Getting Married: Help

Focus on the marriage and not the wedding I reckon.

Worry less about what you're "supposed" to do, and more about what will make you and your partner happy.

I've known many people who lamented spending too much on their wedding, or making its planning too complicated, or taking on too much debt in order to make it happen, and exactly zero people who regretted keeping it simple.

Guys: $9k on engagement ring. Almost $2k on her wedding band. My band was about $300.

Girls: I think about $600-700? Ridiculous

Both: If you include the honeymoon, which was a long (and all inclusive) one for about $5k, I think the total bill (with dress, etc...not including engagement ring) was $30k. So maybe about $22 - $24 for just the wedding/reception.

Both: Advice...

If you both work full time and have the money, hire a planner. Ours was amazing and kept my bride sane for $2k. She did a shit ton of work for that amount over a period of 6 months.

Talk to as many people as you can find who live around you and have been married recently. Ask them about their reception venue, caterer, photographers, DJ/band, cake, etc...

If you go with a venue where you have to use their catering service, make sure you try the food or get a great recommendation before putting down you first payment. Don't get screwed with crappy food.

Avoid buying a lot of flowers as one way to cut costs. We used more candle-type-stuff to decorate and it worked great. Our planner also purchased most of the flowers from a farmers market herself and arranged them. Saved tons of money and nobody knew the difference.

Try to act excited for your girl. I don't know about you, but I didn't care much about the details, and it bothered her sometimes...even though she was awesome and did pretty much all of the work.

We went with one engagement/wedding ring that was technically an anniversary ring. It was approximately $2,100 (in 1994) and was on "sale" at 40% off the "regular price." My wedding band is small and simple. It cost $120.

Finance Gal's wedding dress was $250 on clearance from the JC Penny catalogue along with a veil for $75.

Our ENTIRE wedding, reception (food for 150 guests), bridesmaid dresses, wedding dress, tux rental, pastor gift, photographer, flowers, etc. came to around $2,500 (in 1994). We kept it simple and focused on what was important to us. The cost was actually around $500 more than it would have needed to be because we chose to get married on a Sunday in order to accommodate a close friend that we wanted to be in the wedding party.

During the wedding planning, my father-in-law at one point offered us $5,000 to just elope, to which we immediately said OK. He then had a change of heart. I think he really wanted to see us have a normal service.

We were fortunate that we both had similar tastes and neither of us had a family pushing us to have an elaborate service. To this day, I think my wife and I would probably have done it even cheaper if planning it all again. She probably would have preferred to just wear a nice summer dress/evening gown, and I would have preferred to just wear a suit, not a tuxedo.

We married on campus in our college's chapel in mid-May. In hindsight, the weather that day was perfect, and we wish that we had held the service outside. This would have made it even easier to make the service even more casual.

Fifteen years later, looking back on that day, what really matters most to us is the people that shared the day with us. No one will remember the flowers, napkin colors, what was served at the reception, what songs were sung, who the photographer was, etc. The only thing people remember is who was there with them. I think that is the most important part of the wedding, and frankly, for us, that is what it was all about. Declaring our love and dedication in front of family and friends.

15 years from now, the only important memories will be what good sex was like.

Elope or have a small, private ceremony and when you return have a very small reception for family and close friends. Take all that money you saved and buy a house.

We have friends who daughter is getting married this fall. The estimated cost is already around 50 grand. Neither of the couple have great jobs, dad is footing the bill.

If you aren't rich don't blow all your money on your wedding, you'll regret it later. Or at the very least, I can't imagine looking back 15 years after the fact and thinking, "man I'm glad I spend 20 grand on that one day and don't have it now"

I'm not married but I hope I can find somebody who has simple tastes. I can't see how you could spend a whole bunch of money on something that could easily get lost like a ring. Are there any women who would be happy with a silver wedding band? I took a class on how to make jewelry and I have made a pretty good silver band before so maybe I could do it again.

don't do it.

If I met a woman that had such extravagant tastes, such as those requiring an expensive wedding, I think I would run in the opposite direction, because things will only go downhill from there.

Montrealais wrote:

If I met a woman that had such extravagant tastes, such as those requiring an expensive wedding, I think I would run in the opposite direction, because things will only go downhill from there.

I totally agree with this sentiment. But my wife did not require anything. She really would have been happy with much less. And to be honest, I was sick to my stomach during the whole process looking at the costs.

However, now I feel that it was all worth it. Here are some things to keep in mind:

(1) chicks have to show their engagement rings to almost every single girl they meet for the rest of their lives. If you have the money, it's not a bad idea to spend a little extra. You can get something very nice for $1k I'd say. I spent extra because I could.

(2) throwing a party with a meal for 200+ people is EXPENSIVE. There is no way around it. However, it is a really great experience to have all of those friends and family in one place at one time. There are very few occasions like that in life. Besides weddings, you basically have funerals.

(3) If you don't have the money for all of this, don't sweat it. Do NOT go into debt. We did not take out a single loan, and footed over half the bill (much more than half if you include "other" expenses like the rings). We were very fortunate to have parents who could help. But if you can't spend that much, keep it simple. Of course you can have just as much fun with a big tent in someone's back yard, a friend acting as DJ, food cooked by neighbors, and some kegs + wine. Plus, you can go on a super cheap honeymoon that is just as nice as flying to some other country.

oops...my points (2) and (3) kind of contradict each other.

It is of course possible to have a cheaper reception/party, but not if it's at a decent venue and a larger city with a good caterer. That's what I meant. But you really don't need any of that.

Why in the world are you thinking about marriage? Getting married was the single worst decision of my adult life. It is just plain silliness. Marriage is simply for losers. Nothing good comes of a marriage. It has been proven that marriage cuts 5-10 years off of a person's life expectancy. Further it has been proven that marriage hinders career advancement.

Just don't do it.

I've been happily married for 14 years. We had a wedding with about 100 guests, and the entire thing from engagement ring to reception was a big fat waste of money.

Big weddings (defined here as more than 20 of closest friends and family) are for little girls that believe in fairy tales and the suckers who marry them. Grow up. If I could do it over again, I would elope -- and you should too. Pick a nice place that you always wanted to vacation in, say France or Italy, invite your closest friends and family (most of whom won't be willing to travel that far) and tie the knot memorably, but inexpensively.

Do not spend money you don't have on you engagement ring or wedding:

- Do not borrow money

- Do not use money you need to buy a house or other major purchase

Financial problems often wreck marriages. Don't start on a bad foot. After all this, if your spouse-to-be insists on spending money you don't have, then I suggest you reconsider your choice.

Engagement ring & wedding bands: $6,000

Wedding/reception: approaching $30,000

Wouldn't change anything. It was great. The honeymoon was even better.

We spent about $25k on the wedding (including rings ... $4k for her and $100 for me) and $10k on the honeymoon, and I wouldn't go back and change a thing. We had about 150 guests. Great food, quality open bar, cool venue, and we have some incredible pictures thanks to my wife's insistence that we hire some top notch photographers. We wanted to throw a great party for our friends and family, so we decided not to cut corners.

That being said, you can have a phenomenal wedding spending a small fraction of what we spent. Focus on what is important to you and what you can afford.

This is all good stuff, thanks lets run nation.

To clarify the situation, we are very middle class both in the 40s and 30s. Not rich, not poor. We will NOT go into debt, that would be dumb. We will probably have a bit of money help from the parents also.

She is actually the one that wants a smaller wedding. I kind of want a bigger (within reason) wedding.

I agree with the poster who said the engagement/wedding ring is the place to spend a little extra just because it will be shown off so much. The other two areas I want to be quality are the honeymoon and reception.

I'm thinking of not renting tuxes, but just having my groomsmen and ushers wear their own black suit with their own white shirt. I'll buy matching ties for everyone or something. Good idea? Bad idea?

My remaining question is: How much does it cost on average to rent a place for the reception, feed 150ish people, and hire a good band?

wind-bag-athon wrote:

Big weddings (defined here as more than 20 of closest friends and family) are for little girls that believe in fairy tales and the suckers who marry them. Grow up.

You did a better job of saying what I was trying to say.

People who say "You've GOT to buy her a big rock -- just think how many people are going to SEE it," are way too concerned about status, and impressing other people with appearances.