I'm 38 with 2 kids (2 and 4). Is life just hard right now or is it me?

hank jr wrote:

Jeff Albertson wrote:

I'm 36 with 3 kids (9, 7, 4). It's incredibly hard. Has been for basically the last 7 years since the second one arrived. Honestly just kinda running out the clock until death at this point. Not complaining, but it will be a relief when the lights finally go out for good on me.

This whole thread hits me hard today. 3 young kids here(one still in diapers), wife and I both work full time with stressful jobs.

Not looking forward to death, but retirement sounds great lately. I have never been this tired in my entire life. Stress levels are at an all time high.

Life is a god d*mn grind 99% of the time. Its an endless cycle of working to provide for your family and spending all your money on your family so they can have a nice life. Fill in whatever free time you have left (typically none) doing chores or driving around. Repeat, day after day after day after day. Its hard to devote any time at all to outside hobbies/yourself. I think we are all basically just trying to keep the ship moving forward at this point, hoping for some relief eventually.

No advice to give, just here to commiserate.

I am Sam wrote:

89 steps wrote:

Two people can handle two kids. Don't go up to three kids, like we did, it throws a wrench into everything, because then when they start having appointments and concerts and games, you can't have two people in three places at once.

I have a 38 yo couple in extended family, just in normal jobs and they have 4 kids ranging 8 to 16, and 7 yrs ago also adopted two girls (from sister) at 1 and 3 at the time, so now they have six at 8, 8, 10,10, 13, 16. All of them do sport. And all at rep level. And not the same sports either. The eldest (on an academic and sports scholarship at school) is in the academy of one of the national AFL teams. They only have one set of grandparents for assistance. But there's more. They have two neices occupying the granny flat (21 and 19) working and saving money

Asking him how they not only manage, but have time for others (they help me at my events for example), and he just says 'prioritise'.

Happiest and most ambitious people I know (he already has besides their big placve in a good area, two other investment properties

Another Lady wrote:

This has been an interesting thread- thanks for posting, OP! I’m 37 year old mom with a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a 2 month old with a special medical condition. So we are totally in the throes of it over here too. I’m home with the kiddos and my husband is at work 8:30-6ish. It is tough sometimes to keep my patience with the older two when I’m up all night with the (smallest) baby but other than that, I’m ok. Sleep deprivation turns off all kinds of self-regulation for me but once my babies start sleeping, everything looks rosier.

I will say the thing that helps me survive this time best is my husband keeping things light. There is no way around this situation being pretty challenging, but when we can both find humor where possible even if all three are crying or whining or up too early, it feels infinitely easier if we can joke with each other through all of that. He does a ton of chores and helps out as much as possible with the kids, but it’s the humor and calm I need most for my sanity.

I do not think I’d be better off without kids, just very different. But I think my husband, as much as he adores our kids, would find his quality of life much improved without them. It’s not something I think about much either, though. I also think maybe it’s easier for moms to bond strongly with young children so maybe the bonding lightens the load for fathers as the kids grow? My dad has consistently been the person I’ve sought life advice from for the last 25 years, but our relationship kind of grew out of him helping me learn how to be a better runner when I discovered I liked running as a kid. I’m sure the first decade of my life, I mostly went to my mom with stuff.

There is something so human and real and beautiful about laboring and loving other humans who can’t really give much back. For most, that human experience comes via parenting. Others find ways to do that in their life’s work, and some saints manage to do both.

philosophy major major wrote:

44 year old with three boys ages 12, 10 and 4. Those early years were absolutely the most difficult and lonely. With my wife and I were both working high pressure jobs (attorney/public school teacher in Chicago) and being far away from our families and social supports and the demands at home of being "on" with the kids really weighed us down. The winters were the worst. You feel forgotten by the whole world.

But as so many have mentioned, around the time both of the older kids started school, things got so much better. Not only were the kids more independent, but we just got better at parenting. Knowing when and how to invest time in your kids and when and how to step back and let them play was key. When our third was born we were lucky enough to be able to go down to a single income. And with childcare closed up for the first year of the pandemic, I got spend every day with my youngest. It wasn't always fun, but what they heck else did I have to do? I was no longer working, so that stress was gone. We would take long walks, learn our letter, wander the malls and shopping centers, he'd even do yoga with me in the living room. I'm so much closer to my four year old than my other kids who literally had to endure their stressed out parents during those tighter and leaner years. I feel bad they didn't get the best or most attentive dad during those days because of the pull from everything else, but I'm trying my best to make up for it now by giving them my undivided attention after school and on weekends. My oldest loves going movies, so we hit the theaters once maybe twice a month on Saturday mornings, just him and me and then we go to Five Guys and discuss. I'm really hoping he will want to continue this even as he pulls away in the teen years. The middle kid loves soccer and climbing. I make every single game a priority. And he's old enough now to boulder so we go on Monday nights, just him and me. The four year old still gets most of my time, but I've taught him to ride a bike and to swim this year which is so much cooler than playing Paw Patrol (again). Being a parent in the US is terribly hard especially if you lack a local support system. We did our best to stay in the moment and be excited about the things our kid was excited about. Now we see that our kids are actually pretty cool people, not just needy little life-suckers.

Things that got us through...

My wife and I agreed that no matter how rotten the day was, when one of us walked through the door we would be excited to see the other and to welcome them home. And do you know what? Now all three of my kids light up when someone in our family comes in. It's so stupid and over the top, but I get so excited about coming home from my run or the supermarket now.

Hiring a cleaner to come once or twice a month. We were able to maintain a satisfactory level of sanitation with a vacuum and a thing of Windex, but never had time or patience to do the deep cleaning around the house. Outsourcing that was worth it.

Packing a small shoe box with Legos (just the bricks, not the figures or sets because the kids fight over them) and keeping it in the car. When we'd go to a restaurant or had to wait in line somewhere, we brought the Lego bin with us. The kids would sit and build and let my wife and I breathe and talk and even enjoy the meal.

Along with this, making a kid and grownup friendly car playlist. Even now, all three boys add music to it and it makes the traffic so much more enjoyable to hear both a preteen and a four year old singing Coldplay or Imagine Dragons in the back seat.

Paying for private swim lessons on Saturday mornings when the kids were young. Not only did we not have to worry about pool safety from age 3 on, but we usually got them to take a nap in the afternoon because they were exhausted.

As far as running goes, sure I slowed down and lost fitness after becoming a dad, but last year I ran a 5 flat mile and 17 flat 5k and 1:19 half in some little local races and had the best freakin' cheering section I've ever had. Try not to just endure the time, do what you can to find enjoyment in it. And when you're in it and feeling low and lost, cut yourself some slack. Take some time for yourself, even if it's just to take a walk. I promise you that your kids don't want you to be unhappy even if they are needy and whiny and sick all the time right now. They just want you to be delighted by them at this age.

Trollminator wrote:

I am Sam wrote:

I have a 38 yo couple in extended family, just in normal jobs and they have 4 kids ranging 8 to 16, and 7 yrs ago also adopted two girls (from sister) at 1 and 3 at the time, so now they have six at 8, 8, 10,10, 13, 16. All of them do sport. And all at rep level. And not the same sports either. The eldest (on an academic and sports scholarship at school) is in the academy of one of the national AFL teams. They only have one set of grandparents for assistance. But there's more. They have two neices occupying the granny flat (21 and 19) working and saving money

Asking him how they not only manage, but have time for others (they help me at my events for example), and he just says 'prioritise'.

Happiest and most ambitious people I know (he already has besides their big placve in a good area, two other investment properties

4 kids is asking for trouble, def marginal returns after 2. Even if you are patient and responsible people who have money, if you get unlucky with one or two of them (e.g. chronic illness, difficult personalities) you are stuck in a very long pain chamber session. I could not imagine having a third like my younger one, we would be seriously fvcked. Also, it can be deceiving when seeing other parents that seem to be doing great. I've seen a few great couples unravel in the midst of raising kids.

philosophy major major wrote:

44 year old with three boys ages 12, 10 and 4. Those early years were absolutely the most difficult and lonely. With my wife and I were both working high pressure jobs (attorney/public school teacher in Chicago) and being far away from our families and social supports and the demands at home of being "on" with the kids really weighed us down. The winters were the worst. You feel forgotten by the whole world.

But as so many have mentioned, around the time both of the older kids started school, things got so much better. Not only were the kids more independent, but we just got better at parenting. Knowing when and how to invest time in your kids and when and how to step back and let them play was key. When our third was born we were lucky enough to be able to go down to a single income. And with childcare closed up for the first year of the pandemic, I got spend every day with my youngest. It wasn't always fun, but what they heck else did I have to do? I was no longer working, so that stress was gone. We would take long walks, learn our letter, wander the malls and shopping centers, he'd even do yoga with me in the living room. I'm so much closer to my four year old than my other kids who literally had to endure their stressed out parents during those tighter and leaner years. I feel bad they didn't get the best or most attentive dad during those days because of the pull from everything else, but I'm trying my best to make up for it now by giving them my undivided attention after school and on weekends. My oldest loves going movies, so we hit the theaters once maybe twice a month on Saturday mornings, just him and me and then we go to Five Guys and discuss. I'm really hoping he will want to continue this even as he pulls away in the teen years. The middle kid loves soccer and climbing. I make every single game a priority. And he's old enough now to boulder so we go on Monday nights, just him and me. The four year old still gets most of my time, but I've taught him to ride a bike and to swim this year which is so much cooler than playing Paw Patrol (again). Being a parent in the US is terribly hard especially if you lack a local support system. We did our best to stay in the moment and be excited about the things our kid was excited about. Now we see that our kids are actually pretty cool people, not just needy little life-suckers.

Things that got us through...

My wife and I agreed that no matter how rotten the day was, when one of us walked through the door we would be excited to see the other and to welcome them home. And do you know what? Now all three of my kids light up when someone in our family comes in. It's so stupid and over the top, but I get so excited about coming home from my run or the supermarket now.

Hiring a cleaner to come once or twice a month. We were able to maintain a satisfactory level of sanitation with a vacuum and a thing of Windex, but never had time or patience to do the deep cleaning around the house. Outsourcing that was worth it.

Packing a small shoe box with Legos (just the bricks, not the figures or sets because the kids fight over them) and keeping it in the car. When we'd go to a restaurant or had to wait in line somewhere, we brought the Lego bin with us. The kids would sit and build and let my wife and I breathe and talk and even enjoy the meal.

Along with this, making a kid and grownup friendly car playlist. Even now, all three boys add music to it and it makes the traffic so much more enjoyable to hear both a preteen and a four year old singing Coldplay or Imagine Dragons in the back seat.

Paying for private swim lessons on Saturday mornings when the kids were young. Not only did we not have to worry about pool safety from age 3 on, but we usually got them to take a nap in the afternoon because they were exhausted.

As far as running goes, sure I slowed down and lost fitness after becoming a dad, but last year I ran a 5 flat mile and 17 flat 5k and 1:19 half in some little local races and had the best freakin' cheering section I've ever had. Try not to just endure the time, do what you can to find enjoyment in it. And when you're in it and feeling low and lost, cut yourself some slack. Take some time for yourself, even if it's just to take a walk. I promise you that your kids don't want you to be unhappy even if they are needy and whiny and sick all the time right now. They just want you to be delighted by them at this age.