playfulness you allude to is what got me in trouble to begin with. She has deep-rooted inhibitions... fun for a few years, but it's a killer in the long run. Religion anybody?

Ernie from accounting wrote:

I would have agreed with everything you have said before i was married. After being married for many years it can become very tricky to keep that fire. I would have never guessed that to be the case until i lived the married life for several years. Killer sex is tough to come by no matter how hard most couples try after 10 or 20 years together.

I think the posts on here show that many folks don't get bored of their partners. The problem is more mis-matched sex drives.

Some people ARE emotionally self-sufficient, have interests

(or careers) that absorb them, and are content to be solo.

I don't know if that element has been addressed in this thread.

Gonna have to agree with you 100% anEconomist. Man, someone's going to accuse us of being the same person. You're very right that we didn't say anything about women not enjoying it at all. Trust me, all the women who have been with The Flagpole have enjoyed it tremendously. Recent studies say that an orgasm for women is ten times more intense than it is for men! Doesn't mean they want it as much. And again, you and I were speaking in generalities. Of course there are some men who want it less and some women who want it more than the norm.You're also correct that married men don't get anything from a lecture about women and sex from a non-married guy. Kind of like getting directions on how to drive my car from an Amish dude.Nice posts from you in this thread brother!

anEconomist wrote:

agree with your first paragraph fine

now, no flagpole is right... when did we ever say that women can't enjoy a sexual encounter... we didn't say that at all

they generally don't want the same quantity as men and further anyone can have fun sex in the opening stages of a relationship it is all new

and there isn't a single woman i have been with who will deny liking sex, they will admit it can be fun... that still doesn't mean a high sex drive

finally, bub, i'm sure i speak for fw too, we are men of the 21st century, we know the new tricks, we know about vibrators, we especially know the buttons to click for our wives that has nothing to do with it

so please don't come on here and lecture ok... talk to us after you are married

[quote]brawn wrote:

quote]

well, I developed a strong interest in asian women after the end of my 18 yr marriage to a loud, world-owes-me-a-living, lazy, caucasian.

It is no coincidence that often women raised in other countries are grateful for what they have, more appreciative, more polite, less demanding, than spoiled people raised in the USA.

So the second time around I met the love of my life who has been in the USA since she was 12. A beautiful Thai woman, inside and out. We are raising our 5 year old fulong-dong (white-thai mix).

Happy trails.

I don't understand how he can get sick of your suggestions- the sex is obviously very important to you, and if you two are as close as you allege, then he should not give up on trying to find a solution to the dilemna. If he says something like "this is me, take it or leave it," then I'd say it's time for a new man... that kind of ultimatum is totally selfish (and I find it hard to believe that a hetero man, even with low sex drive, would ever completely give up on sex- it just doesn't add up). Good luck.

A Woman Here,

I'm in agreement with what you're getting at, but there is one distinction that needs to be made. Pregnant women are not "fat". Pregnant women are just big, and any of them who watch their diet and exercise post birth return to their former levels...maybe with some stretch marks, but pregnancy never made anyone fat. The woman who has gained 100 pounds has done that due to eating too much and exercising too little. I can see how that could be a turnoff for some men. For me, if my thin wife ever gained 100 pounds I'd be concerned for her health and perhaps mad that she didn't take care of herself a bit better (I would find that selfish), but I'd still love her and likely still be attracted to her as she has many qualities that attract me to her.

coming out wrote:

[quote]Jizzmo wrote:

[quote]sexlessrunningchica wrote:

Is he a closeted homo?

My first thought was that he might have something going on the side (not necessarily a homo thing). Haven't read every single post on this thread (although I've been through most of them), but is that a possibility?

This thread sure has legs. It's like a support group for married (and formerly married) guys.

This whole thread should be moved to

www.marriagebuilders.com

.

Under the emotional needs section you will find tons of threads about people, mostly but not exclusively men, who don't get enough sex and what others think can be done about it from a marriagebuilders perspective.

OldXCguy wrote:

coming out wrote:

[quote]Jizzmo wrote:

[quote]sexlessrunningchica wrote:

Is he a closeted homo?

My first thought was that he might have something going on the side (not necessarily a homo thing). Haven't read every single post on this thread (although I've been through most of them), but is that a possibility?

This thread sure has legs. It's like a support group for married (and formerly married) guys.

I really don't think that's possible - we are together all the time when not at work, but you never know. He once admitted that he was thinking about faking an affair in order to force me to move on, but he couldn't bring himself to hurt me that much. Now he just says that he understands if I leave but he wants me to stay, but he kind of feels we've tried everything and nothing works - so this is how it's going to be for life (hence the tired of my suggestions comments).

Man, I can't believe that all you guys are pretty much agreeing with each other, but I am the only female in this situation. It's worse than I thought :-(

So, to sum up: you'd be better off (sexually) with just about any other guy. And he'd be better off with just about any other woman. I think the handwriting is on the wall...

sexlessrunningchica wrote:

I really don't think that's possible - we are together all the time when not at work,

Maybe that's the problem. You're together way too much.

Alex de Large wrote:

So, to sum up: you'd be better off (sexually) with just about any other guy. And he'd be better off with just about any other woman. I think the handwriting is on the wall...

One small thing - the being in madly in love part - it's not that easy.

This thread is so depressing:

If your a guy it's normal so if you love your wife get used to it, otherwise move on fall in love with someone else who will grow tired of you in a few yews anyway.

If your a girl you are married to a homosexual or he's having an affair.

I need to go for a long run!

Married 15 years, wife still hot after 3 kids, frequent crazy sex (except 3-4 months postpartum).

I was married once before and the sex turned bad after a few years and divorce followed by year 4, ultimately it was just bad chemistry, physical and psychological.