In love with a (unhappily) married woman who is also in love with me... Would like some input.

5/10. Got a few pages of bites.

If not a troll, this is sad. He just came for affirmation of his escalation of commitment. As another poster wrote the oxytocin buzz they both have (plus the excitement of forbidden fruit) are too strong to be overcome by people this week and self-focused. “We are better together”? What, as lying, cheating co-conspirators?. He posted one indignant reply of “you don’t understand” to those who critiqued him. And it’s obvious his query of “thoughts? was only for those to agree. Unfortunately, there’s little chance that this will end up well. Sorry for the kids whichever way this goes.

Rainy Day wrote:

Yeah, it’s not cool for either of you despite her unhappy marriage. If it’s really love, she should get divorced.

This. Sucks for you OP and I imagine you're doing all kinds of mental gymnastics trying to justify it, and you're here for input hoping people will say it's okay, but you already know the answer here. It's wrong. More so for her than for you but it's still wrong on both counts.

Also, even if she got a divorce, what do you realistically expect your relationship to be like after that? She will be under all kinds of strain from her kids, her kids will almost certainly hate tf out of you, and both of your families will know you're "the other guy". That will be like the honey moon phase ending times a million. Do you really think that is a scenario either of you are going to be happy with?

My wife's father is married to a woman with whom he had an extramarital affair. My wife was 16 at the time and found out about the affair. She did not speak to him for a few years and still harbors an understandable degree of resentment. Family gatherings are awkward with and my father-in-law's insistence on integrating his former mistress's family into his has been cumbersome. I would not have been nearly as forgiving as my wife has been, but she is a much kinder person than I am.

I view my wife's father as a selfish, narcissistic individual who put his own selfish desires in front of those of his children. I do not think I am wrong about that.

You mean like facilitating contact between the OP and literally the only person on this thread supporting his choices?

And the damn ads on this site are so bad that you can't even type a reply and hit the "post" button because some damn banner ad pops up at the bottom of the page, and the "X" to close it is just a ruse, it takes you to the scumbag site anyway.

I'm probably wasting my time because you're clearly choosing to be guided by emotion, not reason, in this matter.

You're "in love" with this woman because you're getting free, easy sex with no commitment, no rent, no bills to pay. You don't even have to live with her and her kids. If she was an honorable and ethical person, she would have told her husband the truth and divorced him. But instead, she's taken the cowardly, cheater approach. She chose her husband. He was "perfect" (so she thought) and promised to be with him forever. But she chose badly. So she's screwing around on him, but delaying divorce, probably for the money. She probably tells herself, "It's for the kids." Bul|crap. It's for money, convenience and fear. Fear of doing the right thing. Fear of change. In other words, cowardice. Refusing to do the right thing, because doing the wrong thing is more convenient.

What makes you think that if she leaves her husband for the latest "perfect" man (you) that she'll make a better decision this time? That you'll continue to be "perfect" unlike the last guy?

What makes you think love will still be in the air when you share a house with her kids? Will love still be in the air after you two hit inevitable post-marriage rough patches? Or will you be worried she's got an eye for the next better thing?

How exciting is it going to be when her kids hate and resent you (and her) for decades, blaming you for breaking up her family?

Just some things to think about.

No good person finds themself in this situation. As soon as you know the woman is married you don't foster that relationship, you immediately walk away. But you are a year in? What is wrong with you? You are just a really really bad person. Fortunately, so is she. If you were a good person I would say walk away, for your own sake, but also for her family, but you're not a good person. It's clear you want to break up her family and get what you want. It makes me sad that there are people like you in this world. You are the kind of person who would justify why it's OK to date a minor if that's what you wanted to do. Scum. You are scum. I feel really bad for her kids that you came into this woman's life and remain too weak and selfish to do the right thing and just care about what you want.

rojo wrote:

Oh Please wrote:

I give you permission to ask one of the BroJos or a moderator for my email address tied to this account. You can use this message as a reference. All my email contain my real name and I don't want to make another nor to get trolled. But seriously, I will give you every detail of my experience because I feel bad for people in this. I also do not think like most (or any) that think here.

OP. Please email me if you want their email.

robert@letsrun.com

.

I'm so proud of letsrun for this thread. I expected a lot of people to condone what he's doing.

You are proud to facility the destruction of a marriage, the hurting of innocent kids - all for a booty call.

What if it was your wife?

Occam wrote:

rojo wrote:

OP. Please email me if you want their email.

robert@letsrun.com

.

I'm so proud of letsrun for this thread. I expected a lot of people to condone what he's doing.

You are proud to facility the destruction of a marriage, the hurting of innocent kids - all for a booty call.

What if it was your wife?

Rojo is proud that people are putting this dude in his place. I think you read Rojo's response wrong.

You sound like a teenage girl. "No one has ever been in love like this. You guys just don't understand"

You are also getting 1/2 of the story and you apparently just believe it. 99% of cheaters like your paramour say the marriage is bad. They all do. it's a cliché at this point. And dopes like you all insist that we don't know all the facts and somehow you do, so it makes it okay.

You think she's going to tell you she cheated on her husband before. You really are naïve.

here's the think, you claims it's love...but you don't love her. If you truly loved her you wouldn't put her in the position and you certain wouldn't create the potential to cause harm to her kids will always be more important than you.

You seem to really think you are the first person that this has ever happened to. You aren't a good person. She isn't a good person.

We are reading his response correctly. On one hand he is proud no one condones it and on the other hand he is hooking the OP up with literally the only person on this thread that does condone it.

Ios the Lessor wrote:

5/10. Got a few pages of bites.

If not a troll, this is sad. He just came for affirmation of his escalation of commitment. As another poster wrote the oxytocin buzz they both have (plus the excitement of forbidden fruit) are too strong to be overcome by people this week and self-focused. “We are better together”? What, as lying, cheating co-conspirators?. He posted one indignant reply of “you don’t understand” to those who critiqued him. And it’s obvious his query of “thoughts? was only for those to agree. Unfortunately, there’s little chance that this will end up well. Sorry for the kids whichever way this goes.

Yea, this needs to be emphasized. OP, realize that many people here do, in fact, understand. You're not the only one that has been head over heels in love - thinking it's your life long soul mate. Many of us here have felt that and have both succeeded in pursuing and failed in pursuing. What you're experiencing isn't "divine" or "special". It's "human" and many of us know exactly what it is.

At this point in time, what you are doing is setting yourself up for failure in my opinion. She needs to get divorced and get her sh*t together if her situation in marriage is really that bad - and only then can you consider a future together if her feelings are still the same after all that. Also, as other posters have stated, you need to recognize that you aren't just going to be having her in your life, you'll be having the kids, and their father as part of your responsibility now too. You realllyyyyyyyy need to think about if you can handle that. It will inevitably come out that you knew each other before the divorce and either you're going to have to lie, or come clean which could be another hole bag of problems....

Peace is greater than lustful chasing. Leave all the troubles you could create for her, the husband, the children and yourself and enjoy being at peace and free. Lusting for someone is a pain. Be free and at peace.

You are not comfortable moving forward with the D word largely because of the kids? Yet, you have no problem carrying on an extramarital affair with these same kid's mother? If you cannot see how messed up that is, then there is no getting through to you.

If you care so much about the kids, think about how things will be when the affair becomes public knowledge, and it will, and you and their mother are blamed for the marriage break up.

Obviously, you are just here to find that one person who is on your side Basically, every reply has given similar or the same advice. Yet, you come back to try and justify your behavior.

A bit of advice. Doing the right thing rarely is the easy thing to do. Much easier for you to continue this relationship although it isn't the right thing to do.

Assuming everything she tells you about the marriage is true, then getting a divorce is the right thing to do, although it is not the easiest thing to do.

I didn't realize I was putting someone who condoned it in touch with the OP. I thought it was just someone who had been through something similar. That being said, the OP has asked that I take down the thread writing: "All of the responses are essentially telling me I'm terrible and to end things, which is fine. I'm not bothered by that. I was looking for feedback, and I got it. I am thinking over things. I don't see any need for the thread to remain up and more people to say the same thing. The points have been made." I wrote them back and said that I don't think taking the thread down is appropriate but will prevent new posts from appearing here. Here is what I wrote.

So at 5 pm EST. I'm locking this thread to new posts.

If the OP had any guts or glory, he'd tell his cheater-wife girlfriend, "Divorce your husband to be with me, tell him about us, or I'm leaving you." But instead he's in this sad state of longing for this woman who's using him (while he's using her) without anyone having the guts to own up with what they're actually doing.

Man up and tell her to divorce her husband, tell him about your affair, or you leave her.

GettingFasterDude wrote:

If the OP had any guts or glory, he'd tell his cheater-wife girlfriend, "Divorce your husband to be with me, tell him about us, or I'm leaving you." But instead he's in this sad state of longing for this woman who's using him (while he's using her) without anyone having the guts to own up with what they're actually doing.

Man up and tell her to divorce her husband, tell him about your affair, or you leave her.

Nah, dude needs to man up and walk away from this entirely, forever.

Ok...I'm going to have to speak out to my shame, but for your salvation.

I have experienced terror that you cannot imagine which is the direct result of having been encountering, and seeing, the spiritual reality of adultery and this drove me to a total conviction of the truth that is in the Bible.

I destroyed a marriage through adultery many years ago and continued the relationship. There is no way to describe the guilt, the grief, nor the consequences which are both worldly, and unfortunately open the door to things that cannot be understood.

My wife has never been able to deal with betrayal and has never softened, and our son has been the innocent victim and she disappeared with from 6y ago so I do not even know how he is, other than growing up without a father and with a deeply wounded woman.

4y ago, I married a young woman and shortly after we married, the most terrifying things manifest that leave me in no doubt as to spiritual realities and everything that is warned of in the Bible. I will leave out the details to keep to the point and that is;

The intended design of creation was one man and one woman for life within a marriage. That marriage is joined by God and violating that through adultery has worldly consequences that are horrific. and eternal consequences that are terrifying.

Anything that is leading you into sin against God - which this situation most certainly is, is straight from hell. Following through with this situation will destroy a marriage, a family, and it is extremely likely that you will find out the truth about this woman once that is accomplished.

The devil is real and beyond our comprehension, but please, I urge you with everything, walk away from this now, and if you can find it in yourself now, turn to Christ.

I should balance that with some hope though. The Bible is also clear that God, your creator, knows your struggles, cares for you, and that when you seek first His righteousness (as opposed to following our own ways and the ways of the world), His blessings and provision will be brought forth.

Underneath these situations always lie our wounds, our loneliness, our fears etc. These are manipulated by (unseen) spiritual forces to keep us looking anywhere but God, continuing to suffer, and to cause more suffering. God is faithful to bind up our wounds and to lead us into the way of life in which we find healing and receive His blessing.

I can only say that I am someone that deeply resented Christian faith and it was the last thing that I wanted to accept as truth, but I am absolutely convinced and that God's are for our good in this life and eternally.