I'm 38 with 2 kids (2 and 4). Is life just hard right now or is it me?

Mine are 16 and 17 and sometimes I wonder how we made it. Both my wife and I run and I think that saved us. Though when they were younger; one would watch the kids while the other ran. Now we run together. You'll make it!

In the late 80's I was in the same situation as you. High inflation, kids, a lot of occupational work as well as at home. You will get through it; just plan well and constantly, trying to minimize bad circumstances. And keep running for your sanity.

I will add this:

I was always vehemently opposed to having children. My wife and I agreed when we got married that we would not have kids; however, after 5-6 years of marriage, my wife changed her mind. We argued about it for a few years, until I finally gave in. I was afraid my wife would feel unfulfilled and wind up resenting me if we did not have children. I thought maybe when my kid was born I would experience some overwhelming change and love being a parent, but that did not come. Instead, I often felt resentment towards my wife for insisting we have a child in the first place. That was something I had to work through.

One thing I keep in mind now is that I absolutely love my child more than anything. Much more than myself, even more than my wife. It really hits home when he gets really sick and I feel terrified and would do anything to make him well. When things are really bad, I think about the only thing that could be worse than having my kid is NOT having my kid. I couldn't imagine a day without him. I think, for me at least, that sums up parenting. It is tough, stressful, takes up free time, and depletes income. But the alternative is that precious child not being there, and no matter how things get, that would be much worse.

Any parent who finds life easy isn't parenting properly. It's more than a full-time gig, it's overtime, all the time. You sound like a good dude. Keep sacrificing for your kids. They'll be better off in the long run with all that you continue to do.

No you're just a millennial wimp

So glad I got a vasectomy, you have to be insane to want kids in 2023, the planet is getting cooked.

That's a very big assumption that your kids will be there to take care of you when your older. Ever go to an old age home? I know several older parents (65-80's) that have children that are still a burden to them mentally and financially and will be to the end.

Great and encouraging post...it sounds like you had a great relationship with them!

The nice thing about no kids is travel and sleeping in, I'll give him or her that. And having more $. But $ isn't everything.

I just hope time goes fast through the toddler years but once they are in MS/HS it will become more like dealing with mini-adults. If one of my kids runs XC or track that will be super-great to share that moment with him or her.

I am now in the aging services industry as an admin--we deal with nursing homes, and CCRCs and you are 100% right. Lots of the patients in these upscale facilities have children with issues...and the kids are in their 40s.

The nice thing about having kids at an older age (I’m 36) is that I have done plenty of traveling, sleeping in, building my career, etc. Eventually it just isn’t that fulfilling personally. Plus none of those things are off the table completely now, just takes some extra planning and help.

This is the key, not thinking of it as a time to get through. If you spend all of your time counting down until times are better, you’ll never get there. I have 3 kids aged 10, 5, and 3. Prior to that I went to medical school and residency. I learned this lesson early on in medical school. While laboring through endless hours of lecture and studying about subjects I found boring and counting down to clinical rotations, I realized I would quickly get burnt out if I continued on like that. I just made the decision to start enjoying it. I starting making connections to the ways I could use the information I was learning to help people, and started appreciating how we know such detailed information about microscopic particles. Once you get to 3rd and 4th year of medical school it gets harder, and you tend to count down to residency when you can focus on the specialty of your choosing. Then as a resident you tend to count down until you graduate and can make real money and not have to work 80 hours a week. Then you start counting down until retirement. I believe the key to happiness in life is to find what you’re spending your time on fulfilling. I also believe that for most things in life, you can choose to make them fulfilling, and therefore be happy.

When I had two toddlers 17 months apart I started counting down until the youngest was two, because everyone told me it got easier after that. It didn’t (although it does get easier when they’re all in school). So I applied the lesson I learned in medical school, and I just focused on enjoying now. They’ll never be this age again, so focus on the unique joys of this age. Wrestle with them in the floor when you get home, even if you’re tired. Throw them in the air and watch their smiles. Take them to the park don’t sit there on your phone, watch them play. Read lots of books with them, even if you’ve read this one 20 times before. Remember that what you do now will have a big impart on the rest of their lives, and then do your best. You’ll be fulfilled even if you’re tired and they’re throwing tantrums. If you’re fulfilled, you’ll be happy. I realize this is easier said than done. I still have plenty of moments of frustration and loss of temper. Life would be much easier and simpler without kids, but don’t see how I could be as happy or as fulfilled.

Just curious what living environment makes this situation harder/easier.

Suburbs vs City

Having $ vs Working More

Having family help vs daycare help?

Taking vacations or not even bothering?

Some small decisions vs big decisions people made that moved the needle either harder/easier would be curious to hear.

This is funny because millennial dads are 100 times the fathers of the past. I always like to say my whole childhood could fit in 1 summer for my kids with all the things we do. I know there are exceptions but in general dads of the past were not expected to do even half of what is expected these days.

Having $ and people to watch the kids helps. I would never want to live in a rural area away from resources, but some people apparently like that. I love the suburbs!

Another option: join a health club that has low cost or free childcare while you work out. I can't believe the YMCA where I am is free for this. I always see moms up in the coffee area not working out but just taking a time out while their kids are playing in the day care.

This is one of the best threads I’ve ever read on here. Really I just wanted to echo what others have said. It’s very, very hard raising a family. But it‘s also meant to be hard and ultimately the juice is more than worth the squeeze in my view - the joy of spending time with your kids is indescribable.
I’m not sure there’s an elixir for doing it right. I’m lucky - we have reliable childcare so can do date nights whenever we like - but the binding constraint ends up being the overwhelming sense of tiredness we both feel as parents from trying to juggle tough work diaries, kids and a bit of exercise. If you’re not careful then your relationship can descend into a squabble about who has done more.
In terms of running, I have managed to PB in almost every distance since I turned 40, which is when I had kids. I’m 46 now and although I’m still PBing (mid 15s 5k, sub 33 10k), the training seems to take almost superhuman focus. It’s not the running that hard but just the sheer willpower to squeeze in an hour’s run when all I really want to do is lay my head on a pillow and nap. It’s so hard. But it is doable. And I’m really nothing special.

I actually started running after having my first kid. I was at home and DH was in residency (so busy) but I still needed to allow myself some selfish time. The household would (should) not fall apart it I took an hour for myself. Don’t lose yourself in parenting.