How important is quality of sex in choosing a long term partner? (Serious)

would you feel comfortable teaching them to have the kind of sex you like? what about the sex specifically isn't as enjoyably as with your ex? is it a minor issue like lack of experience? or do you think it hints at greater psychological incompatibilities?

I was in your exact situation 17 years ago. I won't go into my situation but will state that I wish I had moved on rather than marrying my 7/10 who hit all the other non-sex boxes. Even at the risk of being single the rest of my life. I do have two amazing kids out of the deal and wouldn't change that but wish I had made a better choice in a partner.

If the quality of sex is so important, then you don't actually like the person. You just like having sex with the person. Sex is such a small part of being married. And when you're 55 the sex you had when you were 30 is pretty irrelevant. I'd say 'quality of sex' is not even a top 5 concern.

I think sex is like many other things in life, you like to do something more with one person vs others. Ever have a friend that you like to run with, but maybe not go to a party with or travel with? You interact differently with different people and people bring out different sides of your personality. The same can be applied to sex.

Some partners, you two can go at it like porn stars, while others are more tame. For some reason they don't bring out "that side" of you and vise versa.

Some people have asked me to elaborate, so I will.

First of all, some of you are misconstruing what I said. My ex who I had great sex with is still a good person who I enjoy spending time with. There are no major incompatibilities. We are wired a bit differently on some things, but none of it is a deal-breaker or anything. I enjoy spending time with her.

How was the sex different? With my ex, I would give her full-body orgasms literally every time, she absolutely loved it and appreciated it, and it was always something that made us feel really connected, and we just fit better down there, like anatomically so. Even if I wore a condom (which we abandoned after a couple months of dating), I never had any trouble whatsoever climaxing. It always felt amazing. Sex was something that really made us feel close and bonded together. There was an emotional component. It was nice.

With the girl I just started dating, we align more in terms of life goals and ambition, and the sex is good, but it feels like an almost purely physical activity. We both enjoy it, but even if she climaxes, it's nothing like with my ex, and it feels more like I'm having sex with just someone who is hot rather than having a deep, emotionally intimate experience.

All of this might be a pointless discussion because I'm not sure my ex would take me back. I already broke her heart once. That's a long story, but part of it is that I met her not long after a very serious relationship in my life had ended, and my head was kind of messed up and not in the right place. We still talk and even hang out regularly though (she is very forgiving). This is actually part of why I've been thinking about her more lately. We spend a fair bit of time together just as friends, and it's still fun and nice. I miss having sex with her even though I'm having lots of sex with someone else. That kind of says something to me now that I'm thinking about it as I write this...

Go with the girl u miss.

life with this one will become hollow too over time.

chemistry is indescribable. sez is just a component.

Because sex is a God-given gift intended for a loving, committed marriage, and for child bearing. To engage in sex outside of marriage is to attempt to reduce it to a physical act only, to something merely biological. It isn’t and can’t be. Witness the legion of broken people who use sex as something disposable. Sex outside of marriage is like letting the fire in your hearth burn down your house.

So marry young. It’s an option.

I would say not so important but with a caveat. It's only not so important because in my case I'm not that attracted to my partner physically. I have dated women I was more attracted to and had better sex with. I think "post nuptial shutoff" would have been a problem then. But now it's me who is doing the "shutting off". I don't feel great about that, but it's difficult for me to to be physically attracted to a woman who seems not to be interested in having a healthy body. It has just become a general disillusionment with sex. I don't think I can ever really be satisfied sexually. I've never been able to maintain a stable relationship with a woman I was really attracted to.

When I look around at people I know, I see what looks similar in other people. Although people almost never talk about this kind of thing publicly or even with friends.

This is just a man who doesn’t have good sex with his wife talking and self deceiving himself. If good sex doesn’t matter why do the majority of couples in marriage cheat?? Also love has NOTHING to do with sex/Desire. Desire is lost where you have love. Love is lost where there is aka good sex.

Sex is the most important aspect of a relationship, it IS THE CONNECTION. Everything else is just extra. Most people get divorced after 30 years of marriage, so if you want to stay together it better be amazing. You got to think as well, most relationships before marriage also end, so pretty much 99% of relationships end.

also factor in the fact/bias that most men and women don’t like talking about how much sex means to them - so all these answers are bias. But I guess 10% of men in marriages with women are GAY! So of course lots of men would say sex doesn’t matter 😂 they just are lying to themselves

Yeah this guy is a massive pu$$$$$y. I’m 30 and my testosterone and sex drive higher than ever. Sex is all that matters in your 30s. I’ve been meeting beautiful women taking lsd and having the time of ours lives. If you don’t have tantric life changing sex at least once a month are you even alive?

lol all the old men here just skim over these comments as they remember 20years ago having had the last good sex of their lives before their wives shut them off and started using “toys”

I'd say it's pretty damn important. They say that humans can be their most open and raw emotionally with each other when they have sex. I can think of a few situations that highlight what I learned about relationship dynamics through the lens of sex.

One woman I was dating on-and-off for a couple years. I thought she was everything I could possibly want in an ideal girlfriend or wife: conventionally attractive (friends considered her "hot"), well-educated, good career, reserved with good manners, fit and highly capable runner. We rarely had sex, not even once a month. When we did, it was awesome. She loved it and felt great. However, her tendency was to just lay there inactively during the intercourse. It took me far longer than average to climax, as a result. She was not into flirting or seducing so it was always up to me to initiate. And when I knew she would just lay there like a dead fish, it wasn't easy to get the motivation to initiate. So I had to be really horny around her to make it happen. Not sustainable and it turned out that she had a really low opinion of herself (psychological condition) and turned that into blunt, thoughtless criticism of others. Me included. This didn't end well.

Another woman I dated for a few months met a few of the criteria that the woman above exhibited. Unfortunately, that included a far more aggressive case of that psychological condition (I know, where do I find them?) and in that time we were around each other quite regularly yet never had sex. It was like trying to penetrate a fortress of anxiety to get her in the mood. That also didn't end well and did so far later than it really should have.

Years later, I met my wife. We connected well and she hit on all the important criteria, including being able to laugh easily and be light and fun. She's a wonderful person (has many friends, well regarded at work) which is something I hadn't weighted heavily enough before that. We easily got into having sex on the cliche third date. She told me I was the first guy to give her orgasm through intercourse. While dating, it was pretty hot and heavy and then once we were married and living together that naturally faded from life's routine. We still love touching each other all the time, kiss many times daily. We have a happy, affectionate, and loving life together. She has complained that we don't have sex as often, but that's not a regular thing. It is tough with kids in the house and a routine that doesn't leave a lot of open spots when both of our energy is good.

This is all to say that great sex isn't an end in and of itself. It can reveal something significant about how you respond to someone else without even realizing it consciously. Initial lust will fade quickly if the person you're with isn't decent and enjoyable company, on balance. Initial lust will fade quickly if the person you're with makes poor decisions or puts you in poor positions that you can't understand. Sexual attraction should sustain if your well-being and happiness is demonstrably important to the person you're with. Sexual attraction should sustain if the person you're with shows that they accept you fully and can overlook your shortcomings. Sexual attraction should sustain if the high points of the person you're with overshadow their shortcomings.

A buddy of mine (also married with kids) has bad anxiety. He also complains about his wife's PNSO. I've let him know, in subtle terms, that this is because one or both of them can't relax enough to get the other one in the mood often enough to get to the space of enjoying sex together again. Sex life has a lot of connections to the rest of life, what you're experiencing otherwise in marriage and in work and leisure can easily lead to or away from good sex. In extreme situations, it will lead to cheating.

You waited too long and now you're having to make do. Hot, agreeable women get taken quickly by other guys. You are doing well with the thinking about being more agreeable personality-wise, because thats what you will have to think about in a marriage to somebody you are less attracted to over the years.

That thing you said about never being seriously tempted to stray with your ex - thats the feeling you should be looking for to get married. Nobody really needs to get married these days - the only point is if the person you're with is really special to you and gives you that feeling you describe.

If you're going to stay with your current girlfriend or be in a relationship with anyone else in the near future, you need to go 100% no contact with the ex, at least for a while. This is a bigger issue than sex. Figure out what/who you want and act accordingly.

20 years from now, as long as she's willing to let you sweat on her and grind out your 20 drunken pushes, that's all the romance you'll need.

I only date women into kinks and fetishes. Anyone not open minded like that & I’m going to end things quickly.

I disagree. Imagine being married to a woman who kink shames you

Thanks for your input. I think it’s a little insulting but it’s certainly a perspective.

I'm 37, married with 2 little kids. IMO -- I think "good sex" is important, but you're going to logistically run into long stretches without sex after kids are born. I won't get into all the reasons why, but it's just not feasible for long periods of time for most people. I think the MOST important thing is that during those stretches, you're able to communicate about getting it back on track and you both have a desire to do so, if that makes sense. I think actually having "good sex" is less important than being aligned with your partner that it's important.

I also got most of that out of my system and got married later in life.

To me, the most important part of a relationship is that my wife doesn't really have a crazy side. I value her sanity, self-awareness and sense of humor as being 100% more important than frequent boning.