Post-nuptial shutoff?

That's why this thread is so awesome awesome awesome.

Someone pours their heart out with some really soul searching quality stuff that many people can relate to, and then the next poster drops the anal bomb. Outstanding. Both of the last two posts.

It's this combination of honesty, insight, and humor that I keep coming back to read.

But no, Mr. Need Data, no need to pat yourself on the back any further for stumbling onto this topic.

"Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in awhile." :-]

I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

shit, nigga. that was GREAT!

best story of the year on the boards. you had me on the edge of my seat.

congrats!

you beat the system (and the bitch). what a whore! ha ha ahah aha. a kid by a prick in a shitty banD!!

you won!

Classic. Pretty f'd up to not tell her about your snip-job, but still classic.

I know a guy who paid child support to some whack-job for 6 years. When she decided to go for more $$, he insisted on a paternity test. It came back that he was not the father.

Sure, he was out the six years of child support, but she was out any future support from him, she had to track down the "real" father, the six year-old was out the only father she ever knew, and this was all because the cheating tramp got greedy.

Wow, after reading most of these posts, I've been convinced into not getting married untill at least 30. I figure that I'll still have 7 good years left of fun before the axe falls.

I feel for all of my buddies who are in their early 20s and are getting engaged....poor fellas don't know what's gonna hit them before it's too late.

To all complainers;

Learn to f*** properly and she'll be coming back for more and more. So often that you'll get sick of it.

When they want to snatch you (=the meal ticket) they pretend to like your way however unsatisfying it may be, faked orgasms with all kinds of phony platitudes and all.

In running, the objective is to do it in as little time as possible. f***ing is the very opposite you have to stretch it for as long as possible.

Most, if not all women need 15 minutes of direct clit stimulation to finish the race. That's with direct stimulation. Any indirect stimulation prolongs the race. The fact that you have the dick inside does not mean there is direct stimulation. You have to make sure the dick presses aganst the clit. And, in a tight pussy or a poorly lubricated one, no way you'll last 15 minutes due to high friction. Keep that in mind next time you f*** her. Get her ready any way you can and when the pussy juices are profusely flowing down her ass, then and only then it's time to stick it in.

Let me guess.... you change the oil on your car yourself during your lunch break.

Well, isn't that special.......Does your mother know you talk that way?

Unless you learn to run properly with a good form and all even ritz will lap you several times over.

Unless you learn the proper lovemaking technique you'll be exchanged for a vibrator in a matter of weeks after nuptials.

&*%%## wrote:

Well, isn't that special.......Does your mother know you talk that way?

his mother was the broad that taught him all of that

I've spent the last decade caring for both of my parents, one now deceased, who have had significant health issues.

Sorry. I've been out of the dating game for quite a while and honestly have no real compulsion to jump back in.

The last date I had, which was arranged, found me thinking

"Oh Man, why am I going through this again?" I had no real enthusiasm, but had hopes that maybe She might be at least interesting...she wasn't.

Dating, nevermind sex, has been forced 'way onto the back burner, as has my running. I'm really a mid-packer now and hope, since the remaining parent's condition has stabilized enough, that I can train with some regularity again.

To be perfectly honest I never met any woman who really and honestly rang the bell for me from a personality standpoint that would leave me feeling confident enough to take the big leap. I might add I never EVER was unfaithful to any past dates or girlfriends and never dated more than one woman at a time. I don't know if that makes me unique or not.

"Growth"? Whatever. It's all a question of perspective. I watched my one Brother get married, and divorced, twice, which was a heck of an object lesson. That and being told to my face by a former friend that my taste in woman was

'unrealistic'.

I didn't "stumble onto the topic" I asked a question and the thread grew. Are you a moderator?

hey man, i know the fact that i'm an anonymous guy on a running message board (and my screen name is rather, how shall we say, lively)so makes this hard to take as truth or genuine but///

don't settle man. sounds like you bring (or would bring) a lot to the table in a relationship with a woman. sounds like you know what you want and won't settle for less, despite claims of your taste being 'unrealistic'. you never know man, ya just might meet that one who matches perfectly when you'd least expect it. and if not, hey, at lest you didnn't just jump into relationship/marriage cuz it was the frickin' thing to do and you felt 'your clock ticking'. bullshit. you;re too good for that and you KNOW it.

don't settle.

Wow. Thanks. We'll see what life holds in store for us all.

bump

How To Eat Pu**y:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTicgXOTofc

Great story!!! But as a married musician, I must object!

Vascectomy Runner - that story has been making the rounds with a few slight variations since men started getting snipped. It similiar to the story of the guy at the Fri night buffet at the fast food joint who has the runs and doesn't quite make it to sit on the toilet and craps all over. That surfaces every year or so, too. You can do better.

Doesn't matter it's a great f*cking story.