Post-nuptial shutoff?

oh man wrote:

yes, I guess you have a case there. Unfortunately I'm only hearing one side of it. I'm sure my ex has some similarly incriminating things to say about me. She told me things about the guy she was with; what a horrible scumbag he is. Maybe, like you, she's telling the next guy things about me that aren't so great. I never told her she was getting chubby. She did have a really nice body but she wore concealing clothing, and I mentioned a few times that I wished she would dress a little more sexy sometimes. She took that very personally. Actually it wasn't that big a deal to me. I think she's totally sexy either way. I said a few things I wish I could take back. I'm still totally in love with her, but I guess she is "over" me.

Everyone has a few things they wish they could take back - don't worry about it, it doesn't sound like there was something you needed to do differently, although I don't know the whole story.

I don't think my ex's disinterest makes him a scumbag, just someone who I couldn't be with happily for any longer. He didn't like this and didn't like that, and only liked missionary, and was very verbal about it, so sex was like this list of rules that I had to follow or he wasn't satisfied. Ok, everyone has their preferences, but there wasn't any compromise - things had to be exactly his way or he didn't want it at all. I'm sure there's another side of the story - maybe he'd tell you that I sucked at sex and he wanted me to do just a few things differently and I didn't love him enough to make things good for him.

In the more general sense of the PNSO, I can imagine this with a different ending - instead of saying that I couldn't continue the relationship under those conditions, if this had happened when I was younger and less mature and more desperate to please, maybe I would have married him thinking that the sexual stuff wasn't that important overall, and in another year, we'd have pretty much stopped having sex altogether. If your ex was over you, for whatever reason legit or not, it's better that you get to find someone who's into you instead of having her drag out a dead relationship.

Peace Out wrote:

How old are you? I'm asking because I'm a 37 yr. old female; I always had a very healthy sex drive until about 3 years ago, and it disappeared seemingly for no reason I could come up with.

I'm 32 and this is not comforting news at all!

Wow, Peace Out. That really makes me feel sad. I wish you the best.

Wow, yetanotherchick and Peace Out, the things you say really bring me down. I hope there is something positive to be taken from all this.

yetanotherdude/oh man wrote:

Wow, yetanotherchick and Peace Out, the things you say really bring me down. I hope there is something positive to be taken from all this.

I don't think my situation is negative - I avoided an unsatisfying or failed marriage by being able to back out of a relationship that was sexually unhappy before it got that far instead of buying into a delusion that sealing the deal would magically fix things.

What brings me down is that it sounds like a lot of people could have seen this coming, but either don't know or believe that something will change.

My takeaway from this long long series of posts.

Have sex with younger women. No matter what your age is keeping going after younger women. When your looks go, use money and power. If you have neither, you are out of luck. Move out of the way.

Here's the key:

Don't marry them.

Foiled again wrote:

another option wrote:

wow. i haven't visited this thread in a while but i have to say--if any of you are bored or want to spice up your sex life...ummm.. try.reading "Fifty Shades of Grey"...holy moses....................................i had to buy the other sequels...lol

Bought the book two weeks ago for my wife.

She actually mentioned hearing about the book before I did.

I bought it in hopes she would read it and get worked up a little.

She has yet to read a page. Too busy and tired for even a little light reading.

I wouldn't consider this "light" reading...just have her read a few pages and she won't be able to put it down!

Btw, ALL my friends are reading this...

yetanotherchick wrote:

Peace Out wrote:

How old are you? I'm asking because I'm a 37 yr. old female; I always had a very healthy sex drive until about 3 years ago, and it disappeared seemingly for no reason I could come up with.

I'm 32 and this is not comforting news at all!

Hey, I don't think you need to worry. I'm 38, female, married 13 years, we still do it as much as needed!

I still think a lot of it, the shut-off, is about the relationship. According to my mother, in her 60s, she is still going at it after 40+ years of marriage (NO, I don't WANT to have that information!!) I think a lot of women love their husbands but resent them for so many things that they aren't "allowed" to resent them for. I do not think it is physical. Admittedly for myself, for several months, I would have rather satisfied myself than satisfying my husband, due to unsaid issues. I should have worked on the relationship, rather than play that game. But it is one thing you can control in this world.

Women and men have many unsaid issues. I really believe that that's almost always the case. I suppose there may be some health issues, but sex is an expression.

I don't think because your wife/husband is not putting out or seducing you the way you want that is a good reason to leave them, but it is not okay. If the other person is not willing to at least explore issues, you've got much bigger problems than not getting laid.

Can you go into detail or give example regarding some of these issues wives resent men for?

maybe working out the home while wife is spent rearing children, perhaps? men keeping body in tact and in shape, while children take toll on women's body?

Out-of-Wedlock-Danny wrote:

Can you go into detail or give example regarding some of these issues wives resent men for?

maybe working out the home while wife is spent rearing children, perhaps? men keeping body in tact and in shape, while children take toll on women's body?

Disclaimer - there are exceptions to all of these but...

Generally:

1) Not helping out around the house - Men usually think, "hey if cleanliness (or laundry that has been washed this decade) is so important to you then knock yourself out". By the time she's done with this she's exhausted and hates the hell our of you - not exactly conducive to good sex.

2) Not listening - Women really, REALLY need to be actively listened to just as men really, REALLY need to have sex. For the most part neither one "gets" the other even though it is remarkably simple.

3) Not appreciating - Look, your wife probably never looked like a playboy bunny. And even if she did she probably doesn't any more. Appreciate her for who and how she is. Make her feel beautiful - even if you have to fake it. Remember, for every one of you, there are a thousand guys right outside who would happily flatter the hell out of your wife in order to get down her pants. Why not you be the one?

That should be enough to get you started.

Interesting. I was reading on a health forum tonight & many women wrote in that they went off the pill and found that their sex drive increased or came back. The pill messed with their hormones & eventually zapped their libido. I wonder if some of the husbands on here have wives who started on the pill around marriage time.

Out-of-Wedlock-Danny wrote:

Can you go into detail or give example regarding some of these issues wives resent men for?

maybe working out the home while wife is spent rearing children, perhaps? men keeping body in tact and in shape, while children take toll on women's body?

In general, being taken for granted. Outside influences. I used to get annoyed about mother-in-law issues, which I didn't feel I had the "right" to, feeling like sex is just sex and not an expression. Not being listened to is a big one. I have felt like at times that there were 10 other men around me that found me more interesting than my own husband did.

Yes, women want to feel beautiful!!! In my case, I still have the body of a teenager (haha) but I spend a lot of energy trying to keep my appearance up. I want my husband to notice. I think in many cases, the women just give up. Or worse, they still care, but age isn't working for them. Confidence is huge. It is hard to feel sexy when you feel fat.

And guys, I know you have many things that you believe your wives should be doing better, but you cannot control people. You can only focus on yourself and what YOU can change to make things better.

I believe you get more of what you focus on. So find a few things you like about your spouse and roll with it!

My sex drive comes and goes, but my husband gets pouty and crabby if we don't have sex every single day. He claims that he only wants it when I do, but that is such BS. I can't touch or hug him without him wanting immediate sex. It's kind of a turn-off. He's a bear right now because we went 2 days without it, and I'd bet a month's salary that today he'll be super nice now until he gets his next round of sex. I was so tired last night that I fell asleep while we were supposed to be fighting, and when I woke up he had gone to sleep in the other room! We've got some other issues too ... he pretty much always has to have his way, and he CONSTANTLY corrects me. He'll ask my opinion but he never takes my advice, so I pretty much quit giving any advice, and just try to agree with everything he says. Makes my life easier. But maybe I've built up some resentment and that's affected my sex drive. BTW, we've been married 3 years. I had almost no sex in my previous marriage, and have enjoyed our frequent sex until recently. Any advice?

--

Perhaps this is the answer for the unhappy women?:

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/bride-marries-herself-more-singles-throw-solo-weddings-202200537.html

The unhappy men can just shack up with themselves. Oh wait, most already do!

So what's gonna happen when that woman meets the man of her dreams? Sorry, I'm taken? By myself? Will she then have to divorce herself?

Mrs. M wrote:

Perhaps this is the answer for the unhappy women?:

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/bride-marries-herself-more-singles-throw-solo-weddings-202200537.html

The unhappy men can just shack up with themselves. Oh wait, most already do!

I think in many cases, the women just give up. Or worse, they still care, but age isn't working for them. Confidence is huge ...

... but you cannot control people. You can only focus on yourself and what YOU can change to make things better.

I believe you get more of what you focus on. So find a few things you like about your spouse and roll with it![/quote]

I guess I missed this before, but it looks like the advice I need.

Married again, don't give up! Be happy your husband still wants it from you. I know you want it to be different, though. I know exactly what you mean when you say you can't even give a hug without him wanting it. But again, think about the opposite situation, and which is better?

Feminists might not like it, but this author's book helped me a lot, even though it is very difficult for me not to bite my tongue at times.

http://www.surrenderedwife.com/

You need to know if you want to be in a loving relationship and then you need to do what you can do and see if it works. If it doesn't work, well then... you tried. Here is a good quiz:http://www.surrenderedwife.com/healthy-relationship-quiz.html

Married again, don't give up! Be happy your husband still wants it from you. I know you want it to be different, though. I know exactly what you mean when you say you can't even give a hug without him wanting it. But again, think about the opposite situation, and which is better?

Feminists might not like it, but this author's book helped me a lot, even though it is very difficult for me not to bite my tongue at times.

http://www.surrenderedwife.com/

You need to know if you want to be in a loving relationship and then you need to do what you can do and see if it works. If it doesn't work, well then... you tried. Here is a good quiz:http://www.surrenderedwife.com/healthy-relationship-quiz.html