Getting Married: Help

Knotter, again you miss the point. Whether one can spend $20 or $30K without going into debt isn't the issue; its wether a young couple starting out can afford to spend that kind of cash without impacting their ability to do other things like pay off school loans, buy a house, and dare I suggest, save some money in case you get laid off. There are plenty of people who can easily spend much more without a care and if they want to throw a big party, good for them. But the original poster is obviously spending his own money and if doing so wasn't a big deal for him, then he wouldn't be asking advice on this board.

Also, I recommend eloping for precisely the reason you stated for having 200 guests at your wedding: "If we didn't invite almost all of our family, it would have been insulting to them. We also have a lot of friends that we wanted to include." Once you decide to have a traditional wedding, it becomes difficult to keep it reasonably sized.

don't get married.

that should answer all you question and solve many future problems.

one of the best bits of advice I ever received was from someone that told me to respond to fiance's dream wedding plans with even more grandiose gestures...it may help her put things into perspective...or make her think you are crazy.

i.e. if she wants ice sculpture...you ask for doves

if she wants 3 course dinner...you ask for 5...if she

...you get the point.

wind-bag-athon wrote:

gagement ring to reception was a big fat waste of money.

Big weddings (defined here as more than 20 of closest friends and family) are for little girls that believe in fairy tales and the suckers who marry them. Grow up. If I could do it over again, I would elope -- and you should too. Pick a nice place that you always wanted to vacation in, say France or Italy, invite your closest friends and family (most of whom won't be willing to travel that far) and tie the knot memorably, but inexpensively.

Would you pay for your closest friends and family to travel to France or Italy with you? If so, that would get expensive pretty quick. If not, don't you think it's kind of selfish to give your close friends and family the guilt trip of deciding whether to fork over a few grand for the trip or to not share in your wedding day? Maybe you're different, but we didn't see our wedding day as being all about us. It was a big day for our family and friends too. They were all part of the journey that led to us being together.

I have an idea for the original poster. Save money on your wedding by charging admission. You might even make money!

Depends what you want. We spent over 50k on our wedding. No help from the parents on either side.

Some say it's a waste of money, but we had many many friends, so it had to be huge. Elope, save money.

Engagement ring: 4.5K (I make 6 figures, if that helps you place things)

Wedding dress: Under 1K with adjustments

Wedding/reception: About 7K (the location was cheap, my best friend officiated, and we kept it to about 45 people)

What would I have done differently? Not a lot.

You don't have to care about everything at your wedding. Find the things that you do care about and make them great. Spend the minimum amount of time and money and stress on everything else (It really helped that I and Mrs. DontFeedTheTroll agreed on what was important and what wasn't).

Don't let parents/in-laws pay for anything unless you make it clear upfront that their money does not give them any influence over the planning process. None.

And don't assume that parents/in-laws will pay for anything either. It's your wedding - you pay. If you can't afford it, scale back. Your married life will not be any less awesomely sublime because you invited 50 people rather than 200 to your wedding (and that gives you a great excuse not to invite the people that you don't really know/like that well "Gee Bob, we'd love you have you, but the venue is so small....").

I had stated opinions about some things and well defined areas of complete disinterest. I didn't care about flowers and left them to her (she went to the grocery store and had a friend arrange them. They looked great). We both cared about the food. She didn't care about the alcohol and left it entirely to me.

Buy your own alcohol (and get a caterer who won't charge extra for that). It's cheaper, quick, and you can make sure there's good beer.

You get one vigina for the rest of your life. Real smart. Way to work it through.

Getting married in less than a month so this is fresh on my mind.

$3600 on engagement ring, $1200 on her band, $400 on mine for a total $5,200.

Her wedding dress was about $300 including alterations, not bad.

The wedding/reception will be about $25K...we cut a lot of corners and it's still a lot more than what I'm comfortable paying...but this was really important to my fiance and family. I've been bitter about spending this money for the last 6 months and still am. Hopefully I'll get over it one day.

No advice yet.

runnnner wrote:

I have an idea for the original poster. Save money on your wedding by charging admission. You might even make money!

We actually did this, a 100 dollar "gift". It brought in over 20000, some didn't come because if it (probably) and some didn't pay.. but it worked.

We were able to use our money on a 40k down payment for our new house (in 1996). We're still happily married.

I have three divorced friends who's money troubles led to their respective divorces, and guess what: ALL of them had big weddings. I'm not saying that the expense from the wedding led to this. I'm saying the large expense of their weddings set up a pattern for the next few years of their marriages. They couldn't keep it up. (One of them bought a house and a BMW, put himself into debt without his wife knowing, and ended up basically homeless (believe it or not).)

Life is less complicated if you make good decisions. Haha

Engagement ring? I don't remember.

Wedding ring? We don't have those.

Wedding dress? zero

Wedding+ reception? $200, max.

Honeymoon? $40-60,000 (1 year, 6 continents)

This was a perfect arrangement for us.

I never got that "most important day of my life" thing. It is perhaps a highly symbolic day, but at least to me it is a not particularly important day of the relationship.

Best of luck!

I keep asking myself, why on God's green Earth does anyone do this? If you want to have a committed relationship, just have one. Marriage puts the government in charge of your life. You certainly can't undo it without huge life shortening consequences and a judge who will decide for you what's best. And if you succumb to the temptations of the flesh, guess what, you're now a criminal. Yes, it's illegal in most states to commit adultry, although few cases are ever brought, but they're on the books just the same. And even if you're not tried, your reputation will be forever sullied, just read the newspaper. I am not condemning a committed relation, but I am certainly condemning marriage. Just say no.

you are crazy wrote:

I keep asking myself, why on God's green Earth does anyone do this? If you want to have a committed relationship, just have one. Marriage puts the government in charge of your life. You certainly can't undo it without huge life shortening consequences and a judge who will decide for you what's best. And if you succumb to the temptations of the flesh, guess what, you're now a criminal. Yes, it's illegal in most states to commit adultry, although few cases are ever brought, but they're on the books just the same. And even if you're not tried, your reputation will be forever sullied, just read the newspaper. I am not condemning a committed relation, but I am certainly condemning marriage. Just say no.

Let's see. most women are for marriage and pressure for it, most men do not.

You are a puss if you need to get married and fall into the woman's trap.

I am 50 and have never been married and always had a great women at my side.

Women are children who want marriage for the illusion of security.

Men are men, or not.

If you marry this woman, get pre-nup.

If you have 1% doubt, or 1 doubt, do not marry the bitch...they are all chilren, emotional children, mercenary and want you as security as arm candy...

If you marry before 30, you'll be divorced or cheating by 33...

ditto ditto ditto o wrote:

If you marry before 30, you'll be divorced or cheating by 33...

another negative, bitter person. I know plenty of couples who have been married for 25+ years with no big problems.

only immature people like you cheat.

A lot of the people on this post are crazy in terms of what they spend. There is a reason Americans live mired in debt, and weddings are just one of many examples of it.

I spent $3000 on a engagement ring, and I think another $700 on a wedding ring.

The wedding was around $20,000. We did a few things inexpensively, which had little to no effect on the fun of the event.

For example, we hired a person & insurance to serve as bartender. Then we bought all the beer & wine ourselves directly from a big wholesaler. Only beer & wine to keep the cost down. We kept any un-opened bottles (which we drank happily for the next year).

Another example was we skipped all sorts of served hors d'oeuvres and just had a table with hors d'oeuvres that people could walk up and get. Much cheaper.

I highly encourage saving this money for other things (house, etc.). A wedding is a one-day event. For 1/10 of a wedding cost, you can buy furniture for an entire livingroom that you will use for 10+ years.

It will vary with the preference of the female. My wife harped on the fact that she did not want a diamond and would refuse if I gave her one...so I went another route.

Guys: How much did you spend on your engagement/wedding ring?

$40ish. No lie she saw it at some random antique store when we were out in California, and I had them send it to me without her knowing.

Both: How much did you spend on your wedding/reception?

Roughly 5k, we did it in her parent's backyard/garden with a kick-ass meal (that was half of the costs).

Both: Any advice on what you wish you would've done differently or kept the same?

My buddy told me while the planning was going on that we spend so much time worrying about the crap that goes on for one day, but neglect to really work and lay the groundwork to make the following life-time what it needs to be. Screw the cake and colors and all the crap. Enjoy getting to see people you might not have seen in years (and honestly might not see again), and remember its your day and everyone else gets to deal with it.

Good luck, hope it goes well

shonuff wrote:

Why in the world are you thinking about marriage? Getting married was the single worst decision of my adult life. It is just plain silliness. Marriage is simply for losers. Nothing good comes of a marriage. It has been proven that marriage cuts 5-10 years off of a person's life expectancy. Further it has been proven that marriage hinders career advancement.

Just don't do it.

See post-nuptial shut off thread

runnnner wrote:

I have an idea for the original poster. Save money on your wedding by charging admission. You might even make money!

There's an old saying that freedom of speech is good for figuring out who the assholes are. Ditto charging admission to a wedding.

bostonrunner10--

seems like you're at the high end of what people spent yourself, aren't you? who spent much more on this thread if you don't include extra costs like the honeymoon?

your idea about buying your own booze is good, but doesn't work at most venues. they don't allow it.

Guys: How much did you spend on your engagement/wedding ring?

$250

Girls: How much did you spend on your wedding dress?

$300

Both: How much did you spend on your wedding/reception?

$6500

Both: Any advice on what you wish you would've done differently or kept the same?

Practical advice: Don't buy a huge rock, tremendous waste of money in my opinion. Put enough money into the ceremony to make it what you want, but put the bulk into the reception meal/drinks/venue. We had a GREAT reception for under 5k - beautiful place, great dinner meal, with beer and wine for all.