NRR: Gettting married in two weeks. Need help with something

This is nonsense.

All of my email passwords were auto saved on my fiancee's computer, she has it set up that way.

I told her she could read any of my emails any time, and have the passwords to my bank accounts.

You're either together, open, and having nothing to hide, or you don't.

On a shared computer...leaving your email logged in. She either wanted to get caught, or she wanted him to read them and be jealous.

She either wants more attention, or she wants to blow up the wedding.

Either way, bad strategies for going about it.

I doubt the OP will come back, he's got bigger fish to fry either canceling his wedding, or selling himself on her lies, or trying to find out which of her bags she put his nutsack in.

what world do you people live in where people who haven't seen each other in five years, and who have apparently barely been in contact, meet up, have drinks, have dinner and have sex within 4 hours? i guess it's the same world in which platonic interactions with the opposite sex are impossible.

OP, good for you for recognizing your mistakes and good for your fiancee for being willing to admit her shortcomings as well. it sounds like you are communicating about this well now and i for one think you'll be totally fine.

suckdude wrote:

She can say sorry all she wants now but you need to know if it is for real. It happened once and the only test is the next time. To not delay the wedding or cancel it because of your reasons are a joke. The problem will only be compounded if it happens again.

What would she do in the same situation? In a similar situation?

Hopefully, she has good friends and family will tell her that she was wrong regardless of what her intentions were. Too bad they will probbaly just say she was in the right as they were old friends blah blah.

Good luck

You know how it goes; like I said last night, she will excuse her way out of if, not wanting the wedding to be canceled -- and she will continue to act this way.

It wasn't a casual attitude about an ex boyfriend, she was curious.

Curiosity kills marriages.

Flagpole has it right, marriage is not a thing to enter into with such behaviors on one person's side.

But, the OP doesn't have the balls to postpone the wedding.

He doesn't have the balls to leverage his power.

And he doesn't mention anything about a prenup.

One can only hope his wife to be is rich, or inherits a lot and HE GETS HALF someday.

kaitainen wrote:

what world do you people live in where people who haven't seen each other in five years, and who have apparently barely been in contact, meet up, have drinks, have dinner and have sex within 4 hours? i guess it's the same world in which platonic interactions with the opposite sex are impossible.

If you think that kind of thing doesn't happen, then you've never had a woman suggest that to you. Married men and women have affairs frequently, and it's even more frequent BEFORE they are married (which isn't an affair, but it's certainly not right 2 weeks before a wedding).

What kind of world are you living in where a guy who hasn't seen a woman for 5 years and has had minimal contact and is already married and contacts said woman for drinks and then dinner and has to get there by 45-minute train ride ISN'T trying to get in her pants?

Wow! Where to start?

Let's see:

"You probably are female in challenging this statement."

Wrong. Perhaps I am an intelligent human being who is somewhat suspicious of grand generalizations of genders.

"Here is how I KNOW that factor to be true. WOMEN HAVE TOLD ME.

Example One: Female #1 "One of my problems is that I don't always know what I want. Sometimes I say 'yes,' and don't know until later that I really wanted to say 'no." Equals "I don't know what I am doing in the moment."

Example Two: Females #2 and #3 "When I think of the crazy stuff I put men through when I was younger, no wonder men think women are crazy, I was, I was reacting and acting without thinking and not realizing what I was doing until way after the fact. I didn't know why I was doing things. I didn't think things through. I was reacting on hormones, emotion, etc."

So, a few females talk to you and you conclude "Ah, women are like this..."

Wow, just wow.

"Men find it hard to understand that women often act on emotion and reaction, with out stopping to consider or THINK THEIR ACTIONS ALL THE WAY THROUGH."

And men do? Now that is funny. Yes, all those men out there carefully considering the consequences and ethics of their actions...not in the least influenced by emotions, short term thinking, sex drive...

"As to men always knowing why they are doing something. In THIS scenario the dude is flirting and making a move on a woman. You think he magically doesn't know that he is trying to get into her panties?

Puhleeze. "

This is not something that I have said. It is something that you have said. Perhaps you have a hard time telling the difference?

"that is kind of an insult tho those who are truly mentally challenged, or have Asperger's syndrome and the like"

That is true. At least you got this one right. I am truly sorry for slandering those less fortunate. People who are retarded cannot help that fact. I am hoping, however, that you have the capacity to learn.

Get Real Real wrote:

All of my email passwords were auto saved on my fiancee's computer, she has it set up that way.

I told her she could read any of my emails any time, and have the passwords to my bank accounts.

You're either together, open, and having nothing to hide, or you don't.

On a shared computer...leaving your email logged in. She either wanted to get caught, or she wanted him to read them and be jealous.

There are personal emails that can be of no business to the other partner. A common example is your wife having a best friend whose husband is cheating on her or is abusive to her. She is the confidant to her best friend; you as an outsider have less useful input into the situation.

The reason for stored passwords is for convenience, not so the other partner can snoop. Most people trust their partner to not read their mail. Why would you read their mail if you actually trusted them?

Uhh... ???

Author: Lancashire Drug Supply Co.

Message: My friend you need some help. Contact us. We have the right thing for you. To make you forget your sorrows.

No real sorrows ATM, so I'll stick to the occasional beer or two if that's OK? Sorry if I offended you, but I just don't like the look of this guy's situation... I've seen this happen to people (not necessarily with an impending wedding) where a chick will just wig out for whatever reason(s) and start whoring around. I say cut it off now. Maybe IN TIME after trust is restored they can try again, but SHE outright killed this go-round in my opinion.

kaitainen wrote:

what world do you people live in where people who haven't seen each other in five years, and who have apparently barely been in contact, meet up, have drinks, have dinner and have sex within 4 hours? i guess it's the same world in which platonic interactions with the opposite sex are impossible.

OP, good for you for recognizing your mistakes and good for your fiancee for being willing to admit her shortcomings as well. it sounds like you are communicating about this well now and i for one think you'll be totally fine.

Didn't I tell you that you were wasting your time debating adult topics with those who are emotionally still teenagers?

But you just couldn't listen to me, could you...?

:-)

I am seeing a lot of advice that is just off the walls. I assume that the OP is very confused. He has a group telling him that this is no big deal, and another group saying to dump this girl and run. Poor dude, his mind has got to be spinning right, plus the fact he's been busy at work and going to meetings. On top of this he has the whole situation. OP the first thing you do,if you drink alcohol, is have a beer on me, because you deserve at least one. I truly believe that those who are saying run, have serious issues with women. They hate to see true love exist because they never found it and they don't want anybody else to find it. Like leaches looking for anything. I feel that it is only fair to the OP that we post our view in addition to where we currently stand on the relationship. I will start. That way the OP can look at who is giving what advice and he can select based off his criteria.

I will start

Position: All parties made a mistake, forgive the girl and move onto married life. Nothing drastic happened

Relationship Status: Seeing nobody at the time

Age: 23

mad and in need of advice wrote:

sorry but I don't have what it takes to cancel the wedding. I spent a lot of money for invitations, rings, security deposit, hotel arrangements, etc. We have almost 200 guests. It's just too big for me to cancel, financially and in regards to family, friends and colleagues.

It is interesting you are more concerned with how much you are spending for the wedding, your obligations etc, rather than how good the RELATIONSHIP is with your girlfriend.

That is sad. But you are not alone. Having a big wedding and "being married" are more important to most people, as compared to having a close and beneficial relationship.

Also it is clear to me that the girlfriend wants to marry you only for your money. She is therefore doing anything possible to appease you to make sure you don't cancel the wedding. She wants to control you, and do whatever she wants, including to continue to see the guy she's been bonking. She will continue to see him once you're married.

This is a good thread. I have enjoyed reading the various responses.

restauranteur wrote:

Sounds like they used to be good friends and are catching up at dinner. Chill out and get over yourself. I see nothing shady about it. By the way, you should've talked to your fiance before you talked to him. How could that have worked out well?

I feel sorry for the young lady in this relationship. If she marries this jerk she is in for a hellishly rocky road of accusation,controling behaviour and a good chance for physical abuse leading up to the divorce.

WiT wrote:

I feel sorry for the young lady in this relationship. If she marries this jerk she is in for a hellishly rocky road of accusation,controling behaviour and a good chance for physical abuse leading up to the divorce.

Quit your dribble. How has the OP demonstrated this at all?

J.R. wrote:

mad and in need of advice wrote:

sorry but I don't have what it takes to cancel the wedding. I spent a lot of money for invitations, rings, security deposit, hotel arrangements, etc. We have almost 200 guests. It's just too big for me to cancel, financially and in regards to family, friends and colleagues.

It is interesting you are more concerned with how much you are spending for the wedding, your obligations etc, rather than how good the RELATIONSHIP is with your girlfriend.

It is my firm belief this is the best reason to NOT ever have a big wedding, do not invite 200 guests, do NOT make a big deal out of getting married -- because getting married itself is THE big deal -- not the celebrations, not the money, not the COMMITMENTS, not the guests.

People who get married because of all those things are getting married for all the wrong reasons.

There is only one reason to get married, because you are with the one you love spending your time with, being with, your best friend, your lover - because of being your best friend - none of the other things are important. If you are getting married because of everything ELSE then that's how the rest of your life, your marriage, will be based, i.e. on those things, not on being in the relationship & marriage because you're both with the person you want to be with.

I agree with WiT. If anyone should be ditching the wedding it should be her. They have dated for seven years and he is still massively insecure that she would cheat on him, he leaves threatening messages to a high school friend that she has seen three times in seven years, he goes through her email and instead of talking reasonably to her, he physically threatens someone else, labels someone a creep after meeting him once, he finds this one outing horrific enough that he has to start a thread on letsrun.

I could imagine after they are married, she will not be allowed to get together with the girls, he will randomly show up unannounced at her work, look through her cell phone records, pressure her to quit her job, and eventually not want to let her leave the house alone.

Lisa - Barnard College wrote:

I agree with WiT. If anyone should be ditching the wedding it should be her. They have dated for seven years and he is still massively insecure that she would cheat on him, he leaves threatening messages to a high school friend that she has seen three times in seven years, he goes through her email and instead of talking reasonably to her, he physically threatens someone else, labels someone a creep after meeting him once, he finds this one outing horrific enough that he has to start a thread on letsrun.

I could imagine after they are married, she will not be allowed to get together with the girls, he will randomly show up unannounced at her work, look through her cell phone records, pressure her to quit her job, and eventually not want to let her leave the house alone.

Evidently, he's done nothing right and she's done nothing wrong, in your view. We'll never know, but can certainly question who you would side with if a woman posted here, with a story about her male fiance and his old female high school friend. We only have one side of the story. I have no idea who is in the right. How could you be so sure?

not just *women

Okay, that makes more sense now. There are also lots of pro OP posters dripping with certainty. I know too many people, whether male or female, whose first person accounts of interactions with one another are very divergent from one another and from what I would likely think in their situation.

Hearing from one gives me some certainty on what that person thinks, but not who is right. At minimum, I would have to hear from her, before I had an opinion on who was right. In this case, one or both of them could be misinterpreting the intentions of the high school friend guy, so knowing what advice to give would, at minimum involve hearing from him too.

Even if we heard from all three, something I have no inclination to do, or read, it would still be a bucket full of conjecture to determine who was in the right. Doing it with just one person's presentation is kind of silly, so I see why you were in opposition to the cheering squad.

Lisa - Barnard College wrote:

I agree with WiT. If anyone should be ditching the wedding it should be her. They have dated for seven years and he is still massively insecure that she would cheat on him, he leaves threatening messages to a high school friend that she has seen three times in seven years, he goes through her email and instead of talking reasonably to her, he physically threatens someone else, labels someone a creep after meeting him once, he finds this one outing horrific enough that he has to start a thread on letsrun.

I could imagine after they are married, she will not be allowed to get together with the girls, he will randomly show up unannounced at her work, look through her cell phone records, pressure her to quit her job, and eventually not want to let her leave the house alone.

So we have now three level headed folks who have had some life experience on this thread I see.

Lisa I hope you did not learn this lesson first hand.

WiT is wineturtle he seems to speak 'girl' better than most of the regulars. He relationship stuff is pretty much always on point.