I would want a divorce from you also. You're very verbose...ZZZZ.
I would want a divorce from you also. You're very verbose...ZZZZ.
Dude, forgive yourself. Seriously. Life is full of good things for you. You aren't the only person who ever went thru a crappy divorce. Look at where you were...even tho you loved your ex very much, you were miserable. Yes, divorce sucks, but it's done. Climb out of that hole of misery and don't look back. I went thru a sh*t divorce about 4 years ago, and now I am relieved and happy. Give yourself a little more time. My dad once told me, "Never trip over something that's behind you." Look forward to better things.
lmao how could anyone think that is a desirable situation
Hope she gives him hell wrote:
You are lucky you got out. I would put money on it that in 5 years or less, she will marry this guy, have a kid, and make that guys life hell.
Someone's personality doesn't just change because they are with someone else.
Hang in there and thanks for reporting back.
Thanks, and I agree. She spent no time repairing her problems...history will repeat itself.
I'm with a woman who is a little more rational now...the difference is quite shocking.
You made a vow, man. This is a test of your character, your ability to love. Do everything possible to deal with your own BS first. Stop focusing on her. Get back in the present moment, and stop hanging on to the past. This is key to living with someone. Realizing that it's YOU hanging on to the past, and forming beliefs about your memories about her. Let the past go. Give her what she needs, communicate your feelings, but also live your life. If she says anything, let it go. The minute it is said, it's over with--it's the past. This is the nature of forgiveness. It's YOU holding on. Understand? Remember your vows.
Norman B. wrote:
I've been married for just over 2 years and I'm considering divorce. I'm in my early 30's and she is in her late 20's.
Last night we had an argument on our way to dinner where I ALMOST completely lost it on her. I had to walk across the parking lot and back before I could talk with her again. The rage has been building for weeks.
Our relationship is complicated by a few important things:
My wife hates her job. She's tried to apply for other positions around the city but hasn't had any luck. She is not on her intended career path will often take her anger home. This anger soon becomes directed at me if I don't comfort her enough - which is incredibly difficult to deal with. I'm always biting my tongue because she is overtly sensitive and it's hell on earth if I decide to fight back. I'm no angel, and I've said a few bad things under duress, but her emotional roller coasters are something I've slowly lost tolerance for. I'd say 50% of the time she very unpleasant to be around, 25% of the time she is "tired" or "sick", and the other 25% is just "functioning." She seeks counseling and is on anti-depressants - and the jury is still out on how effective they've been.
She wants to have a child now so that she can quit her job and fulfill her dream of becoming a parent. The idea of having a child with her is a scary thought....a child would most certainly divide and destroy our rocky partnership. She is also pushing for a child NOW because all of her friends are pregnant and or have had children and she doesn't want to be over 35 and have a risky pregnancy. The major problem I have with this is that my wife has become a non-sexual person. I don't think we've had sex more than 10 times in the 2 years we've been married. We will go several months without any physical contact. We didn't even have sex on our anniversary this year. I've tried to initiate things to no avail. What makes her think that she can just magically turn things around and use me after years of pushing me away?
My wife had a great figure on our wedding day, but has gained 35 to 40 lbs since our wedding. At 5-2, she now weighs more than me (I'm 6-2, 155). I've tried to tell her in a roundabout way that she needs an exercise regimen but she just can't find the will or energy. She will buy a gym pass, and never go. Conversely, she hates the way I look now, and calls me emaciated and sickly. At 70mpw, she feels that I have an obsession. I was at 20-25mpw when we first met and looked "normal" - so she has hated the transformation. She thinks runners are weird and doesn't like being around my running friends. She doesn't seem to grasp that running takes dedication - but it always brings much happiness....which is the most important component of one's well-being. I've done my part to be flexible by running at 5am and on my lunch breaks in order for me to not waste "our" time together.
A few things that have prevented me from going through a divorce have been pride and disappointment. I absolutely hate to quit or fail or let anyone down. We've sought counseling for a year and we just can't make the progress we'd hoped for.
I know Letsrun isn't the best place to post something like this - but I need truthful advice from a few like-minded people. If you post something like this on a "relationship forum", you'll get responses from scorned women who generally see men as the problem anyways.
Thoughts? Thanks.
Norman B. wrote:
Divorce is a horrible, horrible thing. Try to avoid it.
Wait--why would you prefer continuing in the toxic marriage where your wife didn't express her love for you emotionally or physically and picked fights all the time? Sounds like you made the right decision. I don't know why females would want to screw a short, fat, ugly guy that makes marginally more than a very in shape guy, but whatever.
You are young, there are no children involved and it is easy to get divorced in such a situation. So do it, now. She is an unhappy person and you are not going to be able to have a happy life with her. So get out now while you can.
And do not listen to these saps who say marriage is sacred ya ya ya and you made a vow ya ya ya. That is BS. Your happiness is paramount, hers is secondary. You are not happy, she is not happy and you both deserve happiness. Maybe you are part of her problem? No biggy, just accept that and move on. People drift apart at all stages of a relationship and if you are going to drift apart best that it get done early in life so you can find someone who is more compatible to spend the rest of your life with.
It's foolish to think that we are meant to be with one person forever..seriously, that is a fairy tale. Even people who love each other find themselves straying from time to time. That is normal and that is life. It ani't all a bed of roses. I know, been married 22 years and it's mostly been great but man, there have been some rough patches along the way.
Good luck to you. But I think you need to move on.
that fast wrote:
Norman B. wrote:Divorce is a horrible, horrible thing. Try to avoid it.
Wait--why would you prefer continuing in the toxic marriage where your wife didn't express her love for you emotionally or physically and picked fights all the time? Sounds like you made the right decision. I don't know why females would want to screw a short, fat, ugly guy that makes marginally more than a very in shape guy, but whatever.
She chose a beta, passive guy with more money. I have been told all about him. He's easier to control and spoils her. I stood my ground, even though I loved her, and made the decision to boot her.
My family hated her. She had no friends. Draw your own conclusions as to why she's with this new guy. He's all she has.
The psychological impact of divorce is hard to deal with...I'm getting better. The new girl is helping a bit but I've had to do a lot to get back to where I was 5 years ago.
Listen! Don't leave this one to find another, most are like this anyways! Seriously you sound self absorbed, their is more to life than running and I'll tell u straight up, your the only one that cares about your own running. Encourage her rather than criticize her. This the problem in most marriages. Everyone is selfish and if it isn't about them it's wrong. Marriage takes adapting and it doesn't matter who your with. Maybe look at how you're doing things too.
Ok, I read your long post Norman (I posted twice after reading the original post). Good on you for moving on! I have been in your shoes before, totally morose over a woman. It sucks more than most can imagine. It takes time to get over those feelings. And..it takes another woman in your life to get over the first woman who ripped your guts out. I hope you found that woman and that she fills that void in your life. Good luck to you.
And keep running.
Wow, I have kids and I'm a mom, my husband gets mad when I want to workout and have a life cause it means he has to help with the kids. Secretly had to get gym membership with childcare to go when hes at working. I can't sit and have to always be cleaning, or constant activity with children when he's home! Got sick with flu and he yelled about how lazy I was. If only he knew!
Wow - congratulations. You did the right thing, getting out BEFORE you had children.
It'll suck for awhile (and sometimes randomly) in a way that never-married people won't get. The only thing that's come close to it for me was having my father die.
But it *does* get better.
One last thing: I've been asked *twice* - on first dates - before the drinks had even arrived: "So, why'd you get divorced?"
You don't have to answer that.
Mr. Obvious wrote:
Mos Def wrote:You are right in that reducing the mileage will not help. She is not a happy person and seems to need things to complain. Even if he cuts running out altogether, she will find something else to complain about. It may seem harsh, but some women just get that way.
I dont' think it is gender specific. Some guys get that way too. Seems (at least in my marriage) that these things can take on a life of their own and become a negative feedback loop. Both people are involved in that, not always equally but always to some degree. It is very, very difficult to break that pattern once it becomes established.
Wait a minute. Mr. Obvious didn't ask for pictures? He is really off his game.
Norman B. wrote:
that fast wrote:Wait--why would you prefer continuing in the toxic marriage where your wife didn't express her love for you emotionally or physically and picked fights all the time? Sounds like you made the right decision. I don't know why females would want to screw a short, fat, ugly guy that makes marginally more than a very in shape guy, but whatever.
She chose a beta, passive guy with more money. I have been told all about him. He's easier to control and spoils her. I stood my ground, even though I loved her, and made the decision to boot her.
My family hated her. She had no friends. Draw your own conclusions as to why she's with this new guy. He's all she has.
The psychological impact of divorce is hard to deal with...I'm getting better. The new girl is helping a bit but I've had to do a lot to get back to where I was 5 years ago.
Norman B, stop trying to justify your actions by demeaning & belittling her new guy. Just stop it!
I missed this thread initially. Interesting story, especially with the update. No doubt the divorce was painful, but man it was the right thing. Your wife prettied herself up to grab another husband. She would have never done this for you. She will gain the weight again with this guy when their relationship is secured. I have to say, many women are very very calculating and good at getting what they want. Marriage is a joke and really means nothing unless you are super religious, and even then people get stuck in marriages they are not happy in. Honestly you should be glad its over and look forward to new things.
There are some funny responses on this page, hope you have a bit of sense of humor to get you through this one.
Sorry that you had to go through this but in the long run you'll be better off. Forget about the other guy, you'll be able to meet lots of women and will find someone more suitable.
Keep running too.
kroger wrote:
Hopefully a troll wouldn't write this much. I recommend intensive couples counseling. Divorce should be the last option, not your first. Reduce your mileage to 40-50 MPW and be a better husband to her.
Are you his wife? If you're not you a real p**sy. He is already getting the raw end of the deal and shouldn't take anymore. Send her packing brother, you'll probably find some younger better looking, little runner, that you'll enjoy much more and will appreciate you.
Vows mean nothing anymore. How can someone who initiates divorce exchange vows with anyone else again and have any credibility? Obviously had your fingers crossed behind your back the first time. If your spouse isn't cheating on or physically abusing you, work it out. Live up to your vows. Marriage has its ups and downs, and it can get tough from time to time, but you communicate and help each other. You shouldn't stand up in front of witnesses and make those vows if in the back of your mind you're saying "if she ceases to make ME happy, I'll exchange her for another one." Shallow character. Lying in front of friends and family. Why would they show up for a second wedding? You didn't mean it the first time!
boitinboto wrote:
If your spouse isn't cheating on or physically abusing you, work it out.
There are other reasons for divorce. Marriage is a two-way street and both partners need to work at it. If one of the partners decides to withhold intimacy and affection and refuses to make any effort to emotionally engage or communicate in a meaningful or constructive way there is not a lot the other person can do.
If it comes to the point where only one partner is willing to work at it, at some point they may have to just cut their loses. Obviously, most situations are more complex, but unless you have been there don't be so quick to judge.