Should I marry my friend?

Flagpole continues to nail it.

She's a nice girl and that's it. Life situations and major things like what you've described are very important.

See you in five years when you're posting, "My wife wants to take my kids to church and I'm an atheist. How should I end this?"

c'mon.... wrote:

Flagpole continues to nail it.

She's a nice girl and that's it. Life situations and major things like what you've described are very important.

See you in five years when you're posting, "My wife wants to take my kids to church and I'm an atheist. How should I end this?"

I honestly would have no opposition to her taking our kids to church. In fact, I'd somewhat enjoy it as it would show them that side of things. If they grew up to be Christians that'd be fine. But with some education and enough talk from me to get them scientifically literate, they might also find themselves losing their faith/gaining their reason like I did. Either way would not bother me.

As for money, I don't think she's really added up how much she actually needs to do everything she wants to do and have everything she wants to have. From our discussions on these matters, it seems like she'd do just fine on about half of what she thinks she needs; she's just never taken the time to explicitly work it all out. I am hoping she'll figure this out after some experience in the real world.

Thanks for the input, Flagpole, but I hope to god you're wrong. If she's a C- fit for me yet miles ahead of any other girl I've met, my future looks pretty bleak in the romance department. I will say that I think you're putting too much weight into our intellectual differences. Two highly intelligent people can find themselves in competition, not always friendly, and there can be too much overlap. Intelligence is like a skill. It's one skill I bring to the table that she doesn't quite as much, but then she brings other skills to the table that I lack, so our strengths can complement each others'. Though a seemingly intelligent guy yourself, you've said multiple times on here your wife is brilliant, right? Yet somehow you two do just fine despite her being a good bit above you? Or are you exaggerating that difference? Just something to think about.

You clearly want to pursue this so just do it.

late post wrote:

You clearly want to pursue this so just do it.

Pursuing indecision is a life long endeavor.

late post wrote:

You clearly want to pursue this so just do it.

Bingo, bango, bongo. Just go for it dude. Don't propose tomorrow, but make some moves and let it progress naturally from there.

Don't lollygag around either...if she's as swell as you describe, surely there are some other dudes a lot closer than 1000 miles noticing her...

the bit on the kids going to church, you bascially said "i'll let them go and im fine with it BUT im eventually gonna change them."

when it comes to religion (or lack thereof) you should never try to justify either side to any person, they need to come to that decision on their own without any big pushes in either direction (obiouvsly if your parents took you as a kid thats one thing, but trying to force someone by "enlightening" them down the road is just as damaging as someone who drags their kids to Church when they reaaaallly dont want to go). you would very much prefer your kids to not be religious at all but youre not so crazed about it that you'd ostracize them and disown them.

as for the money, you're trying to justify why you think she'll immediately switch over to your thinking once she graduates. in actuality, most people who get that idea in their head keep it in their head. even if they realize they arent making six figures like they thought they would but are living comfortably they'll still think they need more.

a lot of people are giving you their thoughts and input but you really arent thinking it over hard enough. you're reading it, yes, but not really buying it as you keep trying to rationalize and justify everything people bring up. when you do that, you're in denial. best advice i ever learned when asking for advice is to shut up and listen to what the person has to say. and then NOT go rationalizing out why their advice is wrong.

you clearly want to date this girl. do it and see how it turns out. but if you're already trying to see if she would be a good wife 5 years down the road when youve never even dated the chick? thats not exactly encouraging or healthy. date first, think later. also you keep harping on how much smarter you are then she is when in actuality she could be the smarter of you two but chooses to not show it. maybe she doesnt think highly of that part of herself and worries how people might perceive her so she chooses a different part to show? ive met a lot of people like that, its not that theyre not as smart its that they prefer to be seen as soemthing other than smart.

If you do not think she is smart, it will not work. You can have different strengths but if you don't have comparable intellect one of you will get bored/frustrated.

I've got to agree with this, which leads me to the same thought that Flagpole had about you overestimating your intellect. Truly smart people understand the importance of good intellectual matches in friends and partners.

It sounds like you are falling for a red hot ditz. Not likely to find a fulfilling life when your spouse's mind isn't exciting to you.

Ummmmmmm wrote:

If you do not think she is smart, it will not work. You can have different strengths but if you don't have comparable intellect one of you will get bored/frustrated.

Bored and frustrated by what exactly? Why does your partner need to have the same intellect? What is it that you want to talk about so much? I'd hate to have a partner that wanted to debate world events or whatever all day long.

a gem wrote:

If she's a C- fit for me yet miles ahead of any other girl I've met, my future looks pretty bleak in the romance department.

24 is very young. Marriage is (intended to be) for a lifetime - another 60 years. You have many years ahead of you to find a better match. When you do find a great match, you'll know it (even if you are wrong) - you won't need to ask Letsrun.

You sound somewhat awkward and immature. (So was I, at your age.) Make some male friends, date around for a few years, without taking it too seriously. It will be a growth experience you need.

You are very much in your head and cut off from your emotions and masculinity. (Could you possibly have Asperger's?) Anyway, read the book: No More Mister Nice Guy.

Good luck.

I have been married for 18 years and grappled with similar things decades ago. I had a serious long term girlfriend in high school that matched your situation very well. I chose to break it off when I went to college because I thought that I might find someone in college that was a better match intellectually. It took me many years and I wasn't sure I made the right call for a long time. Ultimately, I was really glad I waited.

I personally think that a long term relationship built on equality is the key. My wife is my equal intellectually and financially. She and I make about the same amount of money. And, when I think that I have something completely figured out, she will challenge me and make me rethink it.

Especially when you have kids, and your life decisions become far more complicated, you will appreciate having someone that will challenge you. Imbalances in relationships (i.e. one spouse making all the money, one spouse being smarter or more confident) can be a huge stress later on when the more dominant individual naturally asserts more power over the relationship and can manipulate things. The weaker individual will resent it and the stronger will become impatient. Try to find an equal if possible.

Good luck.

Dude, I wasn't being harsh to be a prick...I'm really trying to help you not make a mistake.You have now given more information, so perhaps you could make it work.YOU are the one who brought up the intellectual difference, so to me, YOU were making a big deal of it. If it's not a big deal to you, then don't let it be, and probably a good idea to never let it bother you again (and never bring it up again).You are correct that my wife is brilliant...she's a bonafide genius, and while I'm no dummy, I'm not in her league of genius. We work though because I'm not super far away from where she is...we can still have conversations, and she values my opinion. Also, it's good I'm at least somewhat accomplished. I was the best journalism student in my college (girls like guys who have skills), and I now work for myself, so bright women like to see the men in their lives accomplish something. IF you can feel that way about this young lady of yours, then you could make it work.Just to continue though, my wife and I both have similar religious and political views. We are both also very empathetic towards others, so we understand each other very well. She's smarter than me. I'm more athletic and musical that she. Fine by me. It's also fine by me if the two of you have different levels of brain power, but it's NOT fine by me if one of you is bothered by that.Anyway, good luck, brother. My wife was my friend before we started dating. If you can handle the differences, it's a good way to go.

You get along "supernaturally" well but don't mesh intellectually, aren't physical or dating, have different approaches to money and are direct opposite on religion. Hm.

You're young and she's cool and you get along and you're emotionally invested. That's nice, and I don't mean to insult you. But wait. Wait until you've dated more. Her. Other girls. Anybody. Wait until you're older and more experienced. I was more or less where you are now, and I'm so, so glad I didn't pull the trigger.

Hey OP you appear to be quite confident that you even have this choice. Maybe you don't. You are conflicted over a choice that you imagine yourself to have, right?

I am 40, and I've had one girlfriend since I was in my mid 20s. the relationship lasted a year. I'm not very experienced in intimate relationships. As much as I think about relationships and sex (almost all the time), neither actually really happens for me. I used to have a lot of plans and ideas about the future like you do. Wife, kids, etc. Life has a way of turning out way differently than you thought it would. At least my body is healthy and I can run. That's one thing I have going for me, thank god. If I were you (which I am not) I would perhaps think about the choices you do have now, like how you can improve your 5K pr haha!!

Hey dude I hope things go well!

Going through my 3rd divorce so I think I'll let you decide.

LennyZ wrote:

relationships (i.e. one spouse making all the money, one spouse being smarter or more confident) can be a huge stress later on when the more dominant individual naturally asserts more power over the relationship and can manipulate things. The weaker individual will resent it and the stronger will become impatient. Try to find an equal if possible.

The "smartest" person is not always the most dominant, and most intelligent does not always mean the smartest. There are many ways to be smart. There are many intelligent people who are quite often not very smart.

To be honest, it sounds like you have built this girl up in your mind because she is the only female that has ever paid you any attention in your 24 years of life. You should probably get out more.

I think you've made it almost 3 pages without being called a troll, despite describing yourself as both intelligent and "extremely unique". So, good on ya, mate.

No.

middle-aged single guy wrote:

I am 40, and I've had one girlfriend since I was in my mid 20s. the relationship lasted a year. I'm not very experienced in intimate relationships. As much as I think about relationships and sex (almost all the time), neither actually really happens for me. I used to have a lot of plans and ideas about the future like you do. Wife, kids, etc. Life has a way of turning out way differently than you thought it would.

Consider this a time machine for the majority of letsrun posters. See your future!!