A husband and wife were sitting on the couch. The husband got up, walked to the kitchen, came back and handed his wife two aspirin and a glass of water. The wife asked, "what's this for?"
The husband answered, "for your headache."
She replied, "I don't have a headache."
He said, "Good, lets f*ck."
Look in your hand.
Figured there was some British humor in there somewhere. Went right over us Yanks.
Moi wrote:
Sorry, those are British jokes about British culture, I forgot this forum was American. An ASBO is anti social behaviour disorder. The other one is saying that the queen is as old as a heritage site. (These sound awful when I try to explain them, lol)
Lol, I didn't mean it like that :)
Moi wrote:
Sorry, those are British jokes about British culture, I forgot this forum was American. An ASBO is anti social behaviour disorder. The other one is saying that the queen is as old as a heritage site. (These sound awful when I try to explain them, lol)
[/quote]
[quote]American Dimwit wrote:
Figured there was some British humor in there somewhere. Went right over us Yanks.
It's not funny over here either
A termite walks into a bar and asks,\"Is the bartender here?\"
Guy goes to the doctor and tells him he's only been sleeping 2 hours a night.
Doc replies,"Have you been waking up grouchy?"
Guy replies, "No, I've been letting her sleep."
a prostitute tells a client to finger her, so he does...
she then tells him to put two fingers in her, so he does...
she then asks him if he wants to get real freaky by putting his whole hand in her, so he does...
she then asks him to put his entire arm in her, so he does...
she then asks him for two arms in her, and to his shock, he does...
she then asks him to clap, to which he replies "I can't"...
she looks at him and says "tight, huh?"
How do you get 100 old ladies to cuss at the same time.
Yell "Bingo!"
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians on average have the longest penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."
A woman has no arms and no legs. She's sitting on the beach by the ocean, crying.
A man walks by and asks, "Why are you crying?"
She answers, "Because I have no arms, no legs, and I've never been kissed."
The man leans over, gently kisses her on the cheek, and begins to walk away.
The woman begins crying again.
The man returns and asks, "Now why are you crying?"
She replies, "I have no arms, no legs, and I've never been screwed."
The man picks her up, throws her in the ocean, and says, "Now you're screwed!"
What's red and not there?
No tomatoes
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess
An old woman goes to visit the doctor and the Doctor asks her what the problem is.
"Well Doctor, it's my husband. As you can imagine, we are getting up there age wise and we don't make love nearly as often or as intimately as we used to. It seems like it's been years! I was wondering if you had anything to help?"
"I have just the ticket," the Doctor replies. He head over to his cabinet and grabs a bottle of elixer. "Here, add a couple drops of this to his coffee and believe me, he'll go WILD."
She takes his advice and heads on home. A week later, she comes back to the Doctor's office for a follow up.
"So, how did the elixer work?"
"Oh Doctor, it was awful!" She replied.
"What!? What happened!?"
"Well, I did exactly as you instructed and I put a couple of drops into his coffee. He took a sip, immediately got a look in his eye, jumped across the table and ravaged me on the floor! He just kept going and couldn't stop! I can't remember the last time he made that kind of passionate love to me."
"What's the problem then?" The Doctor asked.
"Well," she replied, "we aren't allowed at Starbucks anymore."
An old man is at the doctor's office for his annual physical, accompanied by his wife. The doctor says, "I need a urine sample and a stool sample."
The old man, hard of hearing, looks at his wife and says, "What did he say?"
His wife said, "Give him your underwear".
Three old men are sitting around at the nursing home, complaining about their various ailments.
The first says, "You know the worst part about being old? I miss the feeling of relief that comes with taking a good, healthy leak."
The second one says, "You know the worst part for me? I miss that feeling that comes with taking a good, healthy dump."
The third man says, "I guess I've got it pretty good. Every morning at 6:30 I take a good, healthy leak. Then at 7:30 I take a good, healthy dump. I just wish I could get out of bed before 8:30."
A Brain Surgeon calls a Plumber to come to his house to fix a leak. The Plumber comes over and in five minutes fixes the leak and leaves. One week later the Brain Surgeon gets a $350 Bill from the Plumber. Outraged...the Brain Surgeon calls the Plumber and says "$350!...you were only here for five minutes...I'm a Brain Surgeon and I don't even make that kind of money!"
The Plumber replies "Yeah, I didn't make that kind of money either when I was a Brain Surgeon."
Bob was a 70 year old very, very rich bachelor. One evening he attended his country clubs annual awards banquet. When Bob arrived, at hs side was a very young, very beautiful blonde woman. All of his golfing buddies just stared at Bob and the beautfull woman.
A short time after arriving the young blonde went to the powder room. When she was out of site, Bob's friends rushed up to him to find out who the woman was. One of them asked if she was a paid escourt No, replied Bob. Another asked her age. Bob replied she was 25 years old. Another asked if she was his niece? No, was Bob's reply. Then they asked "Who is she?" Bob replied that she was his new wife. Then one of his friends asked how an old codger like him could get a 25 year old beautiful blonde to marry him? Bob then said he lied to her about his age. Someone said "You told her you were 50?". Bob replied "No. I told her I was 90."
So a man walks into a doctor's office wearing nothing but a pair of pants made of saran wrap. The doctor says, "What seems to be the problem?" The man says, "I think I'm going crazy." The doctor says, "Yes, I can clearly see your/you're nuts."
This guy calls his doctor to find out his test results.
The doctor says, "I've got bad news and worse news."
"Give me the bad news first."
"You've got 24 hours to live."
"OH MY GOD! What could possibly be worse than that?"
"I tried calling you yesterday."