My girlfriend has a victim mentality. Not saying her life is or has been easy or anything, but she seems to have the mentality that her life has been harder than everyone else's and that nobody else deals with crap too. I've come to notice she doesn't really seem to have much ability to "roll with the punches" of pretty normal life, like fairly small things happen, and she'll go on and on about them, like things I would either not even mention or only just mention and then move on from. Several times now I have tried to relate some experience of hers to something in my life that was either the same or very similar to kind of be an example, and she always immediately brings the attention back to her and how hard things are for her.
I find this all to be extremely childish and unproductive. There are a lot of great things about her, but I've honestly been thinking if this attitude doesn't change, I don't really see someone like this as any sort of long term partner. Feels like I'm tending to whining baby a lot of the time, not sharing my life with an equal adult.
Anyone have any advice on people like this? I have tried to get through her some, but nothing seems to be working...
That is her thing. If she is really hot, you put up with it. They all got faults.
OP here... I've been trying, guys. She has said some things that makes her seem like a low-key manhater now too... I just don't see any relationship with her working out long term at this point. I feel like there's only so much I can do on my end with someone like this... Feeling pretty awful about it tbh. Had high hopes for things in the beginning.
First you said girlfriend has a victim mentality because she fixates on "fairly small things." Then you said that you tried talking to her about "different things" and it appeared she had a "fixed mindset rather than a growth mindset." Now she's a manhater because she "said some things."
Not sure how you expect anyone to give you good advice when you're being this vague.
She needs therapy. Viewing oneself as a victim, even in the wake of some really bad events, is very harmful to progress in life. No matter what the politics of the psychotherapist, all will try to get a patient to build self-worth based on their character, even if this proof of character comes from overcoming a bad situation.
In some cases, the patient has severe character flaws-a narcissist-but they are never walking in the office in the first place.
If she commits to changing her view of herself and is making progress, she is datable. If she doesn't move off this mentality, she will remain miserable and as a result, you will suffer.
She needs therapy. Viewing oneself as a victim, even in the wake of some really bad events, is very harmful to progress in life. No matter what the politics of the psychotherapist, all will try to get a patient to build self-worth based on their character, even if this proof of character comes from overcoming a bad situation.
In some cases, the patient has severe character flaws-a narcissist-but they are never walking in the office in the first place.
If she commits to changing her view of herself and is making progress, she is datable. If she doesn't move off this mentality, she will remain miserable and as a result, you will suffer.
She needs therapy. Viewing oneself as a victim, even in the wake of some really bad events, is very harmful to progress in life. No matter what the politics of the psychotherapist, all will try to get a patient to build self-worth based on their character, even if this proof of character comes from overcoming a bad situation.
In some cases, the patient has severe character flaws-a narcissist-but they are never walking in the office in the first place.
If she commits to changing her view of herself and is making progress, she is datable. If she doesn't move off this mentality, she will remain miserable and as a result, you will suffer.
She goes to therapy... Said she bopped around different therapists and didn't like any of them until the one she works with now who she found in August or September. She says it helps. I'm very supportive and think it's great she's going. But. She has also told me that while part of her wants to talk about the big things from her life, she always runs out of time because there's too much stuff from the week she has to talk about. Knowing her pretty well at this point, I imagine her therapy sessions mainly consist of her kind of ranting about whatever happened at work that week, not really much beyond that. I'm still very supportive, but I'm not sure that's really doing a whole lot of good. I have offered other mediums that have helped me (books, podcasts, etc), and she pretty much flat out told me she has no interest in them and don't think things like that work at all even though one of the books I told her about has thousands of 5 star reviews and people saying in their reviews that it saved their life, etc.
She had something happen to her all the way back in June of last year, and she is still seemingly traumatized by it and is still very much in victim mode over it. It's a crappy thing, but it's nothing truly horrible, more like one of those crappy things that happens in life sometimes. She complains about men to me and has posted things on social media basically saying men are more successful than women because #sexism, yet at the same time she watches hours of tv on the couch every night after work rather than doing anything productive like exercising or working on a skill or something. It's very tough for me to have patience with someone like that...
This all stinks because she really does have a lot of great qualities too. She is smart, pretty, and can be very fun. But there have been times when I can't help but view her as someone with a major loser mentality... It's really bumming me out.
People can change, even ones with a victim mentality. I won't presume to think that I've been in your situation, but a lot of things you said ring true (the sexism thing, the watching hours of TV thing, the recommending therapy thing). Could it be that she's depressed, too?
Honestly, it sounds like you're doing all you can. You clearly care about her, and you seem like a good person. If you didn't care, you'd have left by now. The only thing I'd say is that if your relationship turns verbally/emotionally abusive, as mine did, think about leaving immediately. I didn't, and I wish I had either recognized it immediately and addressed it while we were dating or left the relationship entirely. I knew the yelling, criticism, name calling, etc weren't ok or healthy, but I never knew verbal/emotional abuse was a thing or how to address it. I thought it was a part of "adult" relationships or at least the price of admission to be in this one. I'm generally a strong person, and I told myself I could deal with it and that I needed to be there for her. Besides, it wasn't constant abuse, so how bad could yelling or being called an a-hole/told "F you" really be? So I stayed, got married, had kids, suffered through years of abuse (headaches, cardiac issues, depression, thoughts of suicide...it's been fun). For me, it all shifted when the kids were getting yelled at and I couldn't protect them from it AND when I saw my neighbor across the street dealing with verbal abuse. I knew that would be me in 20 years if I didn't take action now. If you chose to stay, I'll say that things can get better if she's committed to putting in the work and you're committed to being there for her. I'm seeing that now in my marriage. Anyway, I include all that just as a cautionary tale. If none of it applies to you, that's awesome and you should feel free disregard it.
It does sound like you're trying to figure out if you want to stay in the relationship, though. A therapist can help you with that, but know that having a partner with a victim mentality is a totally valid reason to end a relationship. It's exhausting, and it will drag you down, too. I guess my main point is to take care of this now before too much damage is done. You don't want to end up in your 40s and be trying to pick up the pieces. It sucks so much.
She needs therapy. Viewing oneself as a victim, even in the wake of some really bad events, is very harmful to progress in life. No matter what the politics of the psychotherapist, all will try to get a patient to build self-worth based on their character, even if this proof of character comes from overcoming a bad situation.
In some cases, the patient has severe character flaws-a narcissist-but they are never walking in the office in the first place.
If she commits to changing her view of herself and is making progress, she is datable. If she doesn't move off this mentality, she will remain miserable and as a result, you will suffer.
She goes to therapy... Said she bopped around different therapists and didn't like any of them until the one she works with now who she found in August or September. She says it helps. I'm very supportive and think it's great she's going. But. She has also told me that while part of her wants to talk about the big things from her life, she always runs out of time because there's too much stuff from the week she has to talk about. Knowing her pretty well at this point, I imagine her therapy sessions mainly consist of her kind of ranting about whatever happened at work that week, not really much beyond that. I'm still very supportive, but I'm not sure that's really doing a whole lot of good. I have offered other mediums that have helped me (books, podcasts, etc), and she pretty much flat out told me she has no interest in them and don't think things like that work at all even though one of the books I told her about has thousands of 5 star reviews and people saying in their reviews that it saved their life, etc.
She had something happen to her all the way back in June of last year, and she is still seemingly traumatized by it and is still very much in victim mode over it. It's a crappy thing, but it's nothing truly horrible, more like one of those crappy things that happens in life sometimes. She complains about men to me and has posted things on social media basically saying men are more successful than women because #sexism, yet at the same time she watches hours of tv on the couch every night after work rather than doing anything productive like exercising or working on a skill or something. It's very tough for me to have patience with someone like that...
This all stinks because she really does have a lot of great qualities too. She is smart, pretty, and can be very fun. But there have been times when I can't help but view her as someone with a major loser mentality... It's really bumming me out.
Not liking therapists and changing them can mean different things such as they make her take responsibility for her actions. Finding one she likes means someone that agrees with her. Be very careful when they say stuff like that.
My girlfriend has a victim mentality. Not saying her life is or has been easy or anything, but she seems to have the mentality that her life has been harder than everyone else's and that nobody else deals with crap too. I've come to notice she doesn't really seem to have much ability to "roll with the punches" of pretty normal life, like fairly small things happen, and she'll go on and on about them, like things I would either not even mention or only just mention and then move on from. Several times now I have tried to relate some experience of hers to something in my life that was either the same or very similar to kind of be an example, and she always immediately brings the attention back to her and how hard things are for her.
I find this all to be extremely childish and unproductive. There are a lot of great things about her, but I've honestly been thinking if this attitude doesn't change, I don't really see someone like this as any sort of long term partner. Feels like I'm tending to whining baby a lot of the time, not sharing my life with an equal adult.
Anyone have any advice on people like this? I have tried to get through her some, but nothing seems to be working...
A lot of people are way too eager to believe this story. This guy could be a total dick for all we know.
People can change, even ones with a victim mentality. I won't presume to think that I've been in your situation, but a lot of things you said ring true (the sexism thing, the watching hours of TV thing, the recommending therapy thing). Could it be that she's depressed, too?
Honestly, it sounds like you're doing all you can. You clearly care about her, and you seem like a good person. If you didn't care, you'd have left by now. The only thing I'd say is that if your relationship turns verbally/emotionally abusive, as mine did, think about leaving immediately. I didn't, and I wish I had either recognized it immediately and addressed it while we were dating or left the relationship entirely. I knew the yelling, criticism, name calling, etc weren't ok or healthy, but I never knew verbal/emotional abuse was a thing or how to address it. I thought it was a part of "adult" relationships or at least the price of admission to be in this one. I'm generally a strong person, and I told myself I could deal with it and that I needed to be there for her. Besides, it wasn't constant abuse, so how bad could yelling or being called an a-hole/told "F you" really be? So I stayed, got married, had kids, suffered through years of abuse (headaches, cardiac issues, depression, thoughts of suicide...it's been fun). For me, it all shifted when the kids were getting yelled at and I couldn't protect them from it AND when I saw my neighbor across the street dealing with verbal abuse. I knew that would be me in 20 years if I didn't take action now. If you chose to stay, I'll say that things can get better if she's committed to putting in the work and you're committed to being there for her. I'm seeing that now in my marriage. Anyway, I include all that just as a cautionary tale. If none of it applies to you, that's awesome and you should feel free disregard it.
It does sound like you're trying to figure out if you want to stay in the relationship, though. A therapist can help you with that, but know that having a partner with a victim mentality is a totally valid reason to end a relationship. It's exhausting, and it will drag you down, too. I guess my main point is to take care of this now before too much damage is done. You don't want to end up in your 40s and be trying to pick up the pieces. It sucks so much.
Thank you for the story and the info, sincerely. She is not the type to turn abusive at all, and I wouldn't stand for that anyway. Have already ridden that ride to some extent in a relationship years ago. Learned my lesson.
It's difficult for me because the relationship IS decent a lot of the time, she DOES have a lot of good qualities, but there are a couple things that are honestly flat out dealbreakers for me. I've stayed this long seeing how things went, if there were signs of growth etc, because of the other positive things. There HAVE been productive conversations. At the same time, I honestly think it is going to take her multiple years to overcome the issues she has, and I feel like by staying I'm also kind of enabling her. She has told me I'm by far the best boyfriend she's had, and I know it's true because I've looked up her two major exes. I think part of that is that normally guys like me wouldn't really give someone like her a chance after spotting her issues, which I'm very aware is as much of a criticism of me as it is her.
The biggest issue for me is that I can see exactly what she should do to address her problems, but she won't really do it. I am VERY proactive when it comes to fixing problems in my life, so it kind of drives me crazy to have to sit back and watch someone just wallow in shiet and do nothing about it. I don't want to sound arrogant or anything, but I'm pretty successful in my life and have worked really hard to get here and am going to be even more successful in a couple years (I'm finishing graduate school right now), and my friends are all like that too. It's hard for me to see myself paired up with someone who whines and complains about every day life stuff and won't do a lot of the basic things necessary to have a decent life.
I feel like I'm on the verge of ending things... Just struggling with going through with it.
It sounds like personal growth is very important to you and that you also want her to change and grow as a person, right? I think that's reasonable. Any relationship changes over time, hopefully for the better. That said, there's only so much a person is willing to or able to change. Moreover, they have to want to make the change for themselves, not because their partner is telling them they need to. If you're finishing graduate school and preparing to enter the workforce, it's a time of big transitions for you. If you're considering ending the relationship, maybe take a pause instead and see other people or just be single? It could inspire your girlfriend to work on herself. Maybe you'll get more clarity about what you need from a partner and what you can live without. No matter what you do, I think you're asking the appropriate questions and are on the right path. Good luck!
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