My wife has absolutely no libido anymore.

Lesson Number Ten

Tease her. The art of tease between married couples can really spice things up. Massage her, caress her, be as sensual as possible. Help her to relax and aroused. Then get up and walk away. Go a little further the next day, then get up and go play Bejeweled Blitz. The game is to get the level of arousal up, then stop short. It makes for a real intense experience when you finally stop the tease.

Teasing is an essential tool in the art of making love. Put it in your tool chest.

"You've been the sugar business for so long, you've forgetten the taste of real honey!"

Wrong. That is not being selfless. You describe someone with a hidden agenda pretending they freely being kind to others. In such a case, you are rigt - they are full of B.S. and turn into a matyr with resentments. Yet, they are still motivated by self will.Selfless means no ego, no attachments, no expectations. For most people it is a very challengeing state of mind to attain and often takes dedicated practices such as meditation or yoga. "Selfless" is not doing kind acts for others secretly wanting to get stuff in return. That is a cunning, manipulative ego. Call it what it is.

Lesson Number Nine wrote:

Lesson Number Nine

Don't go the selflessness route. Deep down, no one respects it, because it does off as phony by a certain point. Those who will take advantage, will take advantage.

I've gone the selfless route, and let me tell you, it doesn't get you much sex. It does get you manipulated.

If I got all selfless on her, she'd spot my BS a mile a way, and tell me to wake up. Martyrs in relationships put a big burden on the non-martyr. Nothing comes free. Heaving the burden of "since I do everything for you, you should do everything for me" on your wife will diminish her libido. Because you are being weak and phony. I know my wife doesn't want to make love to a weak fake.

Creativity is the answer.

Bin it

another dot wrote:

Wrong. That is not being selfless. You describe someone with a hidden agenda pretending they freely being kind to others. In such a case, you are rigt - they are full of B.S. and turn into a matyr with resentments. Yet, they are still motivated by self will.

Selfless means no ego, no attachments, no expectations. For most people it is a very challengeing state of mind to attain and often takes dedicated practices such as meditation or yoga. "Selfless" is not doing kind acts for others secretly wanting to get stuff in return. That is a cunning, manipulative ego. Call it what it is.

There's no such thing as a state of no-self. You can't get rid of your ego or yourself. You can stop believing in your self-image, which is a false self, just a conglomeration of thought, but that's it. Every thing you do is because the true self wants to have that experience. Thus, every thing you do is selfish. But that's not a bad thing necessarily. You might want to have the experience of loving someone, or raising a child, or helping people at a homeless shelter, but all of that is still selfish. Your actions always reflect desire for experience. Even quick ones like saving a child from running into traffic. You don't want to experience a hurt kid, you want to experience the reality of a safe healthy child, so you act according to your desire. This desire-less state that gurus try to make you believe exists, is an impossibility. Everything that lives is in a state of desire. It goes hand in hand with creativity and love and existence. If someone tries to sell you a bill of goods that you need to eradicate the ego, run the other way. They're just trying to either get you to put them on a pedestal, give up your personal power, or for you to give them money or stuff. The life of a guru can be an easy one.

See how your beliefs alter your experience. If you believe on thing, that's the filter you see life through. Believe another thing, and the world changes for you. When you believe something about someone, you don't see them as they are, now.

A state of spontaneous creativity is where it's at. In the present. Now. Once you get that down, the life and the world is your canvass. Make it what you will.Your actions will come from clarity, not from self-image or in relationship to images you hold of other people.

Coming from a woman... wrote:

You see, as my husband focuses on loving me and tapping into my love language (this works, I tell you), I begin to give back to him! Since I feel emotionally close to him after his efforts to love me how I need to be loved, I can't help but do the same for him. I want to make HIM feel good, feel loved, feel respected. And you see, it's a cycle, it can be constant, as long as both do their part :) Now it's up to you

This sounds so conditional & all about the woman using sex to control the man to get what she wants. You do this & this for me & then I'll give you sex. Don't do so & so & I'll withhold sex from you.

Whatever happened to unconditional love?

coming from a woman sn sounds like an American white woman lol. Lesson #15 never marry a white woman I bet the op wife is white lol. Out of all married women I get hit on by married white women the most. I would say at least once a week a married white woman approaches me. In fact one just sent me some nudes today and told me how attractive I am. I haven't acted on it because I have no interest in a married woman. They also keep it super uncover their husbands have zero clue. The biggest one I see is the "im going to the gym" or "im going to hang out for girls night" line. No there trying to break away to check out some young studs for one nighters lol. They can sleep with you one night and never talk to you again and just go back to their husbands like everythings normal lol I will never marry an american white woman lol.

Lesson Number Eleven

Unconditional love does not exist. There are always conditions between people. Know what they are, and be clear about them. The OP of this thread has conditions, but is afraid to couch it that way. His condition is "a wife is supposed to make love to her man often." The condition is not being met, and he's whining about it on Letsrun. If he was honest he would say to his wife "I expect you to have sex with me way more often than we're having it." At least that would be honest, and by taking an honest look at himself, he'd change.

The closest you can to a perfect love is to get into a creative state in present. Have an awareness of your expectations from the other. Once you know what they are, and your clear, you can communicate them, and get to the business of co-creativity. Loving someone means you see them as they are, now. Not loving some image you hold of them, and then when they change, you don't love them. If you can get into your creative mind, and know your mind, then you stand a chance of being at peace with who your partner is, in the present. The present is the only place and time you can truly relate.

tdwp wrote:

Coming from a woman... wrote:

You see, as my husband focuses on loving me and tapping into my love language (this works, I tell you), I begin to give back to him! Since I feel emotionally close to him after his efforts to love me how I need to be loved, I can't help but do the same for him. I want to make HIM feel good, feel loved, feel respected. And you see, it's a cycle, it can be constant, as long as both do their part :) Now it's up to you

This sounds so conditional & all about the woman using sex to control the man to get what she wants. You do this & this for me & then I'll give you sex. Don't do so & so & I'll withhold sex from you.

Whatever happened to unconditional love?

Women have been using sex to control men for thousands of years. You should be shocked to find that they are so manipulative.

Not the point. I was using the term "selfless" for simplicity. I suppose it is more accurate to use the phrase "self-centered perspective". For example, if my Aunt dies and I am only concerned about how that is going to effect me, that is a self-centered perspective. Will I get inheritance? Do I have to buy an airline ticket and attend the funeral? This death is really inconvenient to my life right now. What will people think of me if I don't cry at the funeral? That is a self-centered perspective.

You make a good point about acts being inherently selfish, which I did not bring up for sake of simplicity. If I am kind to someone, (expecting nothing in return), which brings me joy - isn't that selfish? I.e. I am being kind in order to experience joy. Yet, I can still be free of the attachment and expectation to feeling that joy.

Regarding your comment "There's no such thing as a state of no-self". That is not my experience. I have had moments of just awareness. No judgement. No thoughts. No self. I fully acknowledge these are fleeting moments, but it exists.

For me, I am putting in effort toward developing a perspective that is less self-centered. Less judgement, less attachment, less expectations.

[/quote]

There's no such thing as a state of no-self. You can't get rid of your ego or yourself. [/quote]

Actually, we're hitting upon the same thing. Always relating to and protecting the false self, which is just thought. We believe we're that group of thoughts we hold, and we live according to it. But what happens when you stop believing that the false self is you? Life becomes a creative venture. It's a completely different orientation. You no longer can be insulted, because there is nothing to protect anymore. there is no one there to be insulted. Creativity flows from you and it is true and it is real. You have so much more energy when you're not living to convince others that you are that image you hold of yourself. Protecting the image at all costs. Feeling afraid when others see through it. If you want true relationship with your partner, then stop believing you're a thought in your head.

There's no such thing as a state of no-self. You can't get rid of your ego or yourself. [/quote][/quote]

You must have read "The Five Love Languages".

Take note everyone and read this book.

If you are "lucky", wait until you have a kid or two. GAME OVER! Online p0rn will be your best friend. Thank you Al Gore for the world wide web.

Well said. I've had moments where there is awareness of that false self. Yet, other times in life, I lack that awareness and it is like I am a machine being steered by thoughts and tossed around by events and emotions. Days, even weeks, can go by before I snap out of it and see that false self and think "OMG, how long has it been?".

Sometimes I try to take a step outside of that false self by visualizing "thoughts are logs". I visualize a river and my thoughts are logs flowing down the river. In that scenario, who is sitting by the river watching thought-logs float by? It is what you described as energy and creativity.

Thanks for your insight.

[quote]ZEnMaster_Be_gone wrote:

Actually, we're hitting upon the same thing. Always relating to and protecting the false self, which is just thought. We believe we're that group of thoughts we hold, and we live according to it. But what happens when you stop believing that the false self is you? Life becomes a creative venture. It's a completely different orientation. You no longer can be insulted, because there is nothing to protect anymore. there is no one there to be insulted. Creativity flows from you and it is true and it is real. You have so much more energy when you're not living to convince others that you are that image you hold of yourself. Protecting the image at all costs. Feeling afraid when others see through it. If you want true relationship with your partner, then stop believing you're a thought in your head.

[quote]another dot wrote:

ZEnMaster_Be_gone wrote:

Actually, we're hitting upon the same thing. Always relating to and protecting the false self, which is just thought. We believe we're that group of thoughts we hold, and we live according to it. But what happens when you stop believing that the false self is you? Life becomes a creative venture. It's a completely different orientation. You no longer can be insulted, because there is nothing to protect anymore. there is no one there to be insulted. Creativity flows from you and it is true and it is real. You have so much more energy when you're not living to convince others that you are that image you hold of yourself. Protecting the image at all costs. Feeling afraid when others see through it. If you want true relationship with your partner, then stop believing you're a thought in your head.

Posting to point out that this is half-assed Dr. Phil book-club philosophy. I've read horoscopes that were more insightful than this crap.

If you're a troll, on the other hand, then this is excellent work and you should take my post as a hat-tip.

This very thread has caused me to lose my libido. The trite advice is absolutely nauseating.

Was I just awakened by a troll?!

[/quote]

Posting to point out that this is half-assed Dr. Phil book-club philosophy. I've read horoscopes that were more insightful than this crap.

If you're a troll, on the other hand, then this is excellent work and you should take my post as a hat-tip.[/quote]

Barry Badrinath wrote:

Posting to point out that this is half-assed Dr. Phil book-club philosophy. I've read horoscopes that were more insightful than this crap.

If you're a troll, on the other hand, then this is excellent work and you should take my post as a hat-tip.

You obviously are asleep and have no self-awareness. If you did, you'd know that what I'm talking about is true. What does "saving face" mean to you? What is this proverbial "face" that must be saved? Have you ever noticed a person talk about himself and realize that what they're talking about is just the past? That they're using these memories to make you think something about them. But you being more aware than that person are thinking to yourself "he's out of touch with reality." You know he's talking about a phantom. Well, do you ever try to save face? Have you ever tried to make others think a certain thing about you, but inside you know you aren't that at all? What insults you and why? When you're insulted, what s being violated? Why does it bother you? What's being threatened?

The image you have of yourself is being threatened. Your "face." If someone was to tear someone down and expose the false self for being false before that person is ready, most people will lash out in anger and even violence. All because their self-image is at stake.

But that self-image is a phantom. It's not who you really are. You are no-thing. You're not a thing. You're not a picture in your head. You're so much more vast than that. Who you really are makes the picture, but isn't the picture, it make the face, but isn't the face. Once you get this, and really see it happening inside of you, you'll experience a freedom so vast it will initially be unsettling, because it involves a void of sorts. You'l never get insulted again. There will no face to save. You will be the most authentic person in the room most of the time. In fact, you'll repel some people, because your openness will scare them. They'll sense that you're unmovable and that you can see through their BS and "face", and will avoid you.

What is "saving face"? Really answer that question as deeply as you can, and you'll free yourself.

Xfit_guy_the_real_one_1 wrote:

Your first mistake was marrying an older lady, she should always be younger.

Anyway, is she vegetarian or even vegan? Does she consume a lot of soy products? These are all known to slow down the s crave.

This is partially bullshit. If done correctly, a Low Fat Raw Vegan lifestyle will do wonders for health, physique, mood, arousal, etc. But low fat raw veganism is a far cry from Veganism (which may not be strict, may be high in fat, not raw, etc.) and Vegetarianism (which may have the same downsides).

I will acknowledge that there is the possibility of soy products having a detrimental effect on health. But you're an idiot if you think high consumption of animal products leads to a great vibrant sex life full of vitality in the long run. High consumption of animal products is one of the most conspicuous dietary factors leading to lifestyle diseases (heart disease, obesity) and Cancer in Western societies, as opposed to traditional societies elsewhere in the world that consume mostly low fat, fibrous Plant foods and suffer dramatically lower incidences of disease and enjoy greater longevity.

----------------------------------

As for the OP's original situation, others have mentioned the obvious: there are other Letsrun threads on this; there are clear deeper indications that the Wife is not interested and satisfied, which may be a combination of many factors.

There are ways to improve monogamous sex life--some of them you have tried, some seem not to have been tried (different lifestyle things), but all of those methods are probably moot at this point. This aspect of the relationship, and maybe a deeper aspect, has clearly degenerated over time.

These matters, in my opinion, are things you want to plan for and prevent from the onset of Marriage and not wait until it's too late. It is hard to try to be "dashing," "spontaneous," "exciting"--to introduce that ethos deep into a relationship and expect it to be effective or perceived as legitimate. That's a card that should be played from the beginning.

While sensual "boredom" is a preponderant probability with monogamy, I don't subscribe to the fatalistic view. But, this far into things, there is not much hope.