Asking for permission to marry a woman has roots in an era where woman were viewed and treated as property. The father "owned" the woman. The suitor asks for the father's blessing, and once married, the woman is then "his property."
Asking for a father's blessing is an antiquated and outdated concept that should be left in the past. A woman is an independent person with her own desires. The only other person whose feelings are relevant is the woman.
I haven't read the thread at all. Has anyone alluded to the hit song "Rude" by Magic! yet? Hilarious!
agargaergawrb wrote:
I am by no means old-fashioned, but I asked my father-in-law for permission before asking my wife to marry me. It shows that you respect to the family you are marrying into.
If you're not old-fashioned (ie. you don't view women as property), what impetus did you have to talk to the FIL in particular?
Of course that's a rhetorical question. You did so because that's a normal thing to do. I'm not passing judgement on you personally. But that entire ritual DOES hearken back to some medieval-level sexism.
I'd say that if your endgame is to gain or to show respect, you could do so equally well by talking to her mother or sister or brother or even a close cousin, or by talking to the entire family as a whole. Even then I'd add a caveat - don't allow them to call any shots. You and your SO are mature adults who can make their own decisions.
NYU Runn3r wrote:
... I have to think about it and get back to you.
I was totally not expecting that. Has this happened to anyone else?
We haven't been dating long, just over a year. We actually live together and are both working professionals in the city. I've never been divorced, she's not pregnant, parents aren't religious, and I've spent a little bit of time with them and it's always been good. The girlfriend talks about us getting married all of the time and friends keep asking me when I'm going to do it. 100% certain she would say yes.
This just threw me off guard and now I don't know what to think.
1) You did the right thing by asking. It is a show of respect and it will pay dividends in the future with the family. I did the same thing and it worked out great.
2) The reason he may have said that he want to get back to you is that he is checking with her mother. I have been married for 6 years. I don't make any major decisions without consulting my wife. You obviously caught him by surprise and he had not discussed this with his wife. He is probably checking with her to make sure he is "authorized" by her to give the blessing.
I think you will be fine. Keep us posted on how it turns out. Good Luck!
Yes you caught him off guard...you have only been dating for like a year...Extremely short time to think about marriage. Let me get you thinking in his mindset a little, Has she had other relationships that were at least a year long? If so, you can see why he might hesitate.
I've been dating my boyfriend going on 5 years and we are not even talking about marriage...Of course, we also don't want kids, so there really is no purpose to a marriage, other than placing us in a higher tax bracket...
Why is she so eager to get married already? Isn't that odd to you? What's the rush, seriously?
Recent grad wrote:
Yes you caught him off guard...you have only been dating for like a year...Extremely short time to think about marriage. Let me get you thinking in his mindset a little, Has she had other relationships that were at least a year long? If so, you can see why he might hesitate.
I've been dating my boyfriend going on 5 years and we are not even talking about marriage...Of course, we also don't want kids, so there really is no purpose to a marriage, other than placing us in a higher tax bracket...
Why is she so eager to get married already? Isn't that odd to you? What's the rush, seriously?
YOU ARE A CHILD!
From your posts it seems as though you and your woman's father get along well. This leads to the logical conclusion that he is looking out for your best interests in holding back his 'blessing'. He probably has good reason to be concerned. He has know this woman much longer than you have and is aware of all of her faults/problems. He is probably well aware of her various bouts with/treatments for VD. He is also well aware of the various photos resident on Al Gore's internet. And don't even question her heroin addiction (that she has yet to discuss with you).
Based on his reaction you should run away, very far and very fast.
A year is not too short at all - ample time to know if you would marry someone. For me and my wonderful spouse of 17 years, it was just 5 months, then a 13 month engagement. When you know you know. To each their own.
Good luck, NYU - hope it works out for you and your SO.
reader of the forums wrote:
Asking for permission to marry a woman has roots in an era where woman were viewed and treated as property. The father "owned" the woman. The suitor asks for the father's blessing, and once married, the woman is then "his property."
Asking for a father's blessing is an antiquated and outdated concept that should be left in the past. A woman is an independent person with her own desires. The only other person whose feelings are relevant is the woman.
Yep. Same with the "to have and to hold" language. I'm amazed that so many people actually include this little snippet of purchase agreement language within their wedding vows.
My only thought is that some people might not realize that this is contract language and might instead think it means to "hold" in an intimate or romantic way. But it actually means to physically possess. When you buy real estate, the contract specifies that you will take a particular property "to have and to hold" upon execution of the contract. I personally don't exactly want to view my marriage the same way I view buying an apartment building.
Call another meeting with the dad and tell him the following "Look, I'm already living and sleeping with your daughter, and I never asked for permission to do that, so it's not like I actually care whether I get your blessing. So honestly I respect you for not saying yes. I'm looking forward to being your son-in-law."
I was thinking something similar, except that the old man wanted to check with his daughter. If he found out she was at all reluctant, he could intervene and get her extricated.
Like others here, I find this ractice archaic, dating back to an era when young women were considered a commodity to be passed off from father to husband, the whole "giving her away" idea. But traditions are important to people and they die hard. The OP is trying to be respectful and honor tradition. I wish him and the young woman well.
Recent grad wrote:
Yes you caught him off guard...you have only been dating for like a year...Extremely short time to think about marriage. Let me get you thinking in his mindset a little, Has she had other relationships that were at least a year long? If so, you can see why he might hesitate.
I've been dating my boyfriend going on 5 years and we are not even talking about marriage...Of course, we also don't want kids, so there really is no purpose to a marriage, other than placing us in a higher tax bracket...
Why is she so eager to get married already? Isn't that odd to you? What's the rush, seriously?
Man is this really how you think taxes work? Every college student should be forced to take some kind of personal finance class. Married Tax brackets are literally just Single tax brackets doubled, unless you make over $150K. That's it...
And as far as only being a year, that's horsesh!t. The time in the relationship isn't nearly as important as the quality of time spent together. There are plenty of people who spend more "time" together in 9 months than others do in 2 years. If you know, you know
Recent grad wrote:
Yes you caught him off guard...you have only been dating for like a year...Extremely short time to think about marriage. ?
No it's not.
He needs time to go online to check your race times and salary. He might think you're just a hobby jogger and not worthy of his daughter. Prove him wrong by challenging him to a marathon on a track. Let him lap you then come back for the win. He will have newfound respect for you.
/eot
so forgive me, but what is the divorce rate again?
I wonder if half of those divorced couples spent a little more time getting to know the other person before getting married, they wouldn't have gotten married at all.
A lawyer and engineer, getting married, actually doesn't make sense...I'm the engineer of the two of us and did the math...we would pay more in taxes if we got married. But have no reason for marriage anyways.
But hey, clearly a lot of people here think its ok to marry that quick...fine. I think its pretty strange, looking at my close friends only a handful have gotten married, and they were all dating 4+ years before the engagement.
Man is this really how you think taxes work? Every college student should be forced to take some kind of personal finance class. Married Tax brackets are literally just Single tax brackets doubled, unless you make over $150K. That's it...
And as far as only being a year, that's horsesh!t. The time in the relationship isn't nearly as important as the quality of time spent together. There are plenty of people who spend more "time" together in 9 months than others do in 2 years. If you know, you know[/quote]
http://www.financialsamurai.com/at-what-income-level-does-the-marriage-penalty-tax-kick-in/
HHHarrier wrote: Married Tax brackets are literally just Single tax brackets doubled, unless you make over $150K. That's it...
150k joint income isn't rare, and there are also some tax benefits that only apply to married couples.
Had an exact scenario like that before with a great friend of mine- guy & girl together two years, guy asks father for permission to marry her, father says I'll get back to you. Checks with daughter, broke up then shortly thereafter. Not to scare you but he had ring bought and all- she just wasn't ready and old man must have had an inkling that was the case.
Southie wrote:
Had an exact scenario like that before with a great friend of mine- guy & girl together two years, guy asks father for permission to marry her, father says I'll get back to you. Checks with daughter, broke up then shortly thereafter. Not to scare you but he had ring bought and all- she just wasn't ready and old man must have had an inkling that was the case.
Good point. I am thinking this might be part of it as well. I think her and her dad may have a disconnect. She did move away and move in with me so I would think her dad would see that as a big commitment and indicative of our future. She has talked about marriage with me on many occasions but I think that message hasn't gone through to her father at all. I never considered if her and her dad talked about our relationship at all and I am guessing now that they do not.
When/If she has to find out about her dad dragging his feet I am sure she is going to be disappointed in him and confused.
Maybe I didn't think into it enough but I just did not expect any road blocks in planning this whole thing.
could it maybe be that he meant to say yes, but he wanted to check with the mother to see how much they are able to help you with paying for the wedding? since you had a good relationship with him up to this point, it could be that he assumed that you knew he meant that he supported you, and just was getting down to business more with logistics and planning.
for context: i'm a girl, and got married two years ago. my husband and i both understood that as adults, we were 100% capable of deciding if we were ready for marriage without consulting our parents. however, i do understand that some dads demand such gestures.
if you've pretty much decided between you and your girlfriend that you're going to get married, it's best to keep the lines of communication open with her. if she has reason to expect a ring during the holidays, DO NOT just sit around and wait for her dad to respond for a few months. while it's a shitty situation for you to be in, it also sucks for her to not know what's going on and not be in control of something that affects the rest of her life. i assume you want the actual day of engagement to be somewhat of a surprise, but no engagement should ever be a real surprise, so it's better for you to tell her if her dad is causing the problem. you're partners. if you dont hear from him within a week of asking, i think you should call him and ask him again, but be prepared to tell him the million reasons why his daughter is the most special person in the world.