Get her pregnant immediately and then send an anonymous letter to the husband telling him that the kid isn't his. The marriage well dissolve naturally, leaving the victor (you) to enjoy the spoils of war.
Congratulations. Jamin would be super jelly.
Get her pregnant immediately and then send an anonymous letter to the husband telling him that the kid isn't his. The marriage well dissolve naturally, leaving the victor (you) to enjoy the spoils of war.
Congratulations. Jamin would be super jelly.
It's not necessarily gonna be all bad for the kids. Sometimes unhealthy relationships are worse to be around. I turned out alright, but it's selfish to assume anything other than that it will destroy their lives, like it does for some.
Walter H wrote:
Oh Please wrote:
Not only have I been through this, I was also married. For me this occurred in 2012. I may have even posted on LRC about some of my issues at the time. We did both divorce our spouses and got married in 2013. We are still married now.
I would be happy to converse with you in private, if you want (email or similar). It is an ugly topic and I don't want too much of my personal info out there.
I also know of several other couples this has happened to, I can give you some real honest to goodness insight into what is about to happen.
I would like to hear more and can email you or do something else if you have a better method. Post a throwaway email account and I can write you.
Also want to briefly say a few things to address some of the replies...
I have had a couple serious relationships in my life and many non-serious ones. I do not have trouble attracting women. I am old enough to know what I have here is incredibly rare, not something you can expect to find again within a decade or more, possibly a lifetime. It's not simply lust or infatuation. We have had many long, serious conversations now, spent a ton of time together. Things only get deeper and more solid the more time goes on. Generally with crushes or lust situations, the opposite is true.
People saying I'm demonizing the husband to justify my actions are simply wrong. I thought about that a lot, and if I shared the details, it would be clear to anyone that the marriage is not good, and he treats her badly. I'm not saying that justifies anything either. Just stating facts.
Also, they've been married 10.5 years, and she's never done this before. I've never done something like this before even though I've had opportunities. We very organically fell in love. People can say I'm terrible and I'm the bad guy and I'm destroying the marriage, etc. That's fine. I think that's an overly simplistic, reactionary, and unsophisticated way of viewing things though. If the marriage was good and loving, this thing with me would have never happened. It happened as a symptom or manifestation of a dead marriage. People need love. People need to feel connection, need to feel appreciated. The need for those things doesn't go away just because there's a label of marriage. I'm not trying to "justify" anything. Just saying things are not always purely black and white, good and bad, etc. We are both happier and genuinely better people together. It's not just excitement or fun or whatever. The people suggesting that's what it is strike me as people who've never had relationships that meant something beyond that. I would rather be with this one woman for the rest of my life than have all the booty in the world. There's no comparison.
So did you come here to hear what your want to hear? Or are you going to make the situation right?
Walter H wrote:
We are both happier and genuinely better people together. It's not just excitement or fun or whatever. The people suggesting that's what it is strike me as people who've never had relationships that meant something beyond that. I would rather be with this one woman for the rest of my life than have all the booty in the world. There's no comparison.
God dude, I'm sure it is easy for you to say you are "genuinely better people together." This sounds like something my college friends would have said, right before the girl they stole cheated on them. And I guess, kudos for not breaking up other marriages, even though you've had "opportunities".....???? Yikes.
Regardless of how this all happened (manifestation of a bad marriage, etc), this lady is running around on her husband and her kids. You are benefitting from this. Her home life might be terrible, but she is still betraying her family, who know her 9+ years better than you do. She is enabling this relationship through dishonesty and broken promises, yet you assume she is being honest by telling you she's "never done this before"? Why would she be honest with you? Why are you different?
Walter H wrote:
Oh Please wrote:
Not only have I been through this, I was also married. For me this occurred in 2012. I may have even posted on LRC about some of my issues at the time. We did both divorce our spouses and got married in 2013. We are still married now.
I would be happy to converse with you in private, if you want (email or similar). It is an ugly topic and I don't want too much of my personal info out there.
I also know of several other couples this has happened to, I can give you some real honest to goodness insight into what is about to happen.
I would like to hear more and can email you or do something else if you have a better method. Post a throwaway email account and I can write you.
Also want to briefly say a few things to address some of the replies...
I have had a couple serious relationships in my life and many non-serious ones. I do not have trouble attracting women. I am old enough to know what I have here is incredibly rare, not something you can expect to find again within a decade or more, possibly a lifetime. It's not simply lust or infatuation. We have had many long, serious conversations now, spent a ton of time together. Things only get deeper and more solid the more time goes on. Generally with crushes or lust situations, the opposite is true.
People saying I'm demonizing the husband to justify my actions are simply wrong. I thought about that a lot, and if I shared the details, it would be clear to anyone that the marriage is not good, and he treats her badly. I'm not saying that justifies anything either. Just stating facts.
Also, they've been married 10.5 years, and she's never done this before. I've never done something like this before even though I've had opportunities. We very organically fell in love. People can say I'm terrible and I'm the bad guy and I'm destroying the marriage, etc. That's fine. I think that's an overly simplistic, reactionary, and unsophisticated way of viewing things though. If the marriage was good and loving, this thing with me would have never happened. It happened as a symptom or manifestation of a dead marriage. People need love. People need to feel connection, need to feel appreciated. The need for those things doesn't go away just because there's a label of marriage. I'm not trying to "justify" anything. Just saying things are not always purely black and white, good and bad, etc. We are both happier and genuinely better people together. It's not just excitement or fun or whatever. The people suggesting that's what it is strike me as people who've never had relationships that meant something beyond that. I would rather be with this one woman for the rest of my life than have all the booty in the world. There's no comparison.
I give you permission to ask one of the BroJos or a moderator for my email address tied to this account. You can use this message as a reference. All my email contain my real name and I don't want to make another nor to get trolled. But seriously, I will give you every detail of my experience because I feel bad for people in this. I also do not think like most (or any) that think here.
Been there. Done that. Your girlfriend needs to get a divorce before spending 'quality time' with you. Beware of husbands who have spent a lot of time online talking about guns. In any case, even if you have no fears of the husband gunning you down, if she 'cheats' on him, she'll cheat on you. Don't be a sucker white knight. And, if she's a hottie, you can expect that she will be very high maintenance.
Lust. It’s a crazy drug
Oh Please wrote:
I give you permission to ask one of the BroJos or a moderator for my email address tied to this account. You can use this message as a reference. All my email contain my real name and I don't want to make another nor to get trolled. But seriously, I will give you every detail of my experience because I feel bad for people in this. I also do not think like most (or any) that think here.
OP. Please email me if you want their email.
robert@letsrun.com.
I'm so proud of letsrun for this thread. I expected a lot of people to condone what he's doing.
I only say +1 wrote:
arpy wrote:
Use a condom.
Every time.
+1
Nope....use a condom and pull out
In my opinion, forget her there is no other way.
hazelavery wrote:
In my opinion, forget her there is no other way.
I doubt that the OP will "forget her". But he should give up the notion that she is so damn special. There are lots of really great women out there, yet, in a way, they are all basically the same. No need to put her up on a pedistal. She isn't "the one" who you may think really gets you. That is delusional, pure projection. There is no sort of "perfect match". Everyone is complex. Everyone is flawed. It is all a matter of degree, and time. Eventually she will be an even more messed up person, when she has to share kid visitation time with the Ex. You'll have to deal with him every week. You'll have to respect his bio. father role and not get in the way of their relationship with their 'real dad'. But the kids will compare and contrast, and exploit the Disney Dad phenomena. God. I'm having flashbacks. I loved her dearly, but her situation just made my life infinitely complicated.
Back away, OP.
Walter H wrote:
I've tried writing this thread multiple times now but always end up making it too long and detailed. Long story short, I'm in love with a married woman, and she's in love with me. We didn't intend for it to happen, neither of us were seeking something like this... There's just an extremely intense connection, the strongest of both of our lives, and it was there almost literally from the first hello. We've been seeing each other for nearly a year now, and our relationship just gets deeper and deeper the more we talk and the more time we spend together... We're best friends, and honestly, at this point, I'm having a tough time envisioning my life without her.
But of course, she's married. To make matters worse, there are kids. Talking to her, it sounds like she has been unhappy for a long time, the marriage has been all but dead for a long time (years), but she has bent over backwards trying to make it work. Her husband does not treat her right at all... It's blatant. I'm not saying he's all bad, but it's definitely outside what is reasonable. She has also said her parents have never liked him, and even his relationship with his own parents is a bit strained.
Neither of us know what to do. Clearly this arrangement isn't sustainable long term, and frankly, it sucks. Her husband is a workaholic and travels a lot for work, so it's unlikely he'd ever find out, but we still only get to see each other a couple times per week and never get to do normal couple things. Plus there's the stress and the guilt from the circumstances. We both want to be together, we're both genuinely good for one another and help each other, she's unhappy in a (pretty much) dead marriage, but neither she nor I feel comfortable moving forward with the big D word largely because of the kids, and at the same time, she's made it clear that she doesn't think there's any possibility for the marriage to improve... It's very complicated. Neither of us know what is best...
Has anyone been through something like this? Anyone have any (thoughtful) advice? What about the kids and the effects of a divorce? I've heard some people say divorce can ultimately be a good thing for the kids if the parents are genuinely unhappy together, but I think that really depends on the marriage... Thoughts?
The marriage can't get any worse if she's having an affair. whether you were around or not, this marriage was not going to last. clearly the two of them are not meant to be together. they need to get a divorce.
the current situation is very unfair to all involved, and will only improve if there is a divorce.
1) the kids don't have any desire to be around a couple that doesn't love each other, and having a parent cheating on a spouse isn't doing them any favors. just because they don't know the exact details of her infidelity doesn't mean the current situation doesn't impact them. imagine someone in their school seeing the two of you together, and word spreading around an elementary or middle school about how their mom is a slut. divorce will give them closure, too. it's more normal to be divorced than to be married, with one spouse in an affair, and the other "traveling for work." also divorce can be equanimous, they can live close to each other, they can make it work. my best friend's parents are divorced, they would hang together when me and my friend were growing up together, they came to all his athletic events, they were very good parents to him, they stayed FRIENDS for the benefit of their son. at this point, that is the very best thing your lady and her husband can do for the kids.
that, and this divorce is gonna happen no matter what, eventually, so the sooner you get it over with the better.
2) the husband. even if he's a crappy dude, this is a really sucky thing to do to him. don't collect any more bad karma than you already have, it won't be good for your long term relationship with the woman who sounds like your soul mate.
3) which leads me to the most important thing for you: the woman. the longer this drags on, the more likely it is to either kill your connection or lead to long term spite. if you love her, do everything you can to make this divorce happen ASAP.
The OP hasn’t even written back. Most likely LR fan fiction.
Walk away from this situation.
Walter H wrote:
Oh Please wrote:
Not only have I been through this, I was also married. For me this occurred in 2012. I may have even posted on LRC about some of my issues at the time. We did both divorce our spouses and got married in 2013. We are still married now.
I would be happy to converse with you in private, if you want (email or similar). It is an ugly topic and I don't want too much of my personal info out there.
I also know of several other couples this has happened to, I can give you some real honest to goodness insight into what is about to happen.
I would like to hear more and can email you or do something else if you have a better method. Post a throwaway email account and I can write you.
Also want to briefly say a few things to address some of the replies...
I have had a couple serious relationships in my life and many non-serious ones. I do not have trouble attracting women. I am old enough to know what I have here is incredibly rare, not something you can expect to find again within a decade or more, possibly a lifetime. It's not simply lust or infatuation. We have had many long, serious conversations now, spent a ton of time together. Things only get deeper and more solid the more time goes on. Generally with crushes or lust situations, the opposite is true.
People saying I'm demonizing the husband to justify my actions are simply wrong. I thought about that a lot, and if I shared the details, it would be clear to anyone that the marriage is not good, and he treats her badly. I'm not saying that justifies anything either. Just stating facts.
Also, they've been married 10.5 years, and she's never done this before. I've never done something like this before even though I've had opportunities. We very organically fell in love. People can say I'm terrible and I'm the bad guy and I'm destroying the marriage, etc. That's fine. I think that's an overly simplistic, reactionary, and unsophisticated way of viewing things though. If the marriage was good and loving, this thing with me would have never happened. It happened as a symptom or manifestation of a dead marriage. People need love. People need to feel connection, need to feel appreciated. The need for those things doesn't go away just because there's a label of marriage. I'm not trying to "justify" anything. Just saying things are not always purely black and white, good and bad, etc. We are both happier and genuinely better people together. It's not just excitement or fun or whatever. The people suggesting that's what it is strike me as people who've never had relationships that meant something beyond that. I would rather be with this one woman for the rest of my life than have all the booty in the world. There's no comparison.
This isn't gardening my friend; no matter how much you try to rationalize it you cannot grow something healthy which started in sh*t. Walk away while you still can.
Walter H wrote:
The people suggesting that's what it is strike me as people who've never had relationships that meant something beyond that. I would rather be with this one woman for the rest of my life than have all the booty in the world. There's no comparison.
You may want to look into studies relating to the long term success rate of relationships that start as affairs.
If you want this thing to workout, perhaps listen to the wisdom of the crowds here and consider staying in the penalty box until your companion finalizes her divorce and re-establishes her life.
Best of luck to you and consider a prenup if you follow through with this.
Use an when the noun or adjective that comes next begins with a vowel sound.
Either ask her to get a divorce or you yourself move as far away as possible.
Marriage is no longer sacred
Kids will be just fine
Husband might kill you
And she might cheat on you too
No matter how it plays out, it’s not as bad as how it’s playing out
You literally have no idea what you are talking about. When the husband inevitably informs the children that he and the narcisstic mother engaged in an affair at the family's expense, the children could not care less if he is nice. They will view him only with resentment, and the older they get the more they will see him as someone who is vain and untrustworthy. They will also know he is disingenuine in his behavior, as he does not legitimately want a relationship with them, but is only concerned about his relationship with his fellow adulterer.
Forget her. Go out and bang some chick you meet in a bar.
Don't fall in love --- you just need some physical contact every
once in a while.