Woman I've been seeing meets criteria on my list but I'm having a hard time "feeling it" with her. Should I just ignore that?

the "arranged marriage" comment is odd and vaguely incel talk. we can't force the girl to be yours. we don't do much arranged marriage around here. and your description of your relationship is not serious, not engaged, much less arranged. suggesting a forced relationship is odd. it's a brutal counter-factual. normal people don't think to themselves, "but this could work in some sort of 1800s jane austen arranged thing." this is the modern world. she either likes you or not.

in the real world, in the modern world, in a non-coercive situation, either one of you is willing to move or not. if not, you can't be meaningfully married. and you're really just in an occasional fling. you are either ok with that or not.

the checklist discussion is a red herring at the moment. one, while i believe in dealbreakers, i think the more you load up some pseudo-rational list the more that abstraction gets in the way. my experience there are real items on the list -- the principles and dealbreakers -- and there's psychological bullsh*t. The One may surprise you. ergo to me it's dumb to run everyone by some lengthy list, some of which you don't mean. but it's smart to figure out what off that list is a dealbreaker and require that. say, i want committed and no cheating. vs. i think i might match well with a former runner. one is your ground rules. the other is farting about. to me the people who struggle to settle down can't tell one from the other.

two, if you're in a fling, you shouldn't be to the point of worrying about The List anyway. you're just having fun. you like them and enjoy the time. no more. if you start running them down The List, you maybe want More. if neither of you wants to move, there isn't a good base for More. so, since you started glancing at The List, do you really want More? is that where you are with her? with your life?

side point but if neither of you wants a commitment, then you're having a fling while playing the field. you are free to go out and meet other people, as is she. you can go mingle with other folks and see how that goes and if you meet someone who does want a relationship. and until you settle down in a commitment, you can leave the door open to Long Distance Girl when she visits. and if one of you catches feelings later, you then have a decision to make.

it may also be clarifying. you might decide you like this girl more or less after dating around. she might feel jealousy and figure out she does want something -- or decide she wants something elsewhere.

This poster thinks that men are honorable for "hit it and quit it" while women are dishonorable wanting money / security. We all know men who dated and married someone they don't like or respect. This poster is probably one of them given his lack of respect for all women.

A woman can have a money / security criteria and still marry for love, just as a man can have a criteria list and still marry for love.

Advice to OP. Keep dating other people, but don't lie and say you aren't. You will weither find this girl stands out by comparison or she doesn't. If she does, you will probably start to "feel it" more.

If you find a good, attractive partner who isn’t psycho and wants the same things out of life as you, that’s all you can really ask for.

OP.

Ignoring your "stupid feelings" in choosing a relationship seems to be the actual stupid thing here. Feelings are kind of important here.

Two questions, and then I can solve all of your problems:

1. Can you share the "objective list" that you keep mentioning, or at least some of the criteria?

2. Have you had sex with this woman?

1. Be attractive, share my values, have things we can enjoy doing together

2. No, I'm saving myself for marriage, and this isn't even a committed relationship.

Good Lord, you don't even know if she can do that grip thing with her kegel muscles...

One of two things is about to happen…

(1) You date her even though you’re not feeling it and push through a mid-long term relationship never realizing what you have because it came too easy.

(2) You choose not to pursue it, she moves on to the next guy, and you all of a sudden realize what you passed on but it’s too late.

Perhaps both of these things will happen in this order. This will then become a repeated pattern of behavior until you eventually settle for someone you also don’t fully appreciate because you’re scared of being alone after all the good girls you’ve passed on. That or you actually take time to work on yourself and learn to fully appreciate the human beings you’re with.

There's this much dithering over something that you don't even define as a "committed relationship?" Dude...

This is going to come off harsher than I intend it, but it's real talk from someone who was in your shoes at that age. I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I have an idea. You need to listen to your gut and trust that there's something tangible that makes you feel that way, even if you can't define it. You seem to care about this person at least a little. Don't they deserve to be with someone who is sure about them and does feel it? By prolonging this process, you're just delaying them from finding that person. You're stopping yourself, too. Sure, breaking up might hurt both of you in the short term, but it beats the long-term alternative. How would she feel if she found out you settled for her? How will you feel in 10 years if you're married with children and still not feeling it? How would either of you feel if the roles were reversed?

That said, your plan to spend more time together is valid. I'd 100% do that and see if a connection grows but only if you're committed to the possibility of there being real growth in the relationship. Or one of you could move but do not live together for at least a year of being in the same location. If your plan is to spend more time together just so you can go "Yeah, no" in like 6 months and then leave with a clear conscious, just leave now.

Finally, I'd argue your list needs a ton of work. There are so many more things that go into a healthy relationship than just attractiveness, shared values, and common interests. Build out the "shared values" aspect and get into the nitty gritty. Consider things like finances, communication styles, how each of you handles conflict, do you want children, career goals, life goals, matched libidos, sexual compatibility, what roles your families will have in your relationship, the capacity of each of you for individual growth and growth as a couple, where you'll f-ing live for crying out loud. I'm barely scratching the surface here, but you get the point.

Long post, and again, I'm sorry for the harsh tone, but it's the advice I wish someone would have given the younger version of me. Whatever you choose, I hope it works out for the best. Take care.

Is it racist if someone prefers their own race? Despite what you see in the media, most relationships are intraracial. What if he isn't white and prefers white girls? Is that racist?

I'm sure you have an age and body type preference. Does that make you ageist and sizeist? Even you have preferences, and you would be deluding yourself if you think otherwise. Where it gets ugly is if you seek out or avoid people based solely on your general preferences and where you don't see each person as an individual.

How old are you? I think in your 20's, you should try and date as many people as possible but with the mindset you are ok with breaking it off at any time if something's off. I dated a few women I knew weren't totally right for me but enjoyed hanging out with them. It was usually when a red flag popped up that I cut my losses; for me that was anger. If they yelled at me or at like a waiter, I'd usually break it off. I also sometimes just broke up with them after a few months because I didn't want to lead them on.

I think you should get to know as many women as possible on a deep level. That will set you up better when your finally ready to settle down.

It doesn't really matter whether you are feeling it or not, because you won't be ready for a real relationship until you stop coming to Let's Run for dating advice. In that case, the 4 hour drive probably isn't worth it for a temporary girlfriend.

There's a ton of things to hash out if this is going to be serious. Of course "shares my values" is pretty expansive, and the better thing is to say that I haven't found obvious ways she doesn't at this point. I'm trying to decide if I want to make it serious. I think it's possible for a "slow burn" kind of thing to happen, and I definitely want it to, I'm just worried that distance will make that harder.