I've dated a near full spectrum of women and found no correlation whatsoever between physical appearance and libido. This is obviously my own personal experience and not statistically valid. I also found that really small breasted women tend to more libidnic.
The Ref wrote:
I also found that really small breasted women tend to more libidnic.
Maybe less breast tissue means higher levels of circulating testosterone.
Ante up wrote:
You've answered the question. Yes you're a whore, and a loser with no self respect. Enjoy your jewelry.
So I should have said no? Why is what I did any different from a wife indulging her husband's fantasies in other ways? Toys, bondage, etc. Aren't you all saying wives need to make more effort to keep their men happy in the bedroom? Is it the fact that the other woman he wanted me to pretend to be is real the problem? I didn't ever think he would take the fantasy out of our bedroom. I thought all the ass-slapping was helping him get over her.
one word: FLESHLIGHT
Crudely put, tell him your fantasy is to use a 12" neon cylindrical sex object on him and see if he goes for it. Then he will realize what a pricktard he is.
I wonder if this is a generational thing - I'm 21 and have sex with my girlfriend anywhere from 1-3 times per day. We've been like this for 3 years now.
For any of the guys who are getting shut off - what was the frequency BEFORE marriage?
dude, you are 21 and unmarried... we've all had that, this wasn't called the pre-nuptial shut off thread
ElGWannaB wrote:
I wonder if this is a generational thing - I'm 21 and have sex with my girlfriend anywhere from 1-3 times per day. We've been like this for 3 years now.
For any of the guys who are getting shut off - what was the frequency BEFORE marriage?
Ages,
You need to set up an agreement. One time per week. Even pick the night. I had to do that and it actually is good for the relationship. Some wifes need the structure but once they start they find out they really weren't that tired afterall.
Yes duty servicing is demeaning but its better than nothing.
And I laughed about your comment about the "the old ways" I rediscovered that 5 years after marriage.
say its not so wrote:
And I laughed about your comment about the "the old ways" I rediscovered that 5 years after marriage.
"Old ways?"
Ref,
Please see my post on page 19 of this thread. Written over a year and a half ago, it is still accurate for my wife and me as we close in on 29 years of marriage.
Sex is messy.
ElGWannaB wrote:
I wonder if this is a generational thing - I'm 21 and have sex with my girlfriend anywhere from 1-3 times per day. We've been like this for 3 years now.
For any of the guys who are getting shut off - what was the frequency BEFORE marriage?
Anywhere's from 1-3 times per day. Now after 14 years, I'm lucky if it's 1-3 times per year.
Whorified wrote:
Ante up wrote:You've answered the question. Yes you're a whore, and a loser with no self respect. Enjoy your jewelry.
So I should have said no? Why is what I did any different from a wife indulging her husband's fantasies in other ways? Toys, bondage, etc. Aren't you all saying wives need to make more effort to keep their men happy in the bedroom? Is it the fact that the other woman he wanted me to pretend to be is real the problem? I didn't ever think he would take the fantasy out of our bedroom. I thought all the ass-slapping was helping him get over her.
I don't care what you did in the past to try and please him, you now know he did/ will cheat on you. Anyone with an ounce of self respect would be out the door. Woman or man.
Whorified,
I am sorry for your situation. Indulging your husband's fantasies is, at least in some sense, admirable. It is, in my mind at least, admirable up to the point that those fantasies are not degrading to the other part involved. While role playing has never really been part of that for me I don't have any conceptual problem with it. Pretending to be another woman that he has been intimate with would certainly seem degrading to me and not appropriate. It does not appear that you viewed it that way at the time or were fully aware of the nature of all of that.
At this point he has cheated on you. Staying with him in this situation should not be an option. If you wish to stay with him I advise going to marriagebuilders.com and reading all about the options for adultery (Plan A and Plan B). It will be painful but it is possible to rebuild a relationship after adultery. It will in all likelihood involve you telling his parents, your friends, your minister and anybody else involved in your life. Staying because he is a good provider and you like your life with somebody who is respectable in the church is not a realistic option, you will hate yourself and lose all self-respect. You have already started down this road by stating that you don't think there is anybody else who would have you. You have to love yourself first.
I was emotionally and physically abused in my marriage. I had extremely low self-esteem. It is a joy to learn to be happy with who you are. It is necessary if you are ever going to be in a healthy relationship.
Thank you Bitter Divorced Guy. When I realized he was cheating, all of the role playing did seem degrading. But honestly until that moment I thought the bedroom banter was a good thing. He claims the other women were primarily to blame for his indiscretions, but one of the women was just someone he met at the hotel bar while he was traveling, so I'm not sure I believe he wasn't out there looking.
He will never go to counseling and wants to keep his private life private. We were having sex 5-6 times a week for more than 10 years, so there was no shut off and I am still dealing with a cheater. I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point.
Whorified wrote:
He claims the other women were primarily to blame for his indiscretions, but one of the women was just someone he met at the hotel bar while he was traveling, so I'm not sure I believe he wasn't out there looking.
He will never go to counseling and wants to keep his private life private. We were having sex 5-6 times a week for more than 10 years, so there was no shut off and I am still dealing with a cheater. I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point.
On blaming other women--horseshit. You know that and I know that and everybody knows that. These women were not forcing him to have sex at gunpoint.
On the second paragraph--Of course he wants to keep his private life private. He doesn't want people to see who he really is and what he has really done. Again, go to Marriage builders and read about Plan B. Also (and I say this as somebody whose own Christian faith has been rocked to the core by my own divorce and no longer know if I believe any of this but I am appealing to your own standards) read what Jesus says to Nicodemus in John 3:20 and 21 about keeping actions private.
Ages.Sounds a lot like me 6 years ago! But then I met someone else. We took our kids to the same Saturday activity and had 3 hours to burn while kids were in class. We developed a friendship that has turned into more and because of it I have left my wife and kids and married this other woman.I love her but I regret ever opening that door and letting her into my life because I love my kids and I miss them. I miss my ex- on occasion but I doubt I could ever live with her again. Too much has happened.So, like you, 10 years ago I preached total sacrifice for the family; just put your head down and get on with it. But things change and we change. The wife was busy with her activities and the kids grew and had their friends and things to do. I then was just the guy that worked and paid for everything.I think the post-nuptial shut off is wrong and it fosters a growing rift or divide between husband and wife; one that another woman will fill if the wife is not careful. More than that though, sex brings a husband and wife closer together. Hopefully, this won't happen in my second marraige.
Ages? wrote:
I think we need to start posting ages of posters here. Honestly, my viewpoint on this has changed significantly since I turned 42 or so. I also have two kids; 10 and 12.
When I was 30, I would have told you there was NO WAY I would ever consider having sex outside of my marriage. I'm sure I even argued the point many times how hurtful it is to families.
Now, I can easily see why so many guys do it. I would if I wasn't so caught up with religion. I've had sex once in 2008. Yep, once. That is pathetic. And there is no way I would consider divorce. I actually love my wife, would not consider leaving her ever. Who would want me? And I'm very happily married. We enjoy going out, we enjoy sports together, and we have tons of married friends. We just don't have sex together.
To be truthful, I consider it a huge sacrifice on my end that I don't pester my wife for sex. She does not work, she volunteers at school, and has a lot of time to work out. I stopped asking and would never consider begging, for sex years ago. Around 40 or so. And my wife stopped needing sex when #2 was born. On that day.
say its not so wrote:
Ages,
You need to set up an agreement. One time per week. Even pick the night. I had to do that and it actually is good for the relationship. Some wifes need the structure but once they start they find out they really weren't that tired afterall.
Absolutely. My wife and I have nights scheduled through the week and I'd say at least half the time she's the one who comes to me to get my...um...attention. She says if it wasn't scheduled she'd never make sure that the kids were all fully taken care of so we can go unbothered for an hour or so.
I may completely misinterpret signals from the opposite sex but women don't operate like men when it comes to sex. Men want sex all of the time. Women, who are attached, still need to be warmed up prior to the "want" really kicking in. In my case my wife appears to be aware of it and knows she'll warm up after a while even when she doesn't initially feel like it. Again...with women...the "attached" part is very important.
Sometimes it's a hassle for men to have to go through what appears to be a game in order to warm the woman up because there are days when men just want to get it done but that's what we've been dealt with.
Whorified wrote:
Thank you Bitter Divorced Guy. When I realized he was cheating, all of the role playing did seem degrading. But honestly until that moment I thought the bedroom banter was a good thing. He claims the other women were primarily to blame for his indiscretions, but one of the women was just someone he met at the hotel bar while he was traveling, so I'm not sure I believe he wasn't out there looking.
He will never go to counseling and wants to keep his private life private. We were having sex 5-6 times a week for more than 10 years, so there was no shut off and I am still dealing with a cheater. I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point.
Man lady, if you were having sex with him 5-6 times a week, and he still needs more on top of that, then he for sure has a problem. You cannot put up with him sleeping around -- even if you decide that morally you are ok with it, if you support it then you can never have sex with him again. Who knows what he'll bring home -- chlamydia, herpes, HIV, some crazy woman who flattens your tires, etc. I'll echo what someone else said -- no woman is holding a gun to his head. Most married men have been hit on at some point or another. Takes a man with BALLS to say no.
Your husband has a sexual addiction. I'm using the broad general definition of if what you do has adverse affects on other parts of your life, then you have an addiction that needs to be addressed. This does NOT excuse his behavior in any way. If you do nothing then you are an enabler. MARRIED men aren't suppose to go bang anything that moves. His behavior is one of a man who is NOT married. If I were you, since he seems unwilling to work on solutions, I would help him become not married. You are a woman in your 40s who is willing to give it up to your man 5-6 times a week. LOTS of single, divorced, etc. men out there who would like to be with you.
ewwwwwww wrote:
Sex is messy.
Only if done right.