Post-nuptial shutoff?

JC85 wrote:

she is nothing better than a bedroom toy that doesn't need batteries.

jeez, you make that sound like it's wrong or something

Those that don't think they will shut you off are naive.....Just the way it goes I guess. Perhaps marriages should be 5 year renewable contracts instead of for life....

We were together 12 years... 3 months before the wedding it slowed a bit. Then we went 10 years doing it once every 4-6 weeks... me doing all the work. Nothing but granny panties. Wouldn't talk to me for an entire Christmas vacation one year because I bought her bikini panites... not thongs, not g-strings. bikini briefs.

Then one morning she announced "I've never liked oral sex, I'm not going to do that any more." Note, she did that once or twice a year.

Another 2 years of therapy and we're divorced.

NOW... she spent the summer with her new lover, running around in g-strings. Maybe it was just me all tose years... but I'm guessing he's in for a bait and switch worse than what she did to me.

After we had kids, things slowed to a crawl. But as they got older, the sex life didn't improve (it takes two to make that work admittedly) and we just drifted apart. I never thought we would get divorced, just thought it was a rough patch. When she said she didn't have feelings for me I suggested marriage counseling, which she agreed to. We tried for 17 months with two different therapists. Didn't work. I just learned that the main reason it didn't was that she reconnected with an old high school flame just prior to the first counseling sessions. It hurts worse, but now I understand why therapy didn't work.

My advice to all the married folks out there - don't let it get to this point. Keep the lines of communication open. Get to therapy early and stay there until you work things out openly and honestly. Twenty years of marriage down the drain - learn from someone who is going through it now.

Uncle Pervy wrote:

NOW... she spent the summer with her new lover, running around in g-strings. Maybe it was just me all tose years....

Um, yes, it was you. But you could never see that could you? That seems to be the pattern here.

Take a look at yourself. That's advice my to all you shut-off letsrunners, but not one single person here has taken responsibility for their situation.

Women do like sex. Trust me.

Guys we have testosterone pumping through our system constantly which makes us want sex like the air we breath. Women are dry. Estrogen doesn't do anything. Of course my wife won't see a doctor or wear any kind of patch so biologically I'm screwed. It doen't matter how nice I am or how many dates or flowers - at the end of the night she isn't interested. Vacations don't even work anymore. She is more of a roommate to me now. All work and no sex. Separate bedrooms. Where did all this go wrong?Women don't realize that sex to us is intimacy. I still have some fantasies left.

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Um, yes, it was you. But you could never see that could you? That seems to be the pattern here.

... perhaps it was. (although, honestly I don't think so) Or maybe it's her not wanting the next relationship to end like the previous. Either way I agree with the guy above you... As soon as things start going badly... talk, therapy, more talk.

Women do like sex... When, where, and how they like it. Sadly, that's not always matching up to their mates.

oldtymerunner wrote:

jeeze this is depressing thread.. but damn it's true. my wife (13 yrs of marriage)has just turned into a non-sexual being. She's attractive, pretty, only 38 yrs old- but she does not even think about sex, or sexual things. She will actually put "sex" on a weekend To Do list. How freaking sad is that? She has to be reminded to have sex with me!

Damn. Thank god for 'net porn.

Probably more common than you think. A woman's "to do" list is generally endless.

the comeback queen wrote:

Uncle Pervy wrote:

NOW... she spent the summer with her new lover, running around in g-strings. Maybe it was just me all tose years....

Um, yes, it was you. But you could never see that could you? That seems to be the pattern here.

Take a look at yourself. That's advice my to all you shut-off letsrunners, but not one single person here has taken responsibility for their situation.

Women do like sex. Trust me.

True, however, while some women share it, other women simply use it. Some women can be incredibly dishonest and opportunistic. Pervy's ex will undoubtedly pull the same b&s on the new guy.

It's a fairly common pattern.

25yrs of marriage and we are at 2 sometimes 3x's a week.

I can't imagine it being better.

sorry to hear sad stories wrote:

25yrs of marriage and we are at 2 sometimes 3x's a week.

I can't imagine it being better.

so who is the one who drives this? is it her(or him if you are female) or you most of the time? do you schedule it or talk about it or does it just happen?

would like to hear a success story on this thread.

Divorced after 12 years and much of the above; but I would say the shutoff came at 9-10 years and was due to stress and crisis on her part and me not handling it well.

I have been following this thread and feel compelled to finally contribute because I am now almost 3 years into a relationship and unbelievable sex with a beautiful woman.

I have carefully discussed and considered her history with her ex-husband, who was the only guy she ever had sex with (18 year marriage) and I believe he was the issue in the marriage and shut himself off after years of alcoholism and a significant affair. (I know him as well)

Her sexuality is far superior to my ex at her best, pre-kids, pre-marriage, but would things change after marriage even though we are both >40, done with kids, etc?

Any 2nd-timers who have had great success in this area 2nd time around?

I never thought I would say this because I belive in marriage, but what is the point 2nd time?

Uncle Pervy wrote:

We were together 12 years... a bait and switch....

She was not impressed with your way of dicking. You failed deliver orgasms regularly so she had to go elsewhere to get some because she, like all women, loved sex but not your inadequate version of it.

After 12 years, doing my wife is still a pleasure.

Of course doing the office underling is also a pleasure, doing that girl at the Excelsior was a pleasure, doing any old girlfriend I can talk into doing is a pleasure, doing the little league moms is a pleasure, doing the chicks my finance pimp tosses my way is a pleasure, and if I can pull it off, doing the babysitter would be a great pleasure.

I've always imagined the 2nd marriage is the stree-free, kidless, end of career ladder climbing, financial worry-free version of marriage and that sex would be more consistent because of fewer day to day stressors, but I could be wrong.

1st Timer wrote:

I've always imagined the 2nd marriage is the stree-free, kidless, end of career ladder climbing, financial worry-free version of marriage and that sex would be more consistent because of fewer day to day stressors, but I could be wrong.

I am still newly divorced but I do not see what getting married would do for me that I could not do with a partner without getting married. The tax benefits are not that great. Insurance would depend on your employer, though somewhat more available for spouses than others. You can create your own legal partnerships, durable powers of attorney, wills, joint property agreements, etc. No need for marriage for any of that. I can't see myself ever getting married again.

By not getting married you will avoid the post-nuptial shut-off.

What was Al Bundy just a fictional character? Surely there are some stories out there of women who clamor for it and men who won't respond. Let's hear them....please.

doglips wrote:

Guys we have testosterone pumping through our system constantly which makes us want sex like the air we breath. Women are dry. Estrogen doesn't do anything. Of course my wife won't see a doctor or wear any kind of patch so biologically I'm screwed. It doen't matter how nice I am or how many dates or flowers - at the end of the night she isn't interested. Vacations don't even work anymore. She is more of a roommate to me now. All work and no sex. Separate bedrooms. Where did all this go wrong?Women don't realize that sex to us is intimacy. I still have some fantasies left.

Yes, sex to men is intimacy . . . but intimacy to women is intimacy! If you want sex, you have to approach her emotionally. Be nice! And be nice just to be nice, not because you expect sex -- she will sense that. In order to do that, you will have to let go of your resentment. Also, be affectionate without it turning into a sexual advance everytime. If a hug or kiss always turns into an attempt for sex, she will shut you off even more. You both need to realize this: men need to be affectionate to get sex, women need to give sex in order ro receive affection. It's a conundrum for sure. But someone needs to get the ball rolling, no pun intended -- it may as well be you.

While all of that is understood, women need to grasp the concept that men...at least sometimes....just want to "get to it" and not go through what to them is a song and dance every time the situation comes up. By "get to it" I don't mean a wham bam thank you mam exercise. What I refer to is something like at 5pm making it seem like your all set for some after dinner relations and then simply because the newspaper boy threw the afternoon paper on the wrong side of the walkway, we have to start the entire process of courtship over again. This is a common theme with married men regarding their wives....and of course I exaggerate to illustrate the point but it's very frustrating for men to constantly have to deal with.