a woman is in the waiting room, where she sees a plate of stuffed mushrooms. she's been sitting a long time and is hungry so reaches to take one.
"i'm sorry miss," says the receptionist, "but i can't let you have any of those."
"why's that?" she asks.
"doctor's hors d'oeuvres."
A man goes to the doctor and the doctor prescribes him suppositories.
The man returns a week later and says "Doctor, that medicine you gave me isn't working at all"
Doctor say "Are you sure you're taking them right?"
Man, offended, yells "of course i'm taking them right, what do you want me to do, shove 'em up my @ss?"
A plane crashes in the ocean, and 4 men wash up on a deserted island. They decide the only way they'll live is to build a raft, so the American offers to build the raft, the Argentinian offers to gather food, and the Nigerian offers to find fresh water, but they'll need supplies to lash the raft together and hold the food and water, so they tell the man from Japan that he's in charge of supplies. They must leave quickly while the wind is in their favor and the rescue operation is taking place, so they agree to be ready to go in a few hours.
When they gather, the American has all the pieces for a raft, but needs a way to lash it all together. The Argentinian found food, but needs a way to carry it. The Nigerian found a fresh water source, but needs containers for it. The Japanese man doesn't show up. The American laments his absences, saying how they really need those supplies. The Japanese man then jumps out from behind a palm tree and yells, "Supplies!"
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would you like a drink?" He answers, "I think not." Then 'poof' he disappears.
Two atoms were walking down the street and accidentally bumped into each other.
One says, "I think I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive."
The Higgs-Boson is about to enter a church when he is stopped at the front door by a priest.
"I'm sorry, but you can't come in here. Mass has already begun." says the priest.
"What?!? You can't have mass without me!" replies the Higgs-Boson.
Two guys are walking down the street and they see a dog licking himself. The first guy says, "man, I wish I could do that!" The second guy says, "don't you think you should pet him first?"
Two Mexicans were playing basketball.
They played Juan on Juan.
what do you get when you cross a Mexican with Octopus?
I don't know either.....but they can pick a lot of tomatoes!!....LOL
Two atoms wrote:
Two atoms were walking down the street and accidentally bumped into each other.
One says, "I think I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive."
This is one of my go-to jokes and an all time personal favorite.
I can tell you are a highly intelligent person with impeccable character.
Here's a good one...
Delta timing systems for cross country!
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
(A joke that is philosophical and adolescent at the same time!)
4 Nuns get into a bad car accident, and they all die. Next thing they know, they are all standing before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says to them, "I am really bad with name, please line up Nun 1, Nun 2, Nun 3, and Nun 4."So they do, and then St. Peter calls up Nun 1. He asks her, "Have you ever touched a man's p eni s before?" She replies, "Yes, I have touched one with the tip of my finger before." St. Peter then says, "Dip that finger in the holy water, and you may go to heaven." So she does, and she walks threw the Pearly Gates to heaven.Next, St. Peter calls up Nun 2. He asks her the same question, "Have you ever touched a man's pe ni s before?" She replies, "Yes, I have given one a hand job." St. Peter then says, "Dip that hand in the holy water, and you may go to heaven." So she does, and she walks threw the Pearly Gates to heaven.Next, St. Peter calls up Nun 3, but Nun 4 jumps in front of her. St. Peter says, "Why have you cut in front of Nun 3?" Nun 4 replies, "I am not gargling that water after she putts her a s s in it."BAM
bring the funny wrote:
I need a new joke. Please, make me laugh.
Go.
What's the last thing you want to hear when you're going down on willie nelson?
I'm not willie nelson
This baby seal walks into a club..........
A pirate walks up to a guy. The guy can't help but notice that the pirate has a steering wheel coming out of the zipper of his pants.
He says to the pirate "Do you realize you have a steering wheel coming out of your pants?"
The pirate replies: "Arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts."
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
(As you turn and quickly walk away)
WANNA RIDE BIKES NOW!!!
Wanna hear Brennan's pizza joke?
NAHHHHH it's too cheesy
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.........'"