Post-nuptial shutoff?

I find this baffling - he doesn't care who it ispardon my french but bullshitand sorry to be so blunt but in your terms - the guy cared enough that he gave up all other holes for just your holehe cared enough to say, marry me and till death do us part remember the sickness and health bit? i'm pretty sure him putting on a few pounds was in there as wellbut forget all of that for a secondyou shutting off sex - how does he have any idea that that is in response to him being cold unless you talk to himif you had more frequent sex my guess would be that he wouldn't need to just get this rocks off - right now he is so starved for that, it is probably all that is on his mind when he sees youyou can shut off sex - your right absolutely but you should at the least let him know WHY you are doing it because i don't see what shutting off and not talking to him gets either of you

Girl Next Door wrote:

It started when I realized that although my husband probably loved me, I felt like he didn't really care that it was me who he was having sex with.

Girl next door, thanks for posting and being honest. I hear this all the time from my wife. However, I have never thought of having an affair or doing it with anybody just to take care of my biological needs. If I (and I bet your husband as well)felt that way, I would have been divorced or having an affair years ago. I think you may need to give your husband more credit than you think he deserves. I've been married for nearly 17 years and the intimacy is not where I want it but I've lowered my expectations and am living with it.

Also, this "shut me off" idea or game works both ways guys and ladies. My wife knows that when I really need sex and its been a long long time and I don't get it, I'm not a happy and cooperative man to be around. What does this mean. Well it means that after working a 12 hour day, I don't come home and wash dishes are fold laundry. It means I don't go out of my way to go the extra mile in helping out with the kids or chores around the house. It means I'm pissed off and not happy about not having sex in the last two weeks. It means I start doing only what I want to do. She's not in the mood for sex - well I'm not in the mood for being a helpful husband. It means if my wife doesn't get the message and start changing her attitude, I stay quiet, pissed off, and continue being a self-centered individual. After a few days, shes gets the message and the stand-off ends. No, I don't like doing this but I feel its the only way I have some control over the situation. I may not be able to change her but I certainly can change how I respond to the situation. Being shut off for longer than I can handle doesn't mean I need to be happy about it and continue to plead for something that's not happening. Take control of what you can - your response and your attitude.

Thanks guys for all your advice. I can see that I really struck a nerve with some of you, and I know that I haven't been the perfect wife. My intent in posting this was to provide some insight on why some women may be shutting off. I'm just trying to convey that a woman wants to feel that a man is having sex with her because of who she is, not what she is. Maybe that is too much to expect, it sounds like it might be. Have a nice day.

I appreciate you posting... I don't know your husband but I think you missed my point, the thing that would get me angry is that would even think that a man, a husband in fact only wants you because you are theresex is everywhere, if he was in the marriage just to get his rocks off there are other outlets if he was truly that coldbut the point is i highly doubt that that is the casewhat gets me is that you would even have those thoughts about your husband... wouldn't those thoughts have been there before you got married???sorry, your input is great and valuable to this threadmy only reaction is of course it is not too much to expect to have sex with someone who only wants to have sex with you - and maybe your husband has emotionally deserted youit is certainly a give and take, because from a man's point of view, they feel that if they are being shut off then how can they be warm and cuddly at the same time from someone who has shut them outi would be very hurt if my wife actually thought that I would be willing to have sex with anyone, maybe that is why she has never shut me off, I don't know

Girl Next Door wrote:

I'm just trying to convey that a woman wants to feel that a man is having sex with her because of who she is, not what she is. Maybe that is too much to expect, it sounds like it might be. Have a nice day.

Reading between the lines your post reads as if you haven't told him this which is a big mistake.

In general women seem to operate based on a theory that men are wired into what women need or what women want them to do. They tend to believe that we men already should know a lot of this stuff. We don't. You need affection? Tell him that. You need the laundry done? Tell him that. If he doesn't respond it's on him.

The relationship between my wife and myself improved markedly when I realized she was getting frustrated by me not responding to apparent "clues" she was giving me.....and this has nothing to do with anything physical in nature. I finally told her that if she wants something to just ask me for it and there's a better chance of it getting done than if she goes around the subject and expects me to pick up on it.

I guess I'm not surprised, just saddened by the amount of women who just flat out stop having sex with their husbands once they get married. That is your time to shine and be adventurous and truly enjoy a deeper level of intimacy with your husband. It's better to just shut them and yourself off? I don't get it. Start having sex. I can't really speak for a man, but I highly doubt your husbands want to "just do it with anybody." They married you, they want to be close to YOU. Don't let those stupid insecurities and excuses make your husband and your marriage miserable. Take some time to look at all of the great things he has done for you and how hard he works to support you. Women are just too selfish.

This is what I was trying to say - only much more eloquoent.

mngirl wrote:

I highly doubt your husbands want to "just do it with anybody." They married you, they want to be close to YOU. Don't let those stupid insecurities and excuses make your husband and your marriage miserable. Take some time to look at all of the great things he has done for you and how hard he works to support you. Women are just too selfish.

i cant believe that all girls are like this!! i have a fiance and i like to have sex and i dont think that will change when we get married. maybe you guys are just going about it (sex) the wrong way, or maybe you have all married the prissy kinds of girls or something

"Girl Next Door wrote:

I'm just trying to convey that a woman wants to feel that a man is having sex with her because of who she is, not what she is. Maybe that is too much to expect, it sounds like it might be."

This is such a cop out. I cannot believe that you are trying to get sympathy from men on this board because you have become disinterested in your husband/marriage. Your husband gained some weight. Work out with him! Gosh, tell him you want him to get fit. Help encourage weight loss. Do you think men want to have sex with a woman who just lies there and is totally tuned out? Do you think they enjoy sex when their spouse is yawning and rolling their eyes? Come on. You should know better than that. Maybe it's too much to expect that you stop making your husband out to be the bad guy when this appears to be your emotional issue. It sounds like it might be too much to expect that you take a different approach to your marriage and try to stop alienating your husband. If you are so unhappy...why do you stay married anyway? It's not fair to your husband. He could find a woman who appreciates him more.

I am sorry to be blunt, but you need a wake up call, lady.

Girl Next Door wrote:I could be any warm body with a "hole" and he would probably be perfectly happy whether it was actually me or not. That's how it felt, anyway.

Some days it feels like I could be any warm body with an "ear", as long as someone's there to listen to every last minutiae of my wife's crappy day.

girl next door, you say you want your husb to compliment you more on your nice figure, etc well if he did so you would prolly accuse him of "objectifying me" or some such.

I will never forget right after our baby was born my wife's breasts were huge at the time (breastfeeding) and one day in the kitchen she caught me staring down her blouse--she looked up and said "I appreciate the interest but how 'bout wiping down that highchair instead". there you go. so much for "noticing"

to be fair, i don't know if staring at breasts is a compliment and i don't know if you can expect an elevated sexual appetite if she just gave birthjust my reaction to your post, i could be off

10 cms wrote:

girl next door, you say you want your husb to compliment you more on your nice figure, etc well if he did so you would prolly accuse him of "objectifying me" or some such.

I will never forget right after our baby was born my wife's breasts were huge at the time (breastfeeding) and one day in the kitchen she caught me staring down her blouse--she looked up and said "I appreciate the interest but how 'bout wiping down that highchair instead". there you go. so much for "noticing"

I did not post on this thread to try to get sympathy (I'm not a masochist). Apparently the "shut-off" is a fairly common phenomenon. I was only trying to offer my own take on why it might be happening in hopes of helping some of the frustrated men out there to understand it. It is disappointing to be attacked for sharing my experience, especially since I wasn't asking for advice. If you are offended by my feelings, well then you probably have insecurities of your own. Congratulations to all who have figured out how to make their marriages perfect. It does make one wonder why you'd be reading this thread, however.

Girl Next Door wrote: Congratulations to all who have figured out how to make their marriages perfect. It does make one wonder why you'd be reading this thread, however.

You dont sound very good looking

Girl Next Door wrote:

I did not post on this thread to try to get sympathy (I'm not a masochist). Apparently the "shut-off" is a fairly common phenomenon. I was only trying to offer my own take on why it might be happening in hopes of helping some of the frustrated men out there to understand it. It is disappointing to be attacked for sharing my experience, especially since I wasn't asking for advice. If you are offended by my feelings, well then you probably have insecurities of your own. Congratulations to all who have figured out how to make their marriages perfect. It does make one wonder why you'd be reading this thread, however.

I don't think there's a ton of posters on here who feel their marriage is perfect but there are at least a few who've offered up ways they've made their relationships better and more fulfilling.

If you feel that shutting off your husband as what apparently is a concious decision on your part works for you then nothing anyone posts is going to change that anyway.

I think you and your husband need to try marriage counseling. You've shut down and in whatever manner, he hasn't persuaded you to change this aspect of the marriage. It's usually mutual. You've apparently reached an unhealthy impasse. That is an honest opinion, not a slam.

Botton line - men have testerone pumping through their bodies all the time everyday. We are sexually charged. Biologically we are in a constant state of sexual tension. Women have estrogen and maybe a little testoserne. There is no need or tension. No sexual impulse feelings. Sex is mental. They think we are "dogs" and we think they are "fridged". We are fighting biology. It really doesn't matter if you'r more romantic, date more, cuddle, buy things, and all that crap. They like the thought but no sexual stimulas goes along with it. I don't think the battle will never end!

I'm not married shithead. Read the thread. Geeeez.