I Need Serious Relationship Advice

Sorry to tell you this, but she's just not that into you.

She can't decide between Med and nursing school, but has a low paying pharm tech job. (Is she expecting you to foot the bill?) Then she tosses out there teaching overseas. If she really wanted to teach, there are opportunities here to teach thru Teach America.

Just sounds like she is trying to escape her family, her life, growing up. Let her go. You should go find someone that appreciates youm wants to be with you and has similar life goals.

As a 27 year old who has dated both younger and older women, believe me, you two are in very different stages of life right now. I know what I was doing at 22 (starting grad school), at 25 (teaching English abroad), now at 27 (banking in ny), and 33 is a long way from 25 for anyone.

Look. You're a lawyer, you're well-educated, you make a decent salary (I'm assuming). You're still pretty young, but you're not living in the same world as this girl, who probably is still figuring out what she wants in life. Think about yourself at 25, you were probably getting drunk four nights a week with your law school buddies (okay, maybe that's not true but you get the point). Some of my best friends are around your age (most are older than me), but they aren't really the lawyer types. If she goes abroad, she's gonna by and large hang out with young people who want to extend the college experience, and I'm guessing you don't fit that profile.

If you really think it will work out, why don't you consider moving abroad too? No reason to stay in the US.

Yeah, it really is sitcom material. And now he's hurt so he's on workers comp and here 24 hours per day. And I have a one bedroom place so he "lives" in the family room.

Love keeps you on the pain train, buddy. You are being used.

Liz and kartelite. I think you're both basically saying the same thing, in that we're just at different phases in our lives. It just really hurts to have it all "figured out" and to discuss a future with someone everyday and then to just have it disappear. It's like unexpectedly having to start from scratch again. I'll just have to be more guarded with my feelings in the future.

Starting over can be rough, but not starting over and just hoping for things to be different is worse.

For what's it's worth, I don't think what you should take away from the experience is to be more guarded. Perhaps when listening to what a person says, take into account their actions. That will give you more insight into where they are really at because it's often easier to say things you know someone wants to hear. But what you do is what really counts.

1) You are not being selfish by not wanting her to go.

2) You are justified in thinking that her being away for 16 months might kill the relationship. When in the dating stage, even when serious, 16 months away is a long time.

3) Here's a POSSIBLE hard truth question - is she someone who can't handle breakups, wants to break up with you and is using this as a means to do so?

4) Have you told her that you don't want her to go? Freshly out of school and 25 years old, the world is your oyster, and there's lots of focus (and rightfully so) on yourself. Maybe she doesn't know exactly how you feel.

5) Are you to the point of proposal? 15 months is a little soon, but if you've spent a ton of time with her, it's not out of the question.

6) You don't want to give out ultimatums, but if she goes, she should know that long-distance relationships like that don't usually survive.

Pretty much it boils down to the two of you having a heart to heart talk about what it is you want. You have to tell her that you know you can't tell her not to go, but that if it were at all socially acceptable that you would tell her that. I do hate to tell you that her considering this is not the best omen. Hopefully she's just a little career-centric for the moment and hasn't really thought this out well enough.

Mos Def wrote:

Yeah, it really is sitcom material. And now he's hurt so he's on workers comp and here 24 hours per day. And I have a one bedroom place so he "lives" in the family room.

Dude, come on. Come. On.

We need to flesh out the cast of this sitcom.

GFs former cracked addict half brother gets released from prison.

Can Dennis Leary play a mulatto?

Susan Sarandon type moves in and starts an "Affair in the Family Room" 5 episode arc. OPs baby brother falls out of tree trying to get a glimpse of SS's left boob and is a coma.

Joan Rivers playing OPs Mother gets a new cell plan and calls her baby boy 34 times a day with relationship advice.

GFs ex appears with their 3 year old child he has been raising on an Native American reservation near Scottsdale.

Cher has a recurring role as a tarot reading neighbor with a hot daughter who has a Nathans Frankfooter fetish and deepseated shame in her mothers love of bathing in Goldens Yellow Mustard. Chers voice is electronically modulated but everyone pretends she sounds normal.

Who else?

Thanks Flagpole. Again, I have typically been a lurker here but I really do value your opinions and I was hoping for a response from you, and some others whose opinions I respect. Anyway, I appreciate everyone's feedback, except those who are claiming I am a troll because I am allowing the father of the woman I love to stay with me when he is having a tough time.

Mos Def wrote:

her dad has fallen on hard times and I'm letting him stay at my place.

Can't you see your gf wants to break up with you but still wants to stay in your good graces so you'll continue to take care of her father?

forest through the trees wrote:

Mos Def wrote:

her dad has fallen on hard times and I'm letting him stay at my place.

Can't you see your gf wants to break up with you but still wants to stay in your good graces so you'll continue to take care of her father?

I really don't think its that. She is the one more upset that he is staying here and she is pretty sick of it and trying to get him out on a daily basis. My stance is that I would hope someone is there if I was in need like he is, and that I am not going to kick out her father. That has to be between her and him.

But you could be right, and I do appreciate the input. Thank you.

Aside from telling you to eat your gotdamned oatmeal, I do have one or two words of advice.

First: This is about her. Seriously. It's not you. From the sound of it, you didn't "screw up."

Second: You aren't being selfish. You love her. Of course you don't want her to leave.

Third: Yes, the relationship *could* survive that 16 months. Relationships have survived much worse.

Four: Now the bad part. You now have first-hand experience with one of the most dreaded forces on the face of the earth - The Early to Mid-Twenties Female. This goes back to, "It's not you, it's her." She doesn't know, exactly, what she wants. That isn't BS; it's truth. She *does* still care about you, but is trying to figure out how/if you fit into the picture. She's wondering what else might be out there. She's wondering how she can be sure about you. She doesn't want to "miss* anything by getting locked down at a young age.

Situation normal. Maybe normal isn't the right word. Maybe "expected" or "understandable" is better.

Now. What do you do?

Tough love here. Don't be a b!tch. I would, however, tell her honestly how you feel if you haven't done so already. Don't be sappy, but be straightforward, clear, and genuine. If she isn't psycho, she'll appreciate that, and she'll think about it seriously.

Then. Don't nag her. Don't keep bringing it up. She knows how you feel. You've done what you need to do. At that point, you must let her make her own decision. Understand that you might not like that decision, but you really can't do anything to change it. Be supportive. Be strong. If you really do love her, you most certainly won't want her to go, but you will respect her choice to do so.

And yes, she should be seriously considering you in her plans if she does care about you. I'm going to get flamed for this, but women are nuts, man. They tend to make decisions based on emotion, not logic. Her head is all over the place, and it shows in what she has told you thus far.

Wilford, thanks for the serious advice. I really do appreciate it. And I think you're right. It was all so concrete when she was in school, but now she is kind of all over the place.

Like everyone says, it's her not you.

However, if she really is more upset about her Dad living with you than you are, then this might be the most important thing in her life right now. So you have to consider if she is thinking about teaching abroad to get away from him and not you.

I read the whole thread:

Advice:

Let her go overseas.

Find the dad a homeless shelter or a low-income place to live.

Start dating other women.