Post-nuptial shutoff?

jezus christmas - if i weren't married already, i'd ask you in a heart beat :-)you sound like one cool chick

lol. I'm not perfect by any means. It's just sad to see so many marriages/relationships fall apart because of unjustified selfishness and blame.

A great book for wives to read is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. It's truly an eye-opener and talks a lot about "post-nuptual shut off." She's right in asking why women would withold sex in their marriage instead of enjoying it. Sex isn't an "obligation" it's something that is really awesome. So, why aren't more women viewing it that way? Selfishness.

Isn't Laura Schlesinger kind of hot? Seriously.

Yep. Blazing hot: http://www.armytimes.com/xml/news/2007/05/military_drlaura_spouses_070514w/DrLaura_800p_070514.JPG

I just horked on my computer. Bleah.

mngirl...great insight...here's an insight from a guy whose been with a woman for 10 years -

shut off? try doing something romantic for your lady and see if that get you back in the door.

what do i mean by romantic? not flowers or dinner or jewelry or anything material. now i would love to hear mngirl's response here:

clean the house. dishes. floors. shower. and (gulp) toilet.

trust me, you'll both like the outcome;)

BS on DOING ERRANDS--are you Dr Phil in real life? this angle is so played out. I have done it--I am better, faster and more efficient at dishes, mopping, toilets, showers, laundry than my wife on her best day. I can bang out in 2 hr what takes her 4 and have spent many a Sat doing such in hopes of THE GIFT on Sat nite. alas 10 pm she collapses into bed and ponders aloud "why am I so tired? you did everything today!! nite honey--love ya".

Exactly-

These male posters crack me the hell up on doing chores, like its special or unique, where do they live, what year (1955)? You mean they come home and sit around while wife does chores, I mean now days with kids I dont see how you cant share every day chores. I wash dishes, cook, clean, home work with the kids, take out trash etc. Am I Superman? I dont think so. No amount of chores I do is going to "open the door"

Girl Next Door wrote:

Congratulations to all who have figured out how to make their marriages perfect. It does make one wonder why you'd be reading this thread, however.

Our marriages aren't perfect. I'm reading this thread because it does make for some interesting reading, and it may keep me from falling into some of the same traps into which others have fallen.

As to the woman who thinks that her husband would be happy with any hole and just gets his rocks off: Have you told him how you feel?

One of the turning moments in my marriage came when my wife sat me down and told her that I didn't please her during sex. Talk about a slap in the face. Hey, I was getting off all the time, but it didn't occur to me that she wasn't.

I swallowed my pride and listened to her. I then started trying to make sure that she was pleased. There are times that she's not interested, and she tell me to just use her for a quickie. Notice that she doesn't turn me down; she just doesn't want to have a long lovemaking session. Overall, after I started trying harder to please her, the quantity and quality went up.

Those of you who have been shut off for some time are going to have to work slowly and consistently to get her back in the sack. Before ditching her or whatever, ask yourself if you would still want to be with her if you couldn't have sex. Is the relationship as a whole pretty good?

" Before ditching her or whatever, ask yourself if you would still want to be with her if you couldn't have sex. Is the relationship as a whole pretty good?"

So you're saying just be appreciative for what you've got and move on?? this thread is about the lack of sex, not a lack of affability/comfort level with a spouse.

by what you're suggesting my (stay at home) wife should be just as happy with me if I quit my job to stay at home since the "relationship" would still be the "same"????

Calling the entire source of the problem to be "selfish women" is just so naive and 1950s. It takes two people to have a successful relationship. Why must the woman figure it all out to please the man? Shouldn't the man make an effort too?

I never said my marriage was miserable, I just said I am not interested in having sex with my husband because I don't feel that he really cares about fulfilling my needs. That just leads me to being turned off sexually by him. And yes, I have talked to him. I'm not as stupid as some of you make me out to be. Yes, he might look elsewhere for sex, but so could I! Men apparently look at sex as a one-shot-deal so to speak, whereas women look at it as a piece of the entire relationship pie.

Doing chores won't solve the problem, but sincerely appreciating your wife for what she does all day, noticing and complimenting her on the efforts she makes on her appearance, letting her know she's the only one you want might take you somewhere (but maybe not).

Letsrun husband wrote:

jeb wrote:

There is a book that says if you try to make at least one complement a day to your spouse it will change them (and your relationship) for the better. I recommend you give this a go.

This would be a good experiment. All letsrun husbands should try this for the next 30 days and note if the frequency increases for them. I'm starting today.

No action yet although she thanked me for being so nice to her. Here's the update if anyone cares:

1/24: Sincere thank you for driving my mother to the airport. "You have a big heart" compliment for her empathizing with one of her friends. 2 out of the blue kisses on the cheek

1/25: Surprise kiss on the cheek from behind to thank her for making the coffee. Compliment: "I like that top you're wearing, it looks great on you"

Holding out hope for the weekend

somethinge else that might be effective is to just call your wife or shoot her an email during the day, tell her you are thinking about her and that you want to have sex with her tonight. just putting that thought in a woman's mind and following it up with "setting the table" when you get home might be more effective than dancing around the issue and expecting her to take the lead.

Girl Next Door, what exactly are your needs? Are your complaints about how your husband treats you in bed (he flips you over and wordlessly starts banging, then turns over and goes to sleep when he finishes), or has he spaced out on you in other things (not helpful, not talkative, not responsible)? What did he say after you talked to him?

You want people to be supportive of you, but you're not being very clear about what your exact complaint is.

If he expresses his feelings in a way that's different than how you express your feelings, don't hold that against him. It sounds like you want verbal confirmation and compliments, and he may not be used to showing affection verbally. Look for the ways that he does show affection and reciprocate in kind, because those are the signs he recognizes. There's nothing wrong with telling him that you'd like him to verbally express his love for you more often, but you have to be clear about what you want and not expect him to change overnight. If he makes an effort, appreciate that. Tell him that you love him and let him say he loves you too. Tell him he looks nice today and let him say that you look nice too. He'll learn by mirroring your behavior, but don't expect him to have the words all ready on his own if he's not used to communicating that way. And don't force him to always communicate your way. Learn to recognize and appreciate his way of showing he loves you.

Then of course he has gained weight and doesn't compliment me anymore

It appears the clack of compliments about looks is part of it, and there are other things that have yet to be explained.

One interested thing was her hubby gaining weight. 99% of the time it is the man complaining that his partner has gained weight, not vice-versa.

But there are some common side effects to both males and females related to seeing your spouse struggle with weight -- denial, doing nothing, then working out hard for a while, then falling off the bandwagon, repeating cycle.

One thing is that chronic lack of exercise lowers libido, and lowered libido makes for not flirting or complimenting -- basically becoming lazy in the romance department. Along the same lines, being overweight also lowers one's self esteem, even if their partner never nags. Lowered self esteem in most people translates to not feeling sexy, and that carries over once again into motivation to compliment and romance their spouse.

I notice within 7 days of my spouse restarting an exercise program, her responsiveness to my flirting and my doing massage improves dramatically, so it is easy to take it from there to making love later. Conversely, when she hasn't worked out in weeks or months, she generally just wants to go to sleep at night and feels like she is getting old and going through menopause. Actually, I would call it "EXERCISE-PAUSE", which is more the truth.

Lastly, women are more sensitive than men to nagging about their weight -- within our culture, it is HIGHLY tied to self-esteem and self-worth feelings. But over time, a man can also feel less interested by nagging or disparaging weight-related remarks.

This sounds perfect in theory but how many of you guys want to hear that you need to "up your game" from a woman? You tell him what you want and his ego is bruised and backs off cause he thinks he's the bomb!

So, tell me how you a woman can tell a man that he is not satisfying her in bed without him feeling like crap?

You don't tell him that what he's doing isn't good enough, or take away the things he likes doing, just add some new things in. "You never kiss me, start kissing me now" isn't the way to tell someone what you want.

Maybe just start by getting him responsive to foreplay. Kiss him and move his hands where you want them. Let him know when he's doing something you like and tell him what you want him to do next if he gets stuck. Don't drag it out forever, get him to do the things you like for a few minutes and let things go on as normal after that. Maybe next time he'll initiate it, and if he doesn't, just start kissing him again until it becomes normal. Hopefully you'll both do special things for one another now and then, but it's more important that the things you enjoy become things you do almost automatically.

Also, take control sometimes in bed if you don't already. Focus on your own pleasure and let him know what you want by going a little wild. If he's so egotistical that he can't bear to watch you enjoying yourself in a way that's different than what he normally does, fuc... uh, just keep shutting him off?

I have this funny image (maybe not so funny if you're a guy) of this woman lying limp in bed next to her husband and suddenly saying in a slow monotone voice "I want you to kiss my neck now... please".

I know some people won't like hearing this, but its true: Women don't want to have to tell men what to do to make them happy. They want the men to think of it themselves - that is what shows the woman that the man really cares. Otherwise, every time he does it, in her mind she will think: "He is only doing this because I asked him to."

I know some of you will scream that this is just a stupid game or something, and maybe it is, but that's the way nature set it up. You've got to work hard to create a valuable relationship.

Also, the idea that "shutting-off" is about a woman trying to control a man is wrong. They are shutting off because they are not aroused. For a woman to have sex when she is not aroused can be a degrading experience for some women.

Girl Next Door wrote:

"For a woman to have sex when she is not aroused can be a degrading experience for some women.

I completely agree with this statement. I am in a longterm relationship with a great guy that I love and consider to be my best friend, but he doesnt ever turn me on anymore (and I'm young- early 20s) I still have sex with him because I care for him and know that my lack of interest is hard on him, but the experience is completely one-sided and I end up feeling dirty and used even though logically I know he cares about me and would give anything to be able to please me.