Post-nuptial shutoff?

You should only feel that way if you stay with him, otherwise its his problem.

I think we need to start posting ages of posters here. Honestly, my viewpoint on this has changed significantly since I turned 42 or so. I also have two kids; 10 and 12.

When I was 30, I would have told you there was NO WAY I would ever consider having sex outside of my marriage. I'm sure I even argued the point many times how hurtful it is to families.

Now, I can easily see why so many guys do it. I would if I wasn't so caught up with religion. I've had sex once in 2008. Yep, once. That is pathetic. And there is no way I would consider divorce. I actually love my wife, would not consider leaving her ever. Who would want me? And I'm very happily married. We enjoy going out, we enjoy sports together, and we have tons of married friends. We just don't have sex together.

To be truthful, I consider it a huge sacrifice on my end that I don't pester my wife for sex. She does not work, she volunteers at school, and has a lot of time to work out. I stopped asking and would never consider begging, for sex years ago. Around 40 or so. And my wife stopped needing sex when #2 was born. On that day.

We have kids, and I've already been divorced once before and want to stay married this time. I like the lifestyle. Just not sure where I went wrong. I do everything he tells me to in the bedroom.

You sound a like a decent woman who got caught up with a slimy guy... if you are being seriousroll playiing- he asked you to play the role of other women. I for one would be offended by that if I were you. Maybe it is just me but if my wife asked me to play the role of her ex, let's just say it wouldn't go over too well

i'm 30... we have sex a few times a week (been married two years)anyway, not to be a therapist about this but have you ever told your wife this exact paragraph below... what do you think she would sayhave you ever conveyed to her that you can see why men cheat even though you love her deeply???

Ages? wrote:

To be truthful, I consider it a huge sacrifice on my end that I don't pester my wife for sex. She does not work, she volunteers at school, and has a lot of time to work out. I stopped asking and would never consider begging, for sex years ago. Around 40 or so. And my wife stopped needing sex when #2 was born. On that day.

I am late forties now and am serious. I also have that "who would want me" feeling with regard to leaving him and starting over. He made the role playing sound like fun in the beginning. Now it just feels degrading and I feel like a fool. He has all sorts of excuses for his extra-marital behavior, and says he can't help himself. Our conversations often leave me feeling sorrier for him than myself.

as an outside observer first thing you need to do is stand up for yourself and have faith in yourself.... even if no one wants you, who cares, you can be strong on your own. you certainly deserve someone who degrades you in the bedroom, cheats and then says he can't help himself.maybe you should stay with him long term, i don't know but late 40s... every day you don't leave will make it harder to leavein your 40s there is still time to meet others

Whorified wrote:

I am late forties now and am serious. I also have that "who would want me" feeling with regard to leaving him and starting over. He made the role playing sound like fun in the beginning. Now it just feels degrading and I feel like a fool. He has all sorts of excuses for his extra-marital behavior, and says he can't help himself. Our conversations often leave me feeling sorrier for him than myself.

Thanks for the advice. It is hard to imagine a different life. As degrading as it feels in the relationship, we do have a social life around town thanks to his involvement in sports, and he is committed to his church, despite his private behavior being quite the opposite of what the church teaches. He gives me jewelry from time to time, so maybe he does love me. I'm just not sure how far I am willing to go with the sex games anymore. He won't go to couples counseling and says it will be the end of our marriage if we get counseling.

If what you're saying is true, which I don't believe it is, then you are in an abusive relationship and you are behaving like an abused woman. Read your post again and see what's wrong with it on so many levels.

Yep, I've had this discussion. Somewhere about 2 years after #2 was born, I got tired of being told no. So we had the priority discussion. I told her sex was important to me. She told me having a nice secure home was important to her and it was important that we had a strong father figure in the home. So, she committed to having sex once per week. That lasted about 2 weeks. Then it was back to normal. About 3 months later, we had the discussion again. Our agreement lasted about 2 weeks again. About 3 months later, we had it again. You can get the picture here.

The 12 week cycle lasted about 3 years. No joke. Until I finally stopped ever initiating sex. I wanted to see how long we could go before she even said anything. We went 9 months. One night, she said 'why don't we have sex anymore?' I about died. So, I explained that I did not want her to ever feel like she was having sex for me and I was never going to beg for sex. She understood and made a point that we would have sex weekly....even picked out a night. How sad is that.

That lasted about 2 weeks.

Now, we're about 7 years into the no-sex lifestyle. I have actually gotten used to it. I hate to admit that I am back to my 'old ways' if you can read between the lines but it's true. And I've come to grips with it.

I think it is OK that she does not want to have sex. It's the way women are. I also think it's OK for men to WANT to have sex. It's the way men are.

I don't want to go to counseling. I am happily married. We just don't have sex together.

To the lady who's husband makes you role play. You have done nothing wrong. Men are just that way. We want to have sex with everyone. Even if you say, 'let's have sex,' within 10 minutes of that being over, we want to have sex again. With anyone. I wish women understood this more.

no, she didn't do anything wrong, but that form of role-playing is pretty messed up. "Act like my ex-girlfriend?" I'd get my ass thrown out of the bedroom if I requested that.

This is a brilliant thread. One of the best I've ever seen on letsrun. I'm two years into my 2nd marriage and so far, so good (we're in our thirties). The sex in marriage #1 dried up shortly after the wedding. Right at three years we were averaging once a month and I finally called "bullshit". The marriage ended very quickly after that. My 2nd wife is great. She is like a guy in how she needs sex. She claims she's always been that way and that it is a requirement in marriage for her. But our baby is due in six weeks (her 2nd) and this thread scares the crap out of me. She's wanted sex throughout the pregnancy and I have no reason to believe it will stop after, but I know the odds are against me. If the sex dries up this time around I will become clinically depressed. Is this part of the human condition? I love the thread but I sure hope I don't fall in line with other married men. I haven't read all the posts here. Are there any examples of long marriages with regular, fulfilling sex?

Guys, when one marries it's supposed to be for keeps.

Gals, see line above.

I couldn't agree more. It is supposed to be for keeps. But listen, there are expectations each brings to the table. At some point a partner is in violation of the marriage contract for blatantly violating those expectations. What man would agree to marry a woman who would tell him up front she won't have sex with him after marriage? What woman would agree to marry a man would tell her he was going to gain 75lbs in the first five years of marriage? I find it a little funny when a woman withholds sex for literally YEARS and then plays the innocent victim when her husband is unfaithful. The truth in that situation is that BOTH were wrong and unfaithful.

I feel like I am much like your second wife, however, I am not yet married. I enjoy sexual activity on a day to day basis regularly. After reading these posts im a bit fearful that once married I will end up this way. I really feel that interaction sexually and emotionally is most definitely a part of the human condition. Without it, I feel we can become depressed and happy. It must effect men more than women if this is happening in most marriages.

Do hot women want and enjoy sex more? That's what I've found but I don't know if it's true for every woman.

I don't think that hot women necessarily want sex more but they may enjoy it more. Feeling sexier and hotter definitely heightens the pleasure for both the male and female.

Whorified wrote:

I am late forties now and am serious. I also have that "who would want me" feeling with regard to leaving him and starting over. He made the role playing sound like fun in the beginning. Now it just feels degrading and I feel like a fool. He has all sorts of excuses for his extra-marital behavior, and says he can't help himself. Our conversations often leave me feeling sorrier for him than myself.

You've answered the question. Yes you're a whore, and a loser with no self respect. Enjoy your jewelry.

Ante up, do you have any experience with this? Have you been in a long marriage? Based on your mean-spirited response, I would say you do not and have not. Go back to your internet porn, loser.