Epidemic of attractive 30-somethings getting cheated on by their husbands

Pornosopher wrote:

puritans abound! wrote:

So you worry that if you started watching more porn you wouldn't want to have sex with a actual women anymore and the species would die out? Or that maybe you'd never leave your room? What exactly is the danger?

Maybe you should ask your mom to set a computer-time limit for you.

I'm thinking about it on a more macro level. I don't have a specific "danger" that I am referring to, which I thoght I made clear.

With regard to the food... I am not talking about food in pill form. I am talking about a pill that negated the need for food. You'd never be hungry again. It might not be an issue for one person, but loose it on the general population and I would imagine that it would change things. Would people be as inclined to work if they didn't have to feed their families? Maybe it would be good, who knows. My point is that it would change things as we know it.

I am not anti porn. I guess I am more anti the overabundance and casual usage of porn. I have no issue with a guy jerking off to a porn mag or a porn video, but when it becomes the norm, it could negatively affect society. The key word is "could."

Personally, since you have asked, I like my sex life and I kind of pity buddies of mine who jerk off to porn all the time. I look at it this way: There is nothing better than a beer and a burger after a long run. The beer and the burger wouldn't be quite so good if I didn't run and ate it 3 meals a day. So maybe, just maybe, that applies to sex as well. Maybe not.

A female view wrote:

I keep hearing "I want a freak in bed," "Act like a porn star," etc. It's great if the Mr. & Mrs. want to swing from the rafters (and if both are into that every time, great). But the Mrs. shouldn't be expected to be Linda Lovelace 4-5 times a week, especially if that's not what SHE wants. Gentlemen, it's O.K. to satisfy her needs and fantasies once in awhile. Sex can be a form of communication between two people. If it is all about fantasy and porn, then it really doesn't matter who's in bed with you, does it? The Mrs. doesn't always like to feel that way. Compromise, and don't go to bed with these porn star expectations EVERY time. She'll feel like a failure or disappointment, and will be a lot less interested in having sex with you.

I once told my husband I never wanted to feel as if I ignored the housework, didn't make dinner and put the kids to bed filthy, he would still be happy so long as I put out like a prostitute 4-5 times a week. In other words, when you complement or thank her, be sincere about it - don't use it as a means just to get laid.

By the way, in couples counseling, we were warned off porn, for many of the reasons I allude to. Creates unreasonable expectations, depersonalizes sex and your partner, and skews your view of what sex should be. Get addicted, which is common, and you spend way too much time in a fantasy land and not in reality with your spouse.

A female view wrote:

I keep hearing "I want a freak in bed," "Act like a porn star," etc. It's great if the Mr. & Mrs. want to swing from the rafters (and if both are into that every time, great). But the Mrs. shouldn't be expected to be Linda Lovelace 4-5 times a week, especially if that's not what SHE wants. Gentlemen, it's O.K. to satisfy her needs and fantasies once in awhile. Sex can be a form of communication between two people. If it is all about fantasy and porn, then it really doesn't matter who's in bed with you, does it? The Mrs. doesn't always like to feel that way. Compromise, and don't go to bed with these porn star expectations EVERY time. She'll feel like a failure or disappointment, and will be a lot less interested in having sex with you.

I once told my husband I never wanted to feel as if I ignored the housework, didn't make dinner and put the kids to bed filthy, he would still be happy so long as I put out like a prostitute 4-5 times a week. In other words, when you complement or thank her, be sincere about it - don't use it as a means just to get laid.

By the way, in couples counseling, we were warned off porn, for many of the reasons I allude to. Creates unreasonable expectations, depersonalizes sex and your partner, and skews your view of what sex should be. Get addicted, which is common, and you spend way too much time in a fantasy land and not in reality with your spouse.

for the record wrote:

A female view wrote:

I keep hearing "I want a freak in bed," "Act like a porn star," etc. It's great if the Mr. & Mrs. want to swing from the rafters (and if both are into that every time, great). But the Mrs. shouldn't be expected to be Linda Lovelace 4-5 times a week, especially if that's not what SHE wants. Gentlemen, it's O.K. to satisfy her needs and fantasies once in awhile. Sex can be a form of communication between two people. If it is all about fantasy and porn, then it really doesn't matter who's in bed with you, does it? The Mrs. doesn't always like to feel that way. Compromise, and don't go to bed with these porn star expectations EVERY time. She'll feel like a failure or disappointment, and will be a lot less interested in having sex with you.

I once told my husband I never wanted to feel as if I ignored the housework, didn't make dinner and put the kids to bed filthy, he would still be happy so long as I put out like a prostitute 4-5 times a week. In other words, when you complement or thank her, be sincere about it - don't use it as a means just to get laid.

By the way, in couples counseling, we were warned off porn, for many of the reasons I allude to. Creates unreasonable expectations, depersonalizes sex and your partner, and skews your view of what sex should be. Get addicted, which is common, and you spend way too much time in a fantasy land and not in reality with your spouse.

1) "the freak in the bed" "pornstar" thing is quite a bit exaggerated. Very few men demand that from their wives, so yes, it was brought up, but it is mostly irrelevant. MOST men simply want a sex life similar to the dating life they had with their wives. Often that doesn't happen. Or a sex life similar to some of their previous dating lives. Again, that often doesn't happen. So these aren't fantasies they are shooting for, but realities they actually experienced. OR they want their wives to enjoy going down on them as much as they enjoy going down on their wives, etc. Again... often not happening. men don't want their wives to treat sex as something they are willing to do, but as something they REALLY WANT TO DO. Passion. YEs, they want to be wanted and enjoyed sexually the way they want and enjoy their wife. They even simply want their wives to look at them the way they once did, and yes, believe it or not, hug/cuddle them/love them, etc. (and sure, then all the sex on top of that). I don't think any of that is asking too much, but apparently, it is, often for men who are doing everything they can for their wives. (now, don't bother telling me that sometimes the shoe is on the other foot. I know that. But I am talking about male complaints, and they are what I listed above: they want more physical attraction coming from their wives, more physical bonding of all sorts, more ENJOYING sex and WANTING sex, regularly having PASSIONATE sex (for most men, even 2-3 times a week is great), etc

2) you say that a woman shouldn't have to do something if that is not "what SHE wants." Well sure, that is mostly true, but where is the line drawn on that? What if she decides the only sexual act she is comfortable with is missionary, once a week, end of discussion. That would be pretty unreasonable for most men. And wouldn't the rules apply the other way? A man could say; hey, a man shouldn't be expected to be a house-cleaner or dish-washer every day if that's "not what HE wants." Where is the line drawn? On who's likes/dislikes/whims/rules are the "I shouldn't have to do that if I'm not into it" based on? It's a tricky business.

3) you say: "In other words, when you complement or thank her, be sincere about it - don't use it as a means just to get laid. " that can be flipped around: when YOU have sex with your husband and do things to him that he really wants you to be into (and I am talking basics here, nothing radical), then YOU need to actually sincerely enjoy it and don't just pretend to or go through the motions so you can get him to do stuff or say stuff to you that you want out of him, right? Two-way street. If you going through the motions/faking it, he might as well pay for it and get the same thing .

4) why did you have to go to couples counseling? What went wrong?

Bottom line: people get married, for the most part, because of a deep physical, and emotional, connection. Sure, both parts need to be fulfilled on both sides. But the reality is: many women seem to act completely differently, in a physical/passion sense, during their dating lives than they do during their married lives, and/or, refuse to try and grow in their sexual lives (if they were fairly prudish to begin with). Instead they put their supposed physical attraction and bond with their husband way on the back burner, and maybe just go through the motions in that area to avoid conflict. That's not healthy, and it shouldn't be that way. People get bored, and familiarity, while not always breeding contempt, can at least breed less passion towards your spouse. But with even a little work, I think couples should have the same passion towards each other as they always did. And particularly as people get into their late 30's/early to mid 40's, and maybe are looking at other attractive members of the opposite sex, and feeling a little old, and pondering their fun dating/hook-up lives of their college days and early 20's and comparing that to the lack of passion they are experiencing now.....then that is the time more than ever to try and rekindle all that. And yes, men have a big role to play there, but if women are simply not up to the task of being into romance/sex/passion like they used to, or promised they always would be...then that will simply be very harmful to the marriage resulting in either cheating, divorce, or a fairly unhappy marriage.

So yes ladies, a big part of that is on you.

I hear that watching porn sometimes gets women more in the mood and willing to be more adventurous?

(the last part is 1/2 of a joke! Actually, I guarantee you that in many cases it is actually true. But I am not entirely discounting your views on porn. In many cases it can be harmful for people/relationships. But it is not always this way. My wife doesn't care at all that I watch porn. I don't watch that much, but, she simply doesn't care one iota) .

regent wrote:

for the record wrote:

1) "the freak in the bed" "pornstar" thing is quite a bit exaggerated. Very few men demand that from their wives, so yes, it was brought up, but it is mostly irrelevant. MOST men simply want a sex life similar to the dating life they had with their wives. Often that doesn't happen. Or a sex life similar to some of their previous dating lives. Again, that often doesn't happen. So these aren't fantasies they are shooting for, but realities they actually experienced. OR they want their wives to enjoy going down on them as much as they enjoy going down on their wives, etc. Again... often not happening. men don't want their wives to treat sex as something they are willing to do, but as something they REALLY WANT TO DO. Passion. YEs, they want to be wanted and enjoyed sexually the way they want and enjoy their wife. They even simply want their wives to look at them the way they once did, and yes, believe it or not, hug/cuddle them/love them, etc. (and sure, then all the sex on top of that). I don't think any of that is asking too much, but apparently, it is, often for men who are doing everything they can for their wives. (now, don't bother telling me that sometimes the shoe is on the other foot. I know that. But I am talking about male complaints, and they are what I listed above: they want more physical attraction coming from their wives, more physical bonding of all sorts, more ENJOYING sex and WANTING sex, regularly having PASSIONATE sex (for most men, even 2-3 times a week is great), etc

2) you say that a woman shouldn't have to do something if that is not "what SHE wants." Well sure, that is mostly true, but where is the line drawn on that? What if she decides the only sexual act she is comfortable with is missionary, once a week, end of discussion. That would be pretty unreasonable for most men. And wouldn't the rules apply the other way? A man could say; hey, a man shouldn't be expected to be a house-cleaner or dish-washer every day if that's "not what HE wants." Where is the line drawn? On who's likes/dislikes/whims/rules are the "I shouldn't have to do that if I'm not into it" based on? It's a tricky business.

3) you say: "In other words, when you complement or thank her, be sincere about it - don't use it as a means just to get laid. " that can be flipped around: when YOU have sex with your husband and do things to him that he really wants you to be into (and I am talking basics here, nothing radical), then YOU need to actually sincerely enjoy it and don't just pretend to or go through the motions so you can get him to do stuff or say stuff to you that you want out of him, right? Two-way street. If you going through the motions/faking it, he might as well pay for it and get the same thing .

4) why did you have to go to couples counseling? What went wrong?

Bottom line: people get married, for the most part, because of a deep physical, and emotional, connection. Sure, both parts need to be fulfilled on both sides. But the reality is: many women seem to act completely differently, in a physical/passion sense, during their dating lives than they do during their married lives, and/or, refuse to try and grow in their sexual lives (if they were fairly prudish to begin with). Instead they put their supposed physical attraction and bond with their husband way on the back burner, and maybe just go through the motions in that area to avoid conflict. That's not healthy, and it shouldn't be that way. People get bored, and familiarity, while not always breeding contempt, can at least breed less passion towards your spouse. But with even a little work, I think couples should have the same passion towards each other as they always did. And particularly as people get into their late 30's/early to mid 40's, and maybe are looking at other attractive members of the opposite sex, and feeling a little old, and pondering their fun dating/hook-up lives of their college days and early 20's and comparing that to the lack of passion they are experiencing now.....then that is the time more than ever to try and rekindle all that. And yes, men have a big role to play there, but if women are simply not up to the task of being into romance/sex/passion like they used to, or promised they always would be...then that will simply be very harmful to the marriage resulting in either cheating, divorce, or a fairly unhappy marriage.

So yes ladies, a big part of that is on you.

I hear that watching porn sometimes gets women more in the mood and willing to be more adventurous?

(the last part is 1/2 of a joke! Actually, I guarantee you that in many cases it is actually true. But I am not entirely discounting your views on porn. In many cases it can be harmful for people/relationships. But it is not always this way. My wife doesn't care at all that I watch porn. I don't watch that much, but, she simply doesn't care one iota) .

Fantastic post. I would venture to guess that because of this phenomenon of women losing interest in sex, porn has saved way more relationships than it has ruined (by giving men some kind of outlet).

Finally, for any women that are actually reading this, I would like to add the following. Remember that time you asked your man his wildest sexual fantasy? He was lying when he answered that question. Take whatever he said and multiply it by about 100. Seriously.

for the record wrote:

[quote]A female view wrote:

Bottom line: people get married, for the most part, because of a deep physical, and emotional, connection. Sure, both parts need to be fulfilled on both sides. But the reality is: many women seem to act completely differently, in a physical/passion sense, during their dating lives than they do during their married lives, and/or, refuse to try and grow in their sexual lives (if they were fairly prudish to begin with). Instead they put their supposed physical attraction and bond with their husband way on the back burner, and maybe just go through the motions in that area to avoid conflict. That's not healthy, and it shouldn't be that way. People get bored, and familiarity, while not always breeding contempt, can at least breed less passion towards your spouse. But with even a little work, I think couples should have the same passion towards each other as they always did. And particularly as people get into their late 30's/early to mid 40's, and maybe are looking at other attractive members of the opposite sex, and feeling a little old, and pondering their fun dating/hook-up lives of their college days and early 20's and comparing that to the lack of passion they are experiencing now.....then that is the time more than ever to try and rekindle all that. And yes, men have a big role to play there, but if women are simply not up to the task of being into romance/sex/passion like they used to, or promised they always would be...then that will simply be very harmful to the marriage resulting in either cheating, divorce, or a fairly unhappy marriage.

So yes ladies, a big part of that is on you.

Off the record wrote:

for the record wrote:

[quote]A female view wrote:

Bottom line: people get married, for the most part, because of a deep physical, and emotional, connection. Sure, both parts need to be fulfilled on both sides. But the reality is: many women seem to act completely differently, in a physical/passion sense, during their dating lives than they do during their married lives, and/or, refuse to try and grow in their sexual lives (if they were fairly prudish to begin with). Instead they put their supposed physical attraction and bond with their husband way on the back burner, and maybe just go through the motions in that area to avoid conflict. That's not healthy, and it shouldn't be that way. People get bored, and familiarity, while not always breeding contempt, can at least breed less passion towards your spouse. But with even a little work, I think couples should have the same passion towards each other as they always did. And particularly as people get into their late 30's/early to mid 40's, and maybe are looking at other attractive members of the opposite sex, and feeling a little old, and pondering their fun dating/hook-up lives of their college days and early 20's and comparing that to the lack of passion they are experiencing now.....then that is the time more than ever to try and rekindle all that. And yes, men have a big role to play there, but if women are simply not up to the task of being into romance/sex/passion like they used to, or promised they always would be...then that will simply be very harmful to the marriage resulting in either cheating, divorce, or a fairly unhappy marriage.

So yes ladies, a big part of that is on you.

You think? Did you ever think for a split second that it might be the other way around? Oh yeah, hard to conceive ( no pun intended?) bottom line, it takes two to tango and if one makes a mistake in his/her step, it's because the other partner didn't pay attention to their details. As humans, I suppose we're not perfect, eh?