Post-nuptial shutoff?

Naked Farmer wrote:

I have been married for 25 years. The last 19 or so have been all work for her 97% and in return, sex 3%. If I act aggressive I'm a dog but it is ok for her to shut down. I know why men have affairs. I don't want to be unfaithful but she makes it d#*m hard. We live in such a feminized society that makes men out to be stupid with only one thing on their minds. I don't buy this any more, I can't help the testoserone pumping through me every day. You wonder why the divorce rate is so high! I've gotten used to the once a year obligation but I just wish she wouldn't say "What, again?"

As a woman, I am suprised at the number of sexless marraiges. Not ALL women are like this. My husband and I are happily married, and have sex at least 4-5 times a week. He turns me down every once in a while, but I never turn him down. I enjoy sex, but even when "I'm not in the mood" I just don't think its fair to turn him down since I am the only one he can do this with. Also, I know that once it starts I ALWAYS enjoy it & usually want to go for a 2nd round. Our sex has always been amazing, and I always enjoy it. Our chemistry is great, and we are very compatable. I do know women who do not enjoy sex, so there are women out there that just aren't into it.

Also, my husband treats me VERY well, and is always helping with the kids, house, etc. So, not ALL women shut down after marraige. I certainly don't plan on it.

Shutoff, what shutoff? You guys must not be doing it right.

WHAT? ...my thread is STILL going? ye cats I never expected THIS!

Hmmmm. Is our culture oversexed, or did I just really hit a nerve with this?

So many of you are being honest, I guess I will too:

I have posted under many names as have many of you. Some of my questions have been serious, as this one was, seeking information.

Some were fun...or responding to others for data and an times entertainment.

I'd really like to hear, however, from the single women now on this one if that's OK with everyone.

I don't suppose any of you want to know what pseudonyms or nom plumes I've used, so I'll stick with "need data" on all my future posts.

Funny how reading all these posts generated that response from me.

...anyway, any gals want to contribute?

I'm not single, but most of my friends are. What do you want to know?

What is it (characteristics-wise) about guys that get them interested, other than money and looks? Granted cash and a cleft chin don't hurt, but since we're addressing the issue of what keeps it together for a long time, what things just help some couples work out the rough spots.

I'm FREE wrote:

I made the mistake of choosing my spouse in a large part based on how good the sex was before we married. Without the sex is she the kind of person you could stay with forever? Women use their sex to control us poor stupid men. There are some (not all) very evil women with poor values. They are the devil....beware.

BINGO. My wife literally begged for sex when we were dating... We were having sex like two crazed rabbits. I fell in love. Now, with 3 kids she's too exhausted all the time to think about sex and our relationship is weak. Be careful, guys. Women who seem to be interested in sex early in a relationship, may change and then you have to live with them without the physical intimacy.

I have run for 35 years. Their has been great pain and many setbacks, but I still love and appreciate it as much as I value Life Itself. I have as great a determination as anyone I know. I will never abandon ANYTHING that I truly love, and one of those things is running.

Having said that, I NEVER at any point made a vow to keep running "'til death do us part". I have just put into it what I have gotten back out of it. Day by day. For 35 amazing (for me) years. In the meantime many women have come and gone, and I remember all of them with affection still.

Why anyone would predicate a lifetime contract (legally binding, at that) anything so fickle as human human emotions- well I can understand it, just like 19-year olds volunteer to go off to wars and throw their lives away- but it to me seems one of the greatest follies that the majority of people get sucked into.

Looking back on my life, and with so many things I am now thankful for, one of the greatest things I have done was to live my life day-by-day, year-to-year, never abandoning my dreams and leaving the lifetime binding contracts to the fools. If my running threatens to permanently damage my body (which is still extremely healthy) I will quit it and look back on it with fondness as a great adventure that had to end. I never signed a lifetime binding contract for my running, yet here I am still. It is based on the love in my heart and the strength of my body and mind, not a contract.

If the woman I am now with continues to reward me for the work we put in our time together, maybe we will be together in 35 years. But I will never allow our time together degenerate into the "hostage situations" so well detailed in the posts on this thread. I will be honest about my feelings and actions and I will be respectful of her needs, but if we are together, it will be out of love, not out of duty of an oath that has outlived it's positive value. I will never sign on the "dotted line", and she knows this and respects it. She should know, as she made the Great Mistake 15 years ago and is still paying for it; she has learned the hard way of the lessons so many on this thread are struggling with.

I thought i was the onlyone having this problem. This is just rediculous. the worst part is that Sometimes i actually feal perverted for being so horny. So sad..

Wow. Just wow. I am so, so, sorry for some of you guys. To be honest, I can't imagine being in a long term relationship where there was little to no physical intimacy. The only thing I can suggest (what many others have as well) is that pyschological stress frequently impedes desire for women. A day at the spa is not going to cut it if she has a bunch of kids running around, dinner to cook and laundry to do (not to mention a job on top of that). Also, feeling attractive and desirable is pretty tough when you're chasing kids around and have been through a couple pregnancies. If she's willing (i.e. you have a good relationship outside of the lack of sex) try to make physical intimacy (not just sex!) a PRIORITY in your relationship. Take classes, read books, let her know that you want her completely as a person. This might seem obvious, but we women have to hear obvious things frequently.

One last thing. . . I have a very high sex drive and truly enjoy sex, but the people who have described male/female pyschological differences in terms of desire hit the nail on the head. The times that I have had the best/craziest/raunchiest sex has been when I am in love and feeling loved by my man.

Oh yeah . . if she's using sex to control you, she's a bitch and you deserve better. Divorce.

And if the man has stepped off the love train? what then?

need data wrote:

What is it (characteristics-wise) about guys that get them interested, other than money and looks? Granted cash and a cleft chin don't hurt, but since we're addressing the issue of what keeps it together for a long time, what things just help some couples work out the rough spots.

My husband is very thoughful about everything. I stay home with the kids, but as soon as he is home from work he helps out. He appreciates me, and he also makes me feel sexy no matter what (even when I was pregnant and right after childbirth when I know I didn't look so good). I know that he cares about me, and I know that he loves me. The fact that he is such an amazing husband/dad makes him even sexier to me.

I would say some characteristics in guys that make them attractive are caring (about those around them), and ambitious (have goals in life).

I know that I am lucky, and that I have a great husband who makes me feel important and loved. He also is very affectionate and we cuddle a lot. That always gets me in the mood.

To be fair, I do have to admit I have a higher sex drive than most women I know.

Also, women like to hear you say how beautiful they are. Don't be afraid to compliment her. We really do like to hear it.

Consider spending more time helping your wife with your 3 kids and less time hounding her for sex/complaining about being unsatisfied. Maybe then she'd be less tired and a little more frisky.

I did, it didn't help per se. At any rate I am lucky: I have no alimony, nor child support nor hard feelings to heal from.

That's the way it goes sometimes.

Maybe some people are just not cut out for the marriage scene.

Thanks for all your input.

ok, you are comparing making a vow to running to making a vow to another person... you sound like a very deep person;sorry to say even though i love running that is a one-way relationship... a little differentnow i live my life day-by-day, year-to-year never abandoning my dreams and what is more i made a committment to my wife to love her no matter what, and you know what- i am a much happier person because of that... my life is so much more fullfilled and happy because she is in iti didn't marry her because i felt obligated... i married her because i wanted to... i wasn't trappedand i feel sorry for any person that give so little of themselves and think so selfishly that they would feel trapped and refer to marriage as signing on the dotted line or for that matter compare someone they love to their running relationship

kiss kiss bang bang wrote:

Having said that, I NEVER at any point made a vow to keep running "'til death do us part". I have just put into it what I have gotten back out of it. Day by day. For 35 amazing (for me) years. In the meantime many women have come and gone, and I remember all of them with affection still.

anEconomist wrote:

and what is more i made a committment to my wife to love her no matter what...

Poeple say this all the time and it's complete BS. There is always a "what." For example, cheating, conversion to nazism, molesting children, etc. We all have a breaking point and lots us find it for much smaller resons than I just suggested. I have no problmem with commitment but unconditional love does not exist.

I can respect your pointing out that unconditional love does not exist. At the same time, wouldn't you agree that it seems that many people's "breaking points" are incredibly weak?

If I were to put a running analogy on it, I would say that committment in marriages today often look like someone who says they are a SUPER committed "runner", yet after stubbing his toe one week into training, he decides that running must not be for him afterall. The chance of him being a good runner was doomed before he ever took a step because of his exceptionally weak concept of commitment.

Maybe also doomed by an unrealistic concept of what running even is.

I don't think being her personal slave is the answer to getting regular sex. I understand that you love and adore her, but there has to be some give and take there. Does she do anything for you?