Is anyone else in their 30s and still completely unsure whether or not they want kids? Like I can see myself regretting it either way and vice versa.
I really struggle to relate to and communicate with young kids, feel on edge around them. Maybe I'd learn.
If I fall in love with a woman who is dead set on starting a family I don't think I would stand in her way. But equally I think it's a bad idea to have kids unless at least 1 of you is absolutely certain about it.
Anecdotal evidence in my little experiment of one, but the people I know that are happiest in their 40's and 50's had their kids young.
And yes it's difficult being a young parent but that pays off by actually having a life when you are "middle aged." Your kids are grown and out of the house and you're just 40. Also you have the energy necessary to deal with little kids AND years later you can actually be a functional involved grandparent.
Ok but isn't being a grandparent basically the same thing as being a parent, but just less often?
If you have kids in your 20s you aren't going to ever live a free life exploring the world on your own. You'll always be held back by having kids, unless you sacrifice your parenting quality.
What exactly do you do at age 40 when you're married and paying loads of money for college every year? Even at 50 what do you do? Just basic stuff, like you aren't gonna go on an adventure around the world seriously. Buy a bigger car or house?
Every parent I know wishes they had their kids earlier and wishes they had more kids.
The pursuit of money and the idea of endless partying is the source of most of our misery and drug abuse. I did everything that people think they want (delayed marriage, make the money early, etc) and it wasn't that exciting. My life since I got married is so much better.
My sister did it the other way, having her kids right out of college at 22 when she was a lowly teacher. She now has a PhD, is a superintendent, has 3 grown kids and 3 grandchildren, is still young, and lives in a 3 million dollar house. She's had a perfect life.
Have the kids early. It makes you grow up fast. As soon as you're grown up, you figure out how to make the big $ because you have to. Also, kids make all the hard work worth it.
Just my 2 cents.
The $3Million house in Bay Area is a mobile home form 1980 you and your sister lived in.
Anecdotal evidence in my little experiment of one, but the people I know that are happiest in their 40's and 50's had their kids young.
And yes it's difficult being a young parent but that pays off by actually having a life when you are "middle aged." Your kids are grown and out of the house and you're just 40. Also you have the energy necessary to deal with little kids AND years later you can actually be a functional involved grandparent.
Ok but isn't being a grandparent basically the same thing as being a parent, but just less often?
If you have kids in your 20s you aren't going to ever live a free life exploring the world on your own. You'll always be held back by having kids, unless you sacrifice your parenting quality.
What exactly do you do at age 40 when you're married and paying loads of money for college every year? Even at 50 what do you do? Just basic stuff, like you aren't gonna go on an adventure around the world seriously. Buy a bigger car or house?
The people I know who had kids young are actually MORE selfish than the ones who had kids middle age 30-33.
the young parents are playing tennis all the time, divorced and dating in their 40s acting like they’re 20 and disregarding their kids. I mean, completely ignoring them and the kids are trying to fit into their young parents’ tennis and dating schedule.
Trying to define the proper way to do life is indeed idiotic.
But it appears that you do not understand the term, "zero sum game."
criticizing zero sum game guy is a zero sum game.
As is criticizing the guy who criticizes the zero sum game guy.
But it is NOT a zero sum game to criticize the guy who criticizes the guy who criticizes the zero sum game guy so don't even try to get started on that!
Ok but isn't being a grandparent basically the same thing as being a parent, but just less often?
If you have kids in your 20s you aren't going to ever live a free life exploring the world on your own. You'll always be held back by having kids, unless you sacrifice your parenting quality.
What exactly do you do at age 40 when you're married and paying loads of money for college every year? Even at 50 what do you do? Just basic stuff, like you aren't gonna go on an adventure around the world seriously. Buy a bigger car or house?
The people I know who had kids young are actually MORE selfish than the ones who had kids middle age 30-33.
the young parents are playing tennis all the time, divorced and dating in their 40s acting like they’re 20 and disregarding their kids. I mean, completely ignoring them and the kids are trying to fit into their young parents’ tennis and dating schedule.
A life perfectly planned and executed doesn’t always turn out like you expect. Lets see, true story: 1) Wife and I married at 25, 2) Both work, buy first home at 27, 3) First kid at 27, 2nd at 29, 3rd at 35 and 4th at 39. Somewhere in there we buy larger home because we were doing so well.
All was well. Or so it seemed. At 39 wife becomes addicted to Oxycontin. I’ll spare you the gross details, but it was awful, and, we and a number of others were well represented in the Hulu documentary “Dopesick”.
However, more twists, not all of them bad. I get custody of the kids in the divorce, raise kids who turned into excellent adults. Even more time goes buy. I forgive the X and encourage the kids to do the same, and while they’ll never trust her, it is relatively cordial. I now have three grand kids with another one on the way. Life is good
I happily retire, immediately over-train and become injured….. this is a running thread after all….
I have to laugh anytime someone tries to fit an entire philosophy of life onto a bumper sticker.
Rarely achieved but a lot of red states folks do it either because they achieved quite a bit or they can afford to because they live lower cost of living areas.
It’s pretty good advice, but it’s not for everyone.
I was married at 25. First kid at 30, my wife was 27. I definitely should have invested more in my 20s, but at least I bought a house back then.
I have 12 years left on my mortgage. My kids are 14 and 16, and I’m in my mid 40s. My wife still stays at home and takes my youngest son to school and picks him up from cross country, cooks and cleans
I’ll be about 50 when they are both in college. I should be able to retire at 58 but I’ll probably keep working until 62-65 because I like to spend money and I don’t hate my job.
I’m a little envious of friends and colleagues making as much or near what I do and also have a wife making 6 figures. To me it’s still worth having someone always available to do what is needed at the house or with the kids, and she is great at being a mom.
At the same time, I understand the single life or the dual income for pre-designed booths / no kids life. To each his/her own.
In today’s fast-paced world, living life to the fullest requires balance, adaptability, and purpose. Prioritizing mental and physical well-being is essential, with mindfulness, exercise, and a healthy diet forming the foundation of a fulfilling life. Embracing technology while staying grounded in personal relationships helps maintain connections in an increasingly digital society. Lifelong learning and adaptability are key to thriving in a world where change is constant.
Our biology dictates our needs, our urges, and how we "should" live. The farther you stray from the natural order the more you will suffer mental health issues, confusion, direction lessness, drug use and abuse.
(2) Both work, pay down house and build a big 401(K) nest egg
(3) At 30 have kids and wife can be a SAHM
Meh, there's clearly a lot of ways to "do life" nowadays, and even a lot of ways to "do life" properly. My own n of 1 is going as follows:
1) Go to college; meet future spouse if you're lucky
2) Be single for awhile and prioritize experiences/travel (e.g., backback Europe on a shoestring budget); try out different professional opportunities; if you aren't totally burnt out from running in college, now is the time to run a fast marathon or whatever (I was burnt out, but so many of my teammates ran well during this time)
3) Get married relatively young (25 for me)
4) Both work and/or support each other through grad/professional school; start investing -- this is a good time to grind (biglaw for us)
4) Have kids relatively young (first at 29 for me)
5) Both keep working and building careers (even though it is definitely tough at times with young kids); to that end, consider prioritizing lifestyle over highest possible income so you have real time with your kids (in-house/government for us); continue investing, even if just to maintain the habit when $$ are tight (same with running by the way -- keep doing it now even when it is hard and you don't have time for it just to maintain the habit)
6) Achieve a level of success/autonomy/independence at work (senior management/high-value individual contributor for us) that allows you to spend the time you want (and they need) with your kids as they get older and support them as they hit middle/high school; prioritize experiences/travel as a family; keep investing (and now hopefully you do have a serious nest egg because you've been investing since the early days and also continuing to grow in your own career); keep running because now that the kids are older and more independent you can actually train for stuff again (I'm still hitting some lifetime PRs at this stage)
7) Keep working until kids are in college or otherwise out of the house; continue working after that until you achieve financial independence -- now is a time to either refocus on career goals (e.g., c-suite) or to start dialing back (e.g., consulting, mentorship), or if you've got the $$, maybe just retire and prioritize experiences/travel while you're relatively young
I'm solidly at stage 6 right now, with stage 7 kinda sorta coming into sight, assuming no catestrophic health issues or other life disasters (though both working and investing throughout can presumably help mitigate the effects of these if they do come). I don't think either of us would ever have thrived as a SAHP and certainly don't think my kids suffered for not having that, but I also recognize that it can work well for folks. Biggest emerging challenge now not addressed above is dealing with our own aging parents -- doing our best, but that is definitely not fun.
Doing anything permanent in your early 20s is foolish for most males. Yes - this includes arguably the most important decision you will ever make in life - who you marry. Good god - the # of dumb$hit things I did in my early 20s is countless.
Your 3-point-plan is dead in the water my friend. Time to reassess.
Our biology dictates our needs, our urges, and how we "should" live. The farther you stray from the natural order the more you will suffer mental health issues, confusion, direction lessness, drug use and abuse.
Very well stated.
Someone else mentioned not being sure about having kids, which I understand. And I'll tie that into the group of women that SWEAR they're just as happy without kids (which how you could know that, I have no idea). But when you actually decide to follow your biology and procreate (if you can, if you can't that's another subject) then life changes in ultimately a more complete and fulfilling way.
Now other people's kids? Keep them the hell away from me. Mine are enough.
Doing anything permanent in your early 20s is foolish for most males. Yes - this includes arguably the most important decision you will ever make in life - who you marry. Good god - the # of dumb$hit things I did in my early 20s is countless.
Your 3-point-plan is dead in the water my friend. Time to reassess.
Here's the thing, IF you get married and have kids in your 20's that will act as a check on "stupid stuff" you were doing in your 20's. The reason you were doing stupid stuff then is because you were in your 20's but living the life of a 16 year old. You were a grown man but you had the responsibility of an adolescent.
By getting married and having kids you, as a man, are forced to be an adult and make grown up adult decisions.
You run into unfulfillment if you're constantly preoccupied about image like you're in the Gram for everyone to see. You probably also get jealous of anyone you perceive to be doing better than you.
It's kind of funny when you think about it and watch others in the rat race. They think they're all that with their nice car that's not paid off or average house that's also not even paid off that looks similar to every house surrounding it. Many replicate their average at best DNA and the thought of them doing that in bed would make most want to puke. They got married and promised to each other it would be forever but predominantly the arrangement ends in divorce, negatively affecting millions of innocent kid in the process of their poor decisions. On top of that they're all obsessively but subtly trying to keep up with all their neighbors who are doing the same thing while complaining to their peers at work or at the daycare and talking shiz to blow off the steam. It's a redundant weekly process that resets every Monday, when everyone's misery is at its peak. The matrix is in complete control and there's nothing we can do about it.
The harder you try to make a perfect life, the further away it will become. There isn’t a perfect road map, everyone is different.
Personally, had a kid in college and we decided to get married young. Kid sped up the timeline but don’t get married just because of kids. It forced us to grow up faster, more motivation career wise and financially. Had another kid and kept it moving. Worked for us but won’t for everyone.
Heck might not work for us in 10 years, things change all the time.
Life is a long game, do your best to make it a good experience
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