I'm 38 with 2 kids (2 and 4). Is life just hard right now or is it me?

Raised 4 kids during my 20s, 30s and 40s. Wife and I worked full time and we both were active in volunteer work for our local schools. I worked out either in the weight room or running every day. Best years of my life. Wish I could do it over again. Maybe it was easier then since we didn't have social media where we could complain and get validation from others about how hard parenting is.

Welcome to life. Yours is pretty typical. I have a 14 year old and a 4 year old. My wife stays at home.

I believe if you can afford it having one parent stay at home is probably the best for the kids and for the parents mental health.

Money isn't everything.

Alan

35 year old father to 3 (4,2,1) and husband here. Wife is at home with the kids. I would say community at home and work is how I stay sane. Good people and family help. When I lose my support system, it gets tougher. Living this life has pushed my limits and has humbled me because my limits are very clear to me.

To the exhausted: Live how you want to maximize happiness within yourself and family, I don’t preach about doing anything specific. just stop grinding once in a while and make a plan toward happiness.

Two people can handle two kids. Don't go up to three kids, like we did, it throws a wrench into everything, because then when they start having appointments and concerts and games, you can't have two people in three places at once.

Great post. Seriously. You are expressing what so many feel. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is exhausting. You are not alone brother.

Some encouragement as my kids are now in high school with a gap to our youngest (8). The fight for your kids, marriage, and work is worth it. Most truly good things come from struggle and effort. Yes, you are tired but putting effort into things that matter is important for you and for your family. It is also important for society. My advice: find other men to connect with that are similarly trying to do things well. Drugs and alcohol are not the answer. Male encouragement and comradery help. For me, religion also helps keep perspective that there is something at work bigger than me.

Another thing that has helped me:

f3nation.com

F3 Nation - Fitness | Fellowship | Faith ®

@F3_CSD

F3 is a national network of free, peer-led workouts for men. Our mission is to plant, grow and serve small workout groups for men for the invigoration of male community leadership.

Open link

This is a group of guys working out with each other in the gloom. We are all of different faiths (or some with none at all) that are trying to do well for our families and for our communities. It has been a big encouragement to me. Check it out. I hope there is one near you. It is free and you will be welcomed.

I'm about to be a parent, can't you have your wife watch the kids for an hour in the afternoon a few days a week so you can go for a run? That doesn't seem crazy to me at this moment. Same if my wife had something going on for a little bit I'd watch the kids while she did her thing.

I look back at my own childhood, I think I was outside playing with neighborhood kids the majority of my time by age 8 or 9 into middle school age. By age 13 the parent is basically a taxi service a large part of the time.

The price you pay for middle class conformity.

Having kids is conforming to a norm? Interesting take.

I'm at the leading edge of GenX, so none of us have hit our 60s yet. Financially, I'll get a 25 year pension, consistent retirement investing since age 25, frugal spending habits (wife is great at this, she's basically a homesteader), benefit of owning west coast real estate since 1992. No major health issues for anyone in our family. We've always lived 25% below our means with the goal of a comfortable early retirement, and we've never made high salaries. Now we just have to enjoy ourselves and not die for a while.

I've appreciated this thread and the many perspectives. I can relate to an extent to pretty much all the posts. I believe running is the greatest metaphor for parenting and life itself.
While I know the thread is about parenting (so perhaps what I'm about to write is accepted as a given), I would suggest focusing on the marriage relationship first. That by itself will help steer you down the right path and be extraordinarily helpful during the more difficult times. Doing a hard interval workout by yourself feels miserable - almost impossible. Sharing the track with another who is doing a similar workout at the same time is a little better. Actually doing the whole workout together with someone else is better yet. Or maybe a better analogy would be that focusing on the kids (without first working towards having the marriage relationship in the best health possible) is like running the workouts without having the consistent training behind it.

Some parents are going to be great with toddlers while others are better with teens or even young adults. It's ok. Do what you can in the time and place that you're in. Avoid comparing yourself with others in unhelpful ways.

Relatedly, there seems to me to always be a prevalent almost omni-present sentiment or message floating about that says "you're less than". Don't give that lie any quarter and especially don't project it onto others. I'm in no way advocating laziness or negligence, and by all means go for the best. Yes, you can do things that have "worth" but you are not the sum total of the things you do or have achieved. When you start believing you're "less than", or the preconceived expectations (often unrealistic) that you've constructed in your head are a struggle to meet, then it can be a downward spiral under this heavy and completely unnecessary weight. You can become like the good solid runner that way underperforms at the meets... a classic head-case. Relax and just run, baby! You can do this.

Figure out "truths" you are onboard with and then live accordingly. If you're going to be swept with the current of the river, it would be better to paddle along (sometimes furiously) to steer and avoid banging into things. Another "lie" that I think perhaps a lot of people buy into (maybe subconsciously?) is "you can have it all" (or have it all all the time :)). Parenthood is not for everyone, and I don't say this to minimize their choices. In fact, many on this thread have mentioned that they're glad they're not (and I get it). From a strictly financial ROI perspective, having even 1 child is a horrible decision.

Very quickly, hiphoppingworm, thank you for your earlier reply. Your wife sounds like a keeper :). Happy birthday in this upcoming week.

A short earlier post by RGARC2 said at the end to "Try to stay positive and focus on what you have to get through the hard. Keep going." I think this is golden. Choose to see your wife and kids and your place through a grateful lens, and then this habit will start to come naturally. A side benefit is that they will start to see you similarly. I don't mean to be overly pollyannaish, but you are not a powerless victim to your feelings. You can change your feelings by what you tell yourself over time.

Middle Aged Female No Kids, I don't think you should cry over not having kids. You're simply on a different path that is meaningful and beautiful in its own way. To answer your questions, 1) My wife is a stay at home wife, but I would say she works full time :). Besides the family stuff, we own a fledgling business, and it would be a massive understatement to say she contributes. 2) I make it a practice to avoid speaking for her, but she doesn't do the letsrun forum. As a mom of 7, she would tell you that whoever is saying to you "I'm tired but I didn't know what happiness was until I had kids" is feeding you some grade-A garbage. Maybe they had an inadequate view of life before they had kids, or maybe they are attempting (rather poorly) to justify their current position to themselves. We love our kids, yes, and we're thankful for them and the good times, but they are not the be-all end all of life. I am sure if you caught my wife at the right (rare and very difficult) moment, she would indicate that maybe life would have been better without them (or without me (lol))! But that's not reality. We have our situation and you have yours, and both can be challenging and "fulfilling" in their own ways.

To all, I wish you well in your journey and race of life. May you run well.

Second endorsement for F3.

It's a solid group of guys. I have a 5, 4, 2, 1mo old at home. Life is both chaos, and a routine. Wife stays at home. F3 allows me to get a great workout in during the morning when things are quietest.

That's kinda my roadmap. I'm 39, married, no kids yet, but we are very frugal and 25-30% of paycheck goes to savings. TY for taking the time to respond, I mean it! Wife works for a state school system and gets pension as well. She is only 31.5 and has time to make it work for her.

Someone asked above how many women here are posting on this thread. I’m a mom, and used to be a single parent, so I have a little different perspective, but I don’t typically find moms having these types of conversations. To be clear, I’m not saying women are tougher. I’d say women are more likely to struggle with feeling like they’re doing enough/perfectionism. I have a phenomenal husband who works a stressful job and is always willing to help with the kids (even goes out of his way to be an amazing step-parent to the oldest), but he seems constantly tired, anxious, and depleted. Many of the things you all are talking about. We make time for each other on date nights and weekend trips. We both run every day and both work full-time. As a mother, I am tired, but i don’t typically feel “is this hard parenting thing ever going to end.” I more stress whether little Johnny is going to pass his spelling test and whether Lucy’s lingering cough is something I need to be concerned about. I definitely felt the exhaustion when I was parenting alone, but having two people raising the kids who love and respect each other is seriously amazing. Please do not take this for granted. I’ve experienced the other side of the coin and those were tough days. All that to say, I think it’s important that people are having these types of conversations and acknowledging that parenting IS tough; it’s a choice every day to be present and raise good humans, and being a good parent takes a lot of effort. Thanks for starting this thread and sharing your perspective. Was nice to read.

I struggle with self-comparison (social media does not help). This was a great post too. LRC is usually toxic BUT there are incredible threads like this...they should pin it. TY for this! And good running analogies.

TY for posting this....my wife struggled with "being good enough" and I have to tell her she's great as she is. Perfectionism is something difficult to deal with, trust me! It is great having a partner help out--I always view marriage as a TEAM effort. We just naturally pick up where the other one leaves off.

A lot of times I'm learning that marriage is also about non-verbal communication and just reading the room too.

I think you have to be in it to understand but it doesn’t really work like that with young kids. An hour break is like a sip of water in the middle of a desert.

I agree people overestimate their kids wanting to take care of them when they get old. I have see many times that this is NOT the case. Kids move away, have their owns lives, and want to exert little effort to help their parents...and this is a nice scenario. Imagine if you have a contentious relationship with your children and ultimately they just want to speed up the suffering and death so they can try and take your money.

I only have 1 child but own a demanding business so I feel like for years I was in a similar boat. I had never smoked weed in my life but when it went legal in my state I tried it for the first time. Completely changed my view of things, relaxed me, and I get more sleep than I ever have. Not for everyone but in my experience it has helped me a ton (and my wife too)