You totally did the right thing. You're right, it's best to do it now since you know the break-up will have come sooner or later. "The heart wants what it wants." The funny thing is, you'll probably meet a girl down the road who is average looking, doesn't even run, and you'll be head-over-heels in love and you won't even know why. That's just the way life is. But you definitely did the right thing here.
I think there have been some good opinions on here, and some total tool bags chime in.
My opinion is this:
I think you are doing things right. I can see where, when you first met this girl, she would seem like an awesome girl to date. She was a fast runner, good looking, fun to be around, etc. etc. As you dated her longer, and started living with her, your feelings were not developing like hers were. Does this mean you should have broken up with her then? No. I think it is fine the way things played out. It sounds like you never really led her on.
Going forward this is what I think you should do:
Just go through the motions of every day life. Go to work, run, hang out with you friends. You don't have to good out looking to meet someone, and I would highly advise against it. I would take some time to see if you miss having her in your life, but not as a friend, but more as a life partner. See if you start to feel like you can't live without her, and not as a security blanket. But don't do anything dumb to blow a chance of having her back, and hope that she doesn't either. If it works out in the future, great. If not, then rest assured knowing you did the right thing.
Also, I like to think that it is almost dangerous for 2 competitive runners to date. I know some have made it work, but more have failed I'm sure. I think what is important is finding someone who is passionate about SOMETHING, that way they can understand you have a passion. As long as they support you and you support them, all will be good.
Good Luck!
I think you made the right choice not only for you but for her as well. I stuck it out with a girl who I felt OK about for FOUR years. I wish I'd ended it sooner.
yetanotherchick wrote:
But he was dumb as could be (and I heard that he recently ran a 6 hour marathon!) Besides that, we don't share the same political or religious beliefs, don't enjoy the same kinds of music or TV shows, and he doesn't like to read at all. And I think he became a cop.
I understand this, though to me that would = NOT hot at all.
:)
You should apply the 12 bonk rule.
yetanotherchick - Thank you for your post @ Big Z. Couldn't agree with you more... Plus, his suggestion doesn't even apply to me. I don't want marriage anytime soon. Why should I base my decision on him settling? fckin stupid.
also, you @ J.R. ...yes, there is a difference btwn wanting to sleep with someone and wanting to be with someone for the rest of my life. When I started dating this girl, I did not want to just sleep with her. As I mentioned, I am not the one to date around, I if I like someone after the first couple times we hang out. I liked her, I wanted to date her, I made that commitment.
You're story about the 6-hour marathoner is hilarious. literally laughing out loud.
CanadaRnr - Thanks bud. You may be right about the average-looking nonrunner, but that sounds awful. haha
775 - Thanks for your opinion! I don't feel like an asshole after reading your post. She was totally someone I wanted to date and pursue at the time and now things have changed. You are the first person (of those that agreed "Im not an idiot") to say I haven't led her on at all so far.
Good advice on getting over it. However, it's not over until the fat lady sings. I still owe it to her to sit down and talk. Closure. I know she will still push for us to work things out. So I have to man-up one way or the other. Commit or get out.
On 2 competitve runners dating ... Don't know if I agree. We work on that level. One reason (just one reason!) I want to stay with her is because I know my running/training will go very well.
good for you - that's exactly what I don't want.
long sox - don't know the rule. but i can guess. haha
J.R. - J freakin R... "What kinds of "feelings" were those, feelings of sexual attraction?" ....Yes, but not just that. Everything, I felt connected in every way. Our relationship was not based purely on sexual feelings. Trust me.
"But that would be her choice not yours. It is not your place to make choices for her." ...You're right, but I hate being an Ahole. ughhh
"Then perhaps it's not the time to make a potentially life altering decision. One reason for being in a relationship is to discover the answers to these questions." ... But I haven't found out the answers to these questions so far. Why should I hang on to the idea that I'll find them out later. And even if I do, what if the answer is to move on? Then, I've wasted my time.
"Before moving on, I think it would be a good idea to pursue your concerns with her, to see if they can be resolved in the meantime." ... I plan to pursue my concerns with her. I am going to be completely honest with her and if that is the case, then I think we are over. I don't think she will/should take me back. However, if we call it quits for good tomorrow or the next day and I feel like a total fcking idiot 2 weeks from then, I truly believe I can get her back.
So, what's the harm in ending things now and seeing how it plays out?
I'm heading to bed. I'll post the updated count tomorrow morning.
Thanks everyone!
Ask yourself if you think your life will be better with her than it would be without her. If the answer is yes, stick it out. If the answer is no, stay broken up.
Better or not with her? wrote:
Ask yourself if you think your life will be better with her than it would be without her. If the answer is yes, stick it out. If the answer is no, stay broken up.
This is like the worst advice. Might as well through some other cliche's like "can you live with her, can you live without her?" Obviously it's better to have some piece of @$$ then none. And in his case, also having a trainer partner as opposed to no training partner. Its better to have someone to come home to than an empty apartment.
What he has to do is figure out what causes a "spark" for him. The only way he can find out is to date other women. He needs to "define the spark". Fortunately he says he felt the "spark" before, so he has to analyze it and define it so you know what to look for in a girl as opposed to randomly dating girls left and right.
The "on paper" stuff (looks, education, career) is nice, but what did it for me was an "attitude"/charisma a girl had as well as a certain level of "vulnerability"/humility to imply that she needed you "as a man" (doing mechanical chores, moving furniture, just giving a hug, or crudely-laying the wood). But that's me and I digress...
This whole thing of potentially not finding someone "better" (faster, prettier) is BS. "The one" may be slower, may be less pretty, but she will be the one you look forward to hanging out with. It's all about the "IT" factor and what it is for you.
Good luck to the OP. It may take a while (1 to 10 years) to find "the one", but always stay positive and upbeat in the search and you should do just fine.
Well you've already made your decision but here goes:
As you lived together, if you spend a week apart and don't really miss her then you don't love her
Having said that if you reverse that if a girl says 'we need a break' its over
So its over but you can afford to give it a week to check. Don't waste her time after that
ps in 10 yrs you will struggle to find someone like her!
If you marry this fast chick, you might have a son as fast as Bekele or Usain Bolt! You might also have a fast daughter as well.
Does the above turn you on?
If it does, then go get her!
LOL!
I didn't read all the responses.
Here is my advice.
You are too young to begin even thinking about the long term. If something is working now, then enjoy it and don't plan.
"Whatever works" is a very important principal.
When you turn 30, you are allowed to begin to think about the long term. But you have 4 years until that point. Enjoy your time now with someone that makes you feel good. Forget everything else. Planning does not work. Enjoy the moment. Enjoy your 20s for gods sake.
'When you turn 30, you are allowed to begin to think about the long term. But you have 4 years until that point. Enjoy your time now with someone that makes you feel good. Forget everything else. Planning does not work. Enjoy the moment. Enjoy your 20s for gods sake'
..and do what most people do, get to 30 and marry whoever they happen to be dating at the time
45bcd wrote:
Nobody asked for pics? That must be some kind of letsrun record.
3 posts above yours
you did the right thing. You may also face solitude for many years to come.
Updated count:
I'm an idiot - 12 people agree
I'm not an idiot - 15 people agree
Indifferent - 7 people
Asked for the ex's contact info - 2 people
Update on my life:
I am going to text her and tell her I can meet up to talk after work. I owe it to her to sit down and talk. As of right now, my approach is to be brutally honoest with her about how I feel... improv after that.
Super busy at work. Will try and comment on some of the recent posts on my lunch break. Thanks again everyone. Very surprised to see some good advice come from this thread.
That can happen. There are a lot of hot girls, who are fun and such but you deep inside you don't love them. That's normal, love is more than that. You have a whole life yet to live, so don't worry you did what you feel was the right thing and you had the guts to do it.
But there's one thing, you could have thought about that realtionship more as SEX based relationship, and then work out how to leave her without being a jerk to her. When you date someone you don't have to marry her/him. Have you considered yet that she might not have wanted to carry out your relashionship for too long as well?
I wanna hear the outcome after you sit down to talk to her. Hopefully you wont give in if she begs for you back. At the very least, you need time to reflect on your relationship.
One guy I dated was awesome but I was always "75% sure" I'd be happy with him but the othe 25% of me was the gut feeling that there's someone else out there whose a better fit. I ended up breaking it off and it was a great decision. There was a lot of questioning whether or not I made the right decision and lots of sadness but everything worked out for the best. So far, I have never questioned my relationship with my new partner and everything is going great.
Not going to read the whole thread, but i can offer you my take and I'm willing to bet it's as solid as any thus far.
Here goes:
You made the right decision. If deep down (and apparently for you it's not even that deep down) you feel that she's just not the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, then by all means do not try to push forward. This will be wasting both your time, and she will grow increasingly attached (thus making the inevitable breakup that much harder for her). Granted, 99% of marriages boil down to companionship, but there is no reason to 'settle' for something that you just don't think is 100% right for you. It's the type of thing that you definitely would know.
On a brighter note, congrats- you must have some respectable game if you landed yourself this hottie. Given that, you will most certainly have more opportunities to meet and date other attractive/fun women. The bottom line is this: you are young. It would be a huge mistake/waste of time for you to try to force yourself (or rationalize) to try to make this work. Cut her losses, try to be kind but firm when dealing with her, but absolutely move on.
Take it from someone who has been there. You will know when that one person is right for you.
Yupppp wrote:
You are too young to begin even thinking about the long term. If something is working now, then enjoy it and don't plan.
"Whatever works" is a very important principal.
When you turn 30, you are allowed to begin to think about the long term. But you have 4 years until that point. Enjoy your time now with someone that makes you feel good. Forget everything else. Planning does not work. Enjoy the moment. Enjoy your 20s for gods sake.
This is pretty good advice.
I am totally different now than I was in my 20's, that's for sure.
I put up with a certain amount of drama then, perhaps was even attracted to that, but it would be a big turnoff now.
The things that attract me now are everyday life things, how compatible we are as to everyday living, understanding what we're saying, being accepting, respecting our space, being able to work things out that come up, cleanliness habits, work habits, exercise, absense of religious or political dogma, similar views on watching tv (none for me), food, home life vs travel, simplicity vs opulence, respect for liberty vs authoritarian views etc etc etc. Being accepting and patient helps a lot. These things don't have to be the same, and can be different (though not too much), as long as the people mesh well, so the disposition of people and how they click counts for a lot.
It depends on how long you want to wait until you become a man and stop being a boy. Long-term relationships (ie. Marriage) take a lot of work, and effort from from both sides. You aren't going to find that "perfect fit" because everyone has their flaws, and that's just something you haven't experienced first hand I guess. Sounds like you really like this girl, and it's not like you think you can't be with her "specifically" for the long-term, but sounds more like you aren't ready to be with ANYONE for the long term right now.