Post-nuptial shutoff?

Just for balance, it goes both ways. After seven years, I just wasn't attracted that much to her sexually, even though she was a fine woman. It wasn't anything that I had a choice in. Everything else just stalled out after that. It was time to move on, and I think that we are both better off today for it.

Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they're WORTH IT.

Wow. I'm starting to feel better and better about some of my decisions after coming back to this thread from time to time.

I had one intimate relationship a long time back. She kept talking about getting married, but was seeing other men at the same time. It was a tad weird to hear her say one thing one minute, then ask her if she'd been with anyone else and hear her answer in the affirmative and describe the guy to me. All the while I was totally faithful.

I suggested we take a break for a bit. Then called her the next day only to hear her say "I have to go" then hear the line go dead.

It's a funny world.

in reading all of this I just conclude men marry for looks/physical attraction/connection/sex while women marry for security/stability etc. thats why when kids come sex goes out the window--the wife becomes a mother first and foremost--all needs have then been met for her. now these are generalizations yes and some female will prolly post here saying she married for sex

as far as those on the board saying be a man and jump her bones without "asking if its OK" well when you say that you assume an understanding of every sexual dynamic out there...many relationships develop sexually along the lines of the woman taking initiative--the male is flattered by this and it works to the womans advantage. after xx years of marriage where the dynamic worked one way you don't just go and flip it on her. maybe the mistake was in the groudwork, OK.

I also wonder why it is most wives will not engage their husbands eveb tamest sexual fantasies.Not talking about toys, outfits, anal etc. I have tried on occasion to spice things up some which all the mags say to do--not talking kinky stuff, just maybe a little bit of dirty talk like and usu she just says nothing. it doesnt work but if it works for me why is that so bad.

10 cms wrote:

I also wonder why it is most wives will not engage their husbands eveb tamest sexual fantasies.Not talking about toys, outfits, anal etc. I have tried on occasion to spice things up some which all the mags say to do--not talking kinky stuff, just maybe a little bit of dirty talk like and usu she just says nothing. it doesnt work but if it works for me why is that so bad.

Those are tame things... as I've come to find out. I can't believe the things I've been able to try given the right partner.

What food reduces a womans sex drive by 80%???

Answer: Wedding Cake!!!!

That's a pretty good overview, but I question if fantasies are all that common. Good post.

need data wrote:

Married guys: how long after the ceremony did it take for your wives to start shutting you off?

funny, your wife has yet to shut me off.

On the other side of the coin...and I've been married 26 years....is giving the woman some space too. Rearing children is of tantamount importance to women which I don't think there is any way a man can match. I've read one theory which espouses that the same pleasure sensors for sex in a woman are stroked by the mothering of children.

As to the bachelor party scenario....one interesting thing in our marriage is that, on occasion, my wife has gone out with her friends to male strip clubs/parties. This doesn't really bother me since I'm not the type of guy who's all that possessive but once I realized that she always comes home rarin' to go at it hot and heavy on those nights I was almost encouraging her out the door.

Richard Perry wrote:

As to the bachelor party scenario....one interesting thing in our marriage is that, on occasion, my wife has gone out with her friends to male strip clubs/parties. This doesn't really bother me since I'm not the type of guy who's all that possessive but once I realized that she always comes home rarin' to go at it hot and heavy on those nights I was almost encouraging her out the door.

I used to make fun of my wife's stupid romance novel habit ... until I clued in to the fact that they always get her in the mood. Now I encourage her to read as many as she likes. :-)

Didn't know such sites existed. Too bad I'm not rich. Wow.

The frequency of post-marital sex generally follows this pattern as the years roll by:

tri-weekly

try weekly

try weakly

I haven't read this entire thread so maybe some other woman said something similar already, but I'm one of those wives who has pretty much shut off my husband. It started when I realized that although my husband probably loved me, I felt like he didn't really care that it was me who he was having sex with. I could be any warm body with a "hole" and he would probably be perfectly happy whether it was actually me or not. That's how it felt, anyway. And that is what turned me off to him. I haven't lost my sex drive, I have fantasies all the time, especially when he is not around, so that isn't the problem. Then of course he has gained weight and doesn't compliment me anymore (even tho I have a great face and figure and an average to above-average personality). I do have sex with him occasionally out of guilt, but its mostly to get it over with.

Have you told him this? Reminded him of this? Brow beat him about this?

I have had sex with my girlfriend where I was just banging away at her in order to get my rocks off. Got off and was happy about that but it wasn't great sex -- so I feel ya.

But ya'll need to talk about it. Sometimes it will be good for you. A lot of times it will be good for him. But what ya'll should have been aiming at is that it is good for both -- and that takes trial and error and a lot of work. Apparently more than either of you are willing to do . . .

Thanks for caring and the advice but another turn off for me and probably most women is the idea that we would have to "brow beat" our husbands into acting like it matters who we are when they are getting their rocks off.

It's a relationship turnoff for men that women expect everything to happen according to their own conception of what a partnership should be. Who's to say a marriage HAS to be like it is in the the movies? Who gives a shi* if your marriage isn't like your friends?

Relationships are two way streets. Men have preferences and women have preferences too.

Bullheadedness on each side leads to women cutting off men from sex and men cutting off women from anything resembling a relationship.

To Girl Next Door,

Your situation is not going to improve unless you decide to improve it. Shutting down on sex is an immature reaction. I would say that if you don't change your tack you two either won't last or you will not have happy lives.

Who cares whose fault it is, him for not complimenting you or treating you well enough; It's still about you deciding whether or not you want to have a GOOD marriage. Hopefully if you change, he will learn from your example.

There is a book that says if you try to make at least one complement a day to your spouse it will change them (and your relationship) for the better. I recommend you give this a go.

I could be any warm body with a "hole" and he would probably be perfectly happy whether it was actually me or not. That's how it felt, anyway

Interesting. I'm sure there is a segment of the male population out there who feels that his spouse could be any walking mammal with a "big wallet" and she would probably be perfectly happy whether she was with him or some other guy who was spending money on her whims constantly, whether together or with her out shopping alone for anything her heart desires.

I have a SIL who is so materialistic, she wanted her hubby to be a commercial pilot (captain), and she doesn't give a S@it if he is gone half of every month or not as long as the wallet is fully all of the month.

You do realize that sex is often a purely physical act for men (and sometimes women)? If he didnt care about who's hole he's in than maybe he should cheat, especially since you've gone cold. Why not oblige him, find plaesure in it yourself and help your relationship. Is that too much to ask? As long as it takes to fold a load of laundry, you could be helping your marriage immensly. I'm sure you do alot of things less pleasurable every day. But I'm sure they are alot less important than intimacy with the one you are supposed to love