Post-nuptial shutoff?

Not true. I am 28 female, married for 6 years and my husband is the one with the low/non-existent sex drive. Since we have been married it has gone from once a month (always I was the one to ask) to less than that (b/c I can't stand the rejection anymore so I don't ask). I crave physical intimacy badly. I am in love with my husband, and he is in love with me. In every other way we are perfect. I haven't changed physically since before we were married, and the sex was fabulous then. He says he doesn't deserve me staying around, and worries that I will stray. I am torn: do I leave my best friend and soul mate to find physical intimacy while I am still young and attractive enough to make a new start or do I stay with a wonderful relationship in the realization that nothing is perfect? It's just as hard for a woman in this situation as it is for a man.

ok i stand corrected... sort ofi think you are the exception to the norm, not that i makes your problem betterbut, and i hope this doesn't sway you in your decision any which way... i would imagine most men's sex drive would ýour sex drive look small in comparison

damn no ability to correct posts with typos everywhere... sorry

Funnily enough, I actually think most lesbians do have much higher sex drives than the average straight woman.

That was in relation to Flagpole Willy's comment above.

Sometimes I wonder if it's all a power struggle. The one who asks loses the power. When I hear, as you do everywhere, stories about women saying "not tonight dear" I wish I was the one who could be in the position of saying that. Instead I'm the one tearing up at the Viagra commercial like some poster noted above. It really sucks.

BTW aneconomist - I think you are right about the sex drive thing. Mine is not abnormally high, my husband's is just abnormally low.

Is he a closeted homo?

Jizzmo wrote:

[quote]sexlessrunningchica wrote:

Is he a closeted homo?

I thought the exact same thing!

I am serious.I got tired of begging.We don't even kiss,touch or hug.

Hmmmmmmm... believe me I have thought that many times and asked him too. He swears to me that's not the case, and that he finds me very physically attractive. What's sad is it does leave you doubting yourself and I do not want to turn into one of those women who needs a man for validation. Yuck.

Nothing would surprise me though.

You are in a spot, and my comments really don't apply to your situation. Certainly there are men who have very low sex drives. My point though that as much as you need it from your husband, if he were to give it to you even just a little bit more, you'd likely be satisfied. Even at your horniest, I would bet, you don't compare to the level that most men have. But, like anEconomist said, there are exceptions to every rule.

To the point of your problem though, he obviously knows he isn't fulfillng your needs if he's afraid you will stray. Have you asked him why he isn't more into it? Might be telling. Stress, hormonal problem, erectile dysfunction that he's embarrased by, depression, gayness? Maybe he's just not interested. If that's the case, you should be able to tell him that you need it more often, and that you want to stay married to him, but that perhaps you need an arrangement so you can go get it elsewhere. Either that, or he just does it for you like he might paint a room or take out the garbage. In any event, to not talk about it and get some sort of resolution is a bad thing in my opinion.

Good luck.

Thanks FW. To answer you - we have talked about it a lot and been to numerous therapists (my idea). But it's now at the point where talking about it crushes his ego and turns him off even more. At least when we don't talk about it he is loving and there for me in every other way but sex. I feel like I need to make a decision between love and sex. It seems that many of the guys who have posted here have opted for love/ friendship.

By the way it's not really an ED issue. We have tried Viagra and it works, but you have to want to have sex before you take the Viagra. He just doesn't want to do that (and I hate the idea of forcing him to take a pill just to satisfy my needs) so I think it really is a case of low sex drive. I guess I managed to find the one guy out there....

He might need a periodic testosterone injection if his levels are abnormally low.

sexlessrunningchica wrote:

By the way it's not really an ED issue. We have tried Viagra and it works, but you have to want to have sex before you take the Viagra. He just doesn't want to do that (and I hate the idea of forcing him to take a pill just to satisfy my needs) so I think it really is a case of low sex drive. I guess I managed to find the one guy out there....

You DID find the one guy. Your situation sucks, and unfortunately you have the distinction of being one of the very few women who can sympathize with men like the ones posting on this thread. Sorry. I think he's still the man for you, until you reach the point where you begin to consider "getting it" somewhere else. As long as you're content enough not to stray from him sexually, your marriage is probably "good enough". (I'm assuming you don't have kids, by the way.) As you can probably imagine, you'd have plenty of options, should you eventually try and go in another direction - plenty of us out there without the problem you have become too familiar with. Good luck.

Well if this thread is of any hope, there are a lof of under sexed men out there looking for a "runningchica" like yourself.

People shouldn't feel bad about wanting to have sex! It's natural, and it is an important part of having a close intimate realtionship. One of my biggest complaints is that since the wife has become Ms. Once-A-Month we are not as close. We become more like room mates than hub/wife.

Maybe we could all save a lot of money on marriage counseling and such if the wives (and occational husband) read this thread. There is a lot of honesty in it.

runningchica, in all seriousness you may want to suggest to him that he get a blood test for total and free testosterone levels.

A patient of mine several years ago came to me with a problem. He was 21 years old, basically at the age where most males are at the peak of their sexual drives, and he had almost no drive whatsoever. He didn't even have any interest in masturbation. He's a runner, and he had been engaging in some very intense training, and had not been eating enough for it (partly a conscious issue I believe, as he voiced his worries on getting fat). Anyway, the point of this story is that I had his testosterone levels checked and they were indeed lower than the normal range (it was about 255 ng/dl). I started him on Androgel for two months, and talked to him about healthy eating and being sure to carefully monitor his training, and by the third or fourth month, much of his sex drive had returned. By the six month mark, he reported that he was fully back to normal.

Now obviously testosterone levels can be low for a plethora of reasons, but it can certainly be the reason for his lack of sex drive.

Jizzmo wrote:

Well if this thread is of any hope, there are a lof of under sexed men out there looking for a "runningchica" like yourself.

People shouldn't feel bad about wanting to have sex! It's natural, and it is an important part of having a close intimate realtionship. One of my biggest complaints is that since the wife has become Ms. Once-A-Month we are not as close. We become more like room mates than hub/wife.

Maybe we could all save a lot of money on marriage counseling and such if the wives (and occational husband) read this thread. There is a lot of honesty in it.

You just hit the nail on the head in regards to my situation. I am lucky to get it once a week. The part of sex that is great between me and my wife is how in tune with one another and how close i feel to her the rest of the day. This feeling doesnt come after a quickie but after 'making love'. The longer we go without sex it seems our overall affection goes way down. We tend get a little detached when we go on long streaks with no sex. All of the sudden the random kisses throughout the day seem to leave and the bond between us seems to lack something. I'm all about the physical part of sex but the emotional part that carries over throughout the next day or two is great for me.

Ok, I am not married, but I do plan on getting married in the future. There is a chick I dated for a solid year who is moving back to my area, and she is the sort of woman I would have stayed with and could envision something long term with, we ended because of pure geographical differences. I have had many healthy relationships as well as many periods in between those where I had many one night, two night, and three night stands, and to be honest I think a good combination is healthy. I do not believe it is healthy to only have long term relationships and never have a purely sexual and sexually adventurous relationship with a woman, and likewise, I would not want to only have sexual relationships.

I have issues with two of the themes posted here, the first enumerated by Flagpole. He says that women never have the sex drive that men do, but that is just flat out wrong. While some women may deny it, deep down every woman loves a good lay just as much a guy does. You would be shocked how many women have never had an orgasm, and for many of them its just damn hard. If they have never experienced sexual ectasy, it is more than possible they simply associate sex with unnecessary drama and physical pain. For guys that feel they might want to try something new to pleasure their babe, go buy a nice vibrator for her. It is not admitting defeat. I will admit it, I normally am able to make a girl I am with climax (some of them could be faking, I don't know), but there was one chick where I moves just didn't do it. I went out, purchased a vibrator, and she was screaming during our next f***. An orgasm feels just as nice to a woman (possibly better) as it does to a man, keep that in mind.

Women are sexual beings too, especially women in their 30s. Begging is simply unattractive to women, you need to display power, charm, and confidence. Tell her some story about how you busted the balls of some coworker, or just make up something if you have to that makes you sound like the man, she will love it (the women here will agree with me on this, that confidence is incredibly sexy). So you've hit your 30s or 40s, your body is no longer what it used to be, you've got to make up for that in other ways. If you are the type that begs, stop begging, think of other ways, begging is probably the worst way to get laid.

Ok, I hope that helps. I am experienced in sex and relationships, of course no relationship on the magnitude of marriage, but that is what I know about women and sex.

Mayeroff, now you. 78 pounds? Is that a good thing? She's either a midget or has no tits, no ass, and is borderline anorexic. I don't like thick chicks either, but I draw a line and manage to have standards. Also, have you gone to Thailand to get ass? There are only a few places outside of Africa that I would trust less than Thailand. You probably have some sort of Asian fetish or have some sort of pedophiliac fantasies (based on age, size, and manner of description of your sexual partners). I am guessing you routinely f*** women I wouldn't even touch, so I am not jealous, and nor should anyone else be. I don't think you are sick for wanting one night stands, I love them too, and they are part of maturing, but based on what I have read from you in this thread and others you seem unable to connect with women, which is a valuable life skill. Hopefully Thailand will help you grow up, but then again, I don't know you so, so I don't really give a shit. I mainly posted to try and convince these married guys that there is hope, and that the strategy of try and try again until you succeed only works if you find a method of trying that works.