In love with a (unhappily) married woman who is also in love with me... Would like some input.

This is probably the best response. If the girlfriend won’t go through a divorce, then the only option is to end things immediately. This will not end well. We’ve all been in love, sometimes with the wrong person, and yes it’s painful when a relationship ends but in this case it’s absolutely the right thing to do.

To the OP: think of the kids, think of the kids and their father. Put yourself in their shoes. Do the right thing, end this relationship

She's using you my friend. Using you because she is unhappy. She is telling you everything you want to hear right now. Trust me, her husband is not as bad as she claims him to be. You are only hearing one side of the story. Probably a lot of the problems they have as husband and wife have at least as much to do with her.

Plus, no matter what the real story is, she made vows to this other person, and even if they are not in a good place right now, she OWES it to him and her children to be honest and say whether she wants a divorce or not. Right now, she is being extremely selfish and getting her cake and eating it too. There is no justification for this behavior.

Do you really want to attach yourself to someone who talks trash about her husband to another guy? Who betrays her spouse AND her kids while living a lie? She's proven to you what she is capable of. Take the rose colored glasses off my friend. She's playing the victim. I'm sure it feels great to feel like you are her "hero", the only man who "truly" understands her, who is "swooping in" and rescuing her from her "terrible life". Yeah, that would make anyone's self-esteem go up, it's understandable. But understand this, she's painting a picture of her life and you want to believe her because the thrill and excitement of it all are unbelievable (probably making sex unbelievable too). You then stretch your morality and ethics beyond reason to keep the affair going. Be warned. It. Will. End. Badly.

Also, do you honestly think you're the only guy she is with right now? You already have cold hard proof that she is an excellent liar who is leading a double life and that she doesn't mind having two men at once. How sure are you that she isn't with other men too? Or do you even think you are the first guy? Do you think she's still having sex with her husband? You need to have more self-esteem, you deserve better than this my friend.

Yes she is in a tricky position, that she made herself!!! It's not your responsibility to help her out of it. Don't be that guy. You will regret it later when this all comes out. You will be wracked with pain, doubt and guilt. You are already questioning it, why else would you turn to an anonymous running message board for advice? Let this post be confirmation for you, yes you need to call it quits and make a run for it.

Her husband is busting his gut trying to pay for the usual stuff, plus her needs. She is unhappy that he doesn't have enough time for emotional needs, and he complains about her spending.

She gets to have company with someone who can make her feel good, without demanding that she lifts a finger, gives her niceties, buys her dinners and lunches.

You are not hearing the truth and every day sharks like you prey on these people

Avid Hobby Jogger wrote:

We are reading his response correctly. On one hand he is proud no one condones it and on the other hand he is hooking the OP up with literally the only person on this thread that does condone it.

Just because I've lived it doesn't mean I condone it. But there are many nuances and without giving out every little detail to the anonymous forum, it is hard to explain. I'm also not trying to turn this into an "Oh Please" thread.

It's just not true that cheating only happens in bad or dead marriages as you say. It takes two people for a marriage to thrive, but it only takes one to destroy it. She has two choices if she's unhappy in her marriage: get a divorce or commit to working through the issues with her spouse that make her or them unhappy. There is no legitimate reason for infidelity.

This "thing with you" is happening because she has a MAJOR character flaw: she is a liar and a cheater.

She is lying to you. You shouldn't trust anything she says about her husband, her marriage, her kids, her family, his family, how she feels about you, whether you are the first person she's ever cheated with, the weather, her favorite color, who's going to win the Super Bowl. Cheaters/adulterers are LIARS, first and foremost.

If her marriage were that bad, she would've ended it before you came along. She is getting something out of it. She is using you.

There is a common tone to the replies you're getting here, not because we've never had relationships that "meant something," but rather, I'd guess, that most of us have had important relationships and when things were less than perfect, we didn't choose to lie and cheat. Also, some of us know firsthand the absolute devastation the two of you are causing by doing this. Do not underestimate the pain and damage you are causing with your behavior. It is real trauma.

Oh, by the way, all research shows that there's about a 1000% chance that if she leaves her family for you, she will eventually cheat on you. She has bad character and is not good for anyone. Find a woman who knows right from wrong. True love is not born out of lies.

Run away as fast as you can.

“Would like some input”

That’s what she said.

Cut off all contact. Don't ghost her but explain that you came to your senses and decided that messing around with a married woman is not a good idea for a multitude of reasons such as...

1) Once a cheater, always a cheater. If she cheated on him she would probably cheat on you.

2) Once the husband finds out that you knew about the marriage, you could end up six feet under.

3) The damage it would cause the kids. The kids may (understandably) not feel comfortable with step-dad being the guy that mommy cheated on daddy with.

4) Maybe the most important reason is that it will damage your reputation. I don't care if you move to a different area, gossip eventually comes around. Many people would not be comfortable being business partners/friends/associates/etc with someone who carried on a lengthy affair with a married woman who has children. Or they may just have a poor view of you based on your potential wife. Not similar to your situation but a friend of mine chose to date a girl that he called "weird"(and not in a good way). When he asked me if he should date her, I (and others) told him she just wasn't "weird" but crazy. He's in love or something now but she drains him of money, has potentially cheated on him at least once, acts erratically (one example is that she makes up odd excuses to not meet his childhood friends), and has ruined his reputation. I don't know of a single woman who takes him seriously anymore, and honestly other men (including myself) have a diminished view of him. We all tried to warn him, but at this point it's his life.

As someone who witnessed a blow up of a family due to extramarital affairs, your little fantasy of being a happy family with her and her kids will never happen.

My Fiancé’s wife had an affair, they had children. The man she left for and her had this fantasy of them having this perfect family and lovely relationship. The kids hate his guts, after 1 year of bribing the kids love, they realized the reason they have to go between 2 homes is because of the POS. They make their lives a living hell.

It’s obvious the two are unhappy. They are now being stubborn and sticking together because they lost their families for their “love”. Meanwhile, our household is loving, warm and stable… because we didn’t start out of a dark, dirty, secret.

Maybe she’s the one that’s miserable to be around, you only see the sides she wants you to see. Take it from her husband, if he can’t stand being around her after years of marriage, that will likely be your fate.

“But this is different” - Every person

Should i not close the thread to new posts? I am concerned for the OP's emotional well being but at the same time am realizing he may need to be told over and over again that isn't going to end well. He doesn't want to hear that over and over but it may eventually get through his head if I let it stay open. I think I'll ask Weldon for advice.

rojo wrote:

Should i not close the thread to new posts? I am concerned for the OP's emotional well being but at the same time am realizing he may need to be told over and over again that isn't going to end well. He doesn't want to hear that over and over but it may eventually get through his head if I let it stay open. I think I'll ask Weldon for advice.

Leave it. OP has the option to not see the responses, but he should be aware of the reality. There simply is no “happy ending”. He will find love elsewhere and kids won’t likely be apart of the package deal.

Love my step-son, but I also didn’t break up his family and I wasn’t the one who forced him to have “2 homes”.

I would imagine OP never spent time with her and her kids. That will be the reality at least 50% of the time. The kids will have priority and it will no longer be “us against the world”… it will become “us and the kids and the ex husband and the problems and never time alone and…”

rojo wrote:

Should i not close the thread to new posts? I am concerned for the OP's emotional well being but at the same time am realizing he may need to be told over and over again that isn't going to end well. He doesn't want to hear that over and over but it may eventually get through his head if I let it stay open. I think I'll ask Weldon for advice.

Leave it. The OP needs to hear over and over he is a POS being used by a cheating POS and that his only option to recover standing g as a decent human being is to walk or run away.

Walter H,

You are a fool. If you really want to be with her, tell her to leave her husband. If she won't, then her decision has been made.

Here are some things that are VERY likely in your current situation:

1) You OR she OR both of you, find excitement in the relationship because it's taboo, and it would devolve into big time boredom if you two ended up together. Since she is the married one looking outside the marriage, she may do that again with you.

2) Her husband may beat the sh!t out of you or kill you OR kill her if he finds out you two are having an affair.

3) Do NOT have an affair with a married woman. You never know what can happen...either violence as I mentioned already, or she decides her marriage is worth saving, and you are left alone, a loser.

4) Do NOT have an affair with a married woman.

5) Do NOT have an affair with a married woman.

Right now, you are a fool. Stop being a fool.

Here's what you say to her (since you obviously have no idea about anything:

"Listen, Sweetheart, when you are free and clear, give me a call." Then turn and walk away.

stop. just stop. it's not worth it. play stupid games, win stupid prizes. if you're both involved in an immoral relationship who knows what will happen if she actually gets a divorce and gets with you. it won't magically solve all your problems. there's someone out there who can have that connection with you that doesn't have a husband and kids. she can get divorced if she and her husband decide it is the right course of action but you should not play a role in that whatsoever.

Why don't you ask some children of divorce if their parents' divorce was "good for them?" If there is abuse, it's good for the parents to split up (to protect the kids). Otherwise, 99/100 would say it was one of the most traumatic events of their lives. So there's that.

And as others said, if she'll cheat on him, why wouldn't she cheat on you down the road??

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but you won't win. You can cut (both your) losses now, or later, when they're bigger. Not an easy thing to do, the right thing. Otherwise everyone would do it.

What weirdo comes to a running forum for this kind of situation. These forums continue to be a joke.

Here are a couple important things that have not been touched upon which are important to hear:

1. If she really loved you, you wouldn't be a secret. Period.

2. If she really is so great and wonderful, a "once in a lifetime" catch, you both can wait until after she is divorced to begin a relationship. You have a lifetime right? There should be no reason to rush and get involved and create this mess then, right? Since you skipped the wait, it looks much more like an infatuation fueled by guilty pleasure, and not true love. Love does not come from hurting other people and lies.

You need to love yourself more and see your true value. You deserve better. She's using you and her husband. And you are doing a terrible thing to the husband and the kids.

whatlol wrote:

What weirdo comes to a running forum for this kind of situation. These forums continue to be a joke.

I disagree with your take. I think the MB has been GREAT in this thread.

Why would someone come here for advice? Let me tell you why.

1) It's free

2) It's unbaised.

Let me turn this on you. Why wouldn't you go on here?

I've never understood why people go to shrinks.

1) They all charge like $200 an hour and

2) They all seem to have plenty of conflict in their own lives. If they are so smart, why are their own lives so screwed up?

3) They have a huge financial incentive to not solve your problems so you keep using them.

Here, people will say flat out after 15 seconds, "End it." A therapist probably would never say something that direct and if they did they'd only do it after 15 sessions (and 3k), not 15 seconds. They'd want to talk about your relationship with your your parents first, then your siblings, etc.